Intrinsic Motivation: The Unique Power of Personal Curiosity
Do what you are asked, get a reward.
Do what you are asked, get a reward.
Do what you have been told not to and get punished. This is extrinsic motivation. It comes from an outside source.
For most of us reward and punishment was, and is, a significant part of life. It formed the foundation of how we were motivated in the education (some might say indoctrination) systems that we went through, and then, by extension, we experienced (or still experience as an integral part of the the industrialised work of work. The stark fact is that the majority of people are in work to earn money – not as an expression of their own inner light, their own potential, or their own truth.
This in itself is not always a negative. Many people accept this condition as how life is, often with phrases such as ‘It is just the way things are.’ and then adapt to these conditions, this is sometimes a survival response. They don’t realise, or cannot imagine, that something else is possible. While the ability to adapt to sometimes adverse situations is a positive expression of what it means to be human it is not always the most optimal.
Does that mean you are wrong to accept how the world is and fight against it to change it – or to change yourself to meet it in a different way? That is not for me to judge. It really is a case of – does it work for you?
The upshot is that many people in their lives are motivated to act from a place of expectation of reward or punishment issued by systems or people external to them – or, sometimes, from those people or systems that they have internalised into believing is a part of themselves.
Intrinsic motivation is that which results from within them prior to external influence. What they know to be right, or good, or true, as a result of their own experience – as a result of their own personal curiosity to find out life for themselves.
Intrinsic Motivation
Intrinsic motivation, in some, or even many ways, can be seen as a quality of maturity. Instead of requiring motivation from an external source, someone who is intrinsically motivated acts from a place of deeper knowledge. This does not necessarily mean that they have life all figured out before they act, but rather, they are more in tune with what arises in them from moment to moment. They make their choices from this place – from the moment that I often refer to as the unfolding moment of their becoming.
Extrinsic motivation, waiting for a reward, or choosing how and when to act based on a set of criteria imposed from outside of yourself can lead to a sense of being conditioned. ‘If you cross the yellow line before your are told you will be penalised.’ ‘When the bell rings you can stop working.’ The person who is intrinsically motivated works because they comprehend the necessity of the task at hand – or, they do not cross the line because they are clear on what the inherent dangers are of crossing the line.
The difference is, because they have taken responsibility for themselves and their actions, because they have worked out, often from first principles what is good sense (not to be confused with common sense), they have taken control of their life.
Rules are for Fools and the Guidance of the Wise.
From the outside this can look like someone who breaks the rules.
They break from work at times they deem right for them because it feels right to them to break at that time. This might be an intuitive response or a rationalised one. Either way, they take a break because they are taking responsibility for their own productivity in work. Responsibility = control and choice. If they cross the yellow line it is because they have determined that it is safe to do so.
This dynamic of extrinsic motivation is not confined to work and education though, such transactional relationships can inform how we relate in even the most intimate relationships.
The question is, what happens to individuals, societies, and the systems they produce, when they depend on extrinsic motivation? Is this really a healthy way to live, to accept direction and conditions in order to be forced to survive?
Certainly, for those living lives that are closer to the natural cycles, there are always conditions that need to be met in order to ensure survival, the difference is that they are natural cycles. When those cycles are imposed upon us for the creation of profit for shareholders there is a quality of being that is sacrificed. To relinquish responsibility to a system that would deny us our own intrinsic drives for the sake of creating profit for others, is an issue of a different order.
The Unique Power of Personal Curiosity
The question is, are you happy? Does your life feel meaningful? Are you fulfilled?
Of course, these conditions might be of no interest to you, or you might frame your needs or values in a different way.
My invitation to you though is this, to what degree is your experience of life better when you follow the light from within that illuminates all of the possible paths around you as opposed to heading in the direction of the beam shone from the torch of another?
Again, this is not for me to answer, nor is it a loaded question, not really. I do confess a personal bias, and, it would seem, from my work with those who seek my services, that the maturity of intrinsic motivation serves them at a much more fulfilling level. But it is wrong to presume that that would be the right path for every one.
Maybe though, because you are here reading this, I am going to make the wild assumption that you are a questioner. That you are curious, and quite possibly on a path that deviates from what so many assume to be the only option.
Of course, it is rarely a case of one or the other. We are motivated by different things at different times and in different ways, the question is, who is leading and what follows, and what serves you best in your life?
