Clair De La Lune

I'm just a girl, who wants to be loved.

[flanaganfilm]

Hello, I just saw your post about TVL/QOTD and saw that you’ve crossed paths with the cast at SDCC so my question is would you be open to working on one of the episodes for QOTD?

P.S Much love on your comment about the show. I think it’s absolutely brilliant and Rolin and Hannah are indeed a pair of geniuses.

I would absolutely love to direct an episode of QOTD, but I'm in an exclusive overall deal with Amazon for television so it's not possible. I'll be cheering for them from the sidelines at every turn, though.

[claireedeelalunee]

Thanks for answering much appreciated. 🙏🏻

[flanaganfilm]

Hello, I just saw your post about TVL/QOTD and saw that you’ve crossed paths with the cast at SDCC so my question is would you be open to working on one of the episodes for QOTD?

P.S Much love on your comment about the show. I think it’s absolutely brilliant and Rolin and Hannah are indeed a pair of geniuses.

I would absolutely love to direct an episode of QOTD, but I'm in an exclusive overall deal with Amazon for television so it's not possible. I'll be cheering for them from the sidelines at every turn, though.

[littorella]

Lestat was a willing participant in the Trial

This interview with Rolin Jones has been some pretty peak controversy. He states that:

"So, did he go against his will? No, I think all of this is about [Lestat] was a willing participant and in the middle of the trial beginning to have these out-of-body experiences of, ‘What am I in the middle of?'”

My initial reaction, wasn't super surprised. I don't find this to be that contradictory to the character the show has presented. This is not book Lestat, who AR wrote quite saintly in TVL. This show version of Lestat eats whoever he wants and killed his human family. He feels bad about it, but he still did it *hint*.

This line in the article was also particularly interesting.

He says that it’s possible this could be addressed again...but he also says the answer is already clear in Season 2.

I thought about it a while, and I feel there is no big reveal coming. The answer IS THERE in the episodes and aligns with Rolin's explanation (to the great disappointment of many, I'm sure). I also think this means they likely may not revisit the trial again. It always felt indulgent to expect them to revisit prior seasons knowing there was so much to get through in TVL and QOTD.

In the spirit of his comment, I wanted to analyze it via show text only (all 3 seasons). No para text from interviews. No influence from the book version of events. There are things to be said about deliberate ambiguity and the choice to hint but not verify, but I am not here to do that. This is not an opinion on the value of this choice. Just here to discuss the show text as its own thing.

Observations

Let's start with the facts. These are things we see directly or characters say. The show has a history of reveals, but until we see them, we will assume what we see so far is true.

Lestat doesn’t like the topic of the trial and is particularly sensitive about the idea of him killing Claudia. He shuts down when Gabriella says he “took her back” from Louis. During Armand’s amends letter, he bitterly corrects that it was a real trial with real verdicts. He snipes at Louis for implying he killed her.

Lestat is not a “vampire slayer”. He’s coldblooded about mortals, but has not been shown to premeditatedly kill a fellow vampire nor do we see him show interest in it. Even in the hallway fight where you could say it's justified to kill, he doesn't. It is Daniel who beheads the fang gang.

Lestat can be cruel but is primarily petty vengeful. Case 1, Tom Anderson insults him and Louis for years and gets eaten quick and painless. Case 2, Sam Barclay writes the trial play and only gets verbally berated as his producer. Case 3, Daniel publishes IWTV, antagonizes him for months and gets only a private telepathic trick. There’s a pattern here that while Lestat is mean-spirited with slapback impulse, his vengeance isn’t ultraviolent. He’s only petty and vindictive. Note that his act of immense violence against Louis is an in the moment loss of control, not a premeditated revenge.

Lestat participated in the trial preparation. The trial script has a lot of details only he could have told them. Its cover sheet says “with additions by Lestat de Lioncourt”. We see him rehearsing his lines from both Armand and his POV.

