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@craftbastards
You searched for: CraftBastards! Discover the unique items that CraftBastards creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global community o
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You searched for: CraftBastards! Discover the unique items that CraftBastards creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global community o
Itâs officially hoodie season...I think?
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Tank tops? We got em!
You searched for: CraftBastards! Discover the unique items that CraftBastards creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global community o
We did a thing...
You searched for: CraftBastards! Discover the unique items that CraftBastards creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global community o
Scotch Ale (Farnham)
Brewery : Farnham Beer : Scotch Ale Style : Scotch Ale / Wee Heavy Variance : None
8.5 / 10
We live in a seriously fucked up and scary world. I know what you might be thinking but I assure you I am not talking about terrorism, politics, global warming (itâs real bitches), the increase in open racism, and the inevitable nuclear war that will end our species as we know it, Iâm talking about dairy. Thatâs right, dairy. Itâs terrifying to me that companies actually need to put on their ice cream and whipped cream that âno growth hormones were usedâ because now it makes me think that every other ice cream without that has the hormones in it and thatâs why all these teenage girls have mutant DD boobies. Regardless of what scares the shit out of you on a daily basis, itâs beers like this that help you get through the day with itâs delicious flavors. Also, Iâm sorry you had to go through that little rant with me readers and Farnham but I assure you, if you had this beer in your hand it would have been a little easier to digest. The best way to describe this beer would be if you imagined yourself walking through a beautiful wooded forest and you stumble upon a mattress-soft bed of luscious moss and instead of laying on it you decide to drizzle caramel all over and just stuff your face with fist-fulls of it over and over again. Iâm not sure if that sounds like a good thing or not but I assure you it is. This is sadly my final beer from Farnham but basically any style they take on they own so Iâd highly recommend seeking out their lineup ASAP. If you are a fan of the style or unique brews make sure you pick this up and taste itâs mossy goodness for yourself because itâs definitely a keeper. Rookies, maybe start elsewhere before tasting this because you might not be ready for this yet but eventually youâll sprout your wings and be ready to taste this brew you little butterflies you. Cheers!
Written by: Steve B.
Reward (Goodcity)
Brewery : Goodcity Beer : Reward Style : Double IPA / DIPA / Imperial IPA Variance : None
8.5 / 10
Ok Goodcity, âRewardâ is a bit of a fucking understatement donât you think? This beer is a down right treasure that doesnât have to be dug up or discovered, it just has to be tasted. Goodcity shot me out some delicious brews and I couldnât be happier because their slogan is âSeek The Goodâ and since technically the good sought me out, I basically win all around. Thatâs right you losers, I win! If it makes you feel better, if you pick this up even if you have to seek it out yourself youâll be a winner too so keep that chin up ya big baby. A huge mango and passion fruit flavor starts things off with a candy-like sweetness before some more tropical fruits mix in towards the middle with burst of orange juice and hops before ending with more sweetness and mango to make this one incredibly smooth DIPA. Probably the most impressive thing about this beer is that the 8.5% ABV is more hidden than the dick tucked between the legs of the women Jim Norton sleeps with (I love him) which is awesome because I could probably drink 3 more crowlers of this with ease. For my first beer in these folkâs lineup I must say that the is an awesome first impression and honestly I canât wait to dive in to the 6 pack they sent out because if itâs even close to as good as this, Iâll be happier than a strap on at a lesbian orgy. Anyways, if you live anywhere near this brewery or have ever considered traveling out to Wisconsin for some strange reason, make sure you check these guys out because this beer alone should be the only reason you need so get your asses moving! For first timers this is absolutely perfect because there is hardly any bitterness or acidity to this beer so it could be your perfect stepping stone to level 2 in the IPA game of life. As for you pros, get out there and pick this up immediately because itâs worth your time and taste buds, trust me.
Written by: Steve B.
Everybodyâs Juicinâ (Burgeon Beer Co.)
