to the boy with green eyes,
i ought to admit– after all these years that have passed us by, you’re still on my mind from time to time, but i must have thought about you more times today than i have all year. i’m just grateful that it doesn’t hurt anymore: hearing your name, saying your name, seeing your car parked outside your house, listening to songs that remind me of you, or even going to places where we once stood together. it just doesn’t hurt anymore and i can’t tell you exactly when that pain subsided.
i guess you could say i’m writing you this letter because i’ve been reminiscing about you a lot today. and even though i know you won’t read my letters, receive my texts or answer my phone calls, i thought i’d do this for myself more than for you. this is the only way i’ll sleep tonight. this is the only way i can be at peace. because you know me… i always have a lot to say when it comes to you and oh, how i wish for so many things right now.
how i wish i could talk to you again even though it hurts when i do and hurts that i can’t, especially today, and i’m still trying to figure out which one hurts more. and although i know it’s best that we don’t, i want to be selfish, i want to break all the rules, and i want to make all the wrong choices if it means i get to hear your voice again and not a machine this time.
how i wish i could hold you in my arms again and tell you that i forgive you for everything you put me through– for leaving without saying goodbye, for abandoning me with no explanation, for pretending i don’t exist, and for ignoring my texts for three years. i’ll put it all aside if it means i get to hold you again and not get a handshake this time.
i could go on and on about all the things i yearn and desire– to look into your eyes, to hear you say my name, to be in the same room as you, to lie next to you, to tussle your hair, to see you smile, to be the little spoon, to hear you say “i hate you,” to feel your racing heart, to listen to your heavy breathing, to be the big spoon, to hold your hand, to admire your body, to pick your brain, to kiss your lips… to realize that i’ll never get to do any of this again.
i just wish things could go back to how they used to be, before our worlds collided. before you went back to her. if i could go back in time and change one thing– it’d be to never confess my love to you. i should’ve never promised you that i’d wait for you. i should’ve never told you that i’d be there for you when you needed me the most– a shoulder to cry on or a chest to lay on. i should’ve never poured my heart out to you. maybe our paths wouldn’t be so parallel if i hadn’t. maybe you would’ve kept me in your life as a friend than pretend i’m dead. or maybe seeing you with her would’ve stabbed me in the heart each time she made you laugh or smile the way i made you laugh or smile.
but just the thought of that makes me want to believe that you did this for me. that you left the way you did, for me. you ghosted me because you knew it would be easier this way. of course, you could’ve still said goodbye– given me an explanation, but what’s done is done and there’s nothing i can change about that. but you did this for me, didn’t you. for us? because you loved me too and you couldn’t bear watching me go through such pain. is that it?
if i’ve learned anything in the past four years since you left, it’s that things happen for a reason. i had a lesson to learn here and i needed to open myself up to more opportunities. i found you when she left you. you were drowning. i tried saving you– i wanted to save you, but all you were doing was making me drown with you. and i didn’t need that in my life, no matter how in love i thought i was with you.
i wanted to give you everything. i wanted to make all your wishes come true. i wanted to support you and give you all my love, but you threw it away like you throw your dirty magazines.
i offered you my heart, but you refused it. and all this time, i thought i had lost it when i lost you… but what happens when you hand over someone a gift they refuse to take?
it’s simply still in your hands…
don’t get me wrong– i don’t regret anything. i don’t blame you for anything. i was hurt, yes, but i’ve healed much more than you know. and i don’t actually wish that i never told you how i felt about you. i’m glad i did because i still mean it to this day. i will always be here for you, no matter what. even though i’ve let go of your hand a long time ago, doesn’t mean i don’t love you anymore.
i do. i will. i always have…
it’s getting late now, but before i go, i have to admit something else: i lied earlier when i said it doesn’t hurt anymore. this entire time– writing this letter to you, i’ve felt this emptiness, this hole in my chest, a void in my heart, and a shortness of breath. something that i haven’t felt in three hundred and sixty-five days.
it must be this fucking day…
stormborns
yousharknotpass
areudirty
gamechangershow
discoholicmusic
gracieabrams
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
andulkaphoto