It is a path that can lead to an increase in consciousness, an increase in consciousness of a part of oneself of which you were previously less conscious.
In this regard it can be seen as an invitation towards greater wholeness.
It is a signpost on a path to greater integration.
It is a marker for potential growth.
It is nothing more and nothing less than an opportunity.
As mentioned in my previous post, marketing and sales are not just a science but also an art. Not in the way of being cunning, not an art in that way, but rather in the way of presenting and sharing what you have to offer; as a creative expression of what you have to offer.
It is not uncommon for some people to associate the things they create with themselves. The pains they go to to make what we make or to serve in the way that we do, it is only natural to feel appreciated for our efforts.
That said, there is something healthy in making distinctions between what we create and what we are. I have spoken about this elsewhere – not least on the Creative Instinct Course, that an over attachment to identifying with our self concept can lead to an unhealthy degree of attachment to trying to be someone or something that, in essence, we are not. If we think we are the thing that we do then we are not relating fully with ourselves, to to all that we are, just to a concept about ourselves.
The more drastically our values diverge from those around us the more separation and distance we can feel as a result. This can be the cause of a neurosis, one that might be the cause of an unnecessary degree of suffering.
For those who have tried to turn their calling, or their creative expression, or their inspired inner light, into a way of life that yields financial rewards, this can be a harsh wall to overcome, because more often than not they can end up feeling so attached to the work they do that any rejection of it is a rejection of them.
At first it can seem like this wall is a block, that it is an obstacle. If not a wall then it can feel like a chasm, a gap between what you feel like the world needs and what it is asking for.
It doesn’t need to be that way.
Sharing Your Truth
If you have put yourself out there and thought that no one wants what you have to offer it’s easy to think that either:
What you are trying to share isn’t really of value, and/or,
You need to be shouting louder, and/or,
You need to be better equipped, and/or
You need to be more of an expert than nearly everyone else.
Whilst it might be fair to say that your act might need some polishing, or you tools a bit of sharpening, it is more often the case that your community is out there and you just need to find them, or help them find you.
The art of marketing can be as simple as just showing up as yourself and showing other people what you have to offer. The trick is, being clear on the offer and clear on the people you are sharing it with.
Finding your community and offering what you have is all that marketing is. Or, perhaps, all it needs to be.
Making a Living
I am passionate about helping as many people as possible improve their quality of life; their experience of being alive, especially their being able to make a living from doing what they love. Not least because economic health and mental health go hand in hand in many cases.
Each and every one of us is tasked with a different set of challenges and a different history. As such the need for help and support will differ accordingly.
That is why the services and courses I offer range from personal development, to business development, to psychotherapy.
Making your way in the world doing what you love is no easy task, but it can, and for most people it is, a worthwhile challenge; emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and materially.
Yes, it takes effort. The question is, how much effort does it need to take? More to the point, what outcomes are your seeing from our efforts – are you seeing enough?
Marketing is, at least at first, one of those things that you can’t see where the effort is going. If your pitch is off, if your message is not clear enough, or if you are aiming at the wrong people, then it is all going to feel like wasted effort. That can be quite a disheartening place to be. If you are combining that sense of wasted effort with measuring yourself against the efficacy and professionalism of others – especially those who you might consider to be your competitors – then it can leave you feeling really hopeless. This is only natural. Once you identify who will value what you have to offer, and offer it to them in a way where they can realise that value, then that is half the job done.
How Aligned Are You With Your Offer?
When you believe in what you do, when you know the value of it, then that knowledge will shine through in what you do.
Remembering the value – realising it and remembering the value of what you do, is a considerable part of the task, because it can be easy to forget the value on those days where you are expending effort and seeing no returns.
If you are aligned with what you are doing. If you know that it is the right thing for you, and that you are doing it for the right reasons, then anything else is a bonus. You will do the best you can and that will be that. You are no invested in needing to be someone on the other end. You are just being who you need to be in the moment.
It can be easy to measure yourself against others and feel like you are in competition with them, but if you are genuinely tapping into your quality, your vision, your truth and delivering this, then, after putting in the leg work, everything else should fall into place. Of course, there are no 100% guarantees, so adding a bit of faith in yourself and trust in the universe into the mix doesn’t hurt either.
I have said it countless times and I will say it countless times to come: You don’t know what your potential is until you realise it. To do that you just have to act towards what feels right, what feels good, and what needs to be done, and be prepared to let go of what you believe to be your limitations, at least enough to be willing to find out what you are capable of.