Brewery : Buregon Beer Co. Beer : Everybodyâs Juicinâ Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : None
9 / 10
God damn Burgeon! This beer comes from these guyâs very first can release along with one other Iâll be reviewing but DAMN! This is one hell of a way to kick off your breweryâs canning program because this beer is fucking bonkers good. What I like even more about it is that somebody finally had the cajones to make a tribute beer to the entire Russian Olympic team, Lance Armstrong, pretty much any baseball player to break the homerun record, half of the WWE, and Sylvester Stallone. Iâm talking about steroids. I love feeling that snake venom travel through my veins while Iâm pumping iron so I can end up looking like one giant mass of muscle with no neck, balls, or personality because it makes me feel like a fucking greek god. Iâm just kidding of course because Iâm a huge pussy and would never give myself a needle or do steroids but I am more than fine with âjuicinâ with this beer instead. A super fucking soft mouthfeel with plenty of tropical fruits and sweetness start things off before some bitterness and acidity mix in reminding you exactly what style you are currently drinking before some white grape juice, melon, and some citrusy goodness wraps things up. I couldnât be more impressed with this beer and if you get the chance to taste this regardless of your drinking level I would highly urge you to take the opportunity because it kicks so much ass. Cheers!
Written by: Steve B.
PS - This review was written in 2017
Whippy (Pulpit Rock / Alluvial)
Brewery : Pulpit Rock / Alluvial Beer : Whippy DIP-AH Style : Double IPA / Imperial IPA / DIPA Variance : None
9 / 10
Iâll tell you what, nothing quite puts a smile on my face like putting on my safari gear, heading out into the wilderness, and discovering new breweries that are creating some bomb ass beers. Now by safari gear I mean camo shorts and a brewery t-shirt, by wilderness I mean the vastness of the internet, and by new breweries I mean Pulpit Rock because this beer is crazy good. These guys teamed up with Alluvial Brewing to create this âwhippyâ imperial IPA and if you arenât aware of what whippy means, itâs what all the cool kids are saying today to describe things that are awesome or radical. Iâm kidding of course because Iâve never heard any kid describe anything as âwhippyâ but that really is one of the definitions so suck it. Besides that, Mr. Whippy is also an ice cream truck company which Iâm also down for because I would love nothing more than to drive an ice cream truck around blasting music from the 30âs while selling this beer to all the local adults who were able to get money from mommy before chasing me down. An acidic and citrus flavor starts this off before some tropical fruit and mango mix in with a hefty bitterness while still staying super smooth before ending with a more abrasive bitterness with a huge resin and pine flavor with a hint of citrus to close. If you are looking for a new brewery to take you away from the 10 or so major haze creators that blanket social media daily, make sure you check these guys out because this beer is fucking awesome and it really deserves to be poured down your throat. If you are a DIPA pro or just a lover of great beer, pick this up because it is flavorful as hell and can hang with the best of them. For you newcomers to the style, come back to this a little later because itâs going to be a bit much for you but itâs definitely worth the work. Enjoy!
Written by: Steve B.
Dadgum IPA (Rahr & Sons)
Brewery : Rahr & Sons Beer : Dadgum IPA Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : None
8.5 / 10
Well yeee hawwww this here is one dadgum good IPA I tell you what. I reckon that this here IPA is bursting with that there dadgum flavor that has all the youngsters losing their dadgum minds. For some reason I canât help but imagine some haggard ass prospector in old ripped up clothes and a long gray beard with less teeth than Turtle Man saying those first two sentences because thatâs just what I picture every old man in the south looking like. Iâm sure every southerner probably pictures us up north wearing skinny jeans with messenger bags and fedoras with suspenders and button down plaid shirts which isnât 100% correct but close enough just like Iâm sure every old racist southerner doesnât look like what I imagine but Iâm probably pretty dadgum close. For my first beer from Rahr & Sons I am already a fan because this is another one of those beers that proves that haze isnât necessarily always better and clear beers can still pack as much flavor as any murky brew. A nice mix of orange and floral hops start things off before some oniony hops mix in dankening (is that a word?) things up with some citrus pops here and there before ending with some pine and grapefruit flavors to finish the job. Once again my only real critique of this beer is that it only comes in a 12oz can which is fucking ridiculous. ITâS 2018 RAHR & SONS! UPGRADE TO 16OZ-ERS! Thatâs all. If you are new to the style I would not recommend starting with this because there is a lot of serious flavors going on that might hurt your wittle dadgum tastebuds. As for you pros, there are no fucking excuses as to why you havenât tasted this or picked it up yet unless of course they donât distribute near you which I guess would be one valid excuse.
