Day 1,521: A New Journey
Hello Tumblr-world! ...Is anybody out there? :) Possibly not. It’s been so long since I’ve written. I’m honestly not even sure if people really use Tumblr anymore. Perhaps there’s another cool new self-publishing blogger site that all the kids are using nowadays. But, that’s OK. I’m back because I’m on a new journey and I’ve been feeling the pull back to this space to write and find clarity. When I was getting sober, this blog was an incredibly useful tool. I fully believe it was one of the major factors in my getting and staying sober. Having a blank page to really work my thoughts and feelings out on was imperative. And such is the case, again, I feel.
I have been sober now a little over four years. It’s so incredibly wild. Four years. Once upon a time, a week seemed like an eternity. I could never have imagined racking up this amount of sober time, nor could I have envisioned how my life is now. In four years, I started and finished grad school. I worked in the psychology/recovery field for a year, and then quit after discovering that it really wasn’t for me. Started a new career as a personal trainer, wellness blogger, and fitness model; got married; became a stepmom; moved three times; traveled to 8+ countries; got a cat; and now, what brings me back to this safe space, got pregnant.
Yep, that’s right. I’m going to be a mom. It’s so insane to me. I always assumed I’d have children some day but I never really thought about when. I never envisioned myself pregnant. I of course never thought about the myriad questions and fears and doubts I would have. I just saw myself, in the future, with a husband, a house, and a kid or two.
It happened quick, too. One day after returning from a beautiful trip to LA where I spent a lot of time with my friend’s and sister-in-laws’ kids, I announced to my dear husband, “I’m ready to start trying.” No idea where this came from, but it felt really right at the time. And then, in the days to follow this announcement, it felt really, really horribly and terrifying wrong. What have I do? What am I doing with my life? I’m not ready for kids! Do I even want kids? Whose idea was this? Oh. My. God.
And then, very soon after, the test revealed two lines. To say I’ve gone through an array of emotions would be a pathetic understatement. (And yeah, the hormones play a big part in that). But, I can say today, at the beginning of Week 8, it’s starting to feel a bit real, and I’m starting to get a bit excited about it. I have always been brutally honest on this blog, and that’s one of the reasons I’ve returned; I feel the need for a space where I can free-flow my painfully honest thoughts. And the truth is, that for the first few weeks, I wasn’t excited. I was scared and mildly depressed, I think. It seemed a bit like my life was going to end, and that feels like a painfully ridiculous thing to say, because IT WAS MY IDEA. But I can get caught up in self-doubt, a lot. And such is the case with this pregnancy, I believe. I DO have a lot of anxieties, but things are beginning to seem manageable, and I’m starting to trust my initial judgment on wanting to get pregnant in the first place.
One of the things I’ve learned over the past four years is that I (can) have a lot of fear, if I allow it. And my fear voice is so strong at times that it makes me forget what the truth is. Often times, my initial reaction or thought to a new idea is the honest truth, but when I allow my brain to actually think about it, it comes up with a ton of worst-case-scenario thoughts that scare me into thinking something completely different from my original thought. The mind is a powerful thing if left unchecked.
Anyways. So, yes. I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am still very much processing it all, but we are quite excited (I think my husband may be more excited than me though! After all, he doesn’t have to go through the horrors of pregnancy!) My plan is to check in and write as frequently as I need to. And, I feel I will need to.
I’m grateful for this space, and my continuing sobriety.
-CBG








