For a year and a half before moving to Colorado, I was living by myself. I didn’t have to worry about washing any dishes but the ones that I used, and I only had to worry about myself. It was so wonderful. I was able to walk around nude if I really wanted to. I was free of restrictions.
When I moved to Colorado, I didn’t have a job yet, so I had no choice but to live with others. That actually the only reason that I did move. My friend needed someone to help her with rent, so I came to the rescue. I thought that it would be a breeze. I had lived with many people that were not a great fit for my lifestyle. My friends seemed relaxed like me and not too heavy on the parties. I didn’t see what could go wrong.
Little did I know that living with people again would make me very self conscious. I am aware of everything that I do and most times, I try not to do it. I hide in my room and try not to make any noise. I do not to be a burden to them. This was their place before I moved in and I do not want to impose. They already have their own way of doing things, and my mind tells me that anything I do will just mess that up. I do not want to be the roommate that they roll their eyes at when they hear that I am actually alive and doing something.
As one part of my brain is telling me to just stay in my room and not leave when they are home, the other part is saying that you pay just as much rent as they do and you have a right to use your lights and electrical appliances as much as you would like. You should be fearless in the middle of the night when you want that late night snack or glass of water. If they do not like the way that they do things, then they can find someone else to live with them and help pay the bills.
Since my brain is having this internal battle, I drift awkwardly in the middle of it all. I can not tell you how many times I have turned the volume on my music or movies down because I thought it was too loud, then turned it up because I couldn’t hear it. I would just go back and forth.
Maybe one day I will feel comfortable enough with their ways and my own ways to be almost as free as in my own apartment. I hope that day is soon, because this self conscious tip towing that I am doing is starting to mess with my self esteem that was finally starting to grow after years of being minimal.
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