[Re]Discovered

I'm living my life because I am alive; I choose to live my life crawling, walking, learning to follow in Your tread. I try my hardest to better myself and hope that along the way I'll find others willing to do the same.

[colorprint-blog]

I Shouldn't Love You This Much

You always asked me what this meant. My reply was simple enough: I shouldn't care for you like I do, not this much, not this strong.

Only but a couple months shy of two years. I can't believe you did this to me. I can't believe you completely and utterly broke and shattered my heart. You took it without question, no hesitation; like a thief, a kleptomaniac, there was. no. control.

I didn't know it was possible to feel like this, to care this much; I love you more than I think I can even fathom. Never been so broken and confused, so hurt and emotionally abused.

You don't love me anymore, maybe you never did.

I can't believe this. OR. More appropriately, I don't want to, I simply can't.

I don't know who I hate more: me or you.

I want so badly to hate you. I can't. I hate me for not hating you.

Why was I so foolish to fall in love? Moreover, why am I sooo foolish to be willing to wait - I'd start all over for you.

I've never wanted this much pain to go be gone so badly.

Remind me; why did I want this? Why did I let myself feel this?

Now, I want to feel. Nothing.

[minecraft-sex-videos]

Macklemore

[colorprint-blog]

has song about feminism

has song about gay rights

has song about consumerism

has songs about drug abuse and alcoholism

has song about white privilege

in all of them, he speaks realistically about subject and includes his personal experience

fucking song about thrift shopping gets popular

Thank. You. I hate everyone for liking Macklemore. I loved him years ago.

[makestories]

[dndnsjsisjasb-deactivated201404]

this moment is the exact definition of perfection; i don’t know anything more intense and beautiful than two people, madly wanting each other but still restraining themselves because the tension is too flawless to be broken.

♡ ♡ ♡

[colorprint-blog]

Pretty Sure.

One day, I'm just going to be a not so lonely old lady with a lot of cats, my walker and a lot of cool old woman walker dances.

Not sure I'm so good at this; I've always done so well independently.

I'm so good at old person dancing though. You.Don't.Even.Know.!

[colorprint-blog]

uhuuhuuhhuh (Lorraine Noise)

hahaha yessss.

[colorprint-blog]

It's A Strange Thing.

When you realize that someone wants the same thing(s) as you. But maybe, we simply can't recognize it.

I know what I want in this life. I just don't know where I will find it; where I will get it from, or who I will be with. Sometimes, I wish I could just see where my life is supposed to be will go. But then again, that would take out the wonder and curiosity. However, I'm not all that positive I like wonder and curiosity; sometimes, I just want to be told.

[9gag]

[colorprint-blog]

Funniest/Best thing I've ever seen in my life. :)

[visualcocaine]

[colorprint-blog]

Gimme, gimmeee gimeeeeee! Please. :)

[colorprint-blog]

People Are.

Fucking crazy as shittt.

I can't believe how hypocritical people are. How much they are capable of contradicting themselves within a five minute time frame. How ignorantly dumb they are. And mostly just how over all incompetent people are at understanding another person's point of view. People are idiots and assholes. You want your cake and you want to eat it too, not to mention at the expense of someone else. If you're potentially putting someone, whom you "love" in an uncomfortable position, not to mention by you acting like an idiot, and not caring or wanting to change that, then that kind of makes you a jackass. Jussayin.

[colorprint-blog]

What I Want To Be When.

I Grow Up. A lot of the people I know, some of whom I've grown up with, have kids or are engaged and some are even married. I'm nineteen and most of my friends are within 3 years of that. That seems so young to me for all of that to be taking place, mostly because I couldn't imagine it for myself. It's strange, however, that a few years back I had pictured myself as wanting to be married and having children at least by the time I was 24. Now, I'm not even sure I can picture myself being in a relationship during that time. But then again, I have no idea how my future is going to pan out. Everything seems to have happened so quickly in life and somehow I am far behind. Oh Lordy, I have some figuring out to do, largely relying on you for help. There are some things I'm sure on, however: I want to make my life about helping others. I want to adopt at least one child. I want to see the things in this world that will make me cry; good and bad. I want to do His work. I need to do His work. I want to finish school. I want to be married. I want to be an example. I plan on moving to California for at least one year within the next three years. I guess I need to map this out, this thing called life.

