i'll love you 'til the day that i die @chromyrose - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
i'll love you 'til the day that i die
@chromyrose
30+. proship and adult content. chromyrose on ao3 currently hyperfixated on sasaki to miyano/hirano to kagiura and batfam. forever a fan of pokémon. legacy fandoms are haikyuu!! and my hero academia. this is a panfandom blog that features whatever I want.
In fact, I think he's been in love for longer than we know.
A character study and argument for ShiraBashi.
Sit back SSMYHRKG crew, this is a long one!
Exhibit 1
This is one of the first instances we see Niibashi break under the weight of watching Kagiura grapple with his sexuality.
On the surface, he's very straight forward in his outburst. It's okay to want to touch someone you love, to be near them. Kagiura shouldn't feel ashamed.
The subtext? Look at that curling of the shoulders in the last panel, the desperate bead of sweat as he explodes. Niibashi understands Kagi's guilt. Wanting to love, but not knowing if you can do it the way you're expected to.
Niibashi doesn't want Kagiura to experience that lack of trust in yourself. It's almost like Niibashi has been there for a while. I think this isn't a matter of Niibashi being afraid of his own queerness, because I believe he's quite comfortable in his sexuality, whatever it may be. He braids his hair, loves to be called cute, and openly wears a flowered hair scrunchie on his wrist that's homemade.
This is about Love, and Niibashi doesn't want Kagi to suffer. Is it because he's his best friend? Absolutely. But I believe it's because he's got his own secrets that he hasn't shared.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit 2
Niibashi gets nervous when talking about confessions. Why?
Maybe he wishes he could confess...
Kagiura lives in a different world than Niibashi, one where he's assumed to be straight. Girls confess constantly. Niibashi has probably heard about this on more than one occasion, maybe even witnessed it, because Kagi makes it sound like this is a common occurrence
Niibashi actively presents himself in a feminine light. He's stubborn and brash. There are a lot of elements to his personality and appearance that don't exactly make him "confession material". Regardless of whether someone has liked Niibashi before, it was probably from afar, because he reads as being fiercely independent.
So why hasn't Niibashi confessed to someone? He certainly seems to have the chutzpah with how boldly he speaks around Kagi...
Could it be that Niibashi likes a boy and is struggling with whether he likes them enough? The right way? If they're queer as well and would accept or get freaked out and push him away, the way Kagiura was rejected?
Does that sound like the kind of struggle Harusono-sensei's world is known for?
Look at the bottom right panel. Niibashi is rarely hesitant. The fact he is with Kagiura just then, that he doesn't ask a straight forward question and even gives Kagi an out, is a huge blinking sign that Niibashi is hiding something. He's not acting like himself. I think he one hundred percent wants to understand Kagi's experience, but that he's potentially worried about tit-for-tat. Luckily, Kagiura is so lost in the sauce that is Hirano, he doesn't even think to ask Niibashi about whether he likes anyone.
Kagi is so thoughtful, though, you say. Why wouldn't Niibashi just speak up?
Exhibit 3
Niibashi Juuya is worried about seeming like he needs to rely on people's praise. On their validation. And he's worried that Kagiura cares about him.
When he has the chance to talk, to hear from Kagiura that he is a good friend, he freezes.
Opening up isn't easy for Niibashi. He chokes on a simple thank you. Could you imagine how much he quakes at the thought of talking about his own complicated feelings for someone.
What's Kagiura going to do with that information? Well, if it's someone in their class, he might step up and try to play match maker. No, no, no, you say, we don't have anyone else from their class that had a solid characterization. Oh, okay, fine, how about somebody else Kagiura knows, who Niibashi might have met when he went to a game to cheer Kagi on, or met him after a practice and bumped into?
You mean... This guy?
Shirahama Kyouji.
A basketball teammate of Kagiura's. A fellow year-mate of theirs. A character who is also perpetually trying to figure out what Love is, and how relationships work.
Niibashi knows that Kagi would leap in with two feet to help him out, but it's that very overenthusiasm that could feel dire for someone who still doesn't understand Love. Or claims not to.
I'm pretty sure Niibashi understands it better than most as an outside observer.
After all...
He could recognize Kagiura and Hirano's love for what it was.
I'm back to talk more about how Niibashi's conversations with Kagiura about love and relationships, are a glimpse into his personal struggle with whomever he likes...
CoughCoughShirahamaCoughCough
Or, you know, whoever...
Heartbreaking yap below the cut:
Early on, Niibashi tells Kagiura he should just quit liking Hirano so much. That's the easiest solution.