Written by: Steve B.
Chocolatte Porter (Evans)
Brewery : Evans Beer : Chocolatte Porter Style : American Porter / Porter Variance : Brewed Using Dark and Chocolate Grains and a Smidge of Coca Nibs and Coffee
8.5 / 10
Giuchie, guichie, yaya dada. Guichie, guichie, yaya here. Mocha Chocolatte Porter. Creole lady Marmalade. Iâm pretty sure those are the lyrics but honestly I never paid too close of attention because I was too busy being mesmerized by Christina Aguilera, Lilâ Kim, Mya, and Pink being dressed up like vintage prostitutes. I would pop my monocle out in a heart beat and slide out of my full body underwear just to get a peek at whatâs under those crazy outfits and if youâre asking what that has to do with this beer⊠the answer is nothing. Ok?! You caught me. Anyways, Evans decided to send out a few bottles for me to review and since this is being written before work I decided to start with Chocolatte Porter so it can give me a little giddy-up and motivation to head into retail hell today which I definitely needed. The artwork alone should be enough to make you want to taste this but the flavor is just as good starting with some dark chocolate and oats before a nice roasty flavor mixes in with some hints of coffee and smoke before ending with almost a faint peanut butter flavor with more of that delicious chocolate to close. If there was a mountain made of coffee and chocolate Iâm pretty sure I would pixelize myself and Minecraft style dig my way right into the center of it and build my forever home where I would live in a constant state of being both horny and overly stimulated until I eventually died from over-masturbation. Thatâs right boys and girls, you can die from jerking off too much so be careful. Is that an actual fact? Guess youâll have to find out the hard way huh? Youâll either end up with arms like Scott Steiner or looking like Chris Cornell so good luck readers! Anyways, this is a fantastic first impression from a brewery I really knew little about besides the fact that they have killer illustrations on their bottles but if this is in any way a sign of whatâs to come from the rest of their stuff, I canât wait to dive in. If this is your first time going black I would definitely recommend snagging this because even though you probably will go back eventually, itâs flavors will have you head over heels in love for at least a little while. As for you pros, get out that pick-axe and head to Chocolate mountain and drink up because you do not want to miss out on this beer. Enjoy!
Written by: Steve B.
Ladies Who Lunch (Stickman)
Brewery : Stickman Beer : Ladies Who Lunch Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : Brewed with Oranges and Champagne Grapes
9 / 10
Fuck. I was hoping I wouldnât like this because Iâve never been too crazy about mimosas because I feel like they were invented for overly rowdy ladies the day after participating in a bachelorette party but I am so sold by this itâs insane. Seriously, Stickman is quickly becoming one of the best breweries in PA and with beers like this, thereâs nothing to stop them. Now comes you, the readerâs part in all of this. You all should be searching their shit out and drinking it and blogging about it and posting it up because these guys should be huge. Seriously, Iâm talking Peter Northâs dick huge and if you donât believe me, taste them for yourself. This beer is extra delicious starting with a smooth citrusy orange juice flavor with just the right amount of hop kick before those grapes join in giving this a nice white wine and champagne flavor really nailing the whole mimosa thing before ending with a nice hop acidity mixed with a citrusy sweetness and some resin to close. Seriously, lunch is no longer just for the ladies because I am taking that shit over if it means I get to sip on this every day because I really donât want to go through life without it anymore. This beer kicks ass so make sure regardless of your drinking level you pick it up, pour it in your favorite champagne glass, and toast to Stickman because they rule. Seriously.
