luffy wasn’t his normal self, he was more reserved, quiet, calculating, and he had every right to be. eyes watched his chef as he knew there was something on his mind and the captain had a good idea what it was. ever since they left that island sanji was different, and even though luffy thought how cool it was to have robotic hands, he was finally starting to understand the other’s feelings towards them.
so, when sanji was already starting to make him snacks like he said, luffy couldn’t just sit by and let him do that(even if his stomach was begging for something to eat), sanji’s emotions were much more important at the moment. so, luffy took his hand and stretched it out until it grasped onto the other’s shoulder as if to stop him in his tracks.
“stop it,” he said in an almost silent tone of voice, unusual for luffy, but this required that softness. “stop hiding things from me and talk.”
luffy wasn’t going to eat anything sanji made him until they had a talk, even if the chef yelled at him for wasting food, he was going to stand his ground on this matter.
“you’re not alone in this, we’re all here for you.” just seeing sanji wipe his tears on his sleeve, luffy was even more determined to get to the bottom of this. his grip on sanji was tighter, just to show that he was here for him.
It’s easy to still under Luffy’s touch and tone. His hands drop the ties of his apron and his arms fall to his sides. He doesn’t turn, his gaze burning a hole in the floor instead. A part of him wishes that something would happen, that some other band of pirates or marines would suddenly be attacking- for all his feelings, it was easier to just bare it all himself. It was easier to be there for everyone else that needed it. ( Easier to shape himself into what they all wanted, to shed his skin each day and put on another with each person he came across. ) He grits his teeth against the thought of being a pawn.
His hands clench into fists and he doesn’t feel it. They are well made, of course. Expertly crafted but still the chef can’t find any place in him yet to feel his previous attachment. Sanji knows that Luffy is smarter than others give him credit for-- hell everything they’ve gone through proves it plenty so for him to stand here and pretend he wasn’t feeling like there was some chasm- made by his own hands because he just fucks it all up doesn’t he? Makes things into more than what they need to be?- it was ridiculous. To know Luffy’s feelings and to know his confidence in Sanji and still feel himself being put on, feel that any second he’ll be on a boat in the middle of the ocean, it’s fucking pitiful.
Sanji breathes and then again and something tightens in his chest at Luffy’s words and his eyes are watering again. Curses fall from his lips as he mutters to himself because he just can’t help being emotional, huh? So many things begin to bubble up in his chest and still he doesn’t turn to Luffy. He cannot face the look he knows he’ll have in his eyes because he doesn’t deserve it.
“I..” his voice croaks, full of emotion and thick with tears, “How can you stand there and forgive me so easily? I cursed you, basically spit on your dream, called you trash and--” his foot is hot, hotter than it’s ever been and he’s moving as fast as he learnt how, pushing the limits of his own body. The resounding crack as his heel makes contact with-- Finally he rounds on Luffy and there’s something in his voice that’s both angry and sad. “I kicked you! Raised my hand against my captain and you welcomed me back so easily!”
Tears freely slip down his cheeks, the flush to his cheeks makes the rest of him look pale. The bags beneath his eyes are more pronounced. He wants to run a hand through his hair again and again and again, he wants Luffy to just tell him he’s done as much as he wants to hear the reassurance- to hear the forgiveness that he knows he doesn’t deserve but his hands stay at his sides and instead he stands there, pleading, begging to understand.