We really, really donāt acknowledge the banal, disappointing reactions, and what those can do. When my husband came out to my MIL, her reaction was āCan I take some time to think about this?ā and then she never, ever spoke about it again.
My MIL is not an awful person. Sheās a loving mother who carries emotional scars from having been in an abusive relationship with her minister husband for a long time, which has left her with a disabling preoccupation with āWhat might the neighbours sayā in her life, and that often means she makes poor choices without realising it. She loves my husband no less; she didnāt withdraw love and affection from him, didnāt cut him off.
But she chose to pretend it wasnāt happening, and that sent him into a hefty shame spiral we had to work through. A few months later, a stand up routine he did about being bisexual was doing the rounds on Facebook, and despite normally sharing every single routine of his, she rang him to tell him she wouldnāt be sharing that one because āYour brotherās wedding is coming up, and I donāt want it overshadowed by people talking about you and your news.ā
And again, this is not because she rejects him. Thatās an easy narrative, and certainly the one youād assume from the outside. But that, in her own way, was her attempt to protect both her children from negative scrutiny - she truly thought that people would care, and would care enough to make a scene at the wedding, and that would hurt the two of them.
Everyone already knew. Heās a celebrity in his culture. No one cared. But, that was my MILās fear.
And the message it sent, intentionally or not, was āThis is something shameful.ā
Sheās come to terms with it now. But she totally missed her āI love and support you no matter who you areā chance, and left him with a lingering issue. And thatās the sort of story we never see in queer media.
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