It really is that simple. It just might not always be easy to put into action because it takes effort and it requires that we step away from the familiar, which can also feel like a safe place to stay.
Conclusion
Feeling ok about marketing can begin with finding out how you can do marketing in a way that works for you, in a way that is in alignment with your values and your principles.
The better you know yourself the better you can be yourself. The better you know the world the better you are at knowing your limitations and how, when, and where you might exceed them. The better you know others the better you can know your audience and their needs.
Healing and prosperity are not dissimilar in that they are founded upon similar principles: Relate, adapt and persist.
I hope this helped? If it did, please leave a comment in the comments section below. If you would like more clarity, perhaps a question for going in deeper in on some of this material then please let me know.
When Your Doctor Prescribes A Course of Creative Instinct
I have a friend in America who works as a medical Doctor.
I consult him occasionally on issues to do with my psychotherapy practice as we have a sympathetic comprehension of how biology, psychology, and the social environment (amongst other things) effect each other in the process of disease and healing.
Over the last couple of weeks we have been exchanging emails on the subject of mindfulness and presence in which he proposed the prescription of a journalling practice as a means of elevating consciousness, because we both recognise a general correlation there with health.
I explained that the updated version of the Creative Instinct Course has that, and that over the last year I have refined and blended it with a couple of other exercises that I recommend as a daily practice – at least for the duration of the course. The ability to remain present with ones experience of life has huge benefits. To stay present with the unfolding moment of becoming can help you meet the challenges of life in more creative, more production, and more healthy ways.
Prescribing Invitations
Well, I just received a message from him suggesting that he begin referring certain of his clients to me.
I find it reassuring to know that such physicians exist, and I know that there are a lot more than we demonstrably shown. The notion that healing interventions are more often than not found in social, physiological, and lifestyle changes, rather than pharmaceutical ones, was clear to many good doctors of the past, and, it would appear to be becoming more and more the case today.
Perhaps the age of doctors prescribing pills is edging towards being a thing of the past, and that a prescription of ‘getting in touch with your instincts and intuitions through being more present with yourself’ might become a foundation approach to healing. I hope so. After all there is a mountain of evidence that points to this as being more and more the case, both psychologically and, subsequently, physiologically too, that people who relate better, to themselves – both emotionally and physically, and to others – tend to have better physical, emotional, and mental health.
Good Timing?
The reason I mention this, aside for the foresight and trend I hope it demonstrates, is that the course is currently on offer. I’ve just extended it to midday Monday 30th of May. I do this occasionally for people on lower incomes and/or in living in countries who’s currency’s value is less than that of the UK.
If you are reading this after the offer has expired, please be reassured by the following two facts
It won’t be the last time I make an offer like this (Although I have no idea when the next on will be)
AND, actually it is generally better to pay more if you can afford it. Why? Because it signals to your psyche that you are valuing your potential MORE.
Also, the more you pay, generally the more motivated you are to do the lessons everyday, which is, after all, the point of the course.
For those wanting to take advantage of the course, the first 4 minutes of the following video explains the basics.
You can find further details about the course HERE.
A direct link to the course page on Thinkific, where the payments are made and the course delivered, can be found HERE in case you are ready to jump on board.
Conclusion
Any questions on suitability? Feel free to drop me a line or hop on a call, I’d be more than willing to help answer any queries you have if and where I can.
There was a point I failed to make in the accompanying video. The point was this:
Would you benefit from getting an income from doing what you love and being financially independent as a result?
Making a Living
People suffer emotionally, mentally, and physically, when they exist in a persistent state of survival. In a culture in which more and more people are living on the edge of, or in poverty, this has become a stark reality that people have to live with on a daily basis.
Having money can, and certainly does mask many deeper psychological issues in some people. It can be a means by which people escape from themselves, or distract themselves from dealing with deeper issues. Poverty is not exclusively the cause of mental illness or emotional turmoil. That said, it can be a significant contributing factor.
It is fair to say that some people who struggle to earn money can suffer from other issues – often related to self worth – but this is a different story. The point is, that for many people whose emotional and mental suffering is rooted in the stress of an economic trap, financial freedom and a sense of prosperity can change all that for the better.
As I say, having money is not the solution to mental or emotional suffering, but poverty can certainly contribute as a cause.