Lestat knows Louis loves him despite the trial. When Lestat has the vision of Paul in 3x7, it’s only hours after the seance where Louis implied Lestat is responsible for Claudia's death. Louis stays with Lestat and says all he does on the bench even with this belief.

Lestat never corrects the record on the trial. He lets us “patrons” listening to failures, Louis, Daniel, ghost Claudia, everyone who reads the book, continue to think he crossed an ocean to rehearse the play to kill his daughter.

Why not share what really happened?

We want to believe he wasn't there because he chose it, because that is easier to square with his remorse and love for Claudia. That's a simpler logical alignment that you and I as reasonable people prefer. The show has consistently been about complexity, so let's set that aside for a minute.

If the in universe assumptions (that he did it willingly) are not true, surely he'd say something. The topic clearly eats at him given how many flashes of the trial we see in his s3 fever dream sequences. Why not set the record straight? Why let everyone think he did it?

Possible Reasons

Option A: There's nothing to correct. He did do it. He got on a boat and rehearsed the play on his own volition.

Option B: He feels too guilty to engage with the topic. Whether deserved or not, he feels responsible and refuses to discuss it, even to correct inaccuracies.

Option C: His memories are tampered with and he doesn't remember what really happened.

Option D: He doesn’t care about what anyone thinks.

Let's go in reverse order. We can cross off Option D immediately. He cares a lot what everyone thinks. His tour and tantrum about the book is because he cares. He’s “doing a rewrite” on even stupid details like the length of his hair. Surely he would insist on correcting slanderous details about the trial. We'll come back to this one a bit at the end.

Option C doesn’t hold up when you think about it. He was not a fledgling at the time (he had the blood of Akasha in him ;) and wouldn't be that easy to control. But maybe Armand is that good and he mind controlled or convinced Lestat to want to do the trial. But this doesn't line up with what we've seen of Armand's victims. Lestat was pretty himself and spry on stage, not stiff like we've seen victims act. The only time we see him out of it is after he's expended the energy to save Louis. What's more, Lestat would have been known and remembered. We see Armand do this with Regina and she is fully aware of it happening. When he sees Armand in present day, he does not bring any of this up. Armand could have mind wiped that, you say. We’ve seen Armand’s ability to remove memory, but not build false ones. He gave Daniel a story about 1973 but Daniel is still consciously aware his memory cuts out. Lestat remembers the trial happening and does not say he's missing any parts. He is pretty crisp in his memory and doesn't indicate otherwise. And let's be real, this is getting into wishful convoluted thinking and feels like we’re bending backwards to try to pin it on Armand.

Option B feels plausible. Lestat doesn’t like to dwell on pain. It's a shame he carries silently. Correcting any part would mean examining the event and his contribution in detail, which, given our observation 1 on how he hates the topic, he likely isn’t keen to do.

And Option A, the controversy, I’d argue is also plausible. Consider the range of complicity. The worst case, he knew the coven would kill Louis and Claudia and wanted it. Observation 2 and 3 of his lack of interest in murder and violent retribution suggests this is probably not true. He had 10 years to go after them and he didn't. Best case, he thought it would just be a humiliating play and didn’t know they meant to execute his fledglings. Maybe, but it wouldn’t make sense to exert the Herculean effort to save Louis if he didn’t think the danger was real. At least when he was on stage, he knew the coven were going to kill them.

The in between case seems most likely. He could have gone to Paris thinking it was only a play, and upon discovering it was more, it was too late in the game. I can see Armand saying they were planning an execution and Lestat not taking it seriously until the trial begins--we have to remember, he thinks Armand was his “friend” up to this point. Surely he's just an overdramatic theater director and not actually being literal. But the moment he sees Louis and Claudia in their battered condition, it’s suddenly real and he internalizes this really is about to happen.

