Oh my god, I've missed you more. I had to come back - you wouldn't give me a straight answer about what they were studying in Astronomy. Figured I needed to check it out for myself.
The spine of the book felt smooth and pristine beneath her fingertip. It was a shame, Clove thought to herself, to have all these beautiful books in a place where there was nothing but time to pour over them, but to have not a single spine broken. She couldnât blame them. How was anyone supposed to sink themselves away into a story when stuck with the circumstances they were likely given in a place like this? Clove had made the mistake of telling the nurses that she loved reading and every morning since then, they were kind enough to bring her a new book. A few of them Clove had ready already, others she would love, and meanwhile there were several that she had no interest in whatsoever but would normally slip herself easily into. Yet none of them were opened. Each and every one of them remained shut on her bed tray located on the night table fixed beside her.
It scared her, if Clove was being completely honest.
It scared her that the one constant thing sheâd done for nearly her entire life, she couldnât do, and she couldnât place whether the problem was with this place or with her.
She told herself it had something to do with time. Clove had spent the past several weeks counting her time, pondering over how she'd spend her last moments, worried about what exactly she'd be doing in her final moments when the inevitability of oblivion dawned onto her. Perhaps it was the overwhelming question of whether someone elseâs story was worth her last few moments. But as her days became thick with watching the wall turn from grey to grey, Clove knew exactly what was wrong.
She wasnât supposed to be here. She was supposed to be at Hogwarts. She was supposed to be struggling with Potions essays, pondering over the effect of the new moon on Cassiopeia, and above all she was supposed to be curled in a dusty corner within the library or the Gryffindor Common Room, perhaps with Enderâs coat around her shoulders, reading there.
And somewhere within the grey and grey of the walls brought between dusk and dawn, Clove decided sheâd grown rather tired of puttering on the shores of her story.
She was going to get better. Day after day, she told herself everything was working. Her lungs opened, her lips regained their moisture, her legs â strong, her eyes no longer ached at first sight of the sun, and her skin â though pale as it normally was â revived its luminescence.
 Seated straight with her back to the door, Clove watched out her hospital window as the moon shone brightly in the night sky. There was a peace in her shoulders, a stillness in the air interrupted only by the slight but confident breaths she took. The peace became interrupted by a gentle knock at the door.
âCome in,â Clove softly called out. The door pushed ajar and there stood her doctor along with one of the nurses. They both walked over to her, a new stack of books in their hands. Cloveâs heart immediately sunk. She still had yet to muster the nerve to confess that she wasnât reading their books.
âHere you go,â the nurse said as they set the books down onto her bed. âNew ones for you!â she chimed. Clove looked up into their eyes and caught the hint of something playful she couldnât quite pinpoint.
âO-OhâŠy-yeah, thanks,â she whispered. She turned around and inched to the books. But the moment her eyes fell onto them, she froze. Standard Grade of Spells, Advanced Magizoology⊠Cloveâs eyes snapped wide. âWh-âŠWhat are these?â she asked, gaze snapping back to them. She knew the books instantly. After all, she spent hours upon hours fawning over the list of texts she needed for the final year of Hogwarts that she wouldnât be able to attend. And she long ago accepted that reality that Hogwarts, for her, was over. But to be able to at least read those texts and study them for herself meant more than she realized it would.
âWell,â her doctor began. âTheyâre new books. We figured you needed them, what with going back to Hogwarts and all.â
It took a few moments before Clove dawned on the full weight of his words. Her mouth fell open. She stared from the two of them, then down to her books, then back up to them.
âA-..Are you s-serious?â she stammered, eyes wide.
The two nodded eagerly, the wide grins they fought back from earlier finally spreading across their faces. Clove couldnât contain herself. She rose to her feet onto the bed and jumped towards them, wrapping her arms tightly around the both of them.
Not your fault. Nothing you coulda done to stop it from happening, right?Â
What? How come you never told me you were in there? You couldâve saved me so much reading and stuying time. I couldâve just made you use your knowledge to help me out. I thought that for the longest time. Not just about here, but about everything. That one day I was am gonna wake up and all this will be gone. Hogwarts, you, Mom and Dad. Everything and Iâll be back there where no one wants me. OopsâŠdidnât meant for any of that stuff to come out. But now itâs there and I shouldnât take it out.Â
I donât hate you. I donât think he does either. I donât think anyone could hate you. We all care about you too much to hate you. Itâs impossible to hate you.Â
So sleep! Stop writing letters and seep. If your body is telling you that you need more sleep then you need more sleep. I nearly lost you, please take care of yourself. I canât bear to actually lose you.
Is that a hint? Is that an âEnder, go find out what theyâre studying in Astronomy right now for me, please.â
You make it sound like I know lots of helpful information, but I really don't. You know a lot more than I do. Why do you think I always ran to you in our first year for help? I guess I could have done the reading for you though; I don't mind.Â
Well, let's just try and remind one another that this is all actually real. We can't be having the same dream, can we?Â
How can you still say that - after everything I've done? Ender, there's plenty of reason to hate me and you still should. ...But thank you for not.