In some way this topic follows on from yesterdays video titled ‘Life is Better When You Can Do What You Love (and Love What You Do)!‘ In so far as the prospect of being able to earn an income from doing what you love might be a good thing.
The question is, why does that seem so far removed as a reality in so many peoples lives? In the case that it might for you, how might you change that? How might you go about manifesting such a quality of life in real terms? How will you make doing what you love not only pay the bills but give you a better quality of life?
If you are going down the self employed route, the answer seems to come back to that thing we talked about, marketing.
Marketing
For those people who are clear on the value of the goods or services they provide, marketing can just be a simple case of getting on and doing it.
For others, the notion of marketing and selling themselves, this can be a little more problematic. For those people with a passion and a calling on what we might call the creative end of the spectrum charging money for doing what they love can feel problematic. The more creative and alternative the person seems to be the more creative and alternative their solutions to life tend to be. Often the consensus way of doing things that society seems of offer can seem outmoded or antithetical to their principles or beliefs. Where others see elements of society and its systems as stable edifices, they might see only shallow facades. They can see layers of subterfuge, and the persona they feel invited to play can feel meaningless, or puerile, or destructive, or nonsensical. They resent having to ‘play the game’, because for them the game seems rigged, or pointless, because it seems meaningless, puerile, destructive, and/or nonsensical.
Some eventually resolve that, at some level, if they are to get somewhere with their lives, they will have to participate in the world on these terms, even if they resolve that they will still find a way to do it in their own way.
The idea of selling themselves though, or what they do, can be abhorrent to them, because it is like selling their souls – which it can be. For those whose principles and values are aligned with life, exploitation, manipulation, and influencing others rarely come easy – or comfortably. The act of marketing and sales can feel like selling out, selling themselves, and compromising integrity.
For those who do resolve that there are ways to do it and maintain their integrity there are then the added complexities of trying to promote themselves and/or their product. Knowing how to calculate the value or worth of what they are delivering to others can also present a challenge. Most will just don’t want to spend time doing marketing or sales, they will just want to be able to get on making their work, or doing the thing they love.
Unequal Play
Working in the arts and specifically coaching creatives in business has showed this to me clearly.
It was a fairly common equation that 80% of a creatives time is taken up with trying to find the funds to make the work in the first place – or having made the work, trying to sell it.
Yes, as and when one becomes established in their practice, this ratio can shift.
It does seem a general theme though that about 0.01% of the time is about being inspired and 99.99% of the time is about working on manifesting and crafting the idea into a thing or event.
The trap can be, for those who are intoxicated by the gift of inspiration, to believe that the work is in that initial imagining.
What they don’t always realise is that their creativity has the potential to infuse its way through the whole process; that it is a real strength.
I mention this because, in my experience, what is often referred to as artistic temperament appears to be a quality of perceiving and being in the world that is innately creative. While this quality is generally expressed in the making of unusual or beautiful things or performances, in effect, it seems to be a motivation to make the world a better place.
People with an artistic temperament are often healing some part of themselves or the world, either by exposing an uncomfortable truth and making it digestible, or attempting to create or manifest a quality of beauty or prosperity to add to the mix. They are trying, as some level to expose and heal dysfunctional and maladaptive aspects of themselves, and/or the societies they inhabit.
Living Creative
Living creative is about adapting to what is.
Creative people are, from my perspective at least, psychodynamic attempts to cure the dysfunctionality and maladaptations in life, whose ripples spread from the personal to the collective and back again. Creative individuals are not assets to be tapped by industry, but rather, an expression of a creative universe attempting to heal itself.
I am not suggesting that this is some definitive truth, but rather a perspective, an alternative lens through which to view the act of creative expression. It doesn’t change the fact that what they create lives on in a capacity of it’s own.
Back to the question of marketing then.
The reason why I believe that it has such a bad press generally is that it is often taught as a science – as a numbers game. Which is fair. At one level it is that. It is also an art though. It is the art of finding your audience – those who will appreciate and value your work – and then sharing it with them.
As I say, the challenge is not in the art or the science for many people, but in the valuing of the products or services they are delivering. This is a whole other ball game that we we touch on in following videos and posts.
For now, here’s the video mentioned above.
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Life is Better When You Can Do What You Love (and Love What You Do)!