Should he have known better? Yeah, of course, but Lestat is often foolish and willfully ignorant of reality. This is the same Lestat who says he didn’t think Louis would really follow through and attempt to kill him (trial script). This is the guy who didn’t internalize until the bibles and cornstarch on his doorstep that not aging for 30 years in NOLA was a problem. He repeatedly does this. What further supports this reading is his present day anger at Armand and his specific ire with Armand's amends letter callously using the term stage play.

A and B are not at odds with each other. They actually make sense together. Even if Lestat didn’t fully intend everything about the trial, his guilt over any complicit part he had overshadows the need to share his perspective. At the long table, his mind’s most uncharitable self-assessment, muse Louis says Lestat killed her. In his head, his participation in any amount, equates responsibility. And with observation 5 that Louis is willing to reconnect despite believing him responsible, what’s the point of picking at this enormous wound? Correct some details to make him look marginally better? He thinks he deserves the hate on this. Claudia is dead, and he had a part. It’s too painful and there’s nothing to gain.

So there you have it, why I think the signs all point to him as a fully willing participant. He went because he was mad at them, and failed didn't think much further than that. It aligns with Lestat's central character failure of acting on impulse and not thinking things through. A lot of the terrible havoc he has wrought is from his "what's the worst that could happen" attitude. He constantly "opens the batch oven and doesn't know how to close it." The trial may be yet another example. It would definitely align with the larger story of Lestat.

Maybe the writers will come up with a 5th reason and surprise us. But I doubt it, there's no narrative value in that. What would it do other than reassure fans Lestat is "not as shitty as you think"? Louis already forgives him, and we know that's the only person here who really matters.

[theresthespark]

What drives me mad about Armand as a character is that the boy lives on the surface. No matter how refined, authoritative, or omniscient he can be, the boy in him always rises to the surface because that is who is calling all the shots. Everything else is just a hat he wears when he needs to. I wonder what he’d be like if he could rest

[irisbleufic]

The DM chapter in QotD is a pretty fantastic glimpse at what Armand is like when he’s not constantly on the defensive. He plays with blenders, in-sink garbage disposals, microwaves, telescopes, and other gadgets. He binge-watches every piece of media he can get his hands on. He subjects Daniel to his absolute favorites from among those over and over and over. He gets his hands on a camcorder and makes weird home videos; he also drags Daniel around cities with it so that they can interview randos about utterly mundane shit. He drags Daniel to the cinema and to theater productions. He’s curious, nosy, obnoxious, vibrant, and alive. He smiles. Most importantly, he laughs.

[flanaganfilm]

I remember you had said you liked the iwtv show, have you seen the vampire Lestat season yet? What did you think of it?

P.s: i literally cant wait to see your adaptation of Carrie, super excited!

I think it's exceptional. Rolin Jones is a goddamned genius. Sam Reid - OMG, Sam Reid... the cast is superb. Jacob Anderson, Assad Zaman, and that astonishing work from Delainey Hayles... it's absolutely brilliant. One of the best things on TV by a mile. Cannot wait for Queen of the Damned.

[irisbleufic]

Hello! Do you think there is still hope for us to get a beautiful romantic Loustat scene in ep7 even tho it's written by Hannah?

The “even though it’s written by Hannah” part of this admittedly baffles me. She’s a fantastic writer. Because this episode is by her, we have a ton of hope for beautiful, romantic everything. If you have a low opinion of Hannah’s work, then you’re looking to the wrong person for validation on that, I’m afraid. I’ve never been of the opinion that the writing she’s done on this show has been subpar for any characters.

[irisbleufic]

I mean, I do know Hannah has written some of the more heartbreaking moments in this show, but they’ve all hit the way they’ve needed to/served the narrative the way they’ve needed to. She’s an excellent writer to have write a finale if you need your more heartrending moments to land. We know that the concert is going to be a moment of crisis in the overall story, right? Hannah’s who you need on deck for that.

[bratboymolloy]

"eric bogosian can't act" oh yeah? ARGUE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL

[irisbleufic]

I don’t know what agitators on this platform (or other platforms) are causing this influx of “Are you happy with this season?” messages to appear again in the past 48 hours-ish, but respectfully? I need that to stop. You all know that I’m happy with the season. Asking this question hundreds more times isn’t going to change my answer. If you want other people who feel as down on/as critical of the season as you do to validate those feelings, then please go to those blogs.