[colorprint-blog]

Yet Somehow.

Just when I think I'd forgotten those emotions and feelings, they come flooding back stronger than I ever knew I'd be able to feel.

I don't know what to do anymore. You try to make the simple decision easy, but it never is. It's simple because we know it's what we need want, yet the most difficult thing we could ever think it to be.

Life is weird and uncomfortable at times; it's changing and saddening, as well. It's happiness and error; forgiveness and love.

I don't know if there could be a bigger pat on the back right now. It's almost as if I'm being shoved in the direction I need and so very much want my life directed in. My brothers old best friend died about a week and a half ago. Then, his mom had a heart attack. Someone else I know, her father died. Then my cousin went to the hospital and died a week ago. My brother went into the E.R. last night. My cousin's funeral is tomorrow. I thought to myself, no one knows what's going on in my life, just as I am unaware of their lives. People should be kind, yet we are so often the complete opposite of that. I want this and I want that. I need You. I want you. I want a life that's so much more than I can be.

[colorprint-blog]

I Went Through.

Some old writings of mine and came across something I kind of enjoyed. So, I thought I'd post it. Not sure why, I just liked it. 'Cause I'm sitting here Waiting for the day when I will have the courage to say - When I felt like walking away And I'm well aware Everything you say to me Isn't always what it appears to be - Because trusting this Can't you see; Is something all too new for me As I sit here, trying to write something inspirational, something worth your time - I'm thinking of all the things I'm surrounded by So confusing, yet all so new - So familiar, yet it's nothing true Nothing is inspiring me - Not even you Maybe because for so long I tried to convince myself of something Not like you You confuse me so - Like nothing before You make me question so much - What is actually going on? Please, just give me something more [Re]Discovered colorprint.tumblr.com

[colorprint-blog]

I Wish, Sometimes.

That I had something to say. Something important, anyway. You want your life to go one way and it usually never does; You hope your life goes one way and it usually never does; You plan your life to go one way and it usually never does; You live life and it happens the way it will, regardless. We make decisions that change our hopes, plans and wants. We live life because of the things we thought would lead us to those things.

I always thought I wanted something someone. Maybe I still do. It is possible I don't know anything that I want. I believe that I truly think I know what I need, but how can I be sure? I've always thought I wanted something someone but whenever I get it, I don't want it anymore. Is it that what I say I want is a genuine desire of mine, but could it have been incorrect the entire time?

I truly don't think my mind is fully aware and conscious of what I want, as a whole.

Nineteen. You think I'd be fully aware of what I want. But, I'm not. Not even close. Maybe I simply have to wait for what I want to show up. Then I will know. It's not easy when nothing in life ever gives you signs or hints or possibly even a giant billboard? Ha Ha. Right. I don't even know what to rant about because I never really know what is going on inside of my head.

[colorprint-blog]

And At Some Point.

We realize that our life is worth nothing, yet somehow, it is worth everything.

Today, I realized that my life is worth nothing. If I continue living for myself alone, then of course, it is nothing. Today, I realized that my life is worth everything. We take what we know and the things we are good at along with the knowledge and love of God, and it is worth everything. I can help in so many ways; the simplest down to picking up someones change as they drop it on the floor and returning it to them, showing nice gestures, to donating any spare change I may have. I can help by moving away and devoting my time and energy into someone so much less fortunate in almost every facet of their life than that of my own. I can research ways to help those people by staying where I am. I can work strenuously for the love of the Lord and that of which he abundantly shares with us all. Going to church today opened my eyes, yet once more, to the things I need to be doing. I held myself tightly from the inside, keeping from breaking into tears as a girl, not much older than myself, went up to speak about how her and two others went to Africa, only planning to stay for a little while, and ended up starting an organization that helps these children, men and women with the simplest necessities they have been neglected throughout their lives. They ended up staying there, not returning to school the following semester because they were determined to help these people.

