Going back home is good. I recently realized that growing up, a lot of mine and my sisters' problems stemmed for being too shy or afraid to ask for little things, like food we wanted to buy, confronting or talking to others, or just asking to hang out - with good reason because of bad experiences in the past. (In my case, too oblivious, insecure, and dumb to realize anything socially, and never supporting my own point of view. I used to call myself "the loner" because I was split between so many worlds. I always felt like I was “the extra” or sometimes felt like I was this demon walking around that people disliked.) But everyone has these insecurities, it was all in my head, and I never realized I was unhappy.
I finally learned how to have fun, relax (without anxiety), and socialize (although I still can't "pick up the new lingo") :P and get out of my "work" zone - which acted as trances. Although I would not be myself without my love for working on art, I now realize that I have been doing it wrong - it did not come out of love (thank you S8 and NLMG for making me remember) and I was in my little world all the time that there are a lot of wonderful people here I missed the chance to laugh and hang out with. But when I see the people who cared and we're all smiles, I feel existent and it feels good. Even the people who I weren't friends with, knowing that we tried to talk to each other makes me I feel less empty and at home. Maybe while I was troubled, I had forgotten, but now I finally understand affection?
And although barely anyone could find this message: I want to say thank you, my friends in college for helping me realize this. And thank you my parents, siblings, and friends who are still here or have ever cared about me. This formerly cold hearted machine wants to say that I understand and value you all too.
There are still some people I want to hit up, because we grew up together and I miss them. I will put my binge watching schedule on hold so I don't lose these people I need to remember who I am.
Year 18 has been a good year for me, and although 2016 has been shit to everyone, I think it helped bring people together and made us stronger. As a person who never stood up for themselves at very important moments, I realize that my values matter and that I should not be afraid or ashamed at myself for anything. It is about time, and I've finally woken up as a "strong, confident woman". I will become the person I have always dreamed to be, and I will respect myself as much as I respect others as well.
(Last year, I had three birthday wishes: 1) that I would make a film that made people laugh - thank you Team Grass, 2) that my sister would get into her dream school, and 3) that I would fix myself and come back improved. Thank you universe for helping it come true.)
It’s almost time to come up with 3 more wishes, and if any of y’all know me in real life, hit me up if you want to hang or talk or anything!
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