cosmically alive

a blog for my musings

[cosmically-alive]

i ask this universe to grieve with me for a second

here's to all the souls, human and otherwise, who have left us behind without knowing just how much they've contributed to this world.

i may not know all of your stories with the detail i know of laika's story, or feel you all etched within my heart in the same way that i feel those i've personally loved and lost. despite that, i grieve you all; despite that, i am grateful because we are connected through the very existence of being human.

maybe the purse you left behind ended up in the thrift shop i found it in. maybe you were the one who showed my teacher the poem she taught us that is to this day my favorite poem. maybe we crossed each other on the street while i was having a bad day and you smiled at me and that made my day a little better. maybe you were my friend's street cat that i got to play with and made me want a cat. i have my own kitty now and his name is rover, he's certainly more skiddish than you and i love him very much.

maybe, just maybe, you've contributed to this world more than you think

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[leopardheart-deactivated2023022]

poems about Laika (the soviet space dog)

i’ve been hunting for one in specific, and during my quest, i have seen that very many beautiful poems about this creature have been written. I wanted to compile them.

“first dog in space” by brennig davies / “They say that, from space, the Earth looks like a small, blue ball. I’ll throw it for you, Laika, if you’ll chase it, dart through the stratosphere like a comet, undeserving of its fate.”

“laika” by claire williamson / “for three hours she was weightless, pulse racing, but ate her dinner, alive to see an orbital sunrise.”

“laika” by adnana zeljkovic / “Paddling with her soft paws in inimical vacuum, (nothing to draw you to your bosom like Mother Earth’s gravitation) herself soft snowflake,”

“laika” by paul gerard reed / The stars that shone have all gone out as man betrayed your trust, but your spirit is still in place somewhere, out there in space.

“laika” by dave lewis / “But when you gave me that final kiss on the nose I suppose deep down inside I knew my destiny lay among the stars. Alone, in silence, I watched the world spinning round, one thousand miles below.“

“i remember laika” by jan oskar hansen / “The farewell can’t be delayed a boy has run to the outer field sits on a stone tries not to cry the struggle to accept the unavoidable.”

“muttnik” by tumblr user @fateology / “I don’t mind. I just miss you. I miss you like the space that lies between two breaths. Full to burning.”

“for the first dog in space” by lavinia greenlaw / “Laika, do not let yourself be fooled by the absolute stillness that comes only with not knowing how fast you are going. As you fall in orbit around the earth, remember your language. Listen to star dust. Trust your fear.”

“laika” by sarah doyle / “Brave little cosmonaut, caught and collared, Earth no more than a distant ball with which you cannot play.”

“laika” by adrian sobol / “If there is light, it’s pressing down on you. Something stirs inside it.”

“first the dog” by zbigniew herbert / “awkwardly we bump into stars / we see nothing we hear nothing / we beat with out fists on the dark ether / on all the wavelengths is a whining”

you are welcome to add more poems to this post if you have any in mind to recommend.

[thearmyofgrunge]

Artwork by Matt Kahn

[cosmically-alive]

in all the jokes we made, and all the shyness that remained, there was black hair and brown eyes in the back of my mind.

in all the texts we shared, and the happiness everywhere, there was something left behind in the back of my mind.

because i would change the world for you and you would never have a clue

and if i could do anything, it would be, surprisingly, running away from you

because i've been drawn to you, yet you've pulled me in all directions

because I've been bound to you, yet you've washed my skin away

if i were allowed one regret for loving you, i would take it, like a secret, to my grave

[cosmically-alive]

oh what a juxtaposition it is to hear that no one will love you until you love yourself.

because it is both true and untrue.

i have learned to love myself through the eyes of those who dared love me, but i have also been able to feel that love so much more brightly once i learned to love myself.

it's not that no one will love you if you do not love yourself, it's that you will allow people to love you incorrectly for as long as you do not love yourself

[cosmically-alive]

Tainted skies of rubies

and falling rains of gold

cannot compare

to the beauty of your soul

[cosmically-alive]

i hold this video dear in my heart for very different reasons than i used to. i used to hold it dear to my heart because it was one of few times i felt that the person i loved had admired me. now i love it because im seeing myself through those eyes, full of admiration for myself, full of bittersweetness at how much i miss her... her who saw the world full of beauty and hope and saw the best in people, but also full of pride for the person ive become, how ive persevered through so much and still manage to hold on to an inkling of her, of who i used to be.

how although ive had to put my pieces back into place, and how i can tell i'll never have her again, i'll never BE her again, i have finally started to feel some of her with me, buried, but she's in there and she sends me little pangs of hope and sweetness and laughter. and she soothes me when im angry and bitter and hurt and feel broken and want to tear at the seams..soothes me when i want him to hurt how he did me. she reminds me to love people, to romanticize my life, because thats always been part of me and no one can take it away from me.

i realize now i've been fighting the most for her... to bring HER back.. the nights ive cried and told my therapist i want to be happy again, the time ive spent feeling like something is out of place has all been because i lost her, no, because she was taken from me, stripped. i raised my younger cousin telling her made up fantasy stories that we would then play pretend of. we'd be princesses, warriors, fairies, villains... the patio of my grandparents house would burst with color and breeze and otherworldliness. in summers when i'd spend time at my family's beach apartment with my parents i would swim in the pool by myself and pretend, genuinely imagine, a sea of mermaids and talking sea animals, the world was bright, playful, warm

and the more i grew the more i felt i had to leave this behind, to tether myself to a reality of grey... the same sinking feeling that convinced me when i was with the person who was bringing me down most that that's normal, that that grey and sinking feeling is part of adulthood

i watch that video and it warms my heart to see her, to know that at least in that moment she felt happy, and loved, and admired. i want that for her again. i want that for me too. i may be more prickly, less trusting, hurt, bitter, angry at the world but i, we, deserve happiness regardless. she's with me and always will be. and although i wont be what she was anymore, she taught me so much love and understanding and beauty... she taught me to live my life because its the one chance i get to be cosmically alive. she taught me to see a world beyond the one i live in, to imagine, to escape. she taught me to love and to do so unconditionally, with a huge cowarding fear of rejection and abandonment, but nevertheless unconditionally. she taught me to smile, and to be loud... as if being quiet would make the cosmos forget her existence. she taught me to laugh and to hurt when my presence bothered others because she only wanted joy for those around her even when she didn't know how to bring it

and i will fight for her. i will fight for the pieces of her that no one was able to take from me, that are still here with me. by god im gonna fight for her if its the last thing i do. and with my newfound prickliness and lack of trust, with my newfound anger and fire and frustrations, i will protect her. and maybe one day both our wounds will heal enough to meld us back together again. maybe one day i'll fully feel her again, here with me. till then. i'll fight