Fuck you guys

This account is purely for me to be mad at anything and everything, don't take it too seriously

[classifiedenigma2]

(talk of like death and stuff) (vent)

so my aunt died this afternoon but I've literally never met her (last time my parents saw her was 6 months before I was born) and I'm not really sure how to react because no one else is really reacting

like I feel sick and kinda mournful but then again, she's a complete stranger. My mum's main worry wasn't "my sister just died", it was "my OTHER sister and my dad might be sad"

I think I also feel a bit guilty because I had a really good day today, I went to a safari park and saw loads of cool animals, including being basically as close to an Elephant and lion as you can safely be, I bought a little plushie of a gorilla who hangs around my neck and bought my mum a rhino keyring because she adores rhinos.

I just need to get these feelings out somewhere because it's making me feel ill and no one really understands why I should care, I also feel guilty about caring "more" than people who "should" care more than me (eg my mum, my uncle, and my nan (it wasn't her daughter who died, but she was her step mum for nearly 20 years))

[classifiedenigma2]

Getting parental advice is so funny because Imm having problems with (possibly soon former) friends and my mum and dad have told me two very different things.

Mum: just say what they want to hear. be a peacekeeper. keeping it civil is more important that telling them something that might make them upset.

Dad: "ghost them" (his actual words)

[classifiedenigma2]

THEY ALL BLOCKED ME??? LMAO????

[classifiedenigma2]

Getting parental advice is so funny because Imm having problems with (possibly soon former) friends and my mum and dad have told me two very different things.

Mum: just say what they want to hear. be a peacekeeper. keeping it civil is more important that telling them something that might make them upset.

Dad: "ghost them" (his actual words)

[classifiedenigma2]

I don't think I like my friends

[classifiedenigma2]

Thinking I can't rant about anything without my friends seeing then I remember I made this account for just that

one of then keeps guilt tripping me and it might be on accident but she KEEPS DOING IT and making me feel shit like dude wtf

[i-am-megalodonna]

What pheromones does Ren produce that make large men want to swear fealty to him.

[classifiedenigma2]

where did you people come from this blog is supposed to be a secret (hence the name)

[classifiedenigma2]

Stop censoring shit if the algorithm doesn't care. it literally just desensitises you to it.

no that girl didn't "unalive herself", she didn't even commit "su1c1d3". She killed herself and committed suicide.

No that boy didn't "s3lf h4rm", he self harmed. he purposefully hurt hinself. He wasn't "graped" or "s3xually a$$ult3d". He was raped and sexually assaulted and ABUSED. This shit is serious.

also shit like "corn" and apparently "mascara" people just don't know what you're talking about g about and might think you're talking about ACTUAL corn or mascara

Censoring stuff, especially saying "unalived" makes it less serious in your mind. You are disconnecting it from the original word because it's "too serious" when it's SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS

If you really need to censor something bc of the algorithm then do the numbers thing because at least you can still read it

also do still add proper content warnng because YES people are triggered by a lot of this stuff and YES that is also serious. but they aren't going to have your specific weird supposed "anti-censorship!" tag filtered/blocked. they are going to have the proper tag blocked. So say Suicide. Say Abused. Because that's what happened and it's serious.

[classifiedenigma2]

also another rant because that's literally the entire point of this page

FUCK ANYONE WHO CALLES IMPULSIVE THOUGHTS "INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS"

An Impulsive thought is your 2am craving for ice cream or something else you probably shouldn't eat at 2am or your random idea to give yourself a fringe (bangs) on your own

an INTRUSIVE thought is when my family and I were driving along a clifftop road last month and my brain said "haha wouldn't it be so funny if you grabbed the wheel right now ans drove the car off the cliff, killing your whole family in the process"

or "damn you should like jump onto those train tracks right at the train starts to pull into the station haha that would really traumatise everyone here wouldn't that be so funny"

so yeah if you want a name for your "XD so quirky! so random!" ideas it's IMPULSIVE, not intrusive.

(the rule if thumb is if It's violent or would hurt someone or makes your freaked out about thinking it then it's intrusive. If it's just taboo but not really harmful (outside of reputation) then it's impulsive)

[classifiedenigma2]

Tired of literally everything so I'm putting my thoughts to paper and I know I should do this somewhere private like the notes app but I've been doing just that for 2 years now and it doesn't make anything better. I suppose a part of me wants people to know even while the other part of me says it'll just create drama and people will be hurt worse.

I'm sick of people. Sick of people who actually care and make you feel guilty for not being able to give anything, on purpose or not. Sick of people pretending to care. Sick of people who do care hurting me again and again. Sick of people who have proved to be dogshit being nice to me.

