Misplaced Lens Cap
blake kathryn
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
⁂
#extradirty
wallacepolsom
Xuebing Du
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
pixel skylines
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Product Placement
will byers stan first human second
Cosmic Funnies
dirt enthusiast
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Today's Document
Game of Thrones Daily
Andulka
tumblr dot com
Stranger Things
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@closebutnotquitewright
3 year old: what’s destiny?
6 year old: I know what it is!
Me: go on
6 year old: it’s your place.
Me: yes, but it’s also your future.
6 year old: like, my destiny is… swimming!
Me: yeeees… but… it’s usually bigger than that, more than just you.
3 year old, supportively: maybe a whale.
Gonna start side eying that one kid if they ever become a sea captain ngl
A mating dance (?)
How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears
The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out “let me on” in unison and then since I’m driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said “do you play fortnite” and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted “THIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITE” and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite
A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.
The hero we deserve
When I was on register at Kohl’s a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too
i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said “your ring is very pretty” and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said “does that mean you’re marrying two people?!”
I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom “that lady has superpowers, don’t tell anyone or the government will take her away”.
The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.
god I love tiny kids
there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming “CHEMICALS” at the top of his lungs. he wouldn’t even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.
I was watching these kids at church today and one of them screamed and threw a toy car into the wall and it broke and the other one looked over calmly and said “does your insurance cover that?”
I was taking the drink order for a family at work and I asked their kid what he wanted to drink and he just looked at me with a completely deadpan expression and said “vodka” and me and the parents just fucking lost it
kid I used to babysit asked why my lips were different (she was two), and when I told her that it was because I was wearing lipstick, she yelled, “MAYA, I WANT LIPITZ.”
I work in a school and every time I draw anything on the board (I am a terrible artist and usually resort to stick men), the kids will all go ‘I love your picture, that’s a great drawing Miss’. So blindly supportive.
One time my younger brother ordered a “non-alcoholic fanta” at a hotel bar and the bartender lost his shit and I was never the same man
When I was student teaching, I was taking my fourth graders back from lunch and noticed one little girl looking longingly at the playground, where the younger kids were having recess. She heaved a big sigh and said, “I used to be that free.”
oh my god little kids in the library are the BEST one time i was looking for a book and a little girl tried to help me cause we always help HER find the books she wants. sometimes when i’m helping them check out they’ll tell me about the books they’re getting. i know so much about dog man.
oh man! another hilarious thing kids in the library do! they will straight up TELL ON THEIR PARENTS!
mom: the book was like that when we checked it out
child, innocently confused: i thought (little brother) did that though?
dad: yes that’s our correct address and phone number
child, barely paying attention: we MOOOOVED!! :D
parent: we never checked that book out
child, trying to be helpful: yes we did, that’s the one we lost at grandma’s house, remember?
me, fighting laughter and trying to decide whether or not the enter the child’s testimony as official evidence or not
Day 2 of summer day camp one of the tables of 8-9 year olds was asking if I was a boy or a girl, and I was explaining to them that ‘neither’ could be an answer. And one of the girls SLAMMED her hands down on the table and leaned forward like a lawyer at a cross-examination to ask “WHAT’S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU’LL STILL EAT ANYWAY”
A moment burned into my brain:
A children’s theater thing in Central Park, sometime in the late 70s. A crowd of kids of ages… oh, 7 to 10 or thereabouts. A fairy-tale-ish story’s being enacted for them. A princely hero’s been given a sword to take on a journey and instructed not to put it down under any circumstances or Very Bad Things will happen.
Shortly the prince runs into a witch (as one does). She wants the sword, and starts wheedling him to put it down, take a rest, it must be so heavy, etc etc. He resists for a while but finally begins to think about agreeing, about putting it down. And while this is happening, a Monster is creeping up behind him.
Shrieks of warning from the horrified audience as the Monster gets closer and closer. “No, no!” “Look out!” “It’s right behind you!” “Don’t put it down!”
