defsoul ; im jaebum

a life of bad habits ; a smoky, hazy life of hazy thoughts and hazy visions, a drugged life, a lonely life ; an utterly colorless illusion.

[alannasroleplaymemes-moved]

Tormentor Sentence Starters

[xfmdskye-blog]

alannasroleplaymemes:

“Tell me how it feels.” “I’m going to delight in your suffering.” “I will break you.” “I’m going to make you watch him/her/them die.” “You’re going to be the one to do it.” “No. Open your eyes. You need to watch.” “This will be the last image you see.” “You’re not allowed to die. Death would be kind.” “How does it feel to be betrayed by someone you love?” “This is what you get for having faith.” “Beg, and perhaps I shall grant you mercy.” “As if I’d allow you a moment’s rest!” “Scream for me.” “You are nothing.” “There will be nothing left of you.” “No one is coming to rescue you.” “You’ll never escape.”

[got7-updates]

[vaememes]

TWENTY ONE PILOTS MIX SENTENCE STARTERS.

“ All my friends are heathens, take it slow. ” “ Wait for them to ask you who you know. ” “ Please don’t make any sudden moves. ” “ You don’t know the half of the abuse. ” “ You’ll never know the psychopath sitting next to you. ” “ You’ll never know the murderer sitting next to you. ” “ You’ll think, “How’d I get here, sitting next to you?” “ ” But after all I’ve said, please don’t forget. “ ” We don’t deal with outsiders very well. “ ” They say newcomers have a certain smell. “ ” You have trust issues, not to mention, they say they can smell your intentions. “ ” You’ll never know the freakshow sitting next to you. “ ” You’ll have some weird people sitting next to you. “ ” Why’d you come? You knew you should have stayed. “ ” I tried to warn you just to stay away. “ ” I know it’s hard sometimes. “ ” Yeah, I think about the end just way too much. “ ” Oh, oh, I’m falling, so I’m taking my time on my ride. “ ” “I’d die for you,” that’s easy to say. “ ” We have a list of people that we would take. “ ” A bullet for them, a bullet for you. “ ” A bullet for everybody in this room. “ ” “I’d live for you,” and that’s hard to do. “ ” There were people back home who tried talking to you. “ ” I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard. “ ” I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words. “ ” I wish I found some chords in an order that is new. “ ” I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang. “ ” I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink. “ ” Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days. “ ” Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young. “ ” How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from. “ ” I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it. “ ” We used to play pretend, give each other different names. “ ” You don’t know what that means. “ ” Because a kitchen sink to you, is not a kitchen sink to me. “ ” Then write something, yeah it might be worthless. “ ” Then paint something then, it might be wordless. “ ” No one else is dealing with your demons. “ ” You’ll see purpose start to surface. “ ” Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend. “ ” Nobody thinks what you think, no one. “ ” I’m taking over my body. “ ” I must’ve forgot, you can’t trust me. “ ” I’m open a moment and close when you show it. “ ” You are surrounding all my surroundings. “ ” You know exactly where you’re going. “ ” You think twice about your life. “ ” I’m a goner, somebody catch my breath. ” “ I’ve got two faces, blurry’s the one I’m not. ” “ I need your help to take him/her out. ” “ I’m inside-out, you’re underneath. ” “ The ghost of you is close to me. ”

[clxjaebum-blog]

’ The police around here don’t seem to have the first clue. ’

“they really don’t,” jaebum frowned.

his lips pressed into a thin line.

they hadn’t known anything back then, hadn’t even legitimately tried to chase down the mobsters that had killed her, so why would they change now?

jaebum didn’t hate the police—no, he didn’t hate them—but he was still inevitably and unbelievably bitter. he remembered all the nights sitting outside of the office on a hard bench, head between his hands, elbows on his knees, as he waited and waited and waited for someone to tell him that the perpetrators had been caught. to tell him that jaebum, in some way, could avenge her death, her life that had dissolved into bubbles out of the blue. he remembered all the desperate, choked with grief screaming, screaming until his throat became hoarse and his voice was a mere whisper, screaming at them to do something, to fucking just do something. he remembered watching them all turn a blind eye because they had come up with zero results.

the protectors of citizens?

pft.

their efforts were almost laughable, and yes. im jaebum was bitter.

[clxjaebum-blog]

sweet things ; w/ lulu white

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxluluwhite:

Lulu watched with patient interest how the man reacted to him. Ah, so he was one of these types. How quaint. The guest seemed very flustered by his entrance, especially at the fact that Lulu had sat down with him. Perhaps he was a newcomer? They didn’t know that Mahogany Hall was about being entertained by the patrons? He sipped the tea before lowering it, elbows on the table, fingers entwined. At being told they could just talk, Lulu’s features brightened prettily. “That sounds delightful.”

