Signs of Online Grooming
WHAT IS GROOMING?
Grooming is when someone builds your trust and makes a connection with you to get you to do something sexual or illegal and/or for trafficking an individual. Grooming can happen to anyone, and it is never your fault.
Someone could be groomed by someone they know, by a stranger or by a person they met online. That person could be older, the same age, or even someone who's in a position of authority over you like a teacher or sports coach.
Anybody can be a groomer, no matter their age, gender or race. Grooming can take place over a short or long period of time – from weeks to years.
Sometimes groomers will pretend to be someone younger than the child to gain the trust of a "peer". They might target one child online or contact lots of children very quickly and wait for them to respond.
Existing relationships may be exploited by a groomer
Online groomers are not always strangers. In many situations, they may already have met the victim through their family or social activities and may use the internet to build rapport with them. Sometimes children don’t realise they’ve been groomed and think that the person is their boyfriend or girlfriend.
Because grooming involves using trust against people, it can be hard to recognise when it’s happening.
Who's at risk
Any child is at risk of being groomed. And it's important to remember that both boys and girls can be groomed.
Some children are more at risk of grooming, particularly those who are vulnerable. Children in care, with disabilities or who are neglected can be targeted by groomers. Groomers will exploit any vulnerability to increase the likelihood a child or young person will become dependent on them and less likely to speak out.
While these tactics are used most often against younger kids, teens and vulnerable adults are also at risk.
The relationship a groomer builds can take different forms. This could be:
- A romantic relationship
- As a mentor
- An authority figure
- A dominant and persistent figure.
Grooming can happen anywhere you meet people online, including:
- Social media and messaging apps
- Dating sites
- Video and group chat apps
- Online games
Remember that the photos, videos and even text someone else sends to you might not always be real, it could have been stolen from someone else or faked using AI tools. Nobody has the right to pressure you or make you feel like you should do something you wouldn’t do normally.
If a child is not active on social media, they may be at a lower risk of being exposed. However, remember groomers don’t just use social media to talk to children. They also use chat rooms, online communities, gaming sites and dating apps.
Types of Grooming
There are lots of different reasons someone might groom another person. They might try to:
- Have sexual conversations or share sexual messages
- Get someone to send nudes or sexual images or videos
- Take part in live streams or video chats that become sexual
- Pressure or threaten someone into selling drugs, hurting other people or doing something illegal
- Blackmail someone into giving money, sharing images or giving out personal information
- Meet up in person, or travel somewhere new.
SIGNS OF GROOMING
Grooming can involve:
Asking you to keep things secret
This could include being told not to tell anyone, that it’s special between you two or that other people won’t understand. You might be asked to keep it secret to show you trust them.
Groomers may ask you to move your conversation somewhere more private, like WhatsApp or Snapchat, or ask you not to tell anyone that you are chatting. They might say you’ll get in trouble if you don’t keep your chat a secret.
Trying to find out things about you
Someone might ask you which room you’re in and whether anyone else can see your device. This it to stop anyone who might want to help you from finding out.
They send lots of messages.
They send lots of messages in a short period of time, sometimes across different platforms.
They avoid video or phone calls.
They say their camera or phone is broken. This might be a sign that they’re hiding who they really are. Even if you do see someone on camera, be aware that it is still possible that the video you saw was fake.
Sending you sexual messages or images
This might be small at first, like asking you whether you’ve ever kissed anyone or saying how much they like your body. Someone might share images with you and ask you to share them back.
Giving you gifts or compliments
Giving gifts or making you feel good can be a way to make you feel like you owe them and can make it harder to resist when they ask you to do something sexual or illegal.
Making you feel isolated
Saying that you can’t trust other people or stopping you from telling anyone else can make it harder for you to get support. People do this because they know other people will help you.
Threatening you
If someone’s gotten you to share something about yourself or do something, sometimes they might threaten to tell other people about what’s happened. It’s important to remember that this is abusive, and it’s never okay.
They try to blackmail you.
They say that something bad will happen or they’ll stop talking to you if you don’t do what they tell you to. If you’ve already sent images and videos to them, they might threaten to share these with other people.
Things are too good to be true
People who groom others will try to meet their needs as a way to get what they want. They seem to share all of your interests, agree with everything you say, and pay you lots of attention and compliments. They might be trying to make you feel special to gain your trust. Even if someone’s making you feel good at times, it’s important to get support if they’re asking you to do something sexual or illegal.
STAGES OF GROOMING
Friendship Forming Stage: Targeting and Gaining Trust
The friendship forming stage is composed of conversations in which the predator tries to get introduced to the child. The predator may pretend they share the same interests or hobbies. Predators target vulnerable children – those who are needy, unhappy, unable to talk about abuse, or have less parental oversight. Next, the predator will gather information about the child and the child’s family to gain the child’s trust over time.
