if i look back, i am lost
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Mike Driver
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@chroniclesofabarmaid
Another day, another clueless writer talking about getting rid of tipping.
Special props to the expert quoted who thinks servers would be better off without so much cash so they can potentially get a mortgage later on in life. 😒
Medicated.
On a special diet to cure my Gerd and the diet is supposed to involve no alcohol but people are awful and healthcare is over so I’m just going to drink myself into an ulcer.
Cinco de Mayo
If you put on a fake mustache, I’m gonna think you’re a douchebag. Control c: sombreros and fake accents.
Security!
When HR won’t tell the dude who kept touching you at a work party that it’s inappropriate because it was a drinking event and, therefore, out of their control.
This is Familiar.
“I don’t think there’s any alcohol in here.”
YO BITCH I POURED THREE HANDLES OF TEQUILA IN THAT FUCKING MARGARITA PITCHER, IF YOU THINK THERE’S NO ALCOHOL IN THERE YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND A LONER AND I BANISH YOU.
Reflections.
I just went back and re-read my entire blog (for research, I swear) and realized that when I started this blog, I worked in a horrible place that turned me into a right bitch. It was totally deserved (those people sucked) but then I changed jobs and matured a bit (Hahahaha) which allowed me to stop being AS self-righteous (by a fraction). I think I've really loosened up since I started this blog four years ago. At the very least my posts changed from pure rage to entertained apathy.
Things I’ve learned….
1. I remember everything you’ve done.
2. I can, in fact, remember who you are and what you ordered.
3. I will just run your card regardless of the credit card minimum to lessen the amount of interaction I have to have with you.
4. If I work at a bar with food, the food will make me much happier. Give me french fries or give me death.
5. Making excessive eye contact with me will still freak me out.
6. Toxic masculinity will still both entertain/annoy me in equal measure. Like that one time someone got in a fist fight because they thought someone farted next to them. That actually happened!
7. People used to get very violent around me, they vomited a lot, they called me names. And somehow I still looked them in the eye and said, hit me again. And you know what that means? Student loans are a really big motivator.
8. You can definitely mix wine and tequila all you want. That’s the only way I know how to drink.
9. If you’re a good tipper, I will put up with literally anything. Unless I do you a solid and air your recently completed movie on our TVs during a busy shift and you yell at me for not babying you enough. Then you can leave.
10. I’m still a bitch, tho.
HAPPY 2017.
700 Followers
You guys.
This is so huge.
You like me, you love me, you think I’m a bitch.
Have you noticed I’ve been a bit silent lately?
I moved across the country and got a regular job and haven’t been bartending as much. And I don’t want to fake it with you, because you always know when someone’s faking, don’t you? You know you do.
It’s my goal to pick up more shifts so I can share with you the douchebaggery of bar-goings in LA, as a nice juxtoposition to the years of NYC abuse I shared here with you up until this point. We are not over, you hear me????
Also, you following me gives me more self-esteem than I had while I was in college (although that bar is sitting pretty low, so take from that what you will), and for that, I thank you. This is also my plea to you to never leave me. Never.
New World Order.
Him: Trump is gonna make this country great. People need to come together. I can TOTALLY come together after the white supremacists let some black people in their club.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
HI GO VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON
YOU HAD ONE JOB.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
HI GO VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON
Friends don’t let friends wait tables. Bonus sketch here. More comics here.
@mylifeasaserver
This cartoon is my Patronus.
Outside of Work.
You look like the type of douchebag I wouldn't want to serve.
Get Out.
Him: You can't kick me out. hhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
I bet you guys didn't know I was also a master cartoonist.
Schooled.
Him: I’m in grad school so I’m the poorest one here.
Me: I get it, I was in grad school once.
Him: I mean - well, you’ll hate me. It’s not that bad. I’m a capitalist.
Me: Oh?
Him: Yeah. MBA.
Me: Oh you’re in school for your MBA? Okay so you won’t be poor forever.
Him: Not at all, not at all. It isn’t easy, you know. I have a lot of bills. Don’t let these guys tell you I have more money than them.
Me: Okay. I went to school for social work, so I get being poor forever.
Him: What? What? Why would you pay $100,000 for something you can do for free?
(Well that sentence was a big string of nothing words.)
Me: I didn’t pay $100,000.
Him: Regardless of the price. Whatever. It could be free. You know what I tell people who want to grad school for social work? Don’t.
Me: ...I get it. I’m not working in social work now.
Him: Why would you do that?? Why would you be a social worker?
Me: I like.. helping people?
Him: No. No. No. No. No. Do that on your own time.
Oh, GUY. Is this my own time? Because it feels like your time.
Small Talk.
Him: Do you like wearing patent leather and hitting guys across the face?
Me: No. Should I?
Him: Come on - you don’t like telling guys what to do?
He looks at me with these expectant eyes like he's really playing some good game and it’s just so pitiful. I - what should I say - oh, okay - you want me to? - that’s what you need? - okay. - Fine.
Me: Only if they’re being bad....
600 Followers!
I reached 600 way quicker than I reached 500 which means I'm well on my way to world domination.