If you’re having trouble understanding my contentment and optimism, I’m only going to delineate this once. I went into this season understanding the following list of things, which is why I’m so overjoyed about what we have gotten so far in Episodes 1 - 6 and what is still yet to come in Episode 7 (even though I don’t know the full parameters there):

This season was always going to represent a major tonal and structural shift. The creative team didn’t hide that. They did their best to get that across to you. Repeatedly.

This season was always going to be at least 95% focused on Lestat, the band, and the musical performances. I mean, maybe it’s more like 80% - 90%, but you get the idea.

Even early on, it sounded like the team was only getting 7 or 8 episodes to work with. It turned out to be 7. By default, that means a great deal of non-Lestat-focused storylines have some developments offscreen.

Given those conditions, we were never going to get an entire episode of Devil’s Minion, or even both Daniel and Armand even in every episode together. The fact that the team has accomplished what they have with Armand and Daniel in such limited screen-time is admirable!

You’re not obliged to like this season’s constraints and its narrative style, but these are the realities of a limited number of episodes in which most of the content is focused on the titular character. Reviews from critics and the audience are still overwhelmingly positive—higher than those on S1 and S2, last I checked. I only became active in this fandom, even as a lifelong lover of the books, within two weeks of S2 completing its run—and I’ve now been made aware that there were a lot of complaints on Tumblr even when that season was in the midst of airing. What this experiment in trying to keep people on an even keel has taught me is that there’s not a lot anyone can do for a certain subset of this website—largely due to people not wanting to form and own their own opinions. All too many folks on this site want to be able to blame reviewers when they end up not liking what they see. I don’t have to tell you why that’s an unreasonable outlook to have.

I’ve been deleting asks about 3x06 on-sight. I’m not sorry for making you be patient and wait for the episode without any kind of commentary. I’ve been deleting asks about 3x07 because we do not have that yet. I reopened asks because people wanted to chatter to me about Sam Barclay and Real Rashid (and even about DM and about fic); thank you, those of you who have been doing that! It’s fun! At this point, I refuse to spend time on anything that’s more stress than it’s worth. You already have an entire tag’s worth of reassurance and misinformation-busting on this blog. Nothing is going to change on that front. Please watch the remaining two episodes, form your own opinions—and, most importantly, own those opinions.

[claireedeelalunee]

Amen AMEN

Louder please

[cbrownjc]

Some thoughts on Daniel, Armand, Alice, and Memories, Minds, and Hearts

So first off, for those who may not know, I've pretty much always thought Alice was a real person.

However, the idea that Daniel "cheated" on Alice with Armand? No, I've never thought it was that simple.

Mainly because I think Daniel was deep into his relationship with Armand before he even met, and got involved with Alice. And that Daniel and Armand never "broke up," as it were, before Daniel got involved with her.

Nor do I think Armand was all that jealous of Daniel's relationship with Alice. Not really. Because of the pregnancy announcement story that Louis read from Daniel's mind in EP 2x02, I don't think Daniel was in love with Alice at all, and that Armand knew that.

Because Daniel, given the comment that he and Alice were "talking past each other" before Alice told him she was pregnant, and then Daniel's reaction to that pregnancy news, showed that the man was clearly emotionally checked out of his relationship with her.

That was just not a standard reaction one would have to such an announcement made by someone you supposedly made a marriage proposal to sometime that same year (1985), and, over 40 years later, it still hurts you when confronted with the memory of them rejecting that proposal.

So no, IMO, Daniel wasn't in love with Alice, and I think what was revealed about Daniel's reaction to Alice's pregnancy announcement backs that.

That comment Louis made about Daniel feeling "freer" to hold Alice's hand in Paris? I know I'm not the only one who thinks that had nothing to do with holding Alice's hand in Paris, but Armand's hand. A man's hand.