Because that's what he has told himself to do. If you don't make anything of a crush, it can't steal your time. Niibashi has gotten a glimpse of love and clammed up, shutting the door and throwing a chair under the handle, to lock it out.
This one HURTS!
Can you hear the tradition being spouted into Niibashi's ear that he's repeating, like he's told himself this a million times, because that expectation has been passed down to him?
Don't like that boy. What good is it? What would a family even look like?
Niibashi WANTS a FAMILY! He wants LOVE!
He's trying to tell Kagiura to seriously think it over, because HE HAS AS WELL.
Conclusion?
LOCK IT UP!
Are you crying yet?
Once again, Niibashi is showing us that he thinks showing you care, having that crush be so open and free, is bothersome. He's telling Kagiura to stop expecting so much of Hirano, because neediness, wanting something, someone, is dangerous.
Don't mess up your life. Don't be a burden.
Lock.
It.
Up.
When Kagiura shakes the cage of his own commitment to love, Niibashi is shaken.
This isn't only about Kagiura's unabashed feelings. This is Niibashi thinking of his own views of love.
I believe he's thinking about who he likes.
Being someone's one and only is asking a lot.
It's too needy, isn't it?
Then we have this panel of a couple holding hands and Niibashi in profile, like he is watching it out of the corner of his eye. Like he is HEARING the two be together, unfettered by the worries of society.
I think it is INCREDIBLY important to note when there are flashes of heteronormative romance in the background of a BL. Who is seeing it? How does it reflect their thoughts?
This sort of addition is a comment on expectations.
Certainly Kagiura with Hirano.
But also... NIIBASHI!
He's listening to Kagiura talk so freely about loving somebody, while Niibashi, very clearly, cannot.
I've mentioned this panel already, but it's SO important to Kagiura and Niibashi's relationship, I HAVE TO bring it up again!
These feelings are NORMAL, he insists. Being gay is NORMAL.
But this is about FEELINGS. Niibashi has accepted he can't get rid of the feelings, and Kagiura shouldn't either.
But he can't pursue them.
He's watching his friend torture himself by falling in love and wanting MORE than the feelings.
Niibashi sees that as a possible disaster.
At this point, he doesn't think Hirano likes Kagi romantically. He sees this barrier.
He supports his friend's lifestyle, just as he does his own, but he's worried, because he's let the lock become undone.
Is this what would happen to him as well?
Then, Niibashi becomes flustered, watching Kagiura having to reject a girl. Like I mentioned, maybe he's heard Kagiura talk about having to do this before. He's popular, after all.
Seeing it, though? It reminds Niibashi about dishonesty.
What has he denied himself?
Then comes another panel I discussed above, but in the larger context of this conversation, it cuts deeper into Niibashi's struggle...
Because maybe he was thinking of trying.
Reaching out.
But if it doesn't work for Kagiura?
Don't be a nuisance.
Don't be a bother.
Quit before it becomes anything more than this wretched WANT, Niibashi Juuya.
Please note that making these big analysis posts is not my strong suit, and while all this makes sense in my head, I'm not the greatest at putting everything I wanna say into words. Sorry in advanced if this gets a little messy but pls stick with me here!! 🫡
I wanna thank the amazing @burrythebusy for yapping with me about how gay Kagi is and for letting me borrow some of their points to write about here 🫶 and also for gathering a bunch of panels for me to use 💕💕
Spoilers for chapter 37a
"But he had a girlfriend in middle school!"
No. That is not the end-all-be-all of sexuality. Plenty of people (myself included) have experiences big and small with other genders before realizing that they're gay. People don't get all "but but but!!" towards Miyano's past crush on Makimura, so why can't Kagi have that same grace? Just because a guy dated a girl in the past doesn't mean his gayness is invalidated
From the light novel: (for context: his class is talking about plans for the school festival and they've come to the exciting realizing that girls are gonna be visiting!!)
Not that he particularly wanted a girlfriend at that point anyway. He'd dated someone for a few months during middle school, but it had been nothing but nerves for both of them and had ended awkwardly.
In my honest opinion, I don't think Kagi and Yamada got very far together. I really think that the furthest they went together was that lap pillow. I doubt they ever kissed or anything like that. In the early chaps when Kagi was still trying to grasp what type of relationship he exactly wanted with Hirano, the thought of kissing never crossed his mind till Niibashi brought it up to him. His mind was locked in on that awkward lap pillow experience
Wow look at how dead his eyes look
I commonly use the emojis 😐😑😐 to represent how Kagi was when he had a girlfriend, and it's definitely fitting when you look at him during that time!
