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[correlianscoundrel]

Better...but still very, very hurt.

[correlianscoundrel]

Hurt...again

I would be hard pressed to remember a time when I was as hurt and angry simultaneously. And yet here I am. Thanks, Jillian.

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I hate these worried looks. I hate being confused. I know for a fact you can ease those looks and clarify everything. I know that together, lonesome will never exist. I love you, Jillian. I always will.

[correlianscoundrel]

Keeping in mind everything we talked about tonight ( Nov 13), there's this one thing. Please please please don't act like you've made some huge sacrifice for me by not talking to him anymore. You haven't sacrificed a friendship for me. You sacrificed the friendship yourself when you decided to sleep with him. In secret. You CANNOT come back from that. I hate that I'm made to feel irrational because you've "given up" something. The fact that you somehow still feel some sort of connection with him makes me think that there is something there. Something beyond friendship. And for you to say otherwise is a flat out lie. Wanting to still be "friends" speaks volumes. I would never ever ask you to give up a friendship. What I would request is for you to stop flirting with and going out to dinner/lunch with an ex lover. How you don't recognize how grossly inappropriate that is is beyond me. It's extremely hurtful. You can chalk all this up to me being a jerk if you want, but just think for a second. He doesn't want to be you're fucking friend anymore. Forever, in the back of his mind, there will always be this possibility. And for you to perpetuate anything from here on out means that in the back of your mind, that same possibility exists. I wish you'd never told me. I hate these thoughts. Please think about me a little. I'm not crazy. Just hurt

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I Wish She Knew

I wish she knew how truly incredible it is to hold her. Not to down play it or just make it sound unnecessarily mushy but really and truly, everything about holding her makes me loose myself. And it's not just the way she feels in my arms (even though that's a huge part of it) it's the way she makes me feel. The contentment. The overwhelming love I feel for the woman I'm holding. The other worldly connection I feel when we're in each other's arms and I get the feeling we're both thinking the same thing. "I love her so much. I never want to let go." And I never will

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Not. In. A. Relationship.

That was a pretty hurtful statement. I know it's sort of true but what the fuck would she call what we ARE in? What does the past year mean? What would she consider us? What am I to her? Questions I would have asked but I probably would have gotten more indirect, wishy washy answers.

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Changes

Big BIG changes are in store. I've finally set things in motion with my soon to be ex...and quite frankly, it's made me very very sad. I don't like the idea of hurting her. But I think, I hope, that in the end she'll realize, as I hope I will as well, that it's all for the best. On the bright side (the much brighter side) this is a huge step in the right direction. That being the direction that leads me to HER. I know now that in time the one that I've truly been in love with for so long will be completely mine. And I will be completely hers. I'm so excited for us to become so much more than a secret. For us to become a true and honest reality.

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I feel like it'll just stew and stew and stew if I don't say something.

I don't appreciate being lied to.  If that is in fact the case.  I especially don't appreciate it if it's about who I think it is and I was blown off for HIM.

My mind goes to terrible places and my feelings are so much more than hurt.

[correlianscoundrel]

Puddin'

Just finished the banana pudding that we got for dessert yesterday.  I've eaten banana pudding all my life but I know that from now on, it will be one of the many many things that will always remind me of her.  The fact that we've gotten it at Pinky's the past couple times and that her mother makes perhaps the best I've ever had has pretty much solidified the association forever in my mind.  

I love the things that remind me of her.  I actively seek them out all the time.  I love that little extra reminder every time I drink a diet coke or drive by the college or quote a movie that we saw together.  Just everything about her and everything we've ever shared and everything we've become and all the wonderful things she makes me think and feel and the person I'm becoming because of her...it all makes me so happy.

She makes me happy.

[correlianscoundrel]

Date Day

Today was pretty great.  Even though it was only two hours out of town, it's still just so great to get away with her and spend the day together.  Few things in this life make me happier than just being around her.

I can't wait for this to be my everyday.  

[correlianscoundrel]

To The Future

One year ago today the most beautiful and wonderful woman I've ever known became a part of my life in a very special way.  I'm thankful every day for knowing her at all much less getting to know her the way I have over the past twelve months.

I hope she looks forward to the coming years as much as I do.

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I started going to church again mainly because I simply can't do this on my own.  I knew I needed help and some type of spiritual...fulfillment, I guess.  That sense of feeling lost; I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I still can't.  I'm trying really hard and, the Gospels in particular, help a good bit, but I still have no idea what I'm doing.  I still don't know where I'm going.  I ask so frequently, every day in fact, for help and guidance.  I'm doing what little I can on my end, but I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. 

I don't know anything more than I did this time last year.  Aside from the one constant, the one true love that I know I've finally found, I'm still completely lost.

[correlianscoundrel]

The fireflies

Now the fireflies are making me sad. Have a feeling they always will when she's not around.

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Definite Change

I can't live this life anymore.  I simply can't do it.  This may end in an incredibly awful, confrontational, shit storm, or it may be the most amiable, mutual, ending in the history of endings, but either way, it has to end.  

It's gone on long enough and I can't truly be without her any longer

[correlianscoundrel]

I know it's stupid and I know she never would have done it, but I was only half kidding when I said we should have just stayed there.

[correlianscoundrel]

Additional Addendum

Strawberries are now my favorite fruit

But only if they come from Oxnard CA

And only if I'm eating them with her

[correlianscoundrel]

Addendum...

Of special note was my first time seeing and being in the Pacific.  Kissing her while standing in the waves on the Santa Barbara beach and hearing her tell me it was perfect has climbed to the number one spot of the most special, magical, and love filled moments of my life.