As of last weekend, I ended the second abusive relationship I’ve had in three years. The only two relationships I’ve had in three years. The details of what happened aren’t important now, but I wanted to put down in writing the red flags that I missed. Mainly for me, so that going forward I can avoid men like this, but also for all of you because sometimes when you’re in love with someone; they can be easy to overlook. I couldn’t believe, once I took a step back, that I missed so many red flags when the last guy I dated did so many of the same things.
1. He doesn’t care about getting to know your friends.
This one is huge to me. I think that abusive men tend to realize that your friends aren’t going to like them, and so they show little to no interest in getting to know them; or they trash talk your friends and try to separate you from them. It’s a matter of isolation. If he can isolate you, he can easily control you.
2. He has a history of abuse with girls.
This one seems obvious, but it’s something I wrote off from the beginning because he told me within a week of meeting. And when he told me, he acted like he hated himself for it; like it would never happen again. I saw someone with so much guilt and I just wanted to hold him and make it go away. This is the mask they use, this mask of regret and separation from who they used to be. From what I’ve learned (the hard way) men like this, without major therapeutic intervention, don’t change.
3. He treats his parents poorly/has gotten into physical altercations with them before
Again, a huge sign I overlooked because we both had such hard pasts. When he told me that part of his life was done; I believed him. Even when I heard him verbally disrespecting his parents (who do everything for him), I coached him and thought he could change.
4. He thinks his ideas and ways of doing things are better than anyone else
Narcissism is a huge red flag with guys that should never be written off as confidence. They are not serendipitous. Narcissism is a very dangerous behavioral pattern, because they genuinely don’t tend to see their own wrong doing at all. Don’t believe apologies from narcissists, believe when they start to change. They will play the sad boy, the sorry act, whatever you need to hear to let them off easy. If he speaks as if he is better than anyone, if his ideas are 100% right without question, you should run for it. Narcissists can’t respect other people by default, because they don’t think anyone else deserves it. Everything we did- he called the shots. Every tv show we watched was ones he liked. I think he watched a movie I picked out one time in four months. My opinions and desires weren’t a concern, and that isn’t how love is supposed to be. Love is compromise, not a dictatorship.
5. He starts either controlling you directly or punishing you when you do things he doesn’t approve of
My ex used the punishment tactic a lot. Some things he wouldn’t straight up say I couldn’t do, but he would punish me by silence or lashing out at other little things when I would do them. He started telling me he didn’t want me to see certain people that had observed him disrespecting me and wouldn’t talk to me if I did. He didn’t want me doing photoshoots with other people, so if I tried to schedule one with someone his mood would shift instantly. He would punish me for getting upset when he was disrespectful or abusive, told me I was playing the victim and that me being upset was “me trying to control him”.
6. He withholds you from activities you used to love, again directly or indirectly
This showed up for me in photography. Again, I wasn’t to shoot with anyone but him. But it was also other things, if I wanted to get up early and hike without him it was a fight. If I wanted to go do anything without him it was a fight.
7. His blow ups end with over the top apologies
This started early on. My friends all saw it before I did. When his mask first slipped, it was after I had shot with someone else and we went to dinner with my roommate. He had a total blow up and was so rude to her, and I was confused because I had never seen him act like that. We ended up chasing him around the city in my car until he calmed down. And then he was so overly apologetic to both of us, but after a while he just started acting normal again like nothing had happened. He cheated on me while I was abroad volunteering, and before I got home he had spent close to a thousand dollars at Ikea getting items from my room to try and compensate. It worked. I always ended up accepting his apologies.
8. As time goes on, his blow ups become more frequent and the apologies get shorter or disappear all together
Eventually the blow ups happen more and more; and for more ridiculous reasons. You picking up the wrong socks, you telling him that 9 muscle relaxers is too many, you wanting some of his fries (wish I was kidding), etc. and the apologies start shrinking. Because he isn’t actually sorry for any of it. The apologies are acts to give you reason to stick around. But once he feels like Is he has decent control over you, he doesn’t need the act any more. His apologies stop coming. Suddenly you start to wonder where the guy you fell for went; or if he was ever there at all.
