Time to throw in my 2 cents which is probably the sort of action that led to this sort of anon ask anyway.
I hate people who are tongue-in-cheek “I hope you get better.”
I know you don’t give a shit about me. In fact, if I blogged about some of the people who hurt and betrayed recently, you’d probably righteously laugh to yourself about how I deserve it.
But what you wouldn’t laugh at is seeing a 5 year old hide their younger sisters in between a bed to shelter them from the violence and abuse in the house.
You wouldn’t laugh at a 5 year old getting in between their parents, crying and screaming and pleading with them to stop.
You wouldn’t laugh at an 8 year old writing a will for the possibility that they may kill themselves.
You wouldn’t laugh at a 10 year old crying and holding their cat, begging and asking this creature “you still love me, right?” or stroking the fur of their prematurely dead rabbit, knowing that was one of two things gone that they thought loved them.
You wouldn’t laugh at a 12 year old cornered by their own mother, screaming and crying to please, PLEASE GOD LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE! I’M BEGGING YOU! I’LL BE GOOD I SWEAR I WON’T DO IT AGAIN! JUST STOP PLEASE I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING PLEASE I’M TRYING TO BE GOOD PLEASE MOM PLEASE I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG AGAIN I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I WAS SELFISH PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP I’LL DO ANYTHING I’LL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I CAN’T BREATHE PLEASE JESUS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
I’LLBEGOODI’LLBEGOODI’LLBEGOODI’LLBEGOOD
I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BE GOOD
Blubbering and screaming and choking and feeling their fucking soul be torn out.
Only to be told that never happened.
You wouldn’t laugh at a 13 year old feeling so weak they start choking on their own breath from a lack of power and thinking they may die.
None of the shit I’ve been through excuses any of my negative behavior. In fact, it’s a god damn miracle I’m not more “cruel” than I am. But what you see and are looking at is the externalized rage of someone who has been through incredible suffering and somehow survived.
You just see me as a bad person because I probably offended you somehow. Yeah, I can be cruel and have problems regulating my anger but I frequently apologize for it and work on it. I can tell you don’t give a shit because you assume that its the fact that I copypasta: must fucking hate myself that I am “cruel.” I’ve been through and overcome a lot of shit in my life and some shitty anon doing a shitty job giving a fuck isn’t gonna do anything.
No. Let me explain something, and I’m not going to condone it. Growing up I was weak and powerless, abused by loved ones, isolated from everyone. Being an 8, I feel protected and empowered by my anger. Yeah, on the inside I’m a broken kid. Never hid this fact. But what people like you don’t seem to get is this faux “I give a shit” only makes people like me angry. It makes me want to crush people like you. I don’t, because I have an idea of what control is and so the result is something more of a watered-down anger response.
If this anon were really meant to demonstrate true compassion, you wouldn’t be hiding in anon.
Fortunately, I have loving, understanding people that are helping me heal slowly from the lacerations which have marked my life, my mind, my heart and my body.
So this essay goes out to my followers who don’t always behave the best and are healing. Usually, I’d ignore something like this but this is a good chance to express myself.
And if you’re young and going through what I just dictated, I’ll let you know that you can survive, and you will. And you won’t be perfect because no one is.
There are people like this in the world that are selfish and will mark conflict as cruelty and abuse.
Ignore these people and keep on keeping on.