chulettce

[ramen8008]

Tim: [on laptop] you guys, you won't believe what I found

Steph: [pokes her head around the corner] oooh what is it?

Tim: you know how Nightwing was named handsomest/sexist vigilante of the year

Dick: I live to impress

Jason: blegh

Tim: right... Anyways there's another poll. For handsomest/sexist vigilante, silver fox edition

Duke: please tell me it's what I think it is

Tim: yes. Batman won. By a HIGH margin

Steph: [snort] How. He most is face is covered behind that cowl

Tim: [Scrolls down] I don't know but there are comments under the results oh...oh. yeah I don't think you want to know

Duke: okay you can't just do that and not say anything

Dick: yeah show us. What did you see?

Tim: really guys you don't want to see-

Jason: [takes laptop and places it on his lap] Got it

Everyone: [looking over Jason's shoulder]

Tim: really guys nobody needs to read that. Oh god the comments. Horrible, I need to bleach my eyes

Jason: Eh can't be that bad- oh

Dick: [covers Damian's eyes] How is that public? There are children online!

Cass: Dad can not find out about this

Damian: unhand me Grayson, I am not a child

Jason: I think I want to die again

Steph: [leans over to read] "I get that he's supposed to be all mysterious and scary but I know if I could just peg him I'll have him-"

Tim: Steph stop it. Oh god. My ears

Jason: that's not even the worst one. That's actually pretty tame compared to... [Covers screen] nope absolutely no

Steph: oooh what does it say?

Jason: not anything safe for anyone below 21 that's what it says

Duke: you can't be serious

Dick: Is it really that bad?

Jason: [lifts up laptop to let Dick read]

Dick: ...

Dick: [deadpanned] I should have been on that trapeze with my parents

Jason: [snorts] yeah and I should have stayed dead. Wouldn't have to read this shit

Dick: [holding back laughter of shock] I don't- it's just so explicit- I don't even think that's possible. Like limps and flexibility considered i- what the fuck man

Cass: now I'm more curious

Jason: nope. Trust me. I'm saving you all from trauma

Tim: i think it's a little too late for that

Jason: it's still a nope

Steph: Found it! [Waves her phone at the others]

Duke: Read it for the class

Steph: [clear throats]

Bruce: what is going on here?

Everyone: Nothing!

Bruce: what's that in your hand-

Steph: *throws phone across the room*

Bruce: ...

Bruce: [sighs] you know what? I don't even wanna know. Just get to dinner everyone. Alfred's waiting

[awkwardidoit]

Bruce: Dami you will grow look at Jason he was the smallest boy ever and now he’s taller than me. Just wait for your growth spurt.

Jason: …

Tim:…

Damian:…

Dick:…

Stephanie:…

Cas: Bruce we are mostly adopted so I don’t think Jason’s growth spurt will happen to Damian

Bruce: Then why do you all look like me. Dick has my eyes, Jason has my face, Tim is a carbon copy just tiny, Duke has my height , Stephanie has my hair type, Cas has my nose, and Damian has my mothers eyes which are also Jason’s eyes and Dami also has my mouth

Dick: oh you’ve lost it

[papayafromtv]

alternatively, could we have an au where Jason has to be the one that delivers Damian to the manor in Gotham, and he gets so distracted with trying to make Damian's first trip outside the league enjoyable (road trip, theme parks, bunch of stop-offs along the way) that he completely forgets to set up his own place to stay in for after Damian's gone to the manor. and the two end up in front of the Wayne Manor driveway in the middle of the night arguing about it like

Damian: it's just a night or two, and it's not like Father doesn't have spare bedrooms available. Jason: that's not the issue, the issue is that i don't want them to fucking know i'm here. Damian: ok so i'll distract them and you can sneak in the back entrance. Jason, flatly: you want me to sneak into my old house to spend the night, when everybody thinks i'm dead and i want it to stay that way? Damian: i'm just saying that his long lost blood son showing up is a good distraction, and it IS a big manor. i'll bet you anything that i could keep you hidden in there for as long as you needed. Jason: you fucking could not. Damian: i could. Jason: could not. Damian: i could and i'll bet fifty dollars on it. Jason: Jason: Jason: alright.

