Ah, yes, the brainworm that refused to leave me alone for Restraintstiel Week Day 7 — Free. I wrote a fic which you can read here. Essentially the second part to this artwork.
After a quiet afternoon spent discovering that tying knots and untying knots are, in fact, different skill sets, Dean finds himself overwhelmed by a realisation: some things you never get used to, and some things only get better with time.
What do you think would happen if Cas had to pick up or carry Dean… Would Dean get mean? Giddy? Weird? Would he call himself a takeout order to go?
EMBARRASSED. Full on flustered, face and neck red, protesting every step of the way, but his arms are around Cas's neck and he gets sooo disappointed when Cas finally puts him down
dean fell fast, fell hard, and fell FIRST. and by god he was so embarrassed about it but what’s a guy to do when literal heaven sends you the man of your dreams? i just KNOW he spent that first night after meeting cas in the barn absolutely breathless - back at bobby’s laid out on a dilapidated couch for the night and trying so hard not to put his own hand over the tender, tingling mark on his shoulder…just to see how they compare. sometime in the hazy hour between two and three in the morning, he gives in and finds out the handprint is notably larger than his own. it’s still hot out despite how late in september it is, but dean can’t suppress the shiver that goes through him. the angel - castiel - still has him off-kilter, but he can’t stop himself from imagining what it would be like to feel those hands on him again - what it might be like to be touched with care and intent by a creature so powerful even demons flee before it.
whats that kink called that you get from reading too much fantasy lit as a child that makes you want to be tortured in front of someone who loves you so you can see the pleading desperation in their eyes and hear how much they love you in between the cracks of their voice and really truly believe they would do anything to save you. also you get to look so cool and brave and covered in blood and soooo able to withstand pain haha no just me? ok
"i need you" is already SUCH a line to drop when the person you love is beating you to death, but one key reason why dean may have said it is because he said the exact same words to cas in purgatory to convince him to come with him to the portal. and purgatory was dean and cas' special bonding time, the place where everything feels "pure." so dean is repeating to cas the things he told him in purgatory because he knows how meaningful and raw their time there was and he's hoping that this will get through to cas. that cas will remember that dean needs him so much that he refused to leave purgatory for an entire year until he found cas.
“Admit it. We’re lost.” Jaskier whined as they passed what he would swear up and down was the same tree that was shaped like his great uncle.
His boots were wet and slick with mud, thoroughly ruined by the marshy ground of the swamp.
“Do not speak to me,” Geralt growled as he yanked hard at a reluctant Roach’s rein.
She snorted disapprovingly and resisted for a few tugs before allowing herself to be pulled forward through the muck. Her hooves made disgusting squelching sounds in the mud.
“Oh no no no. You do NOT get to be angry with me. This time YOU lost the map.” Jaskier protested, crossing his arms petulantly as he trudged forward.
“ME? You’re the one who put it under the firewood!” Geralt shot back.
“So it didn’t blow away! How was I supposed to know that you can’t tell the difference between a fucking LOG and a MAP and put it in the fire?”
“If we die out here, I am going to haunt you forever,” Geralt grumbled.
“You said you didn’t need the map anyway! You said you knew this area!”
Geralt paused and looked around. Everything he could see was dark green. The moss and vine-covered trees blended in with the darkness of the swampy ground. Sunlight barely made it through the thick canopy, casting the entire area in an eerie dark green haze.
He had known this area, in a manner of speaking. Knew to avoid it at all costs. But by cutting through, it would shorten their journey by 3 whole days, so it was a chance they would have to take. Their supplies were running low, and those extra few days meant the difference between reliable food and possibly going hungry.
It would be fine, he assured Jaskier at the time. The bard insisted they buy a map, and Geralt conceded. Then, after the first day, the map was promptly lost. Of course, they each blamed each other, and tensions had been high for the whole second day as they waded through water, mud, and general disgusting landscapes.
They were both grumpy, miserable, and in desperate need of a drink. Even Roach was irritable; she hated this soft, marshy land. It made her legs hurt to walk through. At the very least, Geralt had not even tried to get on her back. She would throw him at the first hint that he even tried.
“Geralt?” Jaskier stopped walking abruptly.
“Ughhhh, what is it now, bard?” Geralt grumped back.
