So, I’ve never done on of these new year posts, but I have a few things to say about this year, and maybe I’ll mention something that someone needs to hear.
As far as competitions go, this year was pretty crappy for me. I dropped in placement at every single major that I’ve ever been to. I had teachers telling me I’d win things that I barely broke the top ten at. Some I didn’t even get that far. It sounds like I’m complaining about silly things; stupid Oireachtas champion problems, right? But it was hard. Especially when you think you did your best, but the judges don’t agree.
At first, it really frustrated me, you know? I felt (and I know I’m not the only one) like I was disappointing my teachers, parents, friends. Bipolar marks made me feel like nothing was under my control in dance, anymore, and I went crazy half the year trying to figure out what in the world I was doing that the judges hated SO much. I had to start seeing a sport psychologist to keep my head on the right way, and for a little while I forgot that I love Irish dance.
Sometimes when you get so into something - whatever it is that you do - you begin to expect things of yourself that you didn’t at the start. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s what makes you better. But when you start to expect things of yourself without forgiveness when you fall short, you’re setting yourself up for so much disappointment. This year, I - stupid perfectionist that I am - had myself so. freaking. stressed. because I thought perfection was the end goal. I fought myself for a solid 10 months before I realized what I was doing.
Thing is - and I’m a control freak, so I hate this - sometimes there are things you just can’t control. You can’t control what the judges like, can’t control the stage, can’t control the venue or who you dance with or if you get the flu two days before you dance. And you have to learn to be proud of yourself, not for the number you get, but for the improvement that you see in yourself. It took too long for me to understand that, but it really does change your perspective. If you compare yourself to anybody but you, you’ll never see how far you’ve really come.
There’s always another competition.
You can always go to another feis, do another major. You can always try again, and marks don’t stop you from trying as many times as you want to. Only you do that. So, for this year, I am proud of all my crap placements because I know that I worked hard and that I WILL do better!
(Jesus, I’m sorry this is so fricking long, Happy New Year, yall!)
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