conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 89 (masterpost here) *follow up to part 74
Tim: we could go through the west side? there's a really good ice cream place we can stop at if we go past it.
Damian: do they have salted caramel?
Tim: any respectable ice cream place has salted caramel, Dami. of course they do.
Damian: ok well i'm just checking, you don't have to be so-
Dick, panicked: guys, how close are you to the alley docks?
Tim, wary: uh- w- like a couple minutes if we rush? why, what’s wrong?
Dick: no we’re fine- it’s Jason, we were talking while he worked and then i heard a bunch of yelling and Jason screamed and then an explosion and he cut off and now he isn’t answering at all and i’m still like thirty minutes out and-
Damian: oh, Akhi’s fine, you shouldn’t worry about him. Timothy’s sense would alert him.
Dick, still audibly worried: um- ok but-
Damian: calm down, Nightwing. have some faith.
Tim: *starting to sound slightly worried* uh, well, we’ll go to the docks and check anyway, because actually i disconnected my fitbit a couple days ago…?
Dick: oh god, oh godohgodohgod-
Damian, flat: you disconnected your what now.
Tim, hesitant: we were gonna tell you-
Damian, seething: are you fucking kidding me-
Tim: WE DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ACTUALLY BELIEVE US-
Damian: THE WATCH!?!!? YOU SAID YOU HAD MAGIC.
Tim: -AND THEN WE FORGOT ABOUT IT, I’M SORRY,
Dick: GUYS I GENUINELY THINK HE’S HURT AND BRUCE IS OFF-PLANET YOU NEED TO HELP ME, ARGUE LATER.
Damian: fuck, he’s right. we’re going now. is Oracle still on vacation?
Dick: she’s in France with Spoiler and Orphan, *struggling to breathe, panicked* oh my god what if he- i shouldn’t have called him- i was distracting him so much what if i-
Tim: Wing, cool it, let us get there and assess the damage first.
Damian: i can see smoke coming from the docks.
Dick: fuck. i’m gonna keep trying to contact Hood, you guys get there now.
Tim: he’ll be fine, Day. this is Jason, he’s always fine.
Damian, shortly: yes, apart from when he’s not. do you know how mad Mother will be at me if i have to call and tell her he’s dead again?!
Tim: you won’t have to, he’s probably fine,
Damian: *bitter* yeah, sure, is that what the fucking watch tells you?
Tim: of for- YOU’RE THE ONE THAT BELIEVED US!
Damian: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIE?
Tim: IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY.
Damian: WELL IT’S NOT FUNNY NOW, IS IT?
TIM: I MEAN IT KINDA IS TO BE HONEST-
Jason: *wheeze* Red- *another wheeze* Red i need you to come meet this guy for me, this is really funny.
Tim: -JASON TELL DAMIAN TO STOP FUCKING YELLING AT- wait you’re alive?
Damian, worried: Akhi. status, now.
Jason, still amused: hm? what- why would i be dead?
Damian: are you injured?!
Jason, soothing: what? no, kiddo calm down, i’m fine. what the fuck’s up with y’all?
Tim: you’re FINE?! we’re like two minutes out from your location, Dick just came in here mid-fucking-panic-attack because he thought you’d died on call with him!
Jason: ooooh, he- ah shit, yeah ok i see how that happened. in my defence i did just shoot him a text to say i was fine. i got distracted.
Tim: he said he heard a bunch of screaming and explosions-?
Dick: alright my bad y’all i didn’t see his text he’s fine.
Jason: yeah hi, what the fuck? you scared Damian.
Tim: honestly he was more pissed that we lied about me having a magic Jason-danger sense.
Dick: sorry, sorry! brought back bad memories, deepest apologies.
Tim: i mean, shit clearly has gone down. where are you, there’s a bunch of rubble and fire over here.
Jason: yeah i’m by the water, i’m-
*distant groan, incomprehensible mumbles*
Jason: *wheeze* yeah man i’m getting him, calm down.
Dick: …who the fuck are you talking to?
Jason: ok... well what happened was, me and Wing were on a phone call while i tracked this gang war going down between these two factions in my territory that have been pissing each other off for the past few months. i wasn’t gonna intervene, i was more just there to check that things didn’t get too messy and get free entertainment, but while i was watching, this- *snickers* this really drunk guy- like fucking sloshed, absolutely off his face,
*distant drunken mumbles*
Jason: yeah- shut up, you absolutely are-, anyway. this dude comes wandering down the road singing to himself in the middle of this massive stand off, completely ignoring all these gang members telling him to fuck off out of there, and then he- *wheeze* he trips over this trip wire that one of the factions had set up, which triggered a bunch of landmines or something, and he just blew up the entire fucking area.
Jason: yeah! i dropped my phone in the chaos and only just found it; got distracted because all the survivors started shooting everything that moved—and technically this guy is a civilian so i had to go protect him, and *wheeze* i think we’re the only two that made it out???
Dick, dry: you have to be joking.
Jason: *wheezes again* no i’m completely serious!
Distant male voice, drunkenly: Red ROOBIIINNNNNNNNN~
Jason: yes i’m- *loud wheeze* *amused* I’M FUCKING GETTING HIM, HOLD ON.