“Can you smell that?”
Geralt sniffed the air heavily. “Algae, rotting plants, and dirt?” He asked.
“No… it’s-” he sniffed at the air like a bloodhound. “What is that?” He sniffed again, following whatever trail he found. “Liquor?” He took off towards a thick line of trees to their right, his feet squelching and splashing as he walked.
“Jaskier!” Geralt called angrily, like he was calling a disobedient puppy.
But the bard was not listening; he was already disappearing into the trees.
“Fucking hells.” He groaned and took off after him, dragging a now very unhappy horse behind him.
He yelled Jaskier's name through the trees but got no answer. Worry began to climb in his chest. Had some thing lured his bard away from his protection and out into the trees? Alone and defenceless? He called his name louder, panic beginning to rise. He could no longer hear the man’s footsteps, nor could he smell his trail over the overwhelming scent of rot.
“Jaakier!” He screamed, whipping his head around and straining his ears to see if he could hear any sigh of struggle.
“Jaskier, you bastard! Answer me!” Nothing. Okay, he was actually beginning to panic now. “Jaskiiierrrr!”
“Sweet Melitele, Geralt, are you trying to wake the dead with that racket?” Jaskier popped out from behind a tree, completely unharmed and unfazed. Perplexingly, he was also holding a drink in his hand. A colourful drink in an ornate glass. “Come on! I found something. Follow me!”
He slipped through the treeline again, and this time, Geralt followed closely. Within a few minutes, they arrived at a gap between two large trees, the space covered in sheets of moss and vines.
“Come on!” Jaskier encouraged.
Geralt eyed the vegetation with suspicion.
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Here, come on.” Without so much as a warning, Jaskier grabbed his gloved hand and pulled him through the vines. He luckily did not lose his grip on Roach’s rein and pull her through too.
Whatever he expected when the curtain of vines fell away, it was certainly not a bar. An actual, proper bar with tables and chairs and shelves of alcohol behind the main bench. The bar was situated in a peaceful-looking clearing. The ground here was more solid and much drier than what they’d trudged through to get here. The clearing still had that green hue, but it was much less eerie here. More comforting and warm.
“What. The fuck?” Geralt asked, more to himself than anyone else.
“Well, hello there. We don’t get many Witchers around here.” Said a woman who had not previously been there, from behind the bar.
She seemed to be drying a beautiful glass with a shabby-looking tea towel, adding it back to the pile of glasses on the shelf behind her. The woman was middle-aged, far as Geralt could tell. Greying hair draped from her head in long, messy waves. Moss seemed to be growing in parts of it. Her clothing was a shabby and half-ripped ensemble of green and brown rags that seemed to culminate together in some sort of outfit. What stood out the most, though, was her giant, pointy, PURPLE witches' hat. It stood there proudly on top of her head like a beacon.
She caught Geralt staring at it.
“Ah, yes, I know it’s a lot to look at. But it’s great for marketing.” The woman looked up at her hat before winking at him.
“What-what is this?” He stuttered, looking around.
At each table, there seemed to be a variety of creatures sitting at each of the tables. All the way from animals to what took Geralt a moment to realise was a drowner. It was not the vicious, monstrous beast he was used to. It sat with a dark-skinned elf on a table to the left of the clearing. The thing held up a glass to him when it saw him staring at it.
“My bar.” The witch answered, as if it was obvious.
“A bar, Geralt! An actual bar with real booze! Count our lucky stars today. The mother goddess must be smiling down on us.” Jaskier clapped him around the shoulders and led him to sit at an available table.
“Here. Let me take her.” Jaskier gently took Roach’s reins from his hand and tied her to a nearby tree. She looked happy enough to graze on the grass surrounding them.
Once done, Jaskier sat down. “What do you want? I’m buying.” He offered.
“With my money?” Geralt sassed back.
“Our money.” He corrected. “But no. The swamp witch does not accept money. I will pay with a song. So what will it be?”
Looking around briefly, he spied some colourful-looking drinks at the table next to theirs. “That. Whatever that is.” He requested.
Jaskier nodded and went off to give the purple-hatted witch their order. Geralt could not hear him through the chattering voices, but he watched him pull his lute out and play. He took the opportunity to look around again, more thoroughly this time.