For example my school 'friends'. Two have proved over and over again not to care about me. They ignore me, leave me behind, tell me wrong locations for meeting up. However there's also genuine lovely people in the same group who seem to care about me and who I care about but I feel like I take and take and take from. I don't even know if they genuinely like me or if they're just trying to be polite to someone they fucking pity.

And that's what it all comes down to. Pity. I don't have shit to offer, no skills, no money, I'm not fun or funny, I'm not even that caring really. I'm cynical and pessimistic down to the bone, just like my nan who I spend all day alone with and it is actually killing me, I can't even go out because my bikes gears and brakes are broken and nothing in this stupid world is walkable anymore. Everytime I really think about what I offer as a friend or even acquaintance I get the same answer: fuck all.

Then we come to my out of school friends. I truly love hanging out with them but we're all so fucking fragile. One of us says something wrong and it'll send someone else spiralling, which then sets up a chain reaction and a non-stop barrage of "Sorry sorry sorry" "no I'm sorry I'm so shit" "no you're perfect, I'm the idiot here" No you aren't! I'm the literal devil and don't deserve love" "no you aren't!!! I'm so sorry, I'm actually-" and so on for a fucking hour which then makes everyone feel shit and no one can start a new conversation so we're left looking at our own shitshow forever.

I left the group because of a fucking hundred reasons including: I'm a shit person who manipulated everyone, I never make anyone feel good, I always ruin everything, I don't even talk to them anymore, I missed a few messages about a meetup so I'm the worst person to exist and they probably think I hate them now. And at first I got about five messages asking if I was okay which I ended up ignoring because of aforementioned feeling of shit only to wake up today to being fucking guilt tripped about how nothing will ever get better if I don't tell this person what's wrong and further guilt tripping me about how I'm ignoring them.

just so sick of it because either they aren't as caring as I originally thought and have thought for the past ALMOST FIVE FUCKING YEARS or I'm misreading everything and self sabotaging to Saturn and back. Then I just think worse even about myself and how I either have terrible taste in people or I'm an idiot who can't even take support as a good thing.

I just want it all to stop. Reset everything. Have no friends or enemies. Know nothing about anyone and no one know anything about me. Maybe I should move to the other end of the country just to get away. Even that wouldn't work with shit like whatsapp and tumblr and instagram and every other stupid site and app that forces people upon you.

Then there's my parents who are too busy worrying about my older sister because she has a job and boyfriend now and has therapy and antidepressants. You'd think you wouldn't have to worry about someone with that level of support but I'm just left dragging behind. Then whenever I've told my mum anything she's either a) called me a liar because "those are serious things you're talking about", b) overreacted and scared me c) called be over dramatic and told me to suck it up because she has it worse or d) tells me to stop attention seeking because "I've been through all this before and you're just trying to gwt attention!". and my dad hasn't got the time for me, half the time he's in fucking Pembroke in Wales for work or somewhere else 5 hours away or he's away sailing or camping for a week with my sister, then when he is home he's

And the worst thing is these are such stupid first world problems. No one else's lives are at stake, the worst that might happen is I kill myself and even that would probably be a net positive outcome.

And yes I'm aware no one's gonna read all of this because I'm not even finished yet and it's already longer than I would put up with of pure whining and self-victimisation. Most of this is probably wrong but it's how I experienced it so that's something I guess.

If someone spoke about themself how I'm talking about myself here I 'd probably punch them.

It just gets to the point where I'm sick to death of myself and all my fake 'problems' that even my own family thinks is stupid and attention seeking

maybe I do want attention but I get so overwhelmed and scared when anyone brings up anything about any if the shit I've mentioned here or is my private notes and get all stupid and quiet and ny face drops and I feel like I'm going to be sick and my head gets dizzy and heavy. idk it's probably just guilt from being a fucking crybaby who can't even handle being told I'm wrong

anyways I'm actually dead if anyone finds this post because I've been absolutely shit about them all here and just complained and complained and com-fucking-plained. Yeah quick psa if you want to keep friends don't post tumblr essays about how you think they hate you and have been guilt tripping you because that's a sure fire way to be alone forever

[classifiedenigma2]

also yes of course I feel guilty about writing this did you even read the post

[classifiedenigma2]

Tired of literally everything so I'm putting my thoughts to paper and I know I should do this somewhere private like the notes app but I've been doing just that for 2 years now and it doesn't make anything better. I suppose a part of me wants people to know even while the other part of me says it'll just create drama and people will be hurt worse.

I'm sick of people. Sick of people who actually care and make you feel guilty for not being able to give anything, on purpose or not. Sick of people pretending to care. Sick of people who do care hurting me again and again. Sick of people who have proved to be dogshit being nice to me.