If there is an art to showing up it is in the ‘willingness to show up’ rather than exercising the power of ones will. It is about the willingness to endure rather than forcing ourselves to endure. Relaxing into discomfort that comes with challenge has a different quality to gritting ones teeth.
There is an old proverb about having to journey through a storm. If, before departing, you accept that by the time you reach your destination you will be soaked – if you can accept the reality that you will be soaked by the end of the journey, each drop of rain is enviable. You are not someone who is dry, loosing your dryness and the comfort that goes with it, but rather, someone who is already soaked and relaxed with it, just on the way to realising it.
Something similar can be said of the path of life.
This doesn’t mean that I believe life is something just to be endured – far from it – what I believe is that growth often requires effort. It is the way of life, and to endure the discomfort of the challenges that are presented to you as you learn to adapt to the world, to yourself, and to others, is a part of the journey.
In order for a tree to grow strong roots it requires wind; it needs the wind to give it something to resist. The wind gives it a reason to create a strong foundation, to have more of a grip on the world.
Are we any different?
Doing what you love, and, learning to find love in the things you have to – or need to do – will go a fair way in helping you to endure the discomfort of the challenges when they show up.
Of course, the idea that you can go thorough life doing what you love will seem preposterous to some – maybe many – and the idea that you can learn to love what you do may, for others, seem insulting in some instances. Especially in those instances where people feel forced to live in ways that limit them and profit others. If you have experienced such situations you will likely know that there are times when the notion of ‘doing what you love’ or ‘loving what you do’ seem so far beyond reason that you cannot even entertain them.
With that said, there is one thing you can always show up to, and one thing you can grow or learn to love more.
You.
How?
By giving to yourself, by advocating for the best version of yourself that you can be, and then acting towards it, life changes.
Yes, there are plenty of challenging arguments that can be made against this, plenty of reasons why it’s ‘not as simple as that.’ At the same time, it can be simpler than one might think, and it does, for many, appear to be a good place to start.
Showing yourself regard, as if your life was not your own, but a gift that has been bestowed upon you to look after, can dramatically shift how you feel about yourself and your life, and subsequently alter the choices that you make and the actions that you take. It’s so easy to pass off comments like ‘Take care’ or ‘Look after yourself’ without considering how we might put such things into action.
Doing what makes you feel good, doing what feels right, and doing what needs to be done, are simple principles that can give a general outline to how we might steer our choices in life.
Showing up to yourself is easier when you can show up to those aspects of your life that you value and are interested in. If you have lost touch with them, seek, and, where possible, reconnect with your ability to play – to explore without a need for measurable outcomes or discernible gains – just stick with the willingness to find out. After all, it could mean an improvement in the quality of your life, but it doesn’t have to mean that. It might be meaningful in ways you have yet to imagine.
For those seeking a deeper dive with a practice then the Creative Instinct Course is designed to serve that very purpose. You can find out more here.
You Don’t Know Until You Try.
It can help to see life as a gift to take care of, but it is also something to use – to experience.
While circumstances can get challenging, your life, your essence, the root of your experience, is something quite remarkable and totally unique to you. Beginning there, seeking gratitude and seeking to discover those parts that you can celebrate, this can be a rewarding a practice as any.
If there are any specific challenges you are facing in regards to this, any blocks you have to the idea of it, or you want any help working out the next steps to take that are right for you, please consider reaching out for help to someone who can. If you sense that person might be me, please reach out here, find the services section and book a session or use the contact form. Just get in touch and we can go from there.
If that form of support is currently beyond your means then consider leaving a comment below detailing your query and I will do my best to answer it here or in a future video. There are limits to how much I can help in this way, and it will never be a substitute for formal therapy or coaching, but it might be enough for a start.
“If perfection could be attained, it would not be worth having.”
It’s not so much about where you start OR where you end up, but how you travel.
If there is any wisdom to be taken away from the above quote it might be drawn out from this principle.
This video is not the best I have ever made. I won’t go into the reasons here, I think it is fair to say that anyone viewing it with a critical eye will see all the places it falls short. That said, it is my first attempt in this series.
The notion of perfectionism can hold people back from ever trying. It is one thing to be driven to want to produce the best creation that you can, whether it be a video for Youtube or your life. It is another to hold off from acting in the world. Whether this desire for perfection comes from a fear of making mistakes or a sense of not being enough unless we can accomplish perfection, or any other reason for that matter, not to act towards something will invariably leave us siting by the side lines of life, watching the world happen around us.