Okay. I'll sleep. If it makes you feel better. And maayybbbeeeee. Just a little tidbit? Or maybe even what they've started in Care of Magical Creatures. Please.Â
Not different makes it sound like not better and I want you to be better. I donât think I could handle seeing you like you were in the hospital again. It sucked.Â
Are you inside my brain some how, Ms. Asher? Because Iâve been thinking that. Even the students here who arenât pureblood for the most part were raised knowing about the magical world. I spent half my life being told I was cursed. Itâs not an easy transition to make here.Â
Iâm still sorry about Kovu. Iâm pretty sure heâs pissed and both of us right now. And itâd be a lot easier to ignore his irritation at me if we didnât share a dorm. As for Sandra, nothing really. It really isnât important, I promise.Â
I canât make friends. First, I donât know how. Seriously. I went home for the summer and all knowledge of social norms was removed from my brain. So yeah, friends canât happen. Unless someone figures out how to return what was taken. And I do see people. I have choir and Quidditch and classes and I live with people. I see people everyday. I even talk to those people most of the time. But Iâll try to be better at the friends things just for you.
Yes. I've been inside your brain for a while and can't leave. It's comfortable there. But I totally get what you're saying. It's been how many years and I'm still not used to all of it. I keep thinking I must be off somewhere reading a really good book and that soon I'm going to finish it and I'll be back in the muggle world except it won't be called the muggle world. It'll just be. I can only imagine how it must be for you.
It's okay. I expected him to hate me over this. I expected wanted everyone to hate me over this. Especially you.Â
You know how to make friends. You made friends with me! Just do what you did then and you're more than good.Â
I hate sleeping. I think I'm not sleeping enough; every time I wake up, my body wants more and I can't keep up with it. Maybe I just miss the stars or something. I wonder what the Astronomy class is studying first?
How am I? I think the better question is how are you? Howâs everything there?
Thereâs not much to tell really. Classes are classes. I constantly feel like Iâm ten steps behind everyone else. Why donât classes come as easily to me as music or Quidditch? Everything would be so much easier if they did.Â
But you want details of school and not my whining about already being overwhelmed. I might have told Kovu too much. I donât know what you what him to know. How much youâve already told him. I let it slip that you were in the hospital. Please donât be upset with me if thatâs something that you were keeping from him for whatever reason. Iâm sorry that I let it slip out.Â
Alessandra and I have been talking arguing about nothing important really. We just have differing opinions of things and we both want to be heard.Â
Iâm honestly not sure what else to say. Iâve been busy with worry about you, trying to find my parents, missing you other things that have kept me pretty much away from the social circles. Are you going to be able to come back soon? I miss seeing you everyday.
No. I'd much rather hear about how you are. I'm okay, though. Nothing different, but I think that's a good thing. I've just been sleeping lots.Â
Classes don't come easily to me either. Do you think it has anything to do with us not growing up in the magical world? Maybe that's why. I don't think it has anything to do with us.Â
It's okay. He was bound to find out eventually and it's really not right for me to keep him in the dark or anyone. Nik is really upset with me. I can't handle his letters anymore; I don't think I can answer back if he replies to my last one. Sorry, I rambled again. Please don't feel bad.
What have you two been arguing about? Please, stay away from her.Â
That's silly! Ender, it's your last year at Hogwarts. I know it's going to be really tough with school and choosing what to do after graduation, but you have to see people! You have to make friends and go have fun and do all those things that seniors do. And you have to tell me about everything all the fun you have, okay?Â
By now the Hogwarts Express would be leaving Platform Nine and Three Quarters. By now the compartments were filled with eager children, some who were staring their adventures and others who were well-versed in the trip from London all the way to Hogwarts. By now friends were being made while others were recounting their summers and their excitement for the new school year. By now her friends were safely stowed in their compartments for what would be their final trip to school on the Hogwarts Express and while they were all reminiscing and fondly stealing every moment of the experience they could, Clove wasnât there.
Clove found the sunlight wasnât as bad anymore. Maybe the sun shone a little less, maybe her eyes finally adjusted, or maybe she saw all that dark light that Victor Hugo mentioned, but whatever the reason, she tried hard to keep optimistic. She found the task exceedingly difficult, especially as the hourglass hovering on her night table soundlessly echoed how the prediction from St. Mungoâs was right: Clove wasnât there to see her final year at Hogwarts.
Letting out a slow breath, Clove fervently played with her fingers â looping and tugging at a thread that wasnât there. She wondered what sort of classes would she have had with Pepper this year, whether she had any spares with Nik and Aramis, what sort of outfits Tabatha had planned to force Clove to dress in, whether Kovu remember to sign up for Apparition classes without her being there, and whether Ender was made in charge of the Hogwarts Choir.
