I was feeling much shittier than normal today, but I finally dragged myself to the gym. Normally I only lift weights, but today I thought some cardio might help my mood. So, I picked out a stairmaster and climbed aboard. I turned on my music, chose my desired settings, and began my stationary ascent. This is great! I feel better already.
Just a few minutes into my cardio success, I notice that CNN is on the TV right in front me and on several other TVs in the cardio area as well. I couldn’t hear the anchor, but based on the captions and the chyrons, I knew the topic of discussion: Trump.
I quickly duck my head. This is exactly what I am trying to get away from. Why can’t I escape? Maybe if I keep looking down I’ll be okay...no, I still know it is there. I look back up and instead of the anchor, the TVs are now all flashing photos of George W. Bush, Steve Bannon, and Trump.
Everywhere I turned my eyes in that instant, those images attacked my psyche. It felt like a scene in a movie. I started hyperventilating and tears blurred my vision. I almost tripped on the stairs and decided I needed to get away. I slammed the stop button, grabbed my shake and my phone, and bolted for the door.
Once I got outside, I realized the panic attack was not subsiding and I didn’t have anywhere to go because my car keys were still inside. I couldn’t go back in the state I was in, so I walked to the end of the building where I parked and leaned against my car, desperately trying to control my breath. I thought about calling my boyfriend, but decided against it. That would only unleash the emotions out in the open for everyone to see.
I figured the best thing that I could do was run back in and get my keys. Then I could at least get to my car and escape to my house, where I never should have left in the first place. I gathered myself the best that I could and went back in. I averted my bloodshot eyes from the gym staff and walked toward the cubbies where I put my keys. But then something interesting happened.
I walked past my keys and back into the gym. I scanned the perimeter of the weight area and felt a wave of relief seeing that there weren’t any TVs on the walls. I took some more deep breaths and sat down at a weight machine. I turned on some metal, loaded the weights, and pulled until my mind was blank.
tfw you wake up at 2:30am to go pee and find your cat in a battle royale with a gigantic bug in the bathroom then he successfully maims it so that you may deliver the final blow and pee in peace and you decide that you want to marry your cat.
My psychiatrist told me I need to stop smoking weed so I can be more motivated, but sometimes a fat bowl is all that gets me out of bed in the morning.
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