Damian ends up keeping Jason hidden in Bruce's own house like a kid trying to hide a puppy they found on the street in the back of their closet. he's sneaking Jason food and building him a little hidey-hole in the attic above his bedroom and literally nobody else in the manor has a single fucking clue. Jason already knows all the hidey-holes and secret passages from when he lived there anyway, so it turns out not to be as hard as he thought.

to be clear, he still becomes the Red Hood. he's not spending every second in the manor; he's sneaking in and out on a daily basis while he sets up a rulership in Crime Alley. it gets to the point where he fully has his own apartment that he could move into at any point, but he and Damian are being so stubborn about this bet that he's just staying at the manor anyway to prove that eventually they'll figure it out. plus it's starting to get really fucking funny because he's started playing ominous ghost sounds in the ceiling above Tim's room and the poor guy fully thinks he's being haunted by his predecessor's ghost. a fact which is almost correct.

the only thing that's frustrating the hell out of Jason is the fact that after every single interaction with the bats, no matter how exhausted he is from working all night, he has to watch Bruce drive the others right back home while he waits and then has to walk back by himself. eventually there's an arkham breakout and it's so bad that the bats are readily accepting Hood's help with dealing with it and it takes so fucking long to sort everything out that when it's finally over and they're ready to 'go their separate ways', Jason is so genuinely dead on his feet/in pain and need of sleep that he stops caring about everything. Bruce tells the bats to get in the batmobile and Jason just trudges over and slides in next to Tim.

everybody freezes and. straight does not know how to respond. Jason's just half-asleep already leaning his head against the window, and Bruce eventually has to clear his throat and ask like "...would you like a ride home, Hood?" and Jason just grunts.

"where do you live?"

"Wayne Manor," Jason mumbles, barely conscious. the bats all bluescreen apart from Damian who is so resigned to his big brother's idiocy at this point that he just tells them to take him back to the cave with them.

"just- just bring him. look at him. what trouble is he going to cause? he's tired, Father. let him rest."

Bruce is... so confused. and so concerned. but if Hood's injured then what harm is there in letting him get checked over and sleep the worst off in the batcave medical suite? he did help out a lot that night, after all. except when they get to the cave Bruce and Dick start preparing to carry the asleep Red Hood onto a medical bed when Damian just kicks him in the ribs and says 'we're home', and they watch in baffled fucking silence as Hood wakes up, blearily blinks while he takes in his surroundings, and then gets up to start trudging straight up and into the manor.

the others can do nothing but watch in quiet disbelief as Hood proceeds to go through the manor like he truly knows it, gets to Damian's bedroom, and then sleepily climbs up through a secret passage in the ceiling that, when Bruce pokes his head into, reveals a fully renovated bedroom filled with the Red Hood's gear and personal possessions. Hood flops down onto the bed and passes out immediately. Damian just bids Hood a good night and calmly closes the opening behind him, before turning to face the incredulous faces of his entire family staring at him like he's a fucking alien. he narrows his eyes.

"we will talk about it. tomorrow."

"Damian-"

"we are all tired." Damian determines. "for now, let him sleep."

"IN OUR HOUSE-"

"WE WILL DISCUSS THIS TOMORROW."

the next morning Jason wakes up at like. noon. and remembers the night before. and he crawls down into Damian's room to nudge him awake and firmly tell him 'i am not giving you fifty dollars'.

the ensuing argument wakes up the rest of the family.

[whale-with-legs]

Whats this weird and wholesome (? ship i see 👀👀

[astroidstealer]

"How to Summon dottore" a guide by pantalone

[ginkodraws]

someone help me escape primehood hell because im i'm too deep

[cosmicpoutine]

[dp-is-sogood]

AUGN meme

[nata-mata]

[asunderstrike]

(Vomits random Danny Phantom art before scampering off back into the hiatus abyss)

[hannrum]

Give this man a baby

[jejejijiju]

Jay and Roy

[papayafromtv]

au where Jason is the one to deliver Damian to Bruce but he and Damian get into an argument on the drive over about how good at stealth missions Damian is and it ends in Jason double-dog daring him to skip the whole 'introduction' aspect of going to live with Bruce and instead to just sneak into the manor and see how long he can go unnoticed for.