Next to him, on the furthest table at the corner of the clearing, sat two people. There was a larger woman with dark brown, almost black, curly hair. Her leg bounced as she spoke animatedly to her companion. The other had much shorter and lighter hair and wore rust-coloured trousers. The most surprising thing was the dark, striped cat that had taken up residence on their shoulder. It seemed to be snoozing peacefully.
Geralt focuses his hearing on them. Their voices were strange. They spoke with accents he had never heard before, though they were different to each other.
“I can’t believe you live somewhere where it catches fire AND snows. That seems unfair.” Said the darker lady, her accent clipped and strange.
“I know! My poor plants can’t catch a break!” The other complained, bringing a hand up to scratch lightly at the cat's head.
“They never shut up, those two.” The bartender/witch commented, suddenly right beside him.
He fought the urge to jump in surprise. And it did seem true. They seemed to jump wildly from topic to topic, hands flying everywhere as they spoke excitedly. Around them, on the table, were numerous empty glasses with the remainders of melted ice and mint leaves swirling around.
The witch handed him his drink with a smile. Jaskier trotted up behind her and slid into a seat opposite him.
“You lost, boys?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
“What makes you say that?” Geralt challenged, and Jaskier kicked him under the table.
“Most folks here are lost.” She answered cryptically.
“Are they lost?” He asked, gesturing to the two yapping patrons in the corner table.
“Them? Nah. They just like it here. Think it’s peaceful. Come from far away, they did.”
She turned and went back behind her bar.
“Can’t say I blame them. It is nice here.” Jaskier commented.
A loud laugh cut through the din of the bar, and the dark-haired woman threw her head back and thumped her fist on the table. “……Crazy Dave…lawn…” were the only words Geralt could pick up.
“Oh. Hello there!” Jaskier’s voice jumped a little in surprise, and Geralt snapped his gaze back to him.
The dark, striped cat, previously at the corner table, had snuck over to rub up against Jaskier’s leg. He petted its little head, and it jumped up on the table to sit in front of him. No doubt to receive more pats.
“Aren’t you a handsome boy?” He cooed and ran his palm down its soft back. It's light-green, curious eyes stared at him with a slight head tilt. “What's your name?” He asked as if the cat was going to talk to him back.
“Itto! Come back here!” The light-haired patron of the corner table called over the noise of the bar.
The cat’s ears twitched slightly, pushing his head into Jaskier’s hand to receive a final pat before running back to his owner, who scolded him upon arrival. But peppered kissed over his little head anyway. It was sweet.
“How’s your drink?” Jaskier asked, eyeing his half-finished drink.
“Strong.” He answered, taking another sip.
“Good. I had her add liquor to it. The drink was supposed to be a mocktail. So, what’s the plan?” Jaskier leaned forward to put his elbows on the table. “We can’t stay here forever. And we’re still lost.”
Geralt shrugged, taking another swig of his bright drink. It really was quite good. Jaskier rolled his eyes at the petulant behaviour and beckoned the witch over with a polite wave. She put down another two drinks at the corner table, briefly speaking to them, before she walked over.
“Would you happen to have a map? We are dreadfully lost.” Jaskier batted his thick eyelashes at her, who huffed an amused smile.
“Maps are hard to come by. It’s going to cost you.” She smiled, wiping up the wet ring left by Jaskier’s cup before putting it on a coaster without comment. He fought the urge to apologise profusely and hide under the table in embarrassment.
“How much?” Geralt bristled, removing his coin pouch from his saddlebag.
The swamp witch snorted. “Money! How old-fashioned. Coin's no good here, I’m afraid.”
“Then what must we pay with?” He replied suspiciously.
He did not wish to take any chances with promises or deals, lest she turn out to be a mischievous pixie. He had no firstborn to give nor soul to sell (probably), but he had no intentions of finding out what she could take from him. Or worse, from Jaskier.
“Hmmm.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, eyeing them both. “A kiss.” She answered nonchalantly.
Geralt could not help but cringe. She was not an ugly woman, but he had no wish to kiss any witches after his last disastrous breakup with the always-terrifying Yennefer.
“Jaskier.” Geralt said expectantly, gesturing to the woman with a ‘get on with it’ expression.
