The Baby Plan

i'm gonna have a baby. here's the plan.

[crazyjanesays]

what do you ask a potential platonic coparent? (pt 1)

what values are most important to you?

what did your grandparents die from?

any mental illness of alcoholism or other addictions in your family?

do you believe in vaccinating?

will you tell the kid santa is real?

what are your thoughts on cry it out? 

do you want to raise your kids with religion?

do you have any “funny uncles” who are actually just creeps your family puts up with?

what does “spoiling” a kid mean to you?

how would you react to a gender non-conforming child?

what do you wanna name your kid?

when should your child get their first job?

should you pay for your kid’s education?

would you ever send your kid to a private school?

when should your kids be allowed on social media?

[crazyjanesays]

i love my RE

had a zoom with my RE today to go over my test results. and 1. everything looks great and 2. he said “i never want you to feel like you are alone during this process.” and just <3. that’s beautiful. like, in most ways that everyone thinks of i AM alone, but at least i do have one teammate!

[crazyjanesays]

picking a coparent

the thing about the trying to pick a coparent is that you can’t really be sure that the way you define coparenting is the same way they define it. so i went through over 500 likes on the app and there were very very few folks looking to coparent. most are dudes who just want to fuck. they say “NI” only, which means natural insemination, which means fucking. and there’s lots and lots of men who are wiling to do that. 

but to raise a baby with? very few people. and so far, none that seem at all like the kind of person i would want to raise kids with. the other thing about this whole process is that you end up spending a lot time thinking of who you could raise kids with. i think about the inevitable middle of the night with a sick kid or two. and while i know i will be able to handle it, i wonder who could handle it with me. who could handle the child and then also possibly handle me freaking out about the child at the same time. 

one of the thought trails that my brain goes down is looking at my friends and wondering what it would be like to raise a kid with them. it turns out that most of my friends i love dearly but know that they would end up murdering me if we tried to raise kids together. and it would be justified. 

[crazyjanesays]

fucking technology

i had more to the last post but it disappeared. fucking a. will try and remember what i said later.

[crazyjanesays]

“just a baby”

if you want to see how weird the world is when you don’t follow the proscribed by capitalism and modern media path, check out the app Just a Baby. there are thousands of people on it. many are lesbian couples asking for sperm. a few are men asking for surrogates or couples looking for embryos or a surrogate. and then a few are folks like me who are looking for coparents. 

[crazyjanesays]

the importance of sperm

knowing that things look good inside means that i now have some really fucking serious decisions to make. i have always wanted a coparent. for most of my childhood the idea was marriage and a husband and kids and just a neat little package. now that is unlikely to happen because the only romantic future i can imagine is really not feasible without something drastic happening. so instead i’m hoping to find a coparent in a completely different way. 

the idea of finding a platonic coparent is only possible because of the folks in the 20th century who forced the world to acknowledge that there are an infinite number of ways to make a family. the neat little package isn’t for everyone. and because of the women who used turkey basters last century, i can now imagine making a family with someone that i have no romantic interest in. i remember watching Grey’s Anatomy and there was one episode with two women who were both pregnant and they turned out to be best friends who were planning on raising the babies together. unfortunately for me most of my friends are either spoken for or not interested in kids. the one friend i had who was also interested in having kids and willing to do it without a romantic partner lives in another state. 

luckily it’s the 21st century so there’re websites and apps and such. unfortunately, the websites don’t seem to have a ton of people on them, as if i missed the boat by about 7 years. there’s an app that’s a couple years old. i’ve heard a couple of folks on the facebook group talking about meeting someone on it, so i am spending time on it this week. 

the day after my RE appt i scheduled an emergency therapy session. she helped me talk through things. she helped me come up with a timeline. if i haven’t found a coparent by the end of 2020 i will go ahead and buy anonymous sperm.  still so many things i haven’t even touched on. 

[crazyjanesays]

On Tuesday the 22 of September I took the first big step. I went to a reproductive endocrinologist to see if my body is going to make it difficult to get pregnant or not. I never thought I would feel proud of my uterine lining, but when the doc said it was "perfect" (for that stage in my cycle), I was thrilled. To find out that my insides look good is an amazing and yet terrifying thing. Suddenly I have to decide when exactly I want to do this. Should I use a credit card to buy some sperm as soon as I get the results of the genetic testing? Should I post on Facebook asking if anyone wants to make a baby with me? Should I wait to try until next fall when I will have had time to save money? It's all so real and amazing and scary.