We will see what they look like by the time I get to the end.
The point of the exercise, and the invitation to you is to start? Act towards the goal and then see where it leads. After all, that is what the challenge is about, getting better at making video content and putting something out there. It is about the challenge, and growth is, quite often, an uncomfortable process.
Also, it is possible that after 30 days I might just discover that video is not a medium that works for me – or me presenting myself through video in this way might not work best at this time. I might find that I am better suited to a podcast or blog posts, I don’t know. What I do know though, is that as long as I stick at it, I will find out.
Deep Potential: What Happens When Your Psyche Guides Your Life
The thing is, one way of looking at it is that your psyche guides your life either way, and that you are always realising your potential. The question is less to do with whether you do or are, but rather what, if anything, might help you realise your potential in ways that you experience as somehow fuller, more whole, or more complete.
This is not some fanciful notion that there is a version of you that is somehow better waiting in the future for you to become, although it might not alway hurt to imagine it that way, rather, that there is a version of you that is less separated – be that internally, within your own psychodynamic processes, or through, or in, your relationship with the wider world. The greater the degree of integration you experience across the board, the fuller, more whole your experience of life can be.
It’s less about trying to do or be something or someone better, it’s more about being what you are in the moment and moving from there.
During my mid to late teens I had occasion to meet and listen to a lot of elderly people. Perhaps it was a bit of a meme amongst them but I would often hear a common refrain, that ‘youth was wasted on the young.’
After hearing this a few times I began asking if there was anything specific that they meant by this. They would generally say that experience in life had taught them that youth is a time of less responsibility and greater vitality. I began to follow this with ‘if they had their time again, what they would do differently?’
Given that memory can be selective, my recollection is that almost every single one said they wished they had travelled more. They may well have just meant ‘as well as’ living the lives they had. I took it as an invitation to just travel.
At 19 I packed a bag and left. I went round the world several times for the best part of 12 years, finally settling in the town where I currently live.
It wasn’t advice as such, because it wasn’t offered directly to me. It was more like a balance of information gained through observation, a weight of opinion that lingered in me until I had a moment of insight and inspiration at 19.
What it took to activate was a catalyst moment, a moment that tipped the balance. What went before that planted the seed, but what made the difference was choosing to take dramatic action when the opportunity arose.
There are many ways one can choose to live their life. This idea of Deep Potential is one such way. To be present with life, to take on board the information and experiences that come our way, and to trust in the deeper intelligence – the higher self as some will call it – the Self – the unconscious elements of the psyche. That part of us that has the capacity to hold and process and advocate for the best life – or, to phrase it better, a better expression of life.
In my experience, the value of advice has been in the fact that it has either confirmed or denied my own perspective, or experience, never because I have acted on it directly. Travel certainly broadened my mind and opened my heart, but I couldn’t say that it would do the same for anyone.
Would I advise anyone to travel? No. But I would say that in my experience travelling was a life changing experience, and one that I am grateful I had.
The answer to this question depends on who you are and what you want advice for.
That said, generally I would say the following:
Yourself.
First of all, seek your own counsel.
Trust yourself, and if you don’t trust the version of yourself to offer the advice you sense you seek in the moment, then maybe let your higher self guide you?
What do I mean by this?
Nothing more complicated than allowing a deeper part of you to guide you. What is your gut instinct? Or do you have an intuition about the situation.
There are other exercises that can help with this, some of which are shared here, here, here, and here. So I won’t go into them any deeper here. But yes, seek your own counsel. First and foremost learn to trust yourself.
If you want a second opinion then this…
Someone Else
Seek out someone who you can see has accomplished the thing/s that you are seeking to accomplish, or is expressing the qualities you wish to express. Not because they tell you that is what they have done, but because you see the evidence of it in them. Show them courtesy and, where sought, explain your reasons. Be prepared to explain the ways in which you sought the answer first and where you got stuck seeking a solution. Be prepared to identify what it is they have accomplished that led you to seek their advice. If they do not wish to share advice then accept that graciously too. If they do share advice then show them the courtesy of listening with your mind and your heart. Once you part, go back to step one.
No Such Thing
I was once told that there is no such thing as good advice because wise people don’t need it and idiots ignore it. I’m still confused as to where that locates me on the spectrum for hearing a truth in it?
Either way, it illustrates the point of steps 1 and 2. At the end of the day, the final choice comes back to you.