9. He puts his hands on you for any reason, either to stop you from walking away or to make a point
The physical interactions started off with restraining, because I wasn’t allowed to walk away or get space when he was upset. He would tell me that I was, in fact, the one who had assaulted him because I would fight back when he restrained me. I would scratch and kick and bite to get him to let me go, so I was the bad one. I was the abuser, I should have just let him touch me whenever and however he pleased. This of course gave way with time to him hitting, choking, and other things back when I would defend myself. It’s a very, very slippery slope. No man has any reason or right to put his hands on you, for any reason, without consent. Especially not during an argument.
10. He leaves you alone in public
I can’t remember all the times this occurred. Once on a road trip he dropped me off at a gas station in Idaho and drove away. He would leave me alone at the bars, at stores, etc. It became clear my physical safety was a non issue to him.
11. He starts threatening you verbally
Again, if he ever threatens to “beat the shit out of you”, please believe him. Guys without abusive tendencies don’t threaten those things. They just don’t. If he starts threatening you physically, try to get a recording of it (for your own safety going forward if you need a restraining order) and get out.
12. He starts using your biggest insecurities as casual points in arguments
"This is why your friends hate you" “this is why your dad doesn’t Love you” “this is probably why your parents got divorced” “you’re unlovable"
All real things said during arguments. I personally think verbal and emotional abuse is worse than physical, because you never forget these things. And hearing them come out of a different persons mouth only further establishes your belief in them. Please know these things aren’t true. He doesn’t define you or your relationships. He just wants to break you down so that you keep coming back when his true colors show. You can survive without him and you will be happier doing it.
13. Every fight, no matter how trivial, he threatens to leave you
From the beginning this was a huge issue. It never resolved, I was always threatened with being left alone in my worst moments; when I was in the most pain.
14. He pushes you to move in, or get a job near/with him
These things happen during the good times, but being pushed too fast too early is another sign of controlling tendencies. The more he can make your life reliant on him, the more control he has. This is the way abusers create the void in yourself that you feel when they’re gone, they create a physical and practical need to have them in your life– and then they make a home there. I would be cautious of any guy that pushes you to commit too fast. It may come off as him being crazy about you in all the right ways, but it could be the wrong way all together.
13. He starts planting ultimatums early on in the relationship
I was told from the beginning that it I didn’t do _______ with my future, we weren’t going to work. I started entertaining the thought of changing my life goals to incorporate him and his goals. Fuck that. I’ve wanted the same things for 7 years, I’m not changing that for a guy. But I almost did.
14. Your self esteem drops off the deep end
I slowly but surely started to believe all the things being said about me, in both cases. He would threaten to talk to all the girls chasing after him, I would feel inadequate. I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to him because I felt emotionally unsafe with him, he would threaten to out source his sexual needs. He would creep on other girls on Instagram, I would feel ugly or fat or whatever in comparison. Every time a girl approached him at work, at a bar, etc, I was the first to know. There was a constant need to remind me that I was not the only option, and how easy it would be to replace me.
15. He starts holding any nice deeds he has done for you over your head
At the end of the relationship I literally got sent a bill for every dollar he had spent during our time together. Seriously. He would defend any wrong doing on his part by "you owe me money” or “I did _______ for you”; and that’s just the thing, he did those things to control. He did them to have leverage when his true self came out.
16. You find yourself hiding his actions from your friends
I subconsciously omitted information from my friends because I was so afraid of coming across as a hypocrite. I knew they didn’t want me with him. I knew my mom hated it, so I hid the things he would say and do. I was so afraid of them seeing what I was allowing to happen to me, because I wasn’t ready to leave him yet. But finally, when I was, none of them were surprised and they all came rushing to me to support and Love me and prevent me from falling back into the trap.
This list could go on, but I think that these 16 things were the biggest signs I missed. Please, if you feel like you might be in an abusive relationship on any level, reach out. I was scared too. I was terrified of what people would think, of being alone, of him, of everything. It’s been a week, it’s been a really hard week, especially knowing he has been out every night with random girls; but I know I deserve so much more than an abusive emotional black mailer. So do you.
Eventually you have to ask yourself, if your best friend was in this relationship, would you want her to stay? No? Then the same applies for you. Being happy 5% of the time is not enough and not worth it; someone out there is going to make you happier than you’ve ever been and the more time you waste with an abuser is the less time you get to spend happy. I love you guys. Thank you for the continued support over the years. I feel like I owe everyone an apology for falling into the same trap- mainly myself.
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