Lulu hummed, looking down at his tea with a smile. “What’s your name? Unless you’d like me to keep calling you ‘darling,’” he mused, eyes twinkling. “Are you a regular here? I don’t believe I’ve seen you before. I always try to sit down and talk to faces I don’t recognise… and I don’t think I’d forget yours.” Lulu sipped from the teacup again, pinching his nose slightly. He put a couple more spoonfuls of sugar into his own cup before taking it to his mouth again. “What is your profession? Do you work nearby?”

jaebum definitely saw exactly why mahogany hall was always so bustling and filled to the brim with customers; its patrons got the work done, a little too well done. if one of its patron, and a male at that, managed to make jaebum feel uncomfortable—in a “you’re oddly attractive to me” way—then it had really fulfilled its part.

he didn’t think mahogany hall fit with him very well but he had to admit that it did serve some madly delicious tea. the warm liquid slid down his throat, leaving a relaxing feeling, and the delicate aroma settled his nerves.

though he felt foolish, he couldn’t help but flinch at the word ‘darling’. cheesy words like that made him shudder and he shook his head, answering quickly, “jaebum.” no surname, no full sentence, no quirky little introduction—just jaebum. his alias was only used when he was in the work mode. sometimes the best option was the simplest option, and he hoped that he hadn’t sounded rude. 

at the man’s question, jaebum shook his head again. he wasn’t a regular, mostly because the whole place seemed a little too luxurious, a little too aesthetically elegant and perfect for his taste; and jaebum was an imperfect type of person. dressed in distressed jeans, a plain gray long-sleeve t-shirt, and a black worn-out leather jacket, he felt terribly out of place, as if he had come in here thinking that it was some shop that sold old beer.

he watched the man put more sugar into his tea. so, jaebum thought to himself, the man liked his tea sweet too. following the man’s actions and drinking some more of his, he almost sputtered at the question, mostly because he hadn’t been expecting it.

“me? i’m, um,” he coughed, unable to answer the question. how could he say “i sell drugs” in the most nonchalant way possible?

“i’m unemployed,” jaebum settled with.

[clxboyoung-blog]

Harboured

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxboyoung:

Boyoung’s sobbing begins to quiet after some time, and she pulls back with small sniffles.

She rummages through her bag, and past her phone, the small paper bag, the pad and pencil, the essentials bag, and her wallet, she pulls out her tissues and wet napkins. After wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, and wiping her hands with the wet napkin, she smushes them into a small ball.

“Sorry,” she says yet again, looking down at her clasped hands over her knees and the crumpled bundle between them. “Sorry.”

She takes a deep breath. “Things are better than they used to be,” she tells the man even more softly than usual. “It was - especially - hard then. I’ve had more time to heal.”

She blinks and a thought strikes her. She turns back to her bag, looking this time for the small paper bag and holds it out to him when she finds it. “Chocolate?”

jaebum can’t help but see a little bit of himself in her and her sadness. it’s just a hunch that he gets, but he feels as if the familiarity resonates from the grief felt after a death of a loved one, whoever that may be for her. he sees himself in the way she hunches over when she cries, sees himself in the shake of her shoulders, in the tears that fall from her round, puppy-like eyes. a lump grows in his throat and he has to try his best to ignore it. 

he watches as she calms herself, and silently listens. he listens because he knows how good that feels, for someone to just listen and not ask questions, not pry. to listen means to be honest to that other person; it means not offering pointless and sometimes superficial pity. it means acknowledging that pain.

downing the rest of his beer, jaebum shakes his head a little belatedly in response to her apology. there’s no need for her to be sorry, especially considering that he had been the one to approach her first. honestly, it’s surprising that she isn’t creeped out.

he sure would have been.

a little muffled laugh leaves his lips when she, out of the blue, offers him some chocolate. it says a lot about her character, and from what he can see, she is the epitome of fluffiness; she resembles a cute puppy.

out of politeness, jaebum accepts the chocolate, pops it into his mouth, and lets the sweetness drown his sorrows as well.

“do you come to the harbor often?” he finds himself asking, reflecting back on the days when he had come here on the days when grief and guilt hit him particularly hard. at a time this late at night, it was the most tranquil part of the city, a place where he could let his feelings flow.

