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hello vonnie
d e v o n
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Mike Driver
I'd rather be in outer space đž
Jimmy Eat World
Cookie Run:Kingdom Official!
KIROKAZE
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â
Interview Vampire Daily
shark vs the universe
Color Me Curious
PR's Tumblrdome
taylor price
Discoholic đȘ©
Sade Olutola
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@closebutnotquitewright
3 year old: whatâs destiny?
6 year old: I know what it is!
Me: go on
6 year old: itâs your place.
Me: yes, but itâs also your future.
6 year old: like, my destiny is⊠swimming!
Me: yeeees⊠but⊠itâs usually bigger than that, more than just you.
3 year old, supportively: maybe a whale.
Gonna start side eying that one kid if they ever become a sea captain ngl
A mating dance (?)
How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and sheâs like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears
The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out âlet me onâ in unison and then since Iâm driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said âdo you play fortniteâ and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted âTHIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITEâ and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite
A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.
The hero we deserve
When I was on register at Kohlâs a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too
i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said âyour ring is very prettyâ and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said âdoes that mean youâre marrying two people?!â
I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom âthat lady has superpowers, donât tell anyone or the government will take her awayâ.
The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.
god I love tiny kids
there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming âCHEMICALSâ at the top of his lungs. he wouldnât even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.
I was watching these kids at church today and one of them screamed and threw a toy car into the wall and it broke and the other one looked over calmly and said âdoes your insurance cover that?â
I was taking the drink order for a family at work and I asked their kid what he wanted to drink and he just looked at me with a completely deadpan expression and said âvodkaâ and me and the parents just fucking lost it
kid I used to babysit asked why my lips were different (she was two), and when I told her that it was because I was wearing lipstick, she yelled, âMAYA, I WANT LIPITZ.â
I work in a school and every time I draw anything on the board (I am a terrible artist and usually resort to stick men), the kids will all go âI love your picture, thatâs a great drawing Missâ. So blindly supportive.
One time my younger brother ordered a ânon-alcoholic fantaâ at a hotel bar and the bartender lost his shit and I was never the same man
When I was student teaching, I was taking my fourth graders back from lunch and noticed one little girl looking longingly at the playground, where the younger kids were having recess. She heaved a big sigh and said, âI used to be that free.â
oh my god little kids in the library are the BEST one time i was looking for a book and a little girl tried to help me cause we always help HER find the books she wants. sometimes when iâm helping them check out theyâll tell me about the books theyâre getting. i know so much about dog man.
oh man! another hilarious thing kids in the library do! they will straight up TELL ON THEIR PARENTS!
mom: the book was like that when we checked it out
child, innocently confused: i thought (little brother) did that though?
dad: yes thatâs our correct address and phone number
child, barely paying attention: we MOOOOVED!! :D
parent: we never checked that book out
child, trying to be helpful: yes we did, thatâs the one we lost at grandmaâs house, remember?
me, fighting laughter and trying to decide whether or not the enter the childâs testimony as official evidence or not
Day 2 of summer day camp one of the tables of 8-9 year olds was asking if I was a boy or a girl, and I was explaining to them that âneitherâ could be an answer. And one of the girls SLAMMED her hands down on the table and leaned forward like a lawyer at a cross-examination to ask âWHATâS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOUâLL STILL EAT ANYWAYâ
A moment burned into my brain:
A childrenâs theater thing in Central Park, sometime in the late 70s. A crowd of kids of ages⊠oh, 7 to 10 or thereabouts. A fairy-tale-ish storyâs being enacted for them. A princely heroâs been given a sword to take on a journey and instructed not to put it down under any circumstances or Very Bad Things will happen.
Shortly the prince runs into a witch (as one does). She wants the sword, and starts wheedling him to put it down, take a rest, it must be so heavy, etc etc. He resists for a while but finally begins to think about agreeing, about putting it down. And while this is happening, a Monster is creeping up behind him.
