tumblr dot com
Love Begins
Cosmic Funnies
Origami Around
TMBGareOK. The Official They Might Be Giants tumblr
Sade Olutola
cherry valley forever
PR's Tumblrdome
oozey mess
Noah Kahan
macklin celebrini has autism
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
h
RMH
Fieri Frames
The Bowery Presents
#extradirty
art blog(derogatory)
untitled
if i look back, i am lost
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Malaysia
seen from Vietnam
seen from Denmark
seen from Malaysia
seen from Türkiye
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Australia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Germany
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from France
seen from Bangladesh
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from Spain
seen from Germany
seen from Belgium
@crfragilearmistice
REMASTERED IN HD! Music video by Hoobastank performing Same Direction. (C) 2004 The Island Def Jam Music Group #Hoobastank #SameDirection #Remastered #Vevo
So why does there only have to be one correct philosophy? I don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them And why are you always telling me what you want me to believe? I'd like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end
When you love someone so much, you don't want to leave them in the dark. It might hurt at first but the intimacy that comes with it completely overshadows it.
Anonymous, Week 16: Amends
But first a prayer...
01/26/20 @ church
You have a plan for all of us. Its beyond our understanding no matter how stressful or how much it hurts. As Christians, it is our lifelong effort to remind each other not only to trust you but to recognize where you are in our lives. Bless Rin and Mom for striving to do both those things everyday. Its a burden that both of them are facing and may the Holy Spirit continue to burn strong in them. Their faith inspires me and always am I in awe of the enduring spirit that they have through You. Faith begets faith and I’m praying now too, with a heart full of faith, that you’ll deliver them through their struggles and breathe peace into their hearts.
Thy will be done.
Adulthood is going to work when you’re sick because you used all of your sick days when you weren’t actually sick.
My sick day usage in a nutshell in the 2018-2019 fiscal year lol
I remember those days when I would lose composure before even reaching the parking lot at the start of a work day. I would pull over down the street and give myself 20 min. If I couldn’t reel it in, then I would simply U-turn and go somewhere where I could write in my journal (and cry). A good chunk of my journal entries took place on days like that where my mind would snap before the day could even begin. It is in this setting where I’m especially thankful for CR. I got closer to the ladies in CR, I began to trust them enough where I felt safe enough to call or text them instead of silently going somewhere to be alone. Being alone with your thoughts is a dangerous thing when you’re under attack. No matter how much of a mess you are, how unstable you feel, how unpredictable you are, never opt to be alone when there is someone out there who GETS you. Push your pride down and call someone.
One of the hardest things to resolve to do is to decide that you’re done with suffering alone.
God is a God of inconvenient truths; 01/02/19
6:01pm @ Starbucks, Mint Majesty
HEAR ME OUT!!
“There was a time where I didn’t mean this in a good way... but thankfully now I do... God is a god of inconvenient truths. If you pray and walk with Him long enough, the more inevitable it is to re-encounter and re-deal with the muck and shackles and traumas of your life. Except that this time, God is there to walk you through it. Even if the pain is all you can think about, Jesus, God, and godly people are there to remind you...”
Looking back on 2019 is full of reminders of people and places and moments where I absolutely knew God was real, that God was watching over me, and that God had a plan. Even when its fleeting, remember that those good feelings are of God. I pray that you all had a wonderful holiday season and that for better or for worse, you have a friend in God in 2020 and forever long after that.
I love and hate how one 15 min conversation can eliminate days or weeks of doubt, self-loathing, and paranoia.
09/23/18
The Anxiety - English dictionary
You grow up being told to take care of yourself because you only get one pair of eyes, one pair of ears, one set of teeth... could the same have been said about the mind? Anxiety is a distorted reality that prompts distorted thoughts and eventually panic. The key word is “distorted” though. Does that mean that my mind has been healthy all along?... or has my mind been slowly breaking down like how hearing and eye sight do?
- 09/19/18
For years, crafting my feelings into cohesive sentences was near impossible (hence why I would eventually stop trying to explain my feelings to people). This surreal disconnect between my brain and the English language was a stubborn barrier that I learned really quickly was something that needed to change. The good news was that there was an exception to that problem - the WRITTEN English language. In life before CR, the only time I was able to make sense of anything was when I took the time to put it on paper - its why i’m the journal-keeping blogger you see today.
CR journaling took things to a whole new level and re-trained my brain to go further: to not only put words on paper but to challenge them. It was about a year ago, when I started my CR journey that I began to look at myself in the mirror in a way that I never did before.
It was in a second-guessing sort of way where you decide if this is really the right way to go about life.
Ask yourself those questions. It’s more important than you realize.
I did not know...
I did not know God to be my Healer until I fell and found that I had scars in need of healing.
I did not know God to be my Strength until I found that life left me too weak to take another step.
I did not know God to be my Friend until I entered seasons of silence where His voice was waiting patiently to be heard.
I did not know God to be my Lover until earthly loves left my heart bruised and battered.
I did not know God to be my Comforter until I was forced beyond my limit into uncomfortable places.
I did not know God to be my Miracle Worker until I faced hopeless situations that required supernatural breakthrough.
I did not know God to be my Leader until every direction I headed came to a dead end and left me stuck.
Perhaps, just maybe, I did know God until I realized that I was not.
STEP 1: Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
“Happy are those who know that they are spiritually poor” - Matthew 5:3a
CR Week 1 - Denial, Part 2 of 2, 09/19/18
The following are my answers to the CR workbook. Clarification: when I say “medication”, I mean my anti-anxiety medicine.