[rkhoshi-blog]

wrong number .jaebum.sana

[clxjaebum-blog]

sanaxcl:

just as the behavior of the stranger did. she wouldn’t have judged him if he would’ve just hang up and act like nothing happened but him interrupting her in order to say that she could talk to him until she’s home was something sana didn’t see coming. she blinked her eyes a few times while processing what he said. “really…?” her voice was small, she talked barely about a whisper as she was unsure about what to do, “i’m really sorry for waking you. but it’ll take quite some time until i’m home and i don’t want to bother you…”

of course the girl didn’t want to be completely on her own while being out but bothering her friend to keep her company was always a fight before she would call her. asking a stranger to do so was actually even worse and sana felt slightly uncomfortable with the thought of being the reason that guy was awake at this ungodly hour.

jaebum wasn’t exactly sure what this girl wanted from him.

he had never been a guy to be so good around girls, even if it was over a phone, but he was usually extremely quick-witted. unfortunately, this situation did not fit under the category of “i know what the fuck i’m doing”.

muffling a yawn, he brushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes as he replied, “it’s going to take some time for me to fall back asleep anyway.”

if sacrificing a little bit of sleep was going to give this girl some peace of mind, why not.

“i swear i’m not a creep,” he added quickly afterwards, lifting his phone to see it in front of him for a moment before putting it back next to his ear, “i’m just a sleepyhead who doesn’t want a girl to be intimidated on her walk home.”

okay, so that actually did sound kind of creepy because who the fuck does that, and he realized that she might actually be a little freaked out by how willing he was, but jaebum was just like that. when he didn’t see the harm in anything, and even if he wasn’t the type to usually do that “something”, even if it was a little to philanthropic for his taste, he was still the type of person to just go for it—mostly in hopes of making himself a better person than he considered himself to be.

“i’ll just listen.”

[clxjaebum-blog]

sweet things ; w/ lulu white

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxluluwhite:

“Hello, darling,” he almost crooned. He gracefully set the tea down. He looked at the man in the eye, his smile sweet. “I see you have a bit of a sweet tooth, so I am certain you will enjoy.” 

Where a waiter would bow and leave, Lulu slid into the chair opposite. He turned the tray around, to reveal that there are two teacups, not one, and Lulu was quick to pick up the teapot and pour his customer his tea. “This tea is as sweet as you, and heated to perfection. If you come here on a hot day, we also have an iced version of this.” When he settled the pot back down, Lulu smiled and pulled his sleeves up against his elbows. He took his tea cup, and delicately blew across the top of his tea before he looked up and smiled. “My name is Lulu white, I am your patron for today. Would you like to play a game of chess, or would you simply like to talk? Or, we can simply drink quietly if you are not up for talking.”

it wasn’t as if jaebum hadn’t heard about the other side of mahogany hall, but he had certainly never indulged himself with the other pleasures that it had to offer, mostly because he hadn’t found it necessary. he got lonely, that was for sure, and deprived of love, but being stuck in that time of melancholiness and that dull ache of grief didn’t mean that he wanted anything new. 

he wanted to find a light in his life. that didn’t necessary have to be love or release, whatever form that took.

so when he heard the word ‘patron’ slip out from the admittedly good-looking man’s lips, jaebum just blinked. he had come here a good amount of times, and while he had seen other customers be serviced by these patrons, he had not encountered a single one.

how the fuck was he supposed to react?

jaebum had to admit that this was an extremely uncomfortable position for him, and it didn’t help the fact that he was admiring the man’s features while knowing wholeheartedly that he was heterosexual. he was. right? 

god, he was just weirding himself out now.

“um,” jaebum started off. as if that was a compelling to way to start a conversation. awkwardly, he rubbed the back of his neck with the palm of his head, his front bangs falling into his eyes misshapenly as he pondered his choices. he was no good at chess and drinking quietly would make the situation even more awkwardly.

“we could just... talk?” it came out as more of a question, and jaebum wasn’t sure if coming here had been such a good idea after all.

fixating his gaze on the intricate details of the table, he took a small sip of his sugary tea.

[clxjaebum-blog]

[clxjaebum-blog]

white knight ; w/ naeun

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxnaeun:

Naeun grabbed her phone off of the bar, glancing down at the floor and carefully getting off of the stool. The tile was wet and sprinkled with shattered glass, and instinctively her hand shot out to grab Jaebum’s arm to steady herself. She should really just give up on wearing high heels, they were useless shoes.

She kicked some glass away from her, letting go of him as soon as she possibly could. “Next time, maybe–” She was about to tell him to mind his own business next time, but she didn’t want him to ignore it if some other girl’s drink was drugged. This was such a hard thing to explain or talk about.