I take for granted everything. Every day. I take for granted the most basic "needs" of life: a place to use the bathroom, clean water, food, shelter, etc. My family has issues. So many it would take days to write of, even to briefly skim these things. I, myself have so many issues.. it would take longer to write about. We fight and we scream. I may overreact. Only out of care. Take it from my side for once. I can't believe how angry I got, and still am. I can't believe I almost hit my own mother. If not for my brother, I don't know what would have happened. I nearly broke the screen door, amongst other things.

I can't say I regret this.... because as of now, I don't; and maybe never will. I regret ever having these feelings to begin with. Why can I not care less?

I need to care for the people of this world who are incapable of caring for themselves. Merry Christmas. So often people forget the meaning of this day. Whether you are "religious" or not, only go to church twice a year for Christmas and Easter, or you go every day, or have never set foot inside of a church in your life, this day is not about giving presents. It should be about helping those and caring for those who are so very unfortunate. It's about being selfless and caring. We are to be examples for others, and to strive to follow in the steps of our Lord and Saviour, so why is it that we are so obsessed with finding the fanciest gift for our ___ (insert "important" person in your life here)? No presents this year. Be thankful you even have a bed to sleep in.

Dear Lord, I pray that you help us, so that we may in return be of help to others.

[colorprint-blog]

As It Continues.

We learn more and more. About each other. About oneself. The things we have to do because we are forced to do? The things we have to do because we need to do. The things we choose to do, because we should do, to help the ones closest to us. Selfishly living can't work when everyone else is selfless. I learn more each and every day about my surroundings and the people in them. Some - are simply. Reconfirmed. Goodbye, old life. Hello, new. Hello new people and hello new me.

[colorprint-blog]

It's Been A Month.

I haven't looked at this thing. I truly did (and still kind of do) want to delete it, but couldn't figure out how to properly back up all of my writings, and to me, those are some of the most important things I own. I make big(ger) deals out of things that truly don't need to be made anything of at all; I'm human, what can you do? I have so much to say, in hopes that I will prove something. I want to say all of these things, in hopes that someone will read it. I want to impact someone. I need to impact myself. I've given up on giving up on this. Who cares if people may or may not read it and that most of what is on here is crap, unlike what, I feel, it used to be. I just realized these last four things have started with "I" and it's weird. Today something happened that helped me think about things and put them into perspective. I only met you once, but the taking of your own life has made me think about my own. If your life is so bad that you truly have nothing left to live for [literally] I can't even imagine how terrible you must've been feeling. I've felt terrible in this life; pain, anger, sorrow, grief, regret, etc... (most of which, in some sense, can tie together to be one in the same) but never have I felt badly enough to even contemplate such a thing. I live my life wanting to please.... Unfortunately, oftentimes, it turns out that I end up wanting to please the wrong people. I want to please you... for your attention. I try and make you laugh, not because I'm trying to necessarily brighten your day, rather, because I want you to take notice to me. I try and please other people because it seems that in this life, regardless of what happens, I end up last. And I question frequently why this is. Why, no matter what, do I get left behind? Maybe, at the end of the day, it's because I'm not trying to please the right person. God. I need to set my sights on something bigger than myself. I need to try and help the people that cannot help themselves. Selfishly, I've found through volunteering, that it is quite beneficial to me. I enjoy helping others because it pleases the want I have to feel good about myself. Is that wrong? I'm not sure.