“Not for myself.” She clarified. “You’re not my type.” She answered Jaskier’s inevitable ‘why not’ question.
"Then..." Jaskier trialled off, looking around them questioningly.
“Each other.” The witch said casually. As if it were no matter at all.
Jaskier spluttered and stuttered through some confused protests, blushing furiously at the suggestion. “I-I- how ridiculous. What could it possibly achieve?” He harrumphed and crossed his arms.
“That’s the price. A song for a drink, a kiss for a map. By all means, trudge through the trees on your own, just watch out for leeches.”
“LEECHES?!”
“Jaskier, be quiet. This map, it will lead us out of here?” Geralt asked, eyes narrowing.
“Certainly. The safest and driest way.” She answered, gesturing to their still-wet boots.
“This is utterly ridiculous! There must be some other-MMFF.” Jaskier’s plea was cut off when Geralt’s hand shot across the table to grab him by the collar of his expensive and well-tailored shirt and crashed their mouths together.
Half a second later, the witcher dropped him back into his seat, lips tingling and mind spinning.
“There. You have been paid. Map.” He demanded, holding his hand out.
With a chuckle, the witch reached into her apron and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She handed it to him with a smile.
“Pleasure doing business with you.” With that, she walked away.
Not to her bar, like he expected. No, she walked to the corner table, which greeted her with wide smiles. Then, of all things, they high-fived her, and he could not help the feeling that he should be mildly upset about it. But no matter, they had a map now.
He unfolded it and laid it out on the table to study. After a few minutes of silence, he noticed that Jaskier had not spoken in a while, which was very strange for him. He looked up to see Jaskier staring at him with wide eyes.
“What?” He asked defensively.
“You… you…kissed me.” Jaskier stuttered out.
“And? We got the map, didn’t we? You kiss people all the time. I didn’t think you would care.”
“Yes, but they’re…” He trailed off, exasperated.
Geralt bristled. “They’re human? Is that what this is about?”
“What? No! Of course not. What a ridiculous notion.” He waved his hand dismissively.
“Then what’s the problem? It was half a second. I know I took a bath recently, so I don’t smell that bad. Really, Jaskier, I don’t see why you’re making a big deal out of this. It was nothing.”
Jaskier shut his mouth with an audible click, eyes burning with fury and a hint of hurt. He crossed his arms and hunched over a little on himself. “You’re right, Geralt. It was nothing. Let’s just get out of here.”
He stood abruptly and swallowed the rest of his drink in a matter of seconds. Stomping over, he untied the now-calm Roach from her tree and began to walk angrily away from him, in the direction of the tree line. Geralt followed quickly after him, calling his name to get him to stop, but was summarily ignored.
Jaskier, for the second time that day, disappeared behind a thicket of trees. When Geralt caught up, he turned to look at the bar one last time and almost fell over when he saw that it was gone. The entire thing. Vanished into thin air as if it had never been there. Barely a laugh echoed in the peaceful clearing. But the map was real and dry in his hands, so he pressed on, vowing to file that entire encounter away under the heading ‘No Thanks’ and lock it away forever.
When he caught up to Jaskier, he was still angrily stomping and splashing his way through the swamp.
“Jask, stop this! You’re going the wrong way.” He called, snatching the rein from him and grabbing his wrist.
Jaskier wrenched his arm away and held it protectively to his chest.
“What the hells is wrong with you? Is this about that fucking kiss? I told you, it was nothing!”
“Well, that’s exactly it, isn’t it? It was nothing to YOU! But to me… Geralt. You must know. I’ve not exactly been subtle. You have to know…” He trailed off.
“Know what?!”
“That I’m hopelessly in love with you! And you’re being cruel. To kiss me and then rub it in my face that it meant nothing to you! It’s abject cruelty.” He turned away to lean on a nearby tree, breathing heavily.
“I-I-I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“No. Clearly not.” He spat bitterly. “But. No matter. Shall we go on? Get me out of this swamp, Geralt, before I drown myself.”
With small, almost silent steps, he snuck up on Jaskier while his back was turned. Upon reaching him, he spun him around and crowded him up against the tree with an ‘oof’.
“What the fuck, Geralt?” Jaskier protested.
“Stop talking.” He grumbled and crashed their mouths together for the second time that day.