“Continue to be diligent. I don’t need your help, though,” she finally said, eyebrows drawn together. “Got it, Mr. White Knight?”

jaebum was still feeling bewildered and honestly a little discouraged about her unexpected lashing out when she avoided nearly slipping by grabbing on his arm. instinctively, the muscles in his arm tightened and became taut, suddenly nervous. inwardly, going off on a strange train of thought, he blamed the high heels; this is why he preferred girls who wore sneakers and boots. then he went back to being slightly intimidated, slightly indignant, and a little more than slightly apprehensive of the whole situation.

awkwardly, he rubbed the back of his neck.

her words aimed toward him at the end—to continue being the way he was—didn’t help him get any less confused; in fact, it just made the whole situation more confusing. jaebum swore that his head was starting to hurt. maybe he should have just stayed put where he was instead of getting into this whole mess. then again, there still would have been that chance she would have gotten drugged anyway, despite what she told him.

not really knowing what to say, jaebum just blinked and gave her a slow nod.

should he tell her to be careful of the glass?

or the fact that the man had left and was hovering next to the entrance?

what if she snapped at him again? 

women could be so much scarier than men sometimes.

[clxboyoung-blog]

Harboured

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxboyoung:

It’s just all too much. Boyoung was fine the entire day, but something about the docks just made her break down. 

Kiyoung always loved the docks, especially at night, with the flowing water, the whistle of the breeze, and the faint luminosity of the moon. He would take her there, all bundled up in about a thousand and a half sweaters, and they’d watch the rippling of the waves as they skipped (or tried to skip) rocks off the water’s surface.

And now, on the anniversary of his death, after saying goodbye to the flower petals like she said goodbye to him during his funeral, she’s just overcome.

She hiccups on the guy’s chest, mumbling out a smothered, “sorry,” as she drenches it in tears. His pats on her back are gentle, and damnit, they feel just like her brother’s did when she brought him a 3.98 unweighted GPA or did something else that won his praise.

Then the guy brings his arms around her, and she sighs, in comfort, and then absolutely gut-wrenching heartbreak, before mumbling another apology.

“I’m so-” hic “sorry, I just-” hic “sorry.”

jaebum, for the entirety of the period after the death of his past loved one, had thought of himself to be part of a minority who led terrible, tragic lives—yes, he was a self-sympathiser—but seeing and feeling the girl cry within his arms, he realized that for some, their lives were just so much worse.

off the top of the bat, he would have assumed that this girl had a pretty satisfactory life; she looked collected and sophisticated just by her appearance, extremely well put together. but he knew now that something catastrophic must have happened to her too, just like something had happened to him, and he felt a familiar gut-wrenching, bitter emotion flood his insides.

the majority of his t-shirt was wet, but at that moment, jaebum didn’t really care.

her crying reminded him of the countless nights he too had spent crying. and not just crying, but bawling, his body shuddering with grief and memories that had slipped from his fingers as a consequence of that night. it was such a despised yet familiar feeling that jaebum couldn’t help but feel a little protective of her, of this complete stranger that he had met for the first time just—say, maybe—four or five minutes ago.

“there, there,” he said after a while, awkwardly. though jaebum felt extremely self-conscious about his actions, he let his hand soothingly rub her back in cautious stroking motions. 

“i can’t tell you that everything will be alright,” jaebum murmured, “but i can tell you that it’s alright to admit that everything isn’t alright.”

[rkhoshi-blog]

wrong number .jaebum.sana

[clxjaebum-blog]

sanaxcl:

“wait…. who are you?” she took a deep breath and tried to make her voice stay as strong as possible. she was actually a bit afraid, there was no way to deny that a stranger on the phone asking for how her day has been was kind of creepy, but she couldn’t let them know. she just didn’t want to appear more vulnerable than necessary. and facing facts she already gave off too much of herself.

jaebum figured that the nighttime air—he guessed she was outside, since he could hear the distant blaring of horns—had made her a little more awake and had snapped her out of her alcohol buzz when he heard her ask who he was.

about time, he thought, unconsciously breaking into a small smile, a smile that showed that he couldn’t believe it had taken this girl such a long time to realize that it was not her dear friend jihyo at the other side of the call.

“who are you?” jaebum reciprocated, stifling a yawn, his voice still low and soft and husky from all the sleepiness. “last time i checked, you’re the one who called me first.”

he blinked his eyes open to lazily check the time on his digital alarm clock. 3:16 am. god, it was way too early for this.

“look,” he started, feeling a little weird about the whole situation, “if all you need is someone to talk to on your way home, you can just ramble. i mean, you’ve already woken me up anyway.”

there was no going back to sleep now—once he had woken up, he found it hard to go back to sleep for at least thirty minutes to an hour—so jaebum might as well just let this girl have a peace of mind.

maybe he’d help himself to a cup of hot chocolate while he was at it.