Written by: Steve B.
Double Sess(ion) (Finback)
Brewery : Finback Beer : Double Sess(ion) Style : Witbier / Wit / Wheat Beer Variance : Brewed with Ginger, Chamomile, and Szechuan Peppercorns
8.5 / 10
Where to start, where to start? This is a tough one because I normally am not very into the style because they all basically taste the same but in this case, Finback brought something completely different to the table and I am loving it. When I first saw the can I honestly thought that when I popped the top all of Orgyâs âCandyassâ album was going to play but I was equally as happy when this liquid poured out instead. Also, if youâve never heard that album you either were born at a shitty time OR you just suck. Anyways, letâs just get right to the flavor, shall we? A huge ginger flavor starts things off with some fantastic spiced flavors before some of those classic witbier flavors mix with the chamomile giving this a super interesting and unique taste before ending with more spice and ginger. I donât think Iâve ever had or even seen a Szechuan peppercorn so Iâm not sure if this beer really has their flavor in it but Iâm just going to assume that if they werenât added it wouldnât be as good as it currently is. Even though this is my last Finback beer for now Iâm not too worried because they have officially given me 6 reasons to get my ass to their brewery and get more because everything Iâve tasted from them has been nothing short of amazing. If you want to taste a version of the style that will change your outlook on them forever or make every other version taste way shittier than it originally should, pick this up and enjoy because it is worth your time. Regardless of your level of drinking you definitely need to taste this so stop reading and hurry up and grab this shit ASAP. Cheers!
Written by: Steve B.
2017 Juliett (Revival)
Brewery : Revival Beer : 2017 Juliett Style : Russian Imperial Stout / Imperial Stout Variance : Bourbon Barrel Aged
8.5 / 10
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliett is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she. Be not her maid since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, and none but fools do wear it. Cast it off! It is my lady. Oh, it is my love. Fuck, William Shakespeare was confusing as fuck. Why couldnât he write like a normal dude and just use slang and inappropriate wording? Like a modern Bill Shakespeare would be something like : Hey Juliett, bust those bomb ass titties out while undressing in your window bae because Iâd love to motorboat those fuckers like Animal from the Muppets. This beer has absolutely nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet but instead is named after the infamous cruise missile submarine of the Soviet Navy, K-77. Pretty much, Trump would have a total hard-on for the name of this beer. Get it? The whole Russia thing? A nice dark chocolate and oak flavor start this off with sparks of vanilla and smoke mixing in towards the middle with a nice roast-y bitterness before ending with some chewy coffee flavors mixed with more chocolate and a nice alcohol punch. Iâm super bummed that this will be my last beer from Revival (for now) but Iâm glad I ended it here because this is one huge ass brew that packs so much flavor into this Matryoshka Doll bottle and I couldnât be happier about it. If you are new to the style this is probably not the best starting point because itâs bold flavors really donât shy away from the booze but make sure you come back when ready. For you barrel aged beer lovers, pick this up and chug it down because this 9% ABV goes down easier than a stripper at the top of a greased up pole. Prost!
Written by: Steve B.
