Annual end of year wrap up.
I left 2017 on a reflective high - promising that i would see in 2018 by taking time to just sit back and enjoy all that I have worked hard for and achieved. Something i was not used to doing but hey, I decided I was going to give it a good go. For anyone that reads my blog or has done so in the past, will know this was not going to be easy. My baby brother passed away at age 30 from Leukaemia. He was born with autism and down syndrome, as you can imagine his life was a challenging one, more challenging than yours and mine put together.
He wasn't just the baby in our family by rank, he was literally everyones little baby. As one of my best friends described, it’s like losing a child not just for your dad but also for all of you. Because of his disabilities he was our very own baby and we all looked after him at different stages throughout his life. It’s hard to explain, but the usual sibling relationship you experience growing up wasn't the norm for us and for him. He was non verbal and was unable to reap the basics we as humans take for granted.
Anyone that has a family member with a disability will understand what I mean as I write this. It’s not your conventional family scenario. We all felt our fathers pain. As nature deems the youngest technically should go last but who would have looked after him if we were all gone? Who would have made sure he gets the care he deserves if we were not here fighting for it? It’s not that easy.
I spent most of this year suppressing how i felt, because when you experience death in your immediate family the second time round you have not got time for peoples bullshit comments about loss. The generic words of loss and worst of all, not saying anything at all. Highlight of all comments I have heard this year, “Sending family members to a care home in my country means you abandoned them.” Fuck off cunt, luckily for you this isn't your country albeit you hold a British passport.
Anyone that thinks this, please keep your small minded comments inside your tiny ignorant brain. Do you really think any person wants to abandon their family members to a care home? it’s really simple, do not comment on what you do not know and have never experienced.
I and so many others are so grateful for decent care homes and hospices across the UK, they help support those in old age, illness and disabilities, without them so many families would not be able to cope or have any kind of normality in their lives, this country would not survive without that level of access and support.
My year end reflection includes the sheer lack of acknowledgement from people you think you can trust. One thing I was taught growing up, don’t invite anyone you do not trust into your home, that includes jealous people, people that lack the ability to be happy for others.
I followed through on this, so many disappointing humans this year. If you saw any of my gratefulness challenge over on IG, you would have seen on the final day of my challenge, I was grateful for sadness and disappointment. Why? Because it highlights to me what is important and what matters to me most, what I value.
An old friend once long ago said to me, ‘Callsuma you can’t judge other people by your own standards.’ I didn’t agree with it at the time and argued. Now i know what he meant. People will think whatever the fuck they want. Sure, i will let it go, after I have talked about it. The truth is, people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. So I learned, you do have to let it go.
The anger, grief and pain all rolled into one is real.
I spent most of 2018 hiding behind positivity, and reflection, luckily for me I have very intervention type friends, i took on the 30 day gratefulness challenge, I exercised and I took up hot yoga. Weirdly, all these things helped keep me sane, distracted and I felt like i found something I didn’t find when I grieved for my mother.
2018 also bought me closer to home, a new job! Doing something i have extensive knowledge in, social housing. So far feels like a good project to be involved in. I also stumbled across something else, something I am very excited about, something that my experiences have lead me to find but that’s for 2019 so watch this space 😉.
Other than death, grief, exercise and leaving a job that served it’s purpose in helping me settle back into London life. It was time to move on. Take a more conscious effort in looking after my health.
it’s been an very eventful year. i have spent time reflecting, I find it helps see things more clearly and remove the negative energy. I have also spent some time swearing, I bet you couldn’t tell 😉 by far the above are the things that consumed most of my thoughts and feelings.
What should have been is a 2018 that involved me taking a little back seat but instead god decided to test out my coping mechanisms again. I love the image of a coper, sounds a bit narcissistic but it’s all just an act isnt it? I like it, because i’m really damn good at it. I cope.
Oh and this is by no means me putting a stop to my extensive use of the words CUNT and FUCK OFF. I’ll be taking them to 2019 with me.
I hope to go into 2019 with the same resilience and strength, if not more and I wish the same for you too.
