“ Fifty one times after I said it to you,” he replies dryly. And that would be Cassian’s attempt at humor. ( Clearly, it’s not one of his fortes. It’s something Kaytoo excels far better at. ) Cassian shifts, so that he’s sitting upright a bit more on the bed. He stares at Torin in that usual unnerving way of his. It’s been commented on multiple times in the past that such intense, direct staring can cause people discomfort. If anyone asked and Cassian bothered to answer, he would say that he’s studying people. But deep down, it’s just Cassian trying to engrave people into his memory. Because he’s lost so many. There’s never a guarantee that who you are with today will be alive tomorrow.
Torin is one of the few people in Cassian’s life where he’s hyperaware of how much distance maintained between them. Because there are moments when Cassian thinks he has a better understanding of how his older brother, Elanis, felt about him. Cassian’s been protective of Torin, since the younger male’s early days in the Rebellion. He’s careful not to cross the threshold. You get too emotionally invested in someone, and before you know it– something happens to them. Anyways, what right does Cassian have to be anything more than a Captain to Torin? To be an older brother … That’s a kind of honor Cassian doesn’t deserve.
Cassian’s eyes flicker downwards. He’s not sure how to respond to what Torin says. Cassian doesn’t regret the lengths Rogue One went in order to send out the Death Star plans. But that still does not alleviate the raw pain of what and who people have lost. Cassian is tempted to crawl his way back into work. All just so he can dive headfirst into meetings and ‘ civil debates ‘ and missions and– Cassian closes his eyes when he hears the echoes of his partner’s voice in his mind. Funny how someone who has loved you so long, so strong can grow into the voice of your subconscious. Right now, Kaytoo’s voice is telling Cassian to breathe. To be patient. To let himself heal. Because even workaholicsm is destructive, no matter how much of a distraction it would give right now.
“ Let’s keep talking as we walk. Need to stretch my legs anyways. “ Cassian is already moving off the bed. He can walk fine. It’s his upper body that aches the most, and his hands still hold a tremor. Cassian doesn’t get very far before medics approach him, ready to forcefully drag him back. “ I’m only going for a walk,” Cassian reassures, then points a thumb over at Torin. “He’ll make sure I’m on my best behavior. “
They manage to make it out of the medbay, and go to one of the secluded rooftops of the base. Cassian folds his arms to rest them upon the ledge. “ … you matter too, kid. “ He’s thinking back on what Torin said earlier. ( ‘ Your mission or the plans was the only thing that mattered. ‘ ) Cassian keeps his gaze on the horizon. He reaches up to run his fingers through his hair, hand brushing across the scars on his face. “ Don’t ever think for a second that you’re just a name on a roster. Or an expendable number. “ He looks down at his hands. The tremors still won’t go away no matter how hard he tries. Cassian exhales. “ What else is on your mind? “
At Cassian’s admission, Torin laughed a little as he looked down and shook his head. Of course he’d be the person to ask one too many times but he cared about the older male and wanted to make sure he was doing ok. When he lifted his head, he rolled his eyes and raised an eyebrow, “I won’t ask again but at least you know I care.” He pointed out, his second eyebrow joining the first. As Cassian watches him, Torin refuses to look away because his eyes are very unnerving. Torin had got used to it by then but it didn’t make it any less unnerving when it did happen. Torin understood why though, all of them had that look before they went on missions because, realistically, no one ever knew who would make it back alive.
For an only child, Torin had always wondered why his parents hadn’t had any other children but when he’d witnessed the things he had in his time with the Rebellion, then that was when he’d realised they didn’t want to bring another child into a world with so much unrest. And it wasn’t like Torin had ever been lonely as a kid, he always found a way to make friends. He would literally force his way into people’s lives if he had to. So there was that as well. However, that didn’t mean that he was still okay with being an only child, maybe he wasn’t and in that respect, a part of him saw Cassian as one would look at an older brother. Of course, he kept that to himself because he didn’t know exactly how that would be recieved by the older male.
When he saw the expression that crossed Cassian’s face, a frown creased Torin’s brow just a little ashe wasn’t sure if he should take back the question or not. He hadn’t intended to make the Captain feel any kind of negative but he assumed, by the expression he had. Torin wasn’t good with any of this either so he wasn’t sure if he was making ay kind of difference or just makibg it harder for Cassian. But he was trying and that had to stand for something right? He hoped it did. Torin was always going to be there for Cassian ,even when he was sure that the man would tell him he didn’t need to worry. That wasn’t how it worked.
A relieved expression took over Torin’s featured and hazel eyes widened as he saw Cassian begin to move from where he’d been for the entirity of their meeting so far. He wasn’t entirely sure that the Captain should be moving but it wasn’t his place to argue. “Okay. But take it easy, I can’t carry you if you end up on the floor.” He pointed out with a wry smile and a little chuckle. Torin watches as the medics approach and wonder if they have some kind of death wish if they’re about to stop Cassian from going anywhere but when he sees the thumb jab in his direction and he gave them a blinding smile, “I will. I don’t mind smacking him if he gets out of line or dragging him back to the medbay” He wiggled his eyebrows in Cassian’s direction and grinned.
It’s a slow walk to the secluded rooftop they end up standing on but Torin didn’t mind. He lent his arms against the ledge and looked out over the greenery of the planet. There was no doubt that Yavin 4 was a beautiful place for a base. He frowned at Cassian’s words and then rememered the conversation from not so long ago. Torin ducked his head down and nodded it just a little. “I know…” He mumbled a little as he glanced at Cassian, they all mattered, he knew that but sometimes it was hard to focus on that when so many people were being lost. Torin then sighs a little and turns around so he’s leaning back against the ledge, gaze fixed ahead. “I lost people I grew up with today….I almost lost my dad.” He shrugs his shoulders, still keeping his gaze fixed ahead. “….I still don’t know how to process all of this…..” Finally he glanced at Cassian and shook his head, “Ignore me. I’m just tired.”
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