Abusers will fill your mind how thing would be so good for you, if only you’d be more understanding, more obedient, more allowing, more non-offended at their insults, more forgiving. They build up this idea that every misstep of theirs only happened because you did something first, you assumed something, you misunderstood, you didn’t give them enough to feel safe and free. You made them act out because you didn’t give them enough safe space to be themselves.
So abuse victims can go forward thinking that this is how you make people good; you love them unconditionally. You always assume the best of them, you allow them missteps and forgive them, you give 100% of your energy to them. You’re always excited to be with them, you never judge them, never judge their actions, only their intentions. You show them that they will be understood and loved and listened to, no matter what they do, almost like a child. You give them freedom to be themselves and show them that they’re safe to open up, safe to express, safe to ask for whatever they need and safe to love you back.
And if something goes bad, then this is your fault; you didn’t do enough. Because if you did, that person would be sweet and loving and kind. You take responsibility for their actions, they don’t take responsibility for anything. You get to feel bad when they hurt you, because it was on you to prevent it, even though it was unpreventable.
Abusers claim that someone having bad assumptions about them, is what makes them act out and act unkindly, they’re punishing those people for assuming bad things, and why should they act nice if people are going to assume bad stuff? They frame it as if the assumption is what made them bad. The truth is, no assumption you could have about anyone will affect their behaviour. If you assume someone is a bad person, and they’re not, then the time will show the reality of the situation. A good person will not start acting out to ‘punish’ the assumption maker, they’ll keep being good to prove the assumption wrong. Acting out to 'punish’ the assumption is something we allow to children, not adults. Every adult understands it’s immature and counter-productive to fight assumptions with even worse actions, and that kindness is not rewarded with positive feedback every single time. They also understand that acting cruelly and viciously will not be rewarded with positive feedback. They know it’s unreasonable to ask for it, they know they’re doing it just to push blame on the victims, for their own behaviour.
Giving abusers endless positive reinforcement ends up with them turning into the worst versions of themselves. Them feeling safe means they can now revert to their most selfish, unkind and sadistic selves, and they will not be judged, and all their sins will be forgiven. They’ll want you to feel safe to open up as well, but only so they could use the most vulnerable and intrusive info about you to hurt you when you try to hold them accountable for their behaviour, or when you try to stand up to their opinions and orders.
You can’t give abusers enough love and kindness to turn them good. It has been tried endless times, and it turns into the same exploitative, cruel and abusive situation. They will never have enough, and nothing will ever be enough. They’re not after love, they’re after control and superiority. They will not love you as their equal, you can only be a toy. And when you’re broken, they’ll seek out a new one. Nobody deserves to be put thru that. Nobody deserves to be abandoned and devalued after putting their best into the relationship.
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