5. What was the “family secret” that everyone was trying to protect. - There weren’t any. I grew up aware of most of the problems going on in the family including divorce, infidelity, gang violence, cousins doing prison time, etc.
6. How do I handle pain and disappointment? - PRE-medication = distraction = boyfriends, school, porn, keeping myself occupied all day everyday
- POST-medication = outbursts I handled my pain now by allowing myself to feel it wherever I may be (in bed, in the car, with the few friends I told everything to). I let myself cry as loudly and as long as I needed to. As for anger, I would just walk around all huffy and not say a word to anyone.
As for disappointment it depends... - If i’m disappointed in myself, I’m very harsh on myself - replaying the moment repeatedly while agonizing over how that could’ve played better. - If I’m disappointed in someone else, I keep it to myself I’ll daydream though about what I would say to them if I did speak up.
7. How do I address my denial? - With the help of this program, I’m developing the confidence to talk to people directly related to my denial over my feelings about different things (childhood traumas, bad parenting, etc.)
8. How am I beginning to face the reality and break the effects of denial? - I’m slowly opening up more to my mom, Rin, and my friends versus facing my thoughts alone. - Journaling... everything. Especially the things I don’t have the courage to face out loud yet.
CR Week 1 - Denial, Part 1 of 2, 09/19/18
The following are my actual answers to the CR workbooks.
1. What areas of my life do I have control over? I have control of my time and where I go, I have control over getting therapy and getting the treatment that I need; and I have control over how open or private I want to be with people
2. What areas of my life are out of control and unmanageable? - I have no control over HOW, WHEN, or WHY I get so emotional... it can be unpredictable and I feel helpless as it intensifies - I have no control over the void my father left behind when he divorced my mom - I have no control over how stagnant, heavy, tired, and emotionally closed off my household has been lately - I have no control over my impulsive use of pornography (not as bad as before but definitely still there...)
3. How will taking the first step (denial) help me? - accountability - speaking out loud about things I’ve only ever told to about 3 people in life.
4. As a child, what coping skills did I use to get attention or protect myself? To get ATTENTION: - I molded and re-molded and re-molded myself again and again to be someone likable. - I would make and give away trinkets or treats to people I wanted to be friends with. To PROTECT myself: - lots of imaginary friends or talking to myself in dialogue - watched lots of movies and immersed myself in those cinematic worlds - jewelry making, baking, and Barbies - my mom had my brother and I keep journals from the time I started 2nd or 3rd grade.
Anxiety attacks are a special kind of existential crisis
09/19/18
Not having emotions in check ruins lives no matter how smart, successful, ambitious, and well-intended I am.
09/16/18
Emotionally neutral but fragile. Lonely but withdrawn All day long. I'm okay until that one moment. That one moment. A thought, a careless mistake, a casual, harmless moment. The light fades while a dark chasm opens. I blink and its already gripped me before I can fight. It drags me but not quietly into the night. I'm kicking and screaming and clawing and reaching. Reaching... Beseeching.
09/14/18
Crown The Empire - Under The Skin I keep running away from myself, I keep telling myself that I’ll change.
How much am I going to have to sacrifice? How many miles do I need to run and how many pages and how many tears will it take to win?
09/13/18
My Very First Day of CR - 09/12/18
I’m here... at the first life group I’ve participated in since my last church. I needed this. Not sure in what way but I expect that I’ll figure that out over the next few hours.
Don’t get me wrong though. Even though the worst is past me, I have a lot of recuperating to do. In this moment, I’m emotionally fragile, aimless, possessed by wanderlust, and maybe a little afraid. In the day, I still cry randomly from time to time... in a sort of way that allows me to drain out the insanity.
People have been walking in one by one as I’ve been writing and I have a feeling.
I thought I’d be a lot more nervous about this but I was able to settle in. They all understand the many faces of pain and fear. Its so sad to admit this but even though its gotten more acknowledgement and attention in the mainstream, the world can still be a cold, awkward, stigmatic place for people with mental health, alcoholism, and all the things that we come together to seek recovery from. I felt relief and connection tonight which is what I’ve been needing more of. Because even though the worst of it is gone, I’m still shaken (traumatized even).
09/03/18 - Labor Day
Things seem to be going in a positive anti-Buspar direction... but I’m fearful that the damage has already been done.
For two straight weeks, I failed to keep anything in check... Buspar was just too overwhelming. I’ve failed to cover up my dizziness, my nausea, my hysteria, my detachment, and my multi-paneled mood swings at the one place where I didn’t want it to - my job. Being my best self... not as in “perfect” but to have my best foot forward. Being my best self has always been important to me and as relieved/hopeful as I feel now, I’ve never felt insecure, vulnerable, and compromised at work.
My therapist is probably right that they aren’t thinking about this nearly as much as I am but I’m embarrassed and dreading going back to work tomorrow. The anxious side of me really wishes that they would fire me just so that this rejected feeling would stop... go to another company with a clean slate where they would only see the quality of my work... I honestly can’t say the same about Helat right now.
I always knew mental health was a stigma but God that stigma is so much worse in a cGMP, heavily regulated workspace. Not to say that they’re cold or intolerant... bad things happen to good people like death and divorce, tangible and rational causes of distress. Anxiety and mind-bending reactions to psychological drugs are neither. I’ve never expected anyone to understand because of that reason. Every spoken good intention or act of good will are stopped at the door of my detached, alternate reality. It was excruciatingly lonely these past weeks because of it. As much as I needed help, I didn’t wanna scare anyone.