Know yourself, and to your own self be true.
. . . . . . .
What is The Biggest Challenge Living Through Your Late 20’s?
The same thing at any age perhaps?
Namely, integrating better with those truths in life that we have separated from, and letting go of the things that no longer serve us.
That said, it is fair to say that around the late 20’s this can be focussed in specific areas of life, and in specific ways.
It is fair to say that the vast majority of my patients and clients are in their late 20’s, and while each person comes with a unique set of needs and challenges, there appears to be a general commonality amongst them. At some levels it is always a question of relating and adapting, but I’d like to expand that out for a moment to share a little more context.
Of course, this will always depend on the individual, and there is no right or wrong way about it because we are all different, but this can show up at a biological level as a desire to settle into a relationship and have children. This is common between the ages of 25 and 35. In my experience this drive appears to start to peak in women who have not yet had children around the age of 28, but this is not exclusive. Men can also feel this drive too. When either sex feels this and does not have a mate then this can become an issue. The stronger the instinct, the stronger the issue too.
For men, traditionally, the period toward the end of the 20’s can show up with questions as to what they are doing with their life, what effect are they having on the world. Are they making a mark?
Biologically, for those without children at a similar age to their partners, they might be contending with the instinctive pressures that their partners are feeling to have children too. One’s sense of responsibility can shift away from oneself as an individual and towards the prospect of becoming a potential family. That is rarely a small step in anyones life. For those who feel uncertain or unconfident about taking it, then this can be a common source of pressure.
For those who are single, or in relationships where the prospect of having children is not a consideration, then the question of ‘What am I doing with my life?’ can still be present.
For both sexes there appears to be a period around the end of their 20’s when they take stock of the direction of their lives and question what their purpose is – or if the path they are on is actually the right one.
If there is difficulty during this period for either sex I would say that it rests here, or at least in this general area.
Is the life you are currently living fulfilling you in all of the ways it could?
Are you living true to your potential or not?
Do you feel like you are on the right path or do you need to change tack?
In conclusion then perhaps the hardest part of one’s late 20’s is working that bit out. What is the right path for you? What will ultimately be the best option for you?
Once this is resolved then individuals generally either recommit to the path they are on or change tack completely.
The hardest part of one’s late 20’s then is perhaps getting to the place where you have made the right choice and can commit to it fully.
Three Signs to Look Out For as Progress in Psychotherapy
Here are three signs that you are progressing in your psychotherapy:
1. An Increase in Ego Strength.
Your ability to feel your emotions without feeling toppled by them is a good sign. Ego strength is not about the sense of what or who you think you are – that is more the concept of yourself, or you ‘self concept’.
The ego is the sense of being that you have. The ‘I am’ that is having the experience.
Having a strong ego essentially translates to being able to meet the experience of life as it is. Emotions are generally the signals of instinctual drives. Learning how to read them as signals more accurately, and to our advantage, is generally a step in a healthy direction. It is often when we misread these cues that we end up maladapting to the world, to other people, and to ourselves.
2. Things Can Get Worse Before They Get Better
It’s an odd one this, but, especially near the beginning of a therapeutic relationship things can sometimes feel like they are getting worse. Strangely this can be a good sign. Of course, the period that it lasts for needs to be taken into account, but generally speaking, for a certain period it is not uncommon, and no bad thing.
Sometimes, old patterns of behaviour, established in the past – e.g. the result of the patient being forced to make a poor decision in a bad situation – can amp up in intensity. Sometimes.
Sometimes this amplification of affect, of feeling our emotions, is a sign that the patient is learning to feel in a deeper way, that their ego is strengthening. This is why therapy can be uncomfortable, because often we are being called to go into the valid suffering we have been avoiding in order to release ourselves from the unnecessary suffering that we can end up repeating in an attempt to avoid facing the valid suffering, or the fear of it. This is an over simplification, and each case will vary, but the premise is generally true.
3. You Feel Better More of the Time (Except When…)
The clue is sort of in the language. Feeling Better. After all, isn’t that why we attend therapy, to heal? Perhaps the best metric for that is that we feel better. Too obvious? Well, Yes and no. Sigmund Freud, the founder of Psychoanalysis, identified a phenomena with patients he called ‘Flight to Health’ in which a patient might present as suddenly feeling much better thank you very much. This can even occur prior to a session. Previously wrapped up in symptoms when making the appointment a patient can arrive suddenly feeling much better. Or after a single session. This is not uncommon. Again, without contact it is very difficult to say when there is genuine healing taking place and this ‘flight to health.’ Psychotherapy really needs to be conducted on a case by case basis. However, the principle exists. This is another good reason why a block of sessions in a treatment plan is advised, and can be more helpful that single intermittent sessions. In the same way that a patients can suddenly get worse then they can suddenly get better.