And look, if you take a gander at Daniel's LinkedIn page that AMC set up for him, his journalism career really started to take off around 1982. Three years before the proposal incident and Alice's pregnancy announcement.

What I'm getting at here is that Daniel Molloy wouldn't be the first person in the world who wasn't comfortable with their love and sexual relationship with someone of the same sex to get involved with someone of the opposite sex to cover up for it. Even if it wasn't only because of their professional career.

So yeah, I think the reasons Daniel even got involved with Alice weren't really about wanting to be with her. I think his being with her was a reaction to a whole host of other things that had nothing to do with her.

Including the fact that, like in the book, Armand very likely kept refusing to turn Daniel.

Because I think things like the discomfort (and possibly fear) of simply holding Armand's hand outside of Paris would have gone away for Daniel if he weren't human anymore. (Or, I suspect Daniel believed it would, and I don't think he was wrong in that belief.)

Now, would Alice have seen it as cheating? Yes, probably.

But Daniel? I think, if the show really does go with Armand hooking Daniel up to have sex with other men and women, like with what happened in the book (and right now I have zero reason to believe that the show would cut that out, given the other stuff that the TVL trailers reveal, they aren't going to be tame about), then no, I don't think Daniel would see it that way. Nor Armand either, of course.

That is the human/vampire line in all of this. I've said before that one of the main character arcs Daniel goes through in The Devil's Minion chapter is the loss of his humanity. At its heart, The Devil's Minion story is a reversal of the "vampire regains humanity by falling in love with a human" love story.

Instead, it is the story of a human (Daniel) slowly losing their humanity after falling in love with one of the most vampiric of vampires that walks the earth (Armand).

And vampires in this (TV show) universe just have a different way of viewing sexual relationships. This recent ask that @nalyra-dreaming got goes into this. Louis, having flings with other men, didn't bother Armand until Daniel.

Because Louis didn't have sex with Daniel, but made an emotional connection with him. That is what bothered Armand and made him jealous.

And, at least at the moment, I don't have enough evidence that Daniel had an emotional connection to Alice like that. That story regarding the announcement of her pregnancy, in fact, gives me the opposite feeling about it.

* * * * *

And that is one reason why I fully believe that the memories of Alice that Daniel gets very emotional about -- namely, the proposal memory, which BTW, Louis goes into after mentioning the hand-holding one -- was actually about Armand. (And that no, he wasn't proposing marriage, so much as he was asking Armand to turn him in some more formal way.)

See, when it came to the blocking and erasing of Daniel's memories, one issue is that the emotions tied to those memories would still be there. And I think those memories that had strong emotions tied to them weren't blocked, but rewritten; but then also locked deep away.

Kind of maybe partitioned off, as it were.

Because while you could change what Daniel's mind thought happened, the emotions associated with the memory could maybe have been impossible to just erase or rewrite.

Remember Armand's comment in EP 2x01 about the boy they met in San Francisco? Armand said, "He's still in there." I think it may be this partition that Armand was noting.

Because yes, I am still very much of the opinion that Daniel's memory erasing and rewriting wasn't done by Armand but by Marius. And one of the reasons I think so is because of a line of dialogue Armand has in the park dialogue from EP 3x05 that was spoiled.

But another reason I think this is because I don't think Armand had the skill to erase, block, and rewrite Daniel's mind and separate out his emotions from those memories that would have covered over a decade (from 1973 to 1985) of time.

Think about it. Armand seemed to have had to keep constantly rewriting Louis' memories. Like when we saw Louis asleep (REST) at the start of EP 2x03. Or when the fight Louis and Armand had at the end of 2x04 seemed to have no tension about it at the top of 2x05.

But I don't think Armand having to do this only just started after Daniel arrived. I think Armand had to do this with Louis for a long time, ever since Sausalito, when he first erased the memory of Louis' suicide attempt. Because that suicide attempt wasn't just some isolated incident. It was tied to the emotions Louis had regarding Claudia. Emotions and memories that tied into other emotions and memories that spanned decades.