For example my school 'friends'. Two have proved over and over again not to care about me. They ignore me, leave me behind, tell me wrong locations for meeting up. However there's also genuine lovely people in the same group who seem to care about me and who I care about but I feel like I take and take and take from. I don't even know if they genuinely like me or if they're just trying to be polite to someone they fucking pity.

And that's what it all comes down to. Pity. I don't have shit to offer, no skills, no money, I'm not fun or funny, I'm not even that caring really. I'm cynical and pessimistic down to the bone, just like my nan who I spend all day alone with and it is actually killing me, I can't even go out because my bikes gears and brakes are broken and nothing in this stupid world is walkable anymore. Everytime I really think about what I offer as a friend or even acquaintance I get the same answer: fuck all.

Then we come to my out of school friends. I truly love hanging out with them but we're all so fucking fragile. One of us says something wrong and it'll send someone else spiralling, which then sets up a chain reaction and a non-stop barrage of "Sorry sorry sorry" "no I'm sorry I'm so shit" "no you're perfect, I'm the idiot here" No you aren't! I'm the literal devil and don't deserve love" "no you aren't!!! I'm so sorry, I'm actually-" and so on for a fucking hour which then makes everyone feel shit and no one can start a new conversation so we're left looking at our own shitshow forever.

I left the group because of a fucking hundred reasons including: I'm a shit person who manipulated everyone, I never make anyone feel good, I always ruin everything, I don't even talk to them anymore, I missed a few messages about a meetup so I'm the worst person to exist and they probably think I hate them now. And at first I got about five messages asking if I was okay which I ended up ignoring because of aforementioned feeling of shit only to wake up today to being fucking guilt tripped about how nothing will ever get better if I don't tell this person what's wrong and further guilt tripping me about how I'm ignoring them.

just so sick of it because either they aren't as caring as I originally thought and have thought for the past ALMOST FIVE FUCKING YEARS or I'm misreading everything and self sabotaging to Saturn and back. Then I just think worse even about myself and how I either have terrible taste in people or I'm an idiot who can't even take support as a good thing.

I just want it all to stop. Reset everything. Have no friends or enemies. Know nothing about anyone and no one know anything about me. Maybe I should move to the other end of the country just to get away. Even that wouldn't work with shit like whatsapp and tumblr and instagram and every other stupid site and app that forces people upon you.

Then there's my parents who are too busy worrying about my older sister because she has a job and boyfriend now and has therapy and antidepressants. You'd think you wouldn't have to worry about someone with that level of support but I'm just left dragging behind. Then whenever I've told my mum anything she's either a) called me a liar because "those are serious things you're talking about", b) overreacted and scared me c) called be over dramatic and told me to suck it up because she has it worse or d) tells me to stop attention seeking because "I've been through all this before and you're just trying to gwt attention!". and my dad hasn't got the time for me, half the time he's in fucking Pembroke in Wales for work or somewhere else 5 hours away or he's away sailing or camping for a week with my sister, then when he is home he's

And the worst thing is these are such stupid first world problems. No one else's lives are at stake, the worst that might happen is I kill myself and even that would probably be a net positive outcome.

And yes I'm aware no one's gonna read all of this because I'm not even finished yet and it's already longer than I would put up with of pure whining and self-victimisation. Most of this is probably wrong but it's how I experienced it so that's something I guess.

If someone spoke about themself how I'm talking about myself here I 'd probably punch them.

It just gets to the point where I'm sick to death of myself and all my fake 'problems' that even my own family thinks is stupid and attention seeking

maybe I do want attention but I get so overwhelmed and scared when anyone brings up anything about any if the shit I've mentioned here or is my private notes and get all stupid and quiet and ny face drops and I feel like I'm going to be sick and my head gets dizzy and heavy. idk it's probably just guilt from being a fucking crybaby who can't even handle being told I'm wrong

anyways I'm actually dead if anyone finds this post because I've been absolutely shit about them all here and just complained and complained and com-fucking-plained. Yeah quick psa if you want to keep friends don't post tumblr essays about how you think they hate you and have been guilt tripping you because that's a sure fire way to be alone forever

[classifiedenigma2]

Why are some people on the internet genuinely so entitled. like oh, not everybody who likes your post is reblogging it so now your blocking them? genuinely get over yourself. Have you ever considered people just don't like your post that much

[classifiedenigma2]

also people can get way too worked up over the smallest of mistakes. Sorry I don't have the incredible media literacy skills you have and sorry I didn't pick up on the tiniest implication that you have to have read one specific comic and have known the entire history and morals of the past and current writers to realise

not everyone is as brilliantly clever and intuitive as you dude, maybe chill out ans explain things for once

[classifiedenigma2]

Why are some people on the internet genuinely so entitled. like oh, not everybody who likes your post is reblogging it so now your blocking them? genuinely get over yourself. Have you ever considered people just don't like your post that much