But this time he did not retreat. He allowed himself the indulgence of a lengthy and sweet kiss with his bard. He pulled back and rested his forehead on Jaskier’s.
“I. Uh. Am very confused right now.” The bard whispered into the small space between them.
“I love you too, you idiot.”
The sudden sound of cheers and whoops echoed through the trees, coming from all directions at once.
“Finally!” A strangely accented and familiar voice said.
Jaskier clung to him with wide eyes, searching the trees. Fear rising in him.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here. We can finish this later.” Geralt pressed a soft kiss into his cheekbone and held out his hand for Jaskier to take.
“Booooooo.” Another quiet, disembodied voice called through the trees.
“Yes. Please.” Jaskier took the offered hand and allowed himself to be led out of the swamp, hand in hand with his witcher.
*************
Masterlist and AO3
For @faetyrantosaurus
This fic was based completely on this stupid doodle I made over the fabulous artwork created by @faetyrantosaurus
I wrote this for them cause they're the best. I was possessed by a muse and wrote this at 11pm while I was trying to sleep.
The crackiest of crack fics in which Fae and I are background characters who are a proxy for this fandom and just want to make them kiss.
me trying to convince myself that the whole spectrum of human emotions is a good and necessary thing to feel even if its not comfortable while im actively experiencing emotions that make me feel like my bones are being dissolved in acid
Here's some of the notes, starting with the things multiple people brought up:
SHRIMP COCKTAIL:
banahbanah: #flashback to that one fic where Peter Parker frets about drinking shrimp cocktail because of the alcohol
generaldeliciousness: adding: what a prawn/shrimp cocktail is
#why is your character turning it down because they're under 21 #do you think prawn cocktail is a cocktail #this lives in my brain rent-free constantly #the rest of the fic was so normal #and good enough that i'll still re-read it #but bro
And then many, MANY, people wondering if this was actually authour mistake, since Peter really would do this!
POMEGRANATES:
zhajhassa: #haha where's that post that was like someone describing someone eating a pomegranate but they ate it like an apple
thornhands: #once someone wrote persephone biting into a whole Pomegranate #had to stop and stare at a wall for a minute
sungsingsanguine: I once saw someone very confidently write about a character eating slices of pomegranate.
FRUIT TREES:
zagreuses-toast: #given a very endearing glimpse into a writers blindspots by seeing them describe someone sitting under a ''pineapple tree''
salatrash: I remember something about picking watermelons... OF A FUCKING TREE
baander: #cranberry trees
DOUGH/BATTER:
maycelium: #I'm a chef so I'm really used to people not accurately describing how to cook food #But I was surprisingly flabbergasted when someone was writing making a cake and was kneading it. Which uh #Not necessary for cake. It was interesting for sure but just bizarre
livebloggingmydescentintomadness: #the one that drove me nuts was when a character set aside a batch of PASTA DOUGH 'to rise' #pasta doesn't have yeast!! #it does need to REST but it will never RISE #you do not want an airy crumb on your noodles
lovesodeepandwideandwell: #THE ONE WHERE THEY MADE COOKIES BY LADLING BATTER INTO A TRAY
Some other topics:
ANIMALS:
catenarwhal: #mandatory 'how cows produce milk' mention#i'll never recover from that one I fear
piromantic: #one time i saw someone fake their way through describing how spiders behave
pluto-lichen: horses
misskittypotter: #stardew valley faking its way through what fresh fish smell like
pa-pa-plasma: #saw someone faking their way through knowing what a seal is once #i still am fucked up over that one to this day. they just straight up did not know #& they were NOT good at guessing it either like it was clear they had never googled that animal ever #& was only just now realizing via answering questions from anons that seals are not!! what they assumed. initially
SEX:
dykevandyke: #what a prostate is #and where it is located #as in. external.
dreamyeyedrose: #I remember back in the ff.net days reading an Ichigo/Renji fic where the writer assumed the penises go inside each other #and I was like “I mean I don't know how it works for sure I don't have one but idk if that's how it works”
SOME OTHER FOOD STUFF:
thetrekkiehasthephonebox: #add another one to the list bloggers#this character is cooking a salad
shosta: #still baffled about the published work that didn't know food could freeze
sun-dari: #once i read a fic where the author didn't understand cinnamon
alto-tenure: #read something recently where the author was just. blatantly wrong about spices
dramatic-dolphin: #i saw someone try to fake their way through what ramen is once. like 14 years ago.#but i remember.#i was very confused about ramen for a few months. they were writing it so authoritatively.