Yes, Armand has the skill to rewrite people's memories, but I think he can only do it fully successfully with regard to short periods of time, like a few days or so. As we saw in EP 2x05 and Armand's rewrite of Daniel's mind of what happened during the time of the first interview.

The erase and rewrite of that memory appeared to stick, and only seemed to start fraying once Daniel actively started trying to remember what happened after remembering having seen "Rashid" at the bar.

But with Louis, Armand was trying to rewrite memories that were tied into each other over years and decades, with emotions to match. Trying to separate it all, particually the emotions, was probably not something that could easily be done, even with his skills.

* * * * *

And this idea that emotions can be separated from the mind isn't new -- at least when it comes to the Immortal Universe.

Because it is something that was done in Mayfair Witches, Season 2. Episode 2x05 to be exact.

In that episode, Rowan Mayfair's intellect, i.e., her mind, got split from her emotions, i.e., her "heart." Both sides of her were existing separately from each other for a time, showing that such a thing is possible in this universe.

Also, I know I'm not the only one who has noticed all the heart imagery seemingly going on with S3, The Vampire Lestat.

And, if what I suspect regarding Claudia and her story, wrt Armand, that might be revealed in S3 is revealed, then that would tie into imagery of the brain, i.e., the mind as well.

Also, if you know the book, The Queen of the Damned, then you know why both a brain and a heart are important in that story as well.

And given what we learn after the event in QotD about it, in both Prince Lestat and Prince Lestat and the Realms of Atlantis, it very much won't be just a physical (biological) brain and (biological) heart that will be important in all of this, either.

Again, Mayfair Witches, of all things, seems to be the show that has gone into the metaphysical aspects of all of this first. But brains and hearts will be quite important when it comes to the Vampire Chronicles as well.

And likely with the mind being metaphysically equal to the brain, and emotions being metaphysically equal to the heart.

[sb-essebi]

my reading tablet list is ready so i'll share (it's nothing you wouldn't likely find on r/FreeMedia... in fact a small portion of it. But it's very nice).

Run-of-the-mill public domain stuff (usually)

https://openlibrary.org/

https://www.gutenberg.org/

https://archive.org/details/texts

https://worldhistorycommons.org/world-digital-library

https://www.ibiblio.org/explore/

https://library.yale.edu/

https://www.loc.gov/books/

https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/lists.html

Straight up yohoho. it might be published yesterday and be on one of these already:

https://annas-archive.pm/ if not work: https://annas-archive.li/ (LibGen (Library Genesis), Sci-Hub, Z-Library in one place)

https://zoboko.com/ (surprisingly many Ispanoamerican books)

https://ibookpile.in/

https://liber3.eth.limo/

https://library.land/

https://www.bookfrom.net/

https://novel12.com/

https://readonlinefreebook.com/

https://ebookbb.in/

Classical books but (mostly?) untranslated. If you over over latin word it'll translate for you though:

https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/collections

Normal classic books:

https://www.classicbookshelf.com/

https://www.pagebypagebooks.com/title.html

Academia/university books/non-fiction only:

https://chestofbooks.com/

https://eric.ed.gov/

ALL the kids books EVER

http://www.childrenslibrary.org/library/books.html

Comic books:

https://readcomiconline.li/

https://getcomics.org/

Manga:

https://mangafire.to/

https://kagane.org/

banned books in the US bc fuck your government:

https://freebannedbooks.org/

A tool to strip D R M from books bought off companies named after rainforests:

https://www.epubor.com/best-drm-removal-tool-for-ebooks.html

A tool to mass-change ebook format to what you like:

https://calibre-ebook.com/

[tumblr]

19 years of tumblr! 💝🎉🎂 thank you to everyone who's made our community so special 🫶

[qvotable]

You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there.

