I was just thinking about a Hometown Showdown-inspired ESPN show, and of course the first episode had to star Hollander vs. Rozanov! So basically some producer had this brilliant idea of "What if we did a hometown tourism episode but made it a competition?"
The concept is simple: two athletes, two hometowns, one winner. they have to prove their city is the best by showing each other around like tourists: food, landmarks, "hidden gems", personal favorites, all of it.
The whole thing is supposed to be a lighthearted little show. Each competition consists of two 20-minute segments, each showcasing a city.
The only problem is, it is not fucking lighthearted for Shane and Ilya. It's a complex emotional monster, especially eating away at Ilya.
It all starts pretty simple, though. They shoot Ottawa first.
Shane shows up with a full plan. Like a plan plan: itinerary, backup options, little facts, places that mean something, local "delicacies", the whole thing. He is taking this so very seriously for a city that is objectively as boring as Hollander himself.
Ilya is terribly charmed. He hates it. His plan had been to be completely underwhelmed and unimpressed and to tease Hollander the whole time. Which he does. For every single sincere and lovely moment Hollander has with his hometown, hoping to get the viewers on his side, Ilya has some sarcastic commentary ready.
But it's hard, so much harder than Ilya anticipated being his usual asshole self when he is basically on a date with Shane Hollander in the world's most boring city. (which they are not. obviously. there is a full camera crew following them around)
but this is only the act of setting fire to the Molotov cocktail living in his chest. it hasn't even exploded yet.
Then they fly to film in Moscow.
and it goes from a bad idea to a truly disastrous one. because this isn't just Ilya "showing off his city".
Ilya is not just a hockey player. He is a high-profile russian athlete, and everything that goes on TV will have to be approved by people who he does not want looking at Hollander. Ever. He especially does not want them to see what is essentially him taking Shane Hollander on something that looks a lot like a date. WHILE they are, in fact, secretly fucking!!!!
So now every fucking choice matters.
Does he take Hollander to the bakery he loves? The club where he used to get drunk every weekend as a teenager? Show him in which bushes he vomited in on the way home and the underpasses he had to run through with Sveta to hide from the police? Could he show Canada's most obsessed hockey brain the rink he learned to play hockey at? when hockey was only for fun. Could he show Hollander any of the places that are actually his? Places that mean something?
or does he have to play it safe and make it impersonal and boring and so completely unlike himself. He would still win, is the thing. Ilya is more charming than Hollander and he can sell himself and the city he grew up in easily. But it wouldn't be his Moscow. It would be Russia's Moscow.
Worst of all would be that Shane fucking Hollander would still look at everything Ilya shows him like it matters. Would find something of Ilya's soul in every single street corner, no matter how insignificant, in this godforsaken city that Ilya both loved and hated in equal measure.
and the whole time a camera crew documents all of it like it's a funny little tourism show