the-celery-stalks-at-midnight: #i will never ever forget someone putting leftover fries in the microwave to reheat them and setting the timer for five minutes
typeghost: #this sparked a memory of a hannibal fic where the author had to fake their way through writing about gravy
draculin: #the one fanfic where the author knows about coffee only as a concept wrote a character as a coffee drinker#was very interesting#I don't remember the fandom or the plot but I was mesmerized by the coffee actions and choices
11235811235811: #there's a lot of faking their way thru congee in the svsss fandom i'll also note
fishali3n: #read one where the person clearly didnt know what tofu is
emmy-everafter: #in the aftermath of shadow and bone s2 i saw a lot of people pretending to know what stroopwafels are #babes they are more like cookies than breakfast waffles #like yes there is a waffle pattern but you're not gonna cut into a stack of them with syrup and sugar#🤣🤣🤣
NON-FOOD STUFF:
red-umbrella-811: Shoutout to Dame Agatha Christie for faking her way through what a wrench is in a very popular published work.
bluebeetle: #once saw someone have a character put an entire phone book in their pocket
nonametis: #- sex talk in languages other than english #<- or just the petnames in a different language other than English
sadisticpony: #the fanfiction i saw this week where op DIDNT KNOW HOW AUTOMATIC DOORS WORKED #and that they arent in peoples homes!!! of course. also opening the automatic door for someone is unironically very funny but its not #its not like. grabbing the door handle to let someone in. helpppp
danmeichael: #reminds me of the fic with the figure drawing class where the character started with the feet. #i love you feet first figure drawing author
meowmix1100blr: #me watching this one fic absolutely obliterate what the board of directors does
vexedhexes: #one time i read an architect character making a doorway bigger by building a bigger door #what a beautiful world. #OH. also gravity falls fic where they go 'oh piedmont is in california so its warm all year round'
leveragehunters: #characters going to a beer garden #And it's literally a garden outside the pub#It was a very cute mistake
fitofpique: #yes! #grown men do not get blind drunk off two beers #but i am possibly guilty of the hypothermia one #assuming it does not make you very horny?
dadvans-likes: #always thinking abt the soup kitchen fic #the entire setting of the fic was 'soup kitchen' #and i very quickly realized #the author did not know what a soup kitchen was #and they thought that soup kitchens only served soup #fic
msmargaretmurry: #i love fanfiction #once read a fic where the characters played 20 questions #but the author seemed to not know how to play 20 questions and was just kind of winging it........ #immaculate
shakespeareaddict: #Look I know not all of us are hockey experts #But it takes about ten seconds of research or any attention paid to the show to realize #That the Stanley cup playoffs are not in fucking September
baejax-the-great: #the funniest one i saw #was someone faking what church is like #like 1. they really didn't have to write an entire church experience for their fic #and 2. they had clearly never even watched a show where people went to church #it was bonkers weird
twosunson: #things ive seen authors faking #knowing how to unclog a drain #knowing. literally any history #knowing what ketamine looks like (apparently- oregano) #(you know who you are)
waterhorseyblues-ao3: #beltane being celebrated in winter #wales being portrayed as a completely separated land from england (i wish) #characters getting up after weeks of bedrest like that dosnt completely fuck you up
violetfairydust: #i once read a fic where the flight time from london to seattle was 3 hours
purekesseltrash: One time, in a fic set specifically in Des Moines, IA, two of the characters casually drove 20 minutes to the ocean. The memory continues to delight me. I want to know where that author thought that Iowa was.
I need an a/b/o fic that's a very basic winter heat at KM scenario BUT it's written from Vesemir's perspective and therefore incredibly funny. Like him just going about his day, doing chores, reading a good book, and every now and then one of the pups will run past him, butt naked, grabbing snacks or spare blankets or whatever. Like they'll start making out in the kitchen while he's sitting right next to them solemnly buttering his toast, and then Geralt just heaves Jaskier onto the breakfast table and Vesemir doesn't even blink, just raises his cuppa tea and continues reading his book.