And into one of those unpredictable spaces of silence that sometimes falls in live performance, a single voice speaks up. Little girl sitting not far from me, one of those absolutely angelic-faced children, maybe seven years old, like a little doll. And she says, with piercing clarity and sheer bloodthirsty relish:
“Go ahead! Put it down. Let’s see what happens.”
actually supervillains with kid hero nemeses are hysterical bc if i was a billionaire and i found out the kid who was also my nemesis was a preteen orphan i would simply adopt them. oh you’re going to stop my nefarious schemes? how when you’re grounded. go to your room
the trick is be a good parent so they don’t wanna fight you. son if you topple my criminal empire how will i pay for your college? reverse batmanning
Weaponized guilt. Son you’re out on a school night? When you have that big science test tomorrow? I thought you’d be studying…getti g some rest…no I’m not mad I’m just. Well a little disappointed I guess. What do you mean this wouldn’t be happening if I’d stop robbing banks their insurance covers it son money isn’t real
Who’s this guy is he your “sidekick”? That’s so cute when are you having him over for dinner. I’m not teasing I think it’s sweet I’m glad you’re making friends. Side note how durable is he I’m about to throw a car at you
oh my god and it's a Canada Goose so this is the equivalent of befriending a small demon
OP you're wrong. Duck, duck is the most perfect name for a goose, ever.
This makes me so happy every time I read it. Especially the bit where Guy makes DuckDuck smoothies of all the good stuff he’s meant to eat.
This is the best buddy comedy-drama ever.
Duck Duck is a perfect name for a goose. He's Duck Duck Goose.
It's not chicken news, but it's adjacent - we found this little man huddled in a parking lot. We tried all the shelters and the rescues and NextDoor and Craigslist, nobody was looking for him and nobody would take him off our hands. So we have an elderly bunny now. He's a little asshole and he runs our lives and we love him.
Honestly where would we be as a society without the "if I had a nickel for every time [x] happened, I would have two nickles. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice" meme. Perfect meme to express confusion that something happened two whole times which is not a LARGE number of times, usually, but for this specific thing that is a lot of times. We owe Doofenshmirtz everything
ALT
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“Where do I stand on the – on the WHAT? The “Transgender Question”? Well for one thing, sir, I recall the last few usages of that particular phraseology. A group of millions is not a question – I have not yet finished speaking – not a question, but a demographic.“
“The Romans had their castrated priestesses, the Hindus their Hijras, but my god, let us take to the barricades because Uncle Al came to Thanksgiving in a skirt and pantyhose! It’s the province of rubes. Hayseed reactionaries and the worst effluvia of America’s suburban colon.”
“And Chapelle! My god, Chapelle. Embarrassing as only a true great can become in his declining years – I speak here with complete self-awareness; kindly hold your barbs – as he tires of innovation and falls back into the soporific cushion of the lowest common denominator!”
“One joke stretched until you can hear its joints popping like some poor bastard broken on the rack. “Oh my car has pronouns, I identify as a bird, I’m trans-Chinese.” The laziness of it – shameful. You should see the transgendered roast themselves; there’s true scorched earth.“
Brilliant.
Sometimes I see someone on here I think is a bit cringe and I check their blog and see they’re like 15 & the bit of cringe is undercut by a slight fondness. Like when a baby’s being noisy in a store. This still isn’t pleasant but I hold no ill will towards you. Blessings upon your travels
[ID: a reply from @unexpectedyarns that reads “Ah but the 15 YOs think we’re cringe for breathing, let alone being on tumblr” /end ID]
This is also the nature of children. They’re a little bit annoying and they often think you’re uncool. I remain unbothered. A 15 year old’s opinion of me is generally of little personal relevance
The holy trinity
Important addition!! https://www.reddit.com/r/inthenews/comments/14bpckz/a_white_supremacist_took_mdma_for_a_study_and_it/
jesse we need to cook empathy jesse
My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency
Thinking about how when my oldest brother took Japanese classes his professor was like your pronunciation is really good 😊 but you need to watch movies that aren't about the Yakuza because you sound like a criminal
somewhere in this beautiful world there is a man who sounds like Paulie Walnuts because he learned English by watching the Sopranos
pick one you bald genderless idiot
was anyone going to tell me that the pope's dressmaker posts dick and cock on instagram or was i supposed to find out for myself
waittttt there's more. apparently he was outed as a homosexual by a competitor but the pope was like well the gowns are sickening so what am i gonna do about it? and so he's still the pope's dressmaker even though he said vatican priests tried to fuck him all the time when he was closeted. work
He also makes SEX perfume
my favorite customer service slip ups