Tim: wait, yeah- when you joined you specifically asked for me, why is that?
Distant male voice: *still drunk, chanting* RED ROBINNNNNN, RED ROBINNNNN, RED ROBINNN,
Jason: *loses his shit* *in between cackles* he- he- *wheeze* he really wants to meet you, man!
Damian: holy shit, Timothy he found your one single fan.
Tim: are you... *pensive* really?
Jason: *still wheezing* c'mon man, i promised him he could meet you, and he did technically end a gang war in my neighbourhood.
Dick, amused: Jason he blew up a bunch of people on accident.
Dick: ...Tim go let this guy meet his favourite vigilante.
Tim, disappointed: oh my god. where are you?
Jason: if you can see the fire then you're nearby, let me send you my coords,
Distant male voice: 's he- s' gonna fly over here? 'cause i won the fight?
Jason, still kinda laughing: y-yeah man, he's gonna fly over to see you. he's gonna give you a medal.
Distant male voice: FUCK YEAH!
Damian: oh, i have your location, we're literally just on the other side of the warehouse. i see you.
Jason: alright, buddy, what'd you say your name was?
*incomprehensible mumbling*
Jason: was that- Trent? yeah? alright, Trent, get ready to meet your hero!
*thud, boots against concrete*
Dick: you need to- i'm still like twenty minutes away, you guys gotta paint me a picture.
Jason: you're still coming? i'm fine.
Dick: yeah i don't care, i'm gonna have to hold hands with you for the rest of the night.
Jason: god- the Red Hood and Nightwing dating allegations, man,
Damian: for the record, Red Robin's number one fan is approximately thirty-five years of age, is wearing American flag face paint on his face, and is in possession of a backpack with a solid three cases of beer inside, half of which are just empty cans.
Jason: average Red Robin fan.
Tim: *noise of realisation* ooooh, he's come from one of the bars showing the soccer match today,
*slightly muffled drunken cheering*
Damian, flatly: yeah he's definitely a fan.
Jason: *still snickering*
Tim: *sigh* *politely* uh, ok- hey, Trent right? Red Hood told me you wanted to meet me?
*incomprehensible drunken mumbling*
Trent, slurring: SIGN MY CHEST.
Dick, gleeful: holy fuck,
Jason: *starts wheezing again*
Damian, clearly trying to hold back laughter: Hood- Hood get off the floor.
Jason: *continues crying-laughing*
Trent, devasted: c'mon- c'mon you're GREAT! i have a- there's a pen somewhere, let me- sign me!
Damian: *finally wheezes*
Tim: yeah, i'm not- i don't really-
Dick: Tim stop being ungrateful to your fans and sign the nice man's nipples.
Jason: *laughs even louder*
Tim: ok- HE NEVER SAID NIPPLES,
Jason, breathless: but we all know that's what he wants, don't you Trent?
Jason: you want Red Robin to sign your nipples?
Damian: Red, you might have to sign the man's nipples.
Tim: all of you can fuck right off.
Trent: i want- which one of you is Damian?
Dick, suddenly serious: wait what the fuck?
Damian: ...where did you hear that name?
Trent, cheerfully drunk: Hood! he said it into his- his lil ear thingy- and then you two showed up! which of you is it??
Dick, exasperated: oh my god, Jason,
Jason: ok well- *snort* shit, my bad? Red just sign the dude's chest in exchange for silence, it's fine. he's blacked out anyway, he's not gonna fuckin' remember.
Damian: THAT'S NOT THE POINT- fuck, this is why Batman's always on your ass about saying names in the mask, you never pay attention to your surroundings!
Trent: nononononoooo- don't- hey, i'm not no snitch! we're good, we're- we're all friends, right? get in here-!
Tim: oh i don't usually like hugs-*grunt*
Jason: *starts snickering again*
Trent: just sign my- look, Hood gave me a sharpie! you can sign my chest! FOR THE GLORY OF GOTHAMMMMMMM!
Jason, gleeful: yeah, and in return for Red Robin signing your nipples, you'll never mention the name Damian again, right?
Trent: *eager affirmative noises*
Damian: i swear to god, if you don't sign this fucking man's chest, i'm giving him your phone number.
Tim, begrudgingly: FINE. *pen uncapping* lift your- move your shirt.
Dick: cannot believe i'm missing this. Jay-
Jason: i got your back, baby boy, i'm filming it.
Tim: *long-suffering sigh* ok, there. we good now?
Trent: *loud, drunken whoop, gradually getting further and further away*
Damian: ope- aaand off he goes. into the night.
Tim: that guy has problems.
Damian: because you're his favourite? i agree.
Jason: hey he's gettin' real close to the water. do you think-
Tim: at least that will wash off the signature?
Jason: nah i gave him a permanent marker, that guy's gonna have that thing for weeks.
Tim, exasperated: why would you do that?
Jason: hey, he wanted the signature, i was just-
Damian, casually: i don't think Trent can swim.
Damian, matter-of-fact: all you, Timothy. go get your number one fan.
Tim: you gotta be fucking kidding me,
Jason, slightly smug: he will also probably need mouth to mouth.
Tim: i wish the landmines actually had killed you.
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