I was watching Joey Graceffa's video on a friend of his who commited suicide. Meanwhile, not even 10 hours ago, I had the biggest breakdown I've had in about two years in my shower. I had relapsed after 8 months of not cutting, I felt alone, like no one cares. I then proceeded to post on my snapchat (lol_lol2 go add up if you wish) "ss or sb if you would care if I kill myself". People I didn't even talk to snapped back. I thought seeing people care would make me feel better, but it didn't. Seeing people I don't talk to now telling me "I'd care" or "I know we lost touch but I'd care, don't do it" just fucked with me. If you'd care so much, why not ask me in my day to day how I'm doing. It's so easy to tell when someone is lying aout how they feel when they reach a breaking point, but no ones done that. I fell asleep feeling worthless. Why am I even here. Four years, why won't it just stop. The pain, the tears, the blood, the cuts, the self-hatred, why can't it just go away? In Joey's vieo he sais " I feel like suicide is selfish". Yea it fucking is. It's probably the most selfish thing you could do. And? I feel worthless. I feel like my life doesn't matter. I have no one I can turn to. Why would I reach out if my brain is constantly telling me I'm not good enough. Why would I reach out if I know that I'll be talked about for a day.. but then everyone'll forget. People forget that if you are suicidal, you won't reach out. You will wait till the day you just don't give a rats ass anymore. You'll be glad that you ended it. People don't realize that's what is going on in ou fucking heads. I'm useless and worthless, why not just end it, right? So many times I've seen people say "they were so young" "how could no one notice" "I wish they reached out, I could've helped". Open your eyes. I'm already a walking corpse. I have no will to live, might as well just end it right? But we don't. That's why we're suicidal and not dead. There's always one thing keeping us here. Mom, dad, sister, brother, dog, cat, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, bestfriend, art, music, there is something. But once that's gone, someone has to open their eyes and notice, because we can't reach out. Not killing yourself is easier said than done for us. just a psa from a suicidal friend.
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