The baseline though is still valid. If, over time, you realise that you are feeling better more of the time, then that is a good sign. If your symptoms ease, or your relationship to them changes for the better, if events, or situations, or people that you used to struggle with become tolerable, manageable, maybe even inconsequential, then these are indications that you are making good progress in psychotherapy.
Live Creative: How to Make a Short FIlm in 24 Hours
Recording audio tracks of older blog post articles seemed like a good idea at the time. Not everyone has time to read. Some people prefer to listen.
Simple.
I decided to start at the beginning, with this blog post.
At least I tried.
They do say that all writing is rewriting. That the true craft of writing is in the edit. Whoever they are, I agree with them. While I would sometimes rather it wasn’t the case, that the words might just flow, effortlessly woven into lyrical phrases, alighting on the page like a slow but playful dance; Erudite and enigmatic down to the last syllable.
Well, it didn’t read quite like that.
It read more like I had written it under a table, in the back of a pick up, on a bumpy road, on a hot day, whilst having to wear clothing that was too small for me.
Clearly it was not my finest work.
The ideas it contained were fair enough, but their delivery had about as much charm as a chemical toilet.
So I rewrote it, and then I recorded it.
It was still a bit clunky in places, but I’m not going to admit it to anyone.
It was then I had the brilliant idea that I would also put it up on YouTube. All I needed to do was grab a few apt stills. Stick them in and Bob, as they used to say, would be my uncle.
It was then that I discovered Pexels.
Firstly, I love making things out of found materials. Repurposing found footage, not unlike finding alternate uses for glass jars and metal coat hangers, brings me joy. My first fuller length film was made in a similar way. Secondly, the footage is free to use with a donation option.
I love filming. I love recording image, directing actors, and moving with a camera. I just currently don’t have time to film anything much longer than the occasional YouTube Vlog posts or Instagram Reels.
Pexels, and the quality content shared by its community, was a revelation; A joyful revelation.
24 hours later I had a 20 minute short.
I can’t imagine I will be doing it again in a hurry. I can’t remember the last time I pulled an all nighter editing.
Although, I have to say, while it was effort, and uncomfortable at times, I loved every minute of it. I love it because I get lost in it. The time passes faster than I notice. First it’s 1:30am, then 3am, then it’s getting light outside, and then it is daytime.
Here’s the thing, you don’t notice how far you have travelled until you look back and see where you were.
Each time you push the edge of the envelope it doesn’t take long before you find yourself in a place that feels comfortable again. The edge expands and you slide into it each time. Also, when you push outside of your comfort zone consistently, you can find yourself familiar with spending more time there. The unknown, the fear of making mistakes, whatever it was that held you back, stops feeling as uncomfortable as it once did. You start to appreciate that the reason that space felt uncomfortable was because you were just used to staying comfortable – and what you thought was discomfort was generally more your anticipation of the discomfort of the effort you needed to put in – not the outcome that was on the other side. Which is generally something akin to growth.
There is no reason why you should leave your comfort zone either. If you are happy where you are then why change. But for those who sense there is something more for them, so fuller experience of life, then this might be of use.
If you want something that you perceive is outside your comfort zone, do it.
Allow yourself to make mistakes and take it one step at a time!
Trust yourself.
Even if you can’t find that piece of you right at this moment, it is there. Advocate for it.
Show up to what is true and be honest with yourself. There’s nothing to be gained in lying to yourself.
Forgive yourself too if you have got things wrong in the past, especially if you still find it hard to make mistakes. The point about mistakes is that you learn from them. If you keep making the same mistake then that is often life calling you to find the deeper lesson that is there for you.
Where and went you can, find gratitude. If that seems hard, look for it in the small things, in the simple things. That can often be the best place to start. The same is true of forgiveness, that you find it in your heart before you can match it in the world.
All these things take patience so go easy on yourself.
You deserve the best.
Once you learn that you have the power to provide that for yourself, anything is possible.
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