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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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@crimson-emotion
I don't have a single thing to keep my mind occupied today. I'll be spiraling while I'm awake and drowning in depression in my dreams. Every day is a nightmare.
I miss smoking weed every day because at least I stopped dreaming mostly.
I'm tired of being angry all day every day
Sometimes parents do not love their children. Sometimes mothers do not love their children. Sometimes fathers do not love their children.
You are never expected to give your parents anything more than how they treat you. You do not owe your parents anything ESPECIALLY if they don’t love you how they should.
I'll never be able to understand how a person can get called out for their behavior for DECADES and still see nothing wrong with it. Someone who isn't narcissistic might say to themselves after a few times, "Hmmm, maybe they're right? Maybe I am the problem?" and then work on fixing the issue.
If my life is just a game, I get to be the one who says, “Game Over.”
Having people who only want to fuck you but not date you is not the compliment you think it is.
If you're showing me I'm the only one who should care about me and how I feel in a relationship, why the fuck should I bother caring about you?
My parents birthed a kid they couldn't deal with or love properly and then I was forced to enter a world where I repeatedly meet people who can't love or deal with me.
I am so fucking sick of my family. Both of my parents have been pushing their immature bullshit on me since I was a child. I am mentally fucked and trying to cope with it daily and they are so fucking self centered they refuse to see they are STILL causing me harm. Last time I snapped on my dad was the beginning of 2020, mere MONTHS after I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt, because he decided to gaslight me in the middle of a grocery store after I made it obvious I wasn't happy to run into him there. He had been gaslighting me in the hospital, which other patients witnessed, and I was so fed up I couldn't hold back anymore. I even went as far as to say I didn't care if he stopped paying my phone bill. I was that fucking done. He uses this tie like a fucking leash and I'm tired of dealing with it. Every time I've had a job the goal was to save money so I can be free of him but nothing I've ever done has ever worked out in my favor.
I've tried my best to keep as much distance as I can these last 5 years, even more so than I previously had. But it's impossible to do effectively when he still pays for the phone. I shouldn't have to put aside my mental health to answer a text or a phone call. Having to respond is distressing and I have enough to deal with. I want to go no contact. NEED to go no contact.
Why the fuck was I put here to suffer with no relief other than death??????????
I love that people will not give a fuck about you and you finally point it out and suddenly you’re the bad guy
Every time my mom acts like a colossal bitch I'm reminded of the time when I was 16 and cut myself deeper than I ever had up to that point because she threw a tantrum because I asked her to pick up food since we didn't really have any to make a meal of. And still...nearly 20 years later she sees nothing wrong with her behavior.
Suicide attempts and desperate attempts to try to get myself out of here because of her. Failing over and over again has killed me for years because I just don't have the means to be independent in any way. And every year something else goes wrong that ensures I'll be stuck until the day I die. I'm ready to go. My health issues won't kill me and I'm livid. They're just an inconvenience taking more of a toll on my mental health.
I need out. Might have to start drinking bleach like it's water because fuck all of this shit. I never went that route before because I knew if I managed to survive I'd have to deal with permanent damage which would just make my life harder.
The only person who really paid attention to my posts lost their account so now I really will be posting into the void 😭 lmao
I even bought myself a new battery in case my old one decides to crap out on me. This one is digital and I can see the battery life as well as how many seconds it heats for.
I had such a bad mental health day yesterday.
I haven't been stoned since January and haven't smoked since last July so I impulsively bought a new vape cart even though I cut back because of all the stomach issues I've been having. But none of these issues are even close to being resolved so I said what the hell. If I'm going to get worse, I'm going to get worse.
With such a low tolerance I smoked myself to the moon with only one hit and could only handle two hits for the night 😂
