Okay, here’s the thing, and I think y’all missed it:
Let me use myself as an example.
I have herpes simplex 2. That’s the one that gives you cold sores, and up to 80% of the global population has it. But, even though it’s not genital herpes, if you go down on somebody during an outbreak, they can get herpes 2 in their junk. And it’s nasty. The usual problem is “just” a cold sore, but during severe outbreaks–which can occur if, for example, you’re on antibiotics during an outbreak–you can develop sores on your lips, inside of your mouth, even in your throat. They break, they bleed, they ooze, it sucks. During my last major outbreak (so far my only major outbreak, thankfully) I ate nothing but lukewarm soup for a week.
So now let’s say I have a new partner, and I’m in what I think might be the starting stages of an outbreak. Because I am an honest person, and feel they have the right to informed consent, I’m going to ask if they get cold sores (if the answer is yes, they’re fine, because you can’t get herpes twice). If the answer is no, I’m going to tell them I have herpes 2, explain what that is, and suggest we cool it with the kissing and/or sexytimes until I’m not virus-shedding. And nobody has given me shit for this, ever. I’ve had a couple of people thank me for my honesty. That’s it.
But now let’s say I’m a total shitstain. I know I’m in an outbreak. And I do not tell my partner, and I go down on her. I have decided, for her, that for the rest of her life she should deal with occasional bouts of weeping sores, raw skin, and thick mucous crusts on/in/around her genitals and possibly on and in her mouth.
I’ve given her a lifelong disease. She had no chance to consent or even say “I am willing to take this risk.” Isn’t that basically a form of rape?
So if you ask someone for an STD test and they refuse, they are hiding something and you should run. If you ask for an STD test and they say okay, or just straight-up say “I can get tested to check my viral load but you should know I have HIV,” that person is a keeper. They will be honest with you about their health and yours. They probably have information on how to reduce your transmission risk even further, and will inform you and use that information. (Which doesn’t take the onus off you to do your own research, by the way, it just means you have a starting point.) And as noted above, if their viral load is undetectable, they can’t transmit! I wouldn’t start having regular condomless sex without guidance from a sexual health expert, but you really have very little to fear.
Don’t be afraid of the STD, or the honest person who has it. Be afraid of the person who refuses to disclose.