I know we haven't seen much of their relationship, and I'm sure they did have some good moments together, but all together, Kagi looks back at that relationship with this sadness that his past self just couldn't identify.
It's like he thinks - something's just off.
And like, he was just a middle schooler when that experience happened!! It's very common for middle schoolers to think they're grown up (they're not) now that they're no longer in elementary school
And what's something adults do? Date!
(Hell, when I first started middle school, one of my friends got her first boyfriend maybe like 3 weeks into the school year! It's not an out of the question thought process for someone in that age group!)
And to look at it beyond that, he lives in a heteronormative society where being lgbtq+ isn't exactly talked about (gay marriage still isn't legal in Japan after all, which is stupid and sucks very much) he's also popular with girls in a sport that's perceived as masculine. He's being pushed to be with this cute girl who's seemingly also popular and is involved with basketball too. It's not hard to believe that he would end up with a girl when that's the experience he's having in middle school. Even when he starts to piece together that something feels off inside, he sticks with it until he eventually gets dumped.
During that period of time, he was told that a lap pillow is a romantic thing that couples do together. He gave it a shot, and... he didn't feel anything special.
So he gave it another shot with Hirano
And what happened?
The difference is night and day:
Back with Yamada, he was so nervous that he couldn't relax at all even with her telling him to put more of his weight on her. Even his friends are laughing at him for not being able to do something seemingly so simple. It's not simple for him is the thing! There's not a single trace of any blush, or even just a smile on his face at all. His eyes look so empty and hollow, which is not a look we're used to seeing on his face
With Hirano however?
Life returns to his eyes, his faced is flushed bright red, he's so overwhelmed with so many new emotions flooding in that he jumps up from Hirano's lap while thinking he's doing something scandalous
This is the chapter, the moment, where he realizes for certain that he's gay
He's in love with Hirano
He's attracted to Hirano
He's in love with a man
He's attracted to a man
He panics after the realization and starts avoiding Hirano. He realized that he's in love with Hirano and attracted to him in a way that he never could be with Yamada. Guilt overwhelms him so much to the point where he can't sleep and has to pass out in the nurses office for half a day cause he's now carrying this unbearable weight of being in love with his probably-straight roommate
The gay experience can honestly be so heartbreaking at times
Luckily things do get better for him, and he even starts dating Hirano! But at the time, he didn't know any of that would happen! He was just a hormonal 16 year old high schooler experiencing his first gay love.
In my eyes, he's gay. Simple as that. I just really can't see him being bi or pan or anything else. He's a gay high schooler on the basketball team who's secretly dating his older roommate.
And I think that's beautiful!
I don't have a good transition for this, but even in the newest chapter, he just does not share the enthusiasm that his teammates have when they see that girls are visiting (and do note that this is before he sees that Yamada's here)
I have two pictures left so...
To answer Yamada's questions: No, they don't know and he hasn't told them
From how it sounds (Kagi answering his teammate with a question mark) he might not know exactly how to label her. He might not wanna tell the others that they used to date. While the chapter still isn't complete at the time of posting (so who knows, I could be proven wrong next month) chances are that the thought of telling never crossed his mind until Yamada questioned him
But what would even be the point of telling his team? (minus Muroi, chances are he knows since he went to the same middle school) He's dating Hirano now (secretly, albeit) so why would he wanna go around talking about a past relationship that was all nerves and didn't feel right to him?
Adding Burry's tags to the post cuz YESSSSSSS they're so important!!!
#PEAKKKK #THANKS FOR PUTTING THIS IN WRITING LETS GOO #i need to say that #my problem w seeing people insist on calling him bi is that narratively and contextually its important that hes not #bc it gives reason for why he acted the way he did up to chapter 16 when it came to confronting his feelings for hirano #his whole breakdown in 8 #explaining his guilt in 16 #like he reacted/acted/thought that way bc he just figured out his sexuality #and by that i mean #it didnt change or get added to #he FIGURED IT OUT #he did not know about his sexuality until hirano and we watch that happen #and ppls reason for him being bi is "he wont care about gender!" like u can choose #or "he had a gf" which. i mean he wasnt into her so i fear that doesnt work #i said this on twitter earlier but #he has been implied not to like girls #which is an important distinction from #he hasn't NOT been implied to like girls #feel me #anyway I'm usually not passionate about sexuality hcs or whatever for unconfirmed characters but #i fear this is just too important and blatant imo #and kagiura is my fav character in all of fiction so i get heated when ppl dont get him #i will eat my words if he ig implies he did like yamada but theres O reason for me to think that #i mean. his reaction to seeing her again was. mild surprise and nothing else. he doesn't every react to girls cheering for him. he dont gaf #THANKS AGAIN FLY WE NEEDED THIS #hirano to kagiura #kagiura akira
From what little we can see of his face here, he just has like this whole heavy "oh..." physique going on. I'm sure he's aware that he's popular (he's gay not blind) and I wouldn't be surprised if this detachment dates back further (aka before he was certain of his feelings for Hirano. Who knows maybe he started being this way late middle school too even when he didn't know what was going on with him)
Ok we're turning this into a thread of examples now 🤗 anyone feel free to add on!!