Iyanla Vanzant

[claireedeelalunee]

Circling each other knowing if you get too close you’ll cause an explosion. Chemistry so strong air gets too heavy to breathe making you dizzy. Tension so thick you can cut it with a knife. Eyeing each other from a safe distance, testing the waters, building the foundation.

Princess and her bad boy, world at his feet, he only cares about her, praying at her altar, worshipping the ground she’s walking on, guarding her sleep, living under the shadow of her light.

Her being his lifeline, the air in his lungs, the blood that his heart pumps through his veins. She is the reason he feels alive still. Without her he ceases to exist.

For her he is her safe haven, in his arms is where she feels at home. He keeps her sanity in check, without him she’d break, tear herself apart, her mind would shut her heart down. He is responsible for her heart, he must treat it with care and in return she will give him the world, in ways he never could have imagined.

[claireedeelalunee]

why is it that i get the urge to write about you in the middle of the night, desperately trying to put into words just how much i miss u when ur not even mine to miss, never have been? why is it that every time i walk by our familiar places my heart starts racing 100mph even by the thought of running into you? why is it that it makes me want to run and hide but at the same time run right into your arms and hold you just as tight as you have gripped my heart for all these years and refuse to let go? idk how to rid myself of all these feelings except for turning them into words and letting them run wild, have a life of their own certainly much more exciting than the one I’m living.

I told you all about them and I knew you never felt the same but now I know you know my heart I’m free of your clutches, I’ve never felt more brave, more liberated, exhilarated than that, high on the way the words I wrote to you made me feel.

[claireedeelalunee]

Sometimes I wish I learned how to communicate my problems better maybe I would have found a way out sooner, a less painful one at that, clean exit.

I wish I were a better person, stronger, kinder more resilient, knowing how to deal with troubles head on, more focused, observant and empathetic, so I could understand others around me better. I lack so much as a person that it makes me feel suffocated all the time. Always on edge, stressed and even a little depressed. My dear melancholy never really leaves me but I’ve learned to live with her, hand in hand, side by side.

Sometimes I wish I could escape from my own life, go disappear in the great unknown, to places I never could’ve imagined existed. Live in Tibet with Dalai Lamas for a year. Learn about asceticism, patience, life stripped off any and all privilege. Learn about their wisdom, find inner peace, connect with myself on a deeper level, keep the balance between my body and the earth beneath my feet, rest my soul, reset my mind, find new perspective, new purpose of my existence, experience rebirth, become a new fulfilled version of myself. I wish to be more in touch with my feelings, to keep track of all my inner, most darkest thoughts, things I could never say outloud, and write, write a lot, write about anything and everything, everywhere, all at once.

[claireedeelalunee]

it’s been nearly five years and I still can’t get the courage to tell you anything…being around you makes my heart beat so fast that I physically can’t stay being around you and when you’re not around I can’t stop thinking about those brief moments I’ve spent talking to you…I’m so tired of all the ‘could’ve beens’ but I also can’t make any steps to change anything, I hate my pride sometimes but if I lose even that then what do I have left? I can’t afford to do that. I know it’s not your fault that I’m in this position, you didn’t put me there, at least not on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are the reason behind all of this. You can never know and you will never know that I’ve loved you for almost five years now. I just wish I knew how you felt about me all these years, if you ever suspected me or I’m just as good at hiding my feelings as I think I am. But I think it will be easier for me to just forget you and have you be completely gone from my life because I really can’t take this madness anymore.

[claireedeelalunee]

in the middle of most nights lately, i’ve been getting this urge to write about u, desperately trying to put into words just how much i miss u, even tho i realize u are not mine to miss, never have been…why is it that every time i walk by the places familiar to us, my heart starts racing 100mph when i start thinking about the possibility of running into you? why is it that it makes me want to run and hide, far away from u, but at the same time wrap my arms around your neck, to hold you just as tight as your hold on my heart has been all these years, refusing to let go? to let u know exactly how i feel without uttering a single word…