After having seen that someone whom I've only met once took their life, it's helped me to realize that I need to help others. Now. A person never does know for sure what is going on behind the closed doors of another. You can smile and laugh, but through those emotions, what thoughts are subconsciously being emitted as cries for help? So over dramatic? I'm not sure. Not to me. People spend their lives filling their time with pointless things that lead to no real, true happiness. You see, he was drinking when he took his life... whether it be because he needed something to "dull the pain" or he needed something to help him take that plunge, or, is it possible that any negative emotion(s) was brought out through the stupidity of alcohol? To me, it's but one more testament as to why I don't touch alcohol. Nothing good comes of it. Call me what you want. I need it for nothing. I have a good time completely sober of everything. I need nothing to relax me. I do, however, need to wake up every day with the intention to please the good and kind things of this world. No one deserves to feel the way that so many people do. We spend our time focused on all of the wrong things because they are easier and so much more fun to consume our time with. But good things, they never come easy. Even though I am nineteen years old, never had a boyfriend, never been in a relationship, I need not to consume my time thinking about wanting those things. Even though it's by choice. I think of how nice it would be to have that really good relationship, but I feel, I know, I won't get it, not now - so why waste my time? I need not to be in pursuit of someone something just because I feel like I should have it. Good things come in there own time. I don't need someone or something who will not understand what I am about. I've been told my entire life I'm "mature for my age" but maybe I'm just a little too... stubborn? Maybe I need to live a little. Maybe I should do a lot of things. As for now, I think I'll maybe just concern my time on the things I should and need to do.

[colorprint-blog]

Seriously. The Internet.

Will either be the death of me, or my saving grace.

And while that sounds so dramatic and over the top, and I shouldn't allow such a thing to help dictate those thoughts, I can't help it.

One day I'm simply strolling along being normal and sinful and perfectly content in my weighed down life because of the things I allow to, in a sense, control my thought process, therefore allowing it to change the way I behave to some extent.

Then, I see someone, or persons that make me think "I want to be like them" or "I wish I looked like her" because let's be honest, are we all perfectly happy with everything about ourselves and our lives? I'm not. I wish I looked different, acted differently, or even sometimes I wish my life was a little different, a little better.

This is not what I should be focusing on. Because 1) those people probably have a lot of crap happening in their lives, and things they don't like about themselves and 2) there are so many people in this world with way more important issues and problems facing their day to day lives then I ever have and/or ever will.

I don't know why I'm like this, I guess it's simply because I'm human. However, I want to be better than that.

It's the same thing most of the time, and the same people and same struggles that hold me back. Why is this so difficult? Why do I have to be so human? Why can't I set my silly emotions aside and just strive for good and the well being of others, rather than solely for myself?

I won't say I'm religious, because I'm not. I don't go to church every Sunday. I don't ever read the Bible. I oftentimes forget to pray. I say and do inappropriate things frequently. I surround myself with people less than morally wealthy. I listen to secular music and watch television and movies that relate nothing to God    or even good things. I complain about everything and anything. I judge people. Positively and negatively. Unjustly. Sometimes, I allow my anger to get the best of me. I'm not religious. I'm faithful, caring, loving, and thankful. I'm a sinner saved by grace, and that alone. His love has pulled me from the places I can't imagine traveling alone, the places where even my closest allies won't dare go near. And the sickest and most saddening part of it all? I take everything for granted. All the time. Everyday. I forget to talk to You because I'm talking to someone I like or find visually appealing. Seriously. It's pretty messed up.

I'm a terrible human being and I'll readily admit it at any time, to anyone. I'm trying my best to be a better human being. Really, I am.

I'm not perfect and my faults far outweigh any good I will ever know; but it's okay, because through me, I know You can make it all right. And here I am once more, knowing full well what a filthy, self centered, sinner I am, coming to You because I know that even at my best, it will still pale in comparison to anything You are.

These things with which I've become sinful and unaware are also the things that help me realize my faults. Maybe I need these things and people. I guess I do. I need them to help me realize all I am, and all I can do to help others and be better. There's always something positive to be taken away.

Life is a learning experience and I've stumbled more than I've ran, but I won't give up because I've yet to be given up on.