Damian's claim is that the manor is so big and Damian's so good at remaining hidden that he could live in the manor without anybody else there clocking him easy. Jason just wants to see how long he can actually go because in his mind the longer Bruce goes without realising he has Damian in the house, the funnier the reveal will be. he's actually kinda rooting for Damian purely because it's funnier if he pulls it off for a really long time first. then Jason can snitch on him and the fall-out will be glorious.

he lasts about four months.

two weeks in and Alfred becomes suspicious, but chooses to believe that it's raccoons or pigeons in the attic because then he doesn't have to get involved. and he really doesn't want to get involved.

a month in and Damian almost gets caught by Tim while trying to steal some food in the middle of the night and getting cornered in the kitchen, but Tim hadn't slept in three days and was high on cold medicine at the time so he assumed that Damian was actually a hallucination of Bruce as a child, and all he did was stare Damian directly in the eye and solemnly tell him 'never ask your parents to go see a movie with you.' before going to pass out in the study.

two months in and Damian has gotten into a rhythm with it. feeling unchallenged, he starts waiting for Bruce to fall asleep in front of the batcomputer during hard cases so he can sneak out from the walls and fix whatever Bruce is getting wrong and solving the case before he wakes up.

three months in and Dick runs into him while sneaking in through a side door so he can grab some stuff from his bedroom without having to talk to Bruce, but Damian bullshits that he's one of Tim's school friends visiting to complete a school project, and Dick gives him twenty dollars to promise that he won't tell anybody Dick is in the building.

four months in and he gets cocky; starts ordering packages to the manor addressed to himself. Alfred asks Bruce at the dinner table why they've received an amazon package for 'Damian Wayne' and nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. the next night the Red Hood snitches and asks how 'Damian's doing' and Bruce becomes convinced that Hood has the manor bugged. demands a full sweep of the building. Tim comes across Damian napping in a hammock in the attic wearing Tim's presumed-lost clothes next to a pile of supremely confidential files stolen from the batcave.

Damian wakes up and promptly tells them all that they aren't allowed to be mad because the statute of limitations for breaking and entering has passed already. Jason laughs so hard he cries.

[drpantalone]

🎨 lanzi198 on x

Your OTP could never ~

[shmooseee]

he was definitely not old enough to buy alcohol here either

[abcdfghjklmpqrobin]

Au where nobody tells 10 year old Damian who Jason is. And the way they talk about him, Damian just assumes Jason is like a raccoon or something.

Damian: Grayson, why does Pennyworth leave food on the counter every night?

Dick, on his phone, not even paying attention: Oh, that's for Jason.

Damian: For 'Jason'?

Dick: Yeah. Sometimes he sneaks into the kitchen at night, so Alfred started leaving food out for him.

Damian, confused: I've never seen anyone here.

Dick: Well he doesn't always come. And last time, Bruce caught him crawling through the window and scared him away so, who knows when he'll show up again.

Damian, definitely thinking of a raccoon: So then Pennyworth is feeding a random stray that crawled out of God knows where?

Dick, annoyed: He's not a 'random stray', Damian, he's family, and he has been living in this house for way longer than you have.

Damian, trying to remember how long do raccoons live for:

Damian: I hope he doesn't die soon.

Dick: ????!!

*Later that night in the Bat-cave*

Tim, typing away in the computer:

Damian: Drake. Have you ever met Jason?

Tim: Uh. Stupid, annoying and looks like a skunk? Yes, why?

Damian, picturing a mix between a racoon and a skunk:

Damian: Is he friendly?

Tim: Well, the first time I met him, he attacked me, so...

Damian: Hmm... What did you do to provoke him?

Tim: What did I do to– Bitch–

Tim: Nothing! He just didn't like me taking 'what was his', or something.

Damian, nodding: You invaded his territory.

*The next day*

Damian: Father, when do you think Jason will visit again? I want to meet him.

Bruce: Um. I don't know, Damian. He doesn't come here often.

Damian: Why?

Bruce: Because he lives somewhere else.

Damian: Why doesn't he just live here with us instead? He would be safer.

Bruce, wincing: I don't think he would like that, Damian. He's not confortable here.

Damian: But, maybe if I befriend him I could convince him to stay.

Bruce, sighing: I don't think so, Damian. You have to respect his space.

Damian: Oh...

Damian: I hope he doesn't get rabies

Bruce: ???!!

[alkallier]

Captain Nightingale

[Prompt] by @novelistwriter

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