I have no clue where to start (clearly a sign of my failure to journal, as I’ve made countless half-measured intentions to do throughout the years). Better late and overwhelmed than never, no? Basically, I’m tipsy & way overdue for a vent session, so I’m just gonna write a bunch of unedited shit that is hard to digest cause my brain and communication style are fucking messes. Get out while you can? Idk here’s some feelings (& a whole lotta words I’m sure) 🤷♀️
I’m just sort of astounded with the measures my self-destructive nature will take to ensure its purpose. That’s my fault for being shocked, I suppose. But is it, considering I’ve done what I feel like is my honest best to set in motion the most cautiously prepared mindsets & helpful tools to deal with whatever the hell my brain tends to default to battle with? Rhetorical question, I guess. I’ve struggled with this introspective blame game stuck between “is it this trash world or is it just me & my circumstances?” After plenty deliberation & then some, I always end up with some combination of both answers. My clumsily agnostic mindset is more debilitating than I’d like in considerations like these, but has its upsides somewhere, I’m sure. It’s good for working through things, but not for the final nail in my little thought coffins.
Regardless, I genuinely feel I have tried more than plenty hard to just function minimally on the macro scale and fulfill the basic desires that I’ve identified as personally fulfilling on the micro (finding & mutually supporting loved ones). Somehow it hasn’t been enough, but that’s definitely not to imply that I’m done trying.
I’ve said this shit for years, about how “as my general mental health gets better, my mental lows are lower.” Somehow, despite my self awareness, I’ve always complacently moved on, feeling like ~~I’ll be okay this time~~. Aaaaand now I find myself having been an inanimate trashcan for the past year and I’m not sure if I’ve even blinked yet.
All this to say—what the fuck? I’m not sure what to do. I left Asheville for a break and to “gEt sOmE pErSpEcTiVe.” Of COURSE I knew it was a shit decision for me, but there’s that ever-prevailing self-destructive nature I was talking about. I’m CONSTANTLY weighing how much I “actually” matter to folx vs. how they show//have shown me they care, knowing that’s pointless and inevitably toxic. And even if I happen to feel like someone really seems to care, I don’t feel like I deserve it, despite KNOWING full well that I do.
I’m not even sure what I’m doing. Like I said, there are some indigestible words from a backed-up & hardly coherent brain >.< I just wish I hadn’t succumbed to my self-destructive nature that constantly craves dissolving into nothing. I should be in Asheville among the amazing people I’ve met, immersed in the sweet life I’d built, cozied up to the countless could-be securities rather than facechecking my lifelong insecurities one last time...and slowly, at that. At least I can still make it back. Sooner rather than later 🤞
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
gracieabrams
vaporwave
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