Orange Neon (Iron Hart)
Brewery : Iron Hart Beer : Orange Neon Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : Brewed with Oranges and Milk Sugar
8.5 / 10
Ok, I âm going to have to completely disagree with you for a second Netflix. Even though Stella Carlin looks damn good naked, Iâm going to have to burst your bubble and let you know that orange is not in fact the new black but instead, orange is just the new orange and this beer proves it without a shadow of a doubt. I didnât even know these guys existed until about a week ago similar to how I didnât know that the little flap on the paper toilet seat cover actually goes in the front of the bowl to make sure your dick doesnât touch the bowl until a month ago and just like the protector, I canât imagine ever not having Iron Hart in my life again. I am actually psyched that Iâll be moving to PA very shortly because Iâll be that much closer to these guys and the fact that this was canned in a 32oz can makes it that much better. A nice bitter citrusy hop flavor starts things off with some floral bitterness before some straight up Minute Maid OJ joins in sweetening things up and enhancing those citrusy hops before ending with another hop burst with even more orange juice with a great mix of bitter and sweet. This beer is juicy for a completely different reason that hazy IPAs are considered âjuicyâ in that this straight up tastes like a beer-mosa which I am completely fine with except that I already packed my champagne flutes so I canât get the total experience. I was going to type a sad face emoji after that last sentence but then I beat the shit out of myself quick and realized I wasnât a high school girl so I scrapped the idea. Also, you can tell I haven't turned into a high school girl because I havenât locked myself in my room just to stare at myself naked in a mirror for hours on end. Shit, I did it again. That was not supposed to sound like I like looking at naked high school girls because my name is not Jared from Subway. Anyways, this is the perfect intro into IPAs for you newcomers to the style and is a definitely worth seeking out for you pros out there. Enjoy!
Written by: Steve B.
Hayburner (Big Ditch)
Brewery : Big Ditch Beer : Hayburner Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : None
8.5 / 10
So according to Urban Dictionary, a hayburner is âa scandalous rural female bred for her skills in luring country men into her bedroomâ. Thatâs right folks, clearly Darwin had no idea what he was talking about with natural selection or survival of the fittest because we have come to the point where we are just breeding hillbilly fuckers. Iâm going to assume that this beer in no way shape or form has anything to do with those white trash seductresses but it is a damn delicious beer that I am glad I got a 6 pack of. This beer is juicy as fuck starting with a huge tropical fruit flavor followed by some solid mango and guava flavors mixed with a mild bitterness and floral hop flavor before closing out with more citrus and tropical fruit. Iâm pretty damn bummed that these are my last from Big Ditch because they really kicked some serious ass with their care package and I can only hope that these guys blow up ASAP so I can start seeing their stuff closer to me. If you want to jump into the style and almost get an intro into the âNew Englandâ style of IPAs without the haze, pick this up because itâs super smooth and drinkable and the only thing you wonât like is that you can only drink it 12oz at a time. As for you bastard drinking club members, you should of gotten the hint by now that you should be drinking this so get your asses up to NY and snag some cans today! Actually, itâs a little late so maybe just wait until tomorrow.
Written by: Steve B.
CitrAphilia (Lenny Boy)
Brewery : Lenny Boy Beer : CitrAphilia Style : IPA / India Pale Ale Variance : None
8.5 / 10
Whoa there Lenny Boy, you might want to be careful with what you name your beers. You are a little too close to having this beer be named pedophilia which would give a whole new meaning to the name Lenny Boy. Did Lenny get in the back of the van with the alleged âpuppiesâ and âcandyâ? Did Lennyâs uncle get a little too handsy during a boy scout camp out? Luckily the answer to those are both NO and instead all this beer is insinuating is that you may have a serious addition to citra hops which sounds just about right to me. This is my first beer from Lenny Boy and even though these guys split their time between brewing beer and kombucha, they definitely donât lose any quality by dividing up their time. This beer is a great example of that starting with a smooth pine and floral hop burst before a strong but balanced bitterness mixes in with some mild resin and citrus flavors before ending with more pine on the backend with some more citrusy goodness. So far I am all about these guys and I canât wait to dive into the other beer they sent over because it sounds batshit crazy which if you donât know by now, I am all about. If this is your first in the style you should definitely pick this up and let it pop your IPA cherry because it is worth it. As for you dirty bastards who popped your cherries long ago, have some self respect you hussies! Wait no, I mean pick this up you idiots! Much better.
Written by: Steve B.