[crazyjanesays]

Different results...

I haven’t been posting here. I mean. I haven’t posted since last September. So, yet again, here’s another chance to start posting more regularly. What’s that funny definition of insanity??

[hikergirl]

[redrubied]

The truth of this. So so accurate.

[offbeatteacher]

In teaching “You can’t do the Bloom stuff until you take care of the Maslow stuff” - Alan E. Beck “The sad part is that every educator looking at this meme will immediately understand its meaning and extreme relevance, while the non-educators who have been making the educational decisions in this country for the last 40+ years will have no idea what it’s about.”  - Fred Barlam

[mamafox18]

Re logging again because yes.

[crazyjanesays]

setbacks

I’ve recently suffered some major financial setbacks. These were all preventable. I was raised in a financially illiterate household. But I’ve been out of it for fifteen years. I could have done a much better job of educating myself than I have. if i had even started figuring this out a few years ago i might be ready to go ahead and get pregnant this year. i wish i had. 

yesterday i spent 10-5 in a financial informational session. i learned some things i didn’t know before, but really what was helpful was how it reframed some things i had always thought about in a less healthy way. 

but new knowledge doesn’t change my immediate situation. i have a ton of debt. i am doing my best to learn so that i won’t keep making bad decisions. of course, i’m probably about to do something that many would consider really stupid. i have a healthy chunk of cash in a retirement account. taking this money out has two main drawbacks: 30% will go to the government and if i resign up for it i will be losing a slightly cushier “tier.” however, the odds of my current job situation staying the way it is are quite slim. like, i could just leave that money there and let it grow and then i’d have it when i’m old. however, i can’t help but think about how i may never get old. or that if i don’t get out of this debt weight with a drastic measure like this, i won’t be able to have a baby until i’m 40, which medically speaking is a BAD idea. like, maybe this is the stupidest decision ever, but if i do it, then i can pay off a few things and then start paying more on other things and then i will be that much closer to being financially stable and being able to get pregnant. 

i hate thinking about money. it stresses me out like almost nothing else. but i’m really gonna have to get over that if i want to be a responsible parent. i can very clearly remember how stressful it was to live in a household that was always on the brink of some financial catastrophe. even though we always ate and had clothes and such, my parents were chronically stressed about money and it affected everything. i remember how much i hated asking for new things because i knew that they would then have to either sacrifice something else or disappoint me. i also remember how many things were promised to me that never showed up. so many christmas and birthday presents that i would get part of the day of and then the rest would be promised to arrive at some later date when they had money for it. did it ever? nope. and did i speak up and ever ask for these promised things? nope. because i felt bad. i really don’t want my kids to live with that kind of disappointment. that kind of thing can really foster trust issues in a young child. 

once i get out of this debt i can stop living paycheck to paycheck (hopefully). and if i start paying more attention EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY (yelling at myself, not you), then i will be able to actually have some control over this stuff and make smart decisions. 

[wetroomba]

Trans lives matter more than cis feelings. Gay lives matter more than straight feelings. Black lives matter more than white feelings.

Nothing in this world is going to change that. Learning to be an ally is learning to deal with feeling uncomfortable. Its learning how to shut your mouth and listen. Its learning to step down and let a minority raise their voice.

I don’t care if you get your feelings hurt in the process of learning to be an ally. It isn’t about you.

[itsnotjustpms]

How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works. Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight. If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead: “You look so healthy!” is a great one. Or how about, “You’re looking so strong.” “I can see how happy you are – you’re glowing.” Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body. Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one. Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself. Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say, “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself. Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes. Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with. Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture. Teach your daughter how to cook kale. Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter. Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside. Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants. Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.