Example: Predator exchanges information with the child or parent to get personal contact information, such as email addresses or usernames for social media sites. Additionally, the predator inquires about the relationships in the household.
Relationship Forming Stage: Filling the Child’s (or Family’s) Needs
After gaining access to the child, the predator starts forming a relationship by talking to them about family and school life. Next, the predator fills some sort of need that the child or the family has to ingrain himself into their lives. This may be monetary in nature; for example, a single mother struggling to pay the bills may receive cash or offers to take care of bills. Groomers may also give advice or show understanding.
Predators may also fill a child’s desire for attention by buying them gifts, taking them places, etc. Be extra cautious if someone you haven’t known long offers to help in an overly generous manner.
Example: The predator tries to know more about the interest and hobbies of the child so that they can exploit them. They deceive the child into believing they are in a relationship. At this stage the predator gives soft compliments, calling them “sweetie,” “cutie,” etc.
Risk Assessment Stage: Gauging the Level of Threat
The predator at this stage tries to gauge the level of threat and danger the caregivers pose. They ask questions to see how closely the child is monitored online and in real life. They try to gauge how close the child is to the family and whether their actions will be reported and believed.
In an interview with two child sex offenders, WBIR 10NEWs reported that one of the top deterrents for predators were adults who monitor the electronic communications of the child. Close relationships, close monitoring, and a child who has been warned about predators are huge threats to a predator.
Example: Predators will ask questions like, “Are your parents around?” and “Who else uses the computer?” or “Can you delete your chats?” and “Do your parents monitor your online accounts?”
Exclusivity Stage: Isolating the Child from Others
At this stage, the predator tries to gain the trust of the child completely. The predator asserts that they share a special bond. Often the concept of love and care are introduced.
A predator will look for opportunities to spend time alone with the child. They will often use sly tactics to create these situations and use this time to further reinforce the idea of a special relationship. Groomers will try to make children feel dependent on them, thus, giving the groomer power and control over them. The predator wants the child to think they care more about the child than anyone else, and they have a special bond.
Examples: Feelings of love and exclusiveness are expressed by the predator. Strong compliments are given. They will say things like, “You are a sweetheart,” or “You are so cute when you look like that,” or “I feel a deep connection with you I don’t feel with anyone else.”
Sexual Stage: Desensitizing the Child
During the sexual stage, predators ask questions about the child’s sexuality. They will ask things like, “Are you a virgin?” or will talk about masturbation. Some pedophiles talk in great depth about sexual activities with the child to desensitize them to the language and content. They do this to prepare the child for actual physical interaction.
Predators have been known to show children pictures of other children without their clothing in order to make it appear “normal” and “natural.” Some even take the child swimming naked together in an effort to play to the child’s natural curiosity. The predator may introduce porn videos.
Conclusion Stage: Controlling the Child and Situation
The whole aim of the previous stages is to arrange real-life meetings. While these may occur in earlier stages with innocent meetings in public places, in the later stages, it is about meetings in private to initiate abuse and sexual contact.
The conclusion stage occurs when the pedophile begins the physical abuse. Once it begins, they will go to great lengths to maintain control. In most cases, the offender uses secrecy, blame, and even threats to keep the child from saying anything.
The predator’s goal is to maintain the child’s participation, all while hiding it from everyone else.
Examples: A predator will ask questions in this stage like, “Are you able to meet up with me alone or do your parents always have to know everything?” or “Can you sneak out of your house and meet up at a McDonald’s for a treat” or “When we meet I can’t wait to hug you and kiss you” or “Can you walk to our meeting place or is there a place away from your house I can pick you up in my car?” Questions like this ensure the child comes alone and the predator controls how they meet.
An informative study by the Indraprastha Institute of Information Technology found that a predator does not necessarily move sequentially through the stages. They also discovered that the relationship forming stage is the most dominant online grooming stage. In other words, more than one stage can be in process at once, and predators do not necessarily go in any particular order.
Furthermore, The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Command, or CEOP, explains that predators will also maintain control of the child by blaming the child, or bargaining with the child (i.e., saying that if the child does what the predator asks, the predator will stop asking—this is a lie).
A study by the IWF revealed that a large number of children were being groomed, coerced and blackmailed into livestreaming their own sexual abuse over webcams, tablets and mobile phones.
A UK study by Psychologist Cristina Izura at the University of Swansea revealed that online groomers rarely pose as children and can succeed in persuading a child to meet in less than an hour.
The study also showed that there is not one kind of online groomer but different profiles that groom children in different ways. Online groomers use language to build trust, isolate and remove a child inhibitions towards sexual behaviour.
A child is unlikely to know they've been groomed. They might be worried or confused and less likely to speak to an adult they trust.
The truth is grooming signs can be difficult to spot. This is because sexual predators tend also to befriend parents and caregivers.
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