This is off topic from above, but Burry gave another example when we were yapping that I didn't know how to put in the og post (+ I hit the image limit) I'm just gonna post a screenshot cuz I'm not doing this (spending forever writing) again tonight haha oops
This is the same energy as when Kagi realized that Hirano's thighs are harder than a girls
atla just so happened to write one of the most insane and complex brother sister relationships in all of television, and yet for some reason everyone focused on zuko and azula instead, even though they are basically just normal siblings, and as such not even that interesting ..
katara and sokka are what happens when you are your brother’s mother and your brother also tries to be your father. you love them, you hate them, you’re half of them, you can’t stand them, you look after them, they keep you safe.
azula and zuko are both just gifted kid burnouts with a dad that only loves the winner.
#yeah when they're not trying to kill each other azula and Zuko are p normal. #katara and sokka on the other hand spent the majority of their childhood trying to raise each other #and were also the ONLY kids in their age group that they ever interacted with. #they are so. they're so. #''i don't remember what my mom looks like I just picture katara'' WHEN HE HAS HIS MOTHER'S FACE. kills me. (@professorsparklepants)
Hanahaki disease is a psychosomatic illness. It's a thing that your body does in response to stress over constantly repressing/concealing your feelings in settings with high background magic. It's like you've been ignoring pain for a long time and suddenly your vision starts going dark, because your affected body is just YANKING on random alerts trying to get you to PAY ATTENTION there is a PROBLEM. Yes the flowers do really exist. So do non-magical psychosomatic symptoms. The flowers aren't special.
This does of course open up the trope to options for non-romantic concealed feelings. Which I think is great. There is something viscerally satisfying about the person who seems so outwardly chipper coughing and hacking and spitting up Depression Flowers so now everyone has to know they're hurting. Isn't there?
I bet Hirano gets really into it, whenever Team Japan is playing. He and Kagiura are the ones hosting the watch parties. Miyano convinces Sasaki to "help him" (aka make for him) cookies or cupcakes with the team's colors
I like finding out what people my age and older had as their first cell phone. Anybody younger and their answer is a generic Android or iPhone. Phones from the 2000s were some wacky device like the sidekick or samsung x83 or lg env2
so many people ive known have pushed themselves to burnout trying to deny their disabled reality, skipping accommodations, skipping rests etc. and the world convinces them that the solution to their burnout is to push even harder. it’s a huge tragedy. i know social pressures make it tough but i want more disabled people to make things easier for themselves where possible, to opt out of things that harm them when possible, to quit while they’re ahead. be that person today! protect yourself where you can! take micro breaks while doing your hobby. get that shower chair. sit to brush your teeth. lie down in the middle of the day, even if only for 5 mins. these things add up and it’s so worth it.
Hey yeah so this post literally kept me alive for like 6 months. Thank you. And OP is so right. Everyone on this island became my best friends. And guess what? Now they can't wait to meet *you* and they talk about you every single day.
there’s not enough fic about the angst (and humor) of Jason borrowing or having to borrow Bruce’s clothes because they’re the closest in size out of anyone else in the Batfamily.
option 1: Jason gets injured as Red Hood, someone finds him while on patrol and brings him back to the Cave. he wakes up in Bruce’s clean clothes and is disgusted (angsty)
option 2: Jason borrows Bruce’s clothes and wears them right in front of him to try and provoke a reaction (hilarious)
option 3: Jason needs black tie attire and Alfred promises him something “absolutely fitting.” it’s one of Bruce’s suits, but no one mentions that to him until Bruce’s eyes bug out (angsty but could be played for humor depending on Jason’s mental state that week)
Bruce puts his suit jacket around adult Jason to warm him up. it fits perfectly. (100% hilarious AND sad)
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