Shrieks of warning from the horrified audience as the Monster gets closer and closer. âNo, no!â âLook out!â âItâs right behind you!â âDonât put it down!â
And into one of those unpredictable spaces of silence that sometimes falls in live performance, a single voice speaks up. Little girl sitting not far from me, one of those absolutely angelic-faced children, maybe seven years old, like a little doll. And she says, with piercing clarity and sheer bloodthirsty relish:
âGo ahead! Put it down. Letâs see what happens.â
actually supervillains with kid hero nemeses are hysterical bc if i was a billionaire and i found out the kid who was also my nemesis was a preteen orphan i would simply adopt them. oh youâre going to stop my nefarious schemes? how when youâre grounded. go to your room
the trick is be a good parent so they donât wanna fight you. son if you topple my criminal empire how will i pay for your college? reverse batmanning
Weaponized guilt. Son youâre out on a school night? When you have that big science test tomorrow? I thought youâd be studyingâŠgetti g some restâŠno Iâm not mad Iâm just. Well a little disappointed I guess. What do you mean this wouldnât be happening if Iâd stop robbing banks their insurance covers it son money isnât real
Whoâs this guy is he your âsidekickâ? Thatâs so cute when are you having him over for dinner. Iâm not teasing I think itâs sweet Iâm glad youâre making friends. Side note how durable is he Iâm about to throw a car at you
oh my god and it's a Canada Goose so this is the equivalent of befriending a small demon
OP you're wrong. Duck, duck is the most perfect name for a goose, ever.
This makes me so happy every time I read it. Especially the bit where Guy makes DuckDuck smoothies of all the good stuff heâs meant to eat.
This is the best buddy comedy-drama ever.
Duck Duck is a perfect name for a goose. He's Duck Duck Goose.
It's not chicken news, but it's adjacent - we found this little man huddled in a parking lot. We tried all the shelters and the rescues and NextDoor and Craigslist, nobody was looking for him and nobody would take him off our hands. So we have an elderly bunny now. He's a little asshole and he runs our lives and we love him.
Honestly where would we be as a society without the "if I had a nickel for every time [x] happened, I would have two nickles. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice" meme. Perfect meme to express confusion that something happened two whole times which is not a LARGE number of times, usually, but for this specific thing that is a lot of times. We owe Doofenshmirtz everything
ALT
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âWhere do I stand on the â on the WHAT? The âTransgender Questionâ? Well for one thing, sir, I recall the last few usages of that particular phraseology. A group of millions is not a question â I have not yet finished speaking â not a question, but a demographic.â
âThe Romans had their castrated priestesses, the Hindus their Hijras, but my god, let us take to the barricades because Uncle Al came to Thanksgiving in a skirt and pantyhose! Itâs the province of rubes. Hayseed reactionaries and the worst effluvia of Americaâs suburban colon.â
âAnd Chapelle! My god, Chapelle. Embarrassing as only a true great can become in his declining years â I speak here with complete self-awareness; kindly hold your barbs â as he tires of innovation and falls back into the soporific cushion of the lowest common denominator!â
âOne joke stretched until you can hear its joints popping like some poor bastard broken on the rack. âOh my car has pronouns, I identify as a bird, Iâm trans-Chinese.â The laziness of it â shameful. You should see the transgendered roast themselves; thereâs true scorched earth.â
Brilliant.
Sometimes I see someone on here I think is a bit cringe and I check their blog and see theyâre like 15 & the bit of cringe is undercut by a slight fondness. Like when a babyâs being noisy in a store. This still isnât pleasant but I hold no ill will towards you. Blessings upon your travels
[ID: a reply from @unexpectedyarns that reads âAh but the 15 YOs think weâre cringe for breathing, let alone being on tumblrâ /end ID]
This is also the nature of children. Theyâre a little bit annoying and they often think youâre uncool. I remain unbothered. A 15 year oldâs opinion of me is generally of little personal relevance
The holy trinity
Important addition!! https://www.reddit.com/r/inthenews/comments/14bpckz/a_white_supremacist_took_mdma_for_a_study_and_it/
jesse we need to cook empathy jesse
My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency
Thinking about how when my oldest brother took Japanese classes his professor was like your pronunciation is really good đ but you need to watch movies that aren't about the Yakuza because you sound like a criminal
somewhere in this beautiful world there is a man who sounds like Paulie Walnuts because he learned English by watching the Sopranos
pick one you bald genderless idiot
was anyone going to tell me that the pope's dressmaker posts dick and cock on instagram or was i supposed to find out for myself
waittttt there's more. apparently he was outed as a homosexual by a competitor but the pope was like well the gowns are sickening so what am i gonna do about it? and so he's still the pope's dressmaker even though he said vatican priests tried to fuck him all the time when he was closeted. work
He also makes SEX perfume
my favorite customer service slip ups