Sarah Koppelkam (via itsnotjustpms)

To remember

[crazyjanesays]

Lists I am probably on

-people who like iced tea -teachers who think their jokes are funnier than they are -rabid feminists -liberal snowflakes -sarcastic bitches -people with annoying laughs -women with deceptively large breasts -people who think they are fatter than they are -people who think they are skinnier than they are -Brooklynites with less than five tattoos -white women with brown hair and brown eyes who all look alike -white person who doesn't like it when the fact that her face gets really red sometimes is pointed out -poets who peaked in college -millennial who spends too much money on food -nice person who deserves love but is perpetually single did there must be something wrong with her -functional mentally ill people -adults who are signs of the impending doom of this nation because they can't cook or change a tire -crazy cat ladies -women obsessed with babies -people scarred by their childhood -writing teachers who believe in "process" and the Oxford comma -people unusually focused on mla format -people who like pop music -people who don't do their dishes quickly enough -sci fi nerds -the FBI watch list -white people who go to #blm protests

[crazyjanesays]

Bad habits

I’ve mentioned before how this whole becoming-a-parent thing makes me want to eradicate all bad habits and basically become a perfect person. While I know that is impossible, I think it’s not bad to want to become a better person.

One of my bad habits is avoiding stressful issues. I tend to not confront people when they upset me, I don’t open my mail in case there is bad news, I won’t read articles that tell me my favorite thing will kill me. This is why it’s been two and a half years and I still don’t know about my tenure appeal. I am not good at facing things that might upset me.

This is why I don’t stay on top of my finances. I thought I was doing better. I saved up some money over the semester, I got work for my off month, I worked every Saturday at a job I hate. I tried to be responsible. But logging my purchases, checking my balance every day? Not so much. Today I looked at my bank account online and discovered I am short for hundred dollars on my rent. Part of this is because of a couple auto renews I wasn’t expecting, but it all could have been handled much easier if I had been on top of things. Instead, I just had to borrow money from my roommate so our rent is paid.

This is deeply humiliating to me. I have been on my own financially since I was eighteen. My parents never had money I could borrow, so while they paid for some taxis from the airport and groceries a few times, I could never trust that I had a safety net to catch me. One time I borrowed a few thousand dollars but only for a month while I waited for a check to arrive. Last year during this difficult month for adjuncts I actually used my credit card to pay my roommate the money and then he paid me back on venmo which I could then transfer to my bank account. I call myself a hustler because I fucking hustle to make sure my bills are paid and I’m living the life I want. To fail at that because I didn’t have the guts or discipline to check my bank account every day and stay on top of my finances is a fucking punch to the head.

When I stopped to get the cash from my roommate I decided to use the change from the bottom of my purse to buy an iced coffee because it’s hot as balls outside and I’m wearing too much clothes. Everything was business like and unemotional as he handed me the cash. But then he got up to get my coffee because the barista was outside. And he doesn’t work there and was just kindly getting me a coffee and I started bawling. Just typing it made me tear up again.

I know I am not a failure. I know that this doesn't mean I won't be a good mother. But I also know it means I need to get my fucking act together. No more excuses. No more avoidance. I really can't be dealing with this kind of shit and the stress of a newborn.

[crazyjanesays]

time

i know that i am lucky. right now I have tons of time on my hands. I can (and do) spend days watching tv shows. But really, I can’t stand having this much free time. I’m trying to appreciate it because of The Plan. Soon I won’t have long empty hours like this. Soon I will have a crying, screaming, pooping infant who will fill my house with STUFF. Soon I will never again be so unencumbered. I am trying to appreciate it, hoard up the silence, peace, and freedom, but it really doesn’t work that way. The best I can do is try and use the free hours to get ready for baby.

[thesarcasticenglishteacher]

Confidence Mantra

For all of those who are tired of their own negative self talk, frustrated with themselves or just wants to read some sweary, vaguely inspirational fuckery. 

MY INEXPERIENCE IS NOT WEAKNESS.  

OTHERS’ SUCCESS OR SKILL DOES NOT MEAN I AM UNSKILLED OR UNSUCESSFUL. SUCESS IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. 

OTHERS MAY BE DONE GROWING AND LOOK DOWN ON ME FOR STILL GROWING. THEY CAN KISS MY ASS WHEN I PASS THEM. 

JUST BECAUSE OTHERS ARE BETTER THAN ME, IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM BAD. 

CONFIDENCE IS QUIET. ALSO THE LOOK ON EVERYONE’S FACE WHEN THEY REALIZE YOU’RE COMPETENT IS FUCKING GLORIOUS.

SOMETIMES ITS OK TO CRY OVER STUPID SHIT AND EAT LEFTOVER PIZZA. THEN YOU GET BACK UP AND DO THE STUPID SHIT. 

BE FUCKING NICE TO YOURSELF.