[clxjaebum-blog]

white knight ; w/ naeun

[clxjaebum-blog]

clxnaeun:

She could have screamed when some random guy came out of no where, knocking the drink out of her hand– both startling her and effectively ruining everything. The creep insisted that he hadn’t done anything and basically stormed out of the bar, leaving her irritated and splashed with alcohol and perched on a stool surrounded by broken glass. 

“What the fuck?” Was all she could manage, facade cracking, so frustrated and angry that she was literally shaking. She was so annoyed, but also so shocked and confused. Who the hell was this guy, to have noticed her drink being spiked and to have actually acted on that? No one did that– certainly, no man did that. Something about the whole thing did not compute to her, and she didn’t know how to respond.

“Who the hell do you think you are? I could have handled that.”

jaebum hadn’t had a specific reaction from the girl in mind when he had, for a lack of words, prevented her from getting into a bad situation—for fuck’s sake, she was almost drugged—but this definitely was something else.

yes, he hadn’t been expecting anything, but a thank you might’ve been nice, even a curt one. a nod. a smile. anything but her getting mad at him for stepping in and intervening.

his brain buzzing with confusion, jaebum couldn’t help himself but put on a little frown. he had actually gone through the trouble of bursting his safe, cozy bubble just to have scathing remarks shot at him. was she being serious right now? 

he understood that he might have been overstepping his boundaries, but as the only spectator in the room of the incident, he had felt that it had been the right thing to do, especially since it had seemed as if she hadn’t noticed the stuff being slipped into her drink. obviously, jaebum’s little enlightenment of “what was right” was extremely wrong—in her point of view, anyway.

“you were about to consume drugs,” jaebum reminded her, as if she hadn’t heard him say it the first time, still bewildered by her angry backlash. “and i considered myself as someone who could stop that. i don’t think i’ve done anything wrong, especially towards you.”

[clxjaebum-blog]

’ I heard a strange noise. ’

jaebum’s silent for a moment, wondering if he should answer truthfully or not. it’s not every day he exposes his guilty pleasure to other people, people other than his small ring of admittedly close friends, and frankly, he’s a little worried for his reputation and image. his guilty pleasure, well, it’s not the most manly, most charismatic thing in the world.

but then again, he thinks, to cover up the sound that had just been heard to come out from under his bed, he would have to think of something much more ridiculous than the truth. that would be even more awful.

“that’s, um,” jaebum starts, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, his bangs falling into his eyes, “probably oreo.”

he can see the question marks forming in her eyes and he lets out a sigh before bending down to retrieve the shoebox from under his bed. in it lies a small white and black kitten, barely a few months old, snuggled up in an old blanket, surrounded in balls of cotton. 

“he’s a stray,” jaebum says, scratching the kitten behind his ears. “i, um, like to take care of stray cats?” 

it’s more of a question than an answer, as if trying to solidify the fact to himself, but it’s an answer nonetheless and jaebum can feel the tips of his ears getting pink.

[demfluffycheeks]

(≧▽≦) ♡ (≧▽≦)

[clxyoungjae-blog]

@clxjaebum

[clxjaebum-blog]

....

[clxjaebum-blog]

white knight ; w/ naeun

jaebum prefers to think that he’s a good type of person—aside from the fact that he had, quite literally, gotten his lover killed, or so he told himself—the type of person who picks up litter from the street, who surrenders his new lollipop to a crying child, who feeds stray cats, who helps a grandma carry her groceries across the street. or at least, he’s trying to be that good type of person: in hopes that maybe it’ll become his reality.

so when he’s sitting there in his seat in the corner of the bar at a single table, alone, and taking a swig out of his beer, and he sees a man shake a white powder into some slender girl’s drink, jaebum thinks to himself that he should do something about it. no one seems to have noticed except for him, so he should do something about it.

he watches the white dust dissolve into the golden drink, dissolve and disappear without a trace. an ugly grin spreads across the man’s face, and something tightens in his gut. god, jaebum hates conflict and violence and anything related to both, but he knows that he can’t just sit back and watch like a person at a theater. 

his eyes are still focused on the man as jaebum shrugs off his black jacket to uncover a navy button-up. the man urges the young woman, albeit a pretty young woman, to drink, and before he knows it, jaebum’s firm grip is solidly around the man’s wrist and his other hand is knocking the glass cup to the floor. it shatters, but he doesn’t even bat an eye.

“drugging her is a little too cowardly for someone your size, don’t you think?”

「 @clxnaeun 」

[clxjaebum-blog]