I graduated high school spring of 2009.
So, I was not expecting them to call me summer of 2010.
A woman asked for me, then introduced herself over the phone as a counselor from my old high school. Because I had graduated over a year ago, I was very much prepared to inform her that she was calling me in error. There was no reason she should be calling me, and whatever she still wanted from me was some sort of a mistake.
And I was right.
Because she was calling me with the audacity to tell me that my friend had passed away that morning.
On July 22, 2010 Heather committed suicide.
I remember feeling really guilty. And really angry for a really long time. And. Really betrayed. And.
It's hard to put into words what it feels like. Maybe, that's because people aren't supposed to know what this feels like.
And, three years after she passed, I was finally able to do a documentary piece with her mother. And. That helped. I think when I posted this, all I could say was "I'm not angry anymore". But. I didn't really say anything else. Because I didn't know what to say.
Because I still hurt.
It's been four years. Since it happened. And. I think I'm starting to realize that it's probably not going to stop hurting. Maybe someday. But not anytime soon.
And. It's not okay. But. I think that it can be.
Instead of asking, "why did it happen" or "what could I have done", I think I could be asking "what can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again."
And it is hard. It's really really hard to talk about it, and I'm not really expecting that to go away.
But.
As I was once told, "If it's not scary, it's probably not worth doing."
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