He deserved it. He deserved all the happiness he could, especially with how he spent several days over the past weeks visiting her and making her feel like nothing was truly wrong with her.
She didnât know exactly what was going on with her body and whether what they had done worked, but she saw the light. That had to have meant something. Perhaps all she needed was a bit more time? After all, her back wasnât nearly as stiff, her head didnât hurt nearly as much whenever she thought so much as a tiny thought, and the crippling weight that had been settled on her chest like a bag of wet cement had almost vanished. In fact she felt less and less confined each day to switch positions on her bed. By now, hundreds of students, all sorted and set-up at their house tables, were indulging themselves in the Welcome Feast and Clove couldnât help but ponder over how much sheâd give up just for a taste of herb roasted chicken, potatoes, roasted carrots, and burnt caramel cupcakes. But all she could do for now was wait, hope, and sleep the days away.
Clove tilted the back of her head into the pillows and closed her eyes until Victor Hugoâs light was gone and she dreamt up steam engines, rolling smoke, maroon drapes. Â
Ender wished the entire day could start over. That he could decide that he didnât need to check St. Mungoâs for records of his birth, of his life. He wished that he could still be blissfully unaware that Clove was dying, that she was leaving him, leaving everyone. He couldnât look at her, couldnât look up and see how pale she looked, how she looked almost like a shadow of herself. âThey canât do more?â he whispered brokenly. âI-I need them to do more.â
Hesitantly he reached out, brushing his hand on top of hers lightly. It was the first contact heâd initiated since heâd walked into the hospital room. âI canât just let you go, I canât just forget you. How do you even think it could be that easy?â He swallowed thickly. âI donât want more friends. I like the ones I have. I like you.âÂ
With a loud, slightly angry breath, he pushed himself up and strode out of the room. He was upset, he needed a minute away from her before he said something that would both regret. âSheâs gonna be fine,â he mumbled to himself. He stayed in the hall, just outside the room for several minutes before he was able to convince himself to go back in.Â
He wasn't coming back. Clove's hands shook. She didn't know why it hurt her so much, he did exactly what she asked him to - what he was supposed to do, yet for some reason her chest felt like it was about to cave in on itself. Her bottom lip trembled. Within seconds, the tears that welled in her eyes trickled over her lids and tumbled down her cheeks.
She pulled her knees to her chest just as abruptly as she lifted her hands over her face. She was all alone, so who was she hiding her tears from? It wasn't enough. She lowered her head against her knees and tucked in completely on herself. She shouldn't have been upset, she shouldn't have been weeping the way she was, but she was. Maybe it was because she spent the past many months holding everything in that now, she simply could no longer.Â
"No," Ender whispered brokenly as Cloveâs words registered. "No. I not, I wonât lose you. I refuse to let that happen." He shook his head in denial. She was his best friend. She was his so much more. He couldnât imagine not having her in his life somehow. Even when theyâd broken up and werenât talking, sheâd still been in his life. "Why canât they, arenât they doing something?" They were magical, there wasnât any reason in his mind that she couldnât be fixed, that she couldnât get better.Â
"That was, thatâs why you didnât write back right away, isnât it?" he asked as the realization dawned on him that a few weeks ago was when heâd first talked to his mom about looking for his birth parents. "You were sick, like really sick then and I was annoyed because I thought you were ignoring me. Thought youâd decided I really wasnât worth being friends with anymore." He kicked himself. His Clove had been going through something awful, something that had almost caused him to lose her and all he could do was think selfishly.Â
Clove kept her eyes low. Even without looking at him, his reaction was hard to take. "They've been doing all they can," she replied almost automatically, as though the words were repeated all too often from her tongue. "They did the last thing they could possibly do when I came in to St. Mungo's, but-..." Clove's words faltered again. "E-Ender," she whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. She moved her hand forward and softly rested her frail hand over the back of his.
"You have to go, okay? Just go - now. There are going to be more Cloves. They're going to be more friends and more...more people like me that are world's better. They won't be sick, they'll treat you better, and they'll be so much more worth your time and your love. That's why you need to go so you can forget about this one." She let her hand slip off of his and she drew it back over her stomach. "...It is what it is, and don't dwell on things that just can't be helped."Â
Hello Clover, I know we haven't spoken much since the whole...event, but I just thought I'd write to say hello. How is your summer going? Mine is going just fine, I suppose. It has been a little dull so far. Mum and Dad have been away, and the brothers are out doing their own thing. I was wondering if, maybe, you'd like to get together some time over the holiday? Maybe I can take you up on the shopping offer? Hope you and your loved ones are well. Sincerely, Tabatha Malene Yates
Hi, Tabatha.Â
My summer has been just fine, just really, really busy. But maybe. If some things change, then yes, I'd definitely like that.Â
Sincerely,
Clove
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