A Moment of Almost Unbearable Vision

30, bi/pan, she/her. I write music and poems sometimes and love to learn and share things about religion, history, linguistics, science fiction, fantasy and folklore, music, and art. Just a liberal arts ho with ADHD living her sweet, messy, unremarkable, divine little life.

[kiefbowl]

the most important virtues for the young woman are as follows: time theft, selfishness, orgasms, irreverence to authority, sacrilegious behavior, a questioning mind, and eating regular meals.

[crisishauntline]

Feeling really stupid for preparing like crazy for the two gigs I had this weekend and then making negative dollars from them bc not enough people showed up!

[daggerdoggy]

i'm not good at math but i can find god and sex in places you've never dreamed of

[crisishauntline]

don't wanna be a doomer but i've been feeling futile and idiotic beyond measure lately

[crisishauntline]

Freelance work makes me wish for death

[iliothermia]

i wish everyone following me made enough money to not feel like they were being boiled alive and had the time and energy to clean their room at their own leisure

[crisishauntline]

Last night I dreamed that G and I were still together but I was also dating D. D and I were on a walk and G saw us and looked at me with such heartbreaking confusion. D waved at her and went toward her in a friendly way, not knowing who she was (and that I was betraying both of them). I don't remember what happened next, just the feeling of standing there shocked and guilty and despicable before anyone even had a chance to speak.

I think G's back in my subconscious because of all the executive dysfunction D has witnessed from me this week. Letting her see that part of me feels really vulnerable and scary, even though she's reacted with nothing but support and understanding. It still makes me think of all the conflicts G and I had about it—not that I blame G for how she reacted. I feel so ashamed of my brain/behavior sometimes, especially when it affects others (not coming to bed bc I'm pulling an all-nighter, not being able to follow through on fun plans bc of work that I've put off, losing my keys and making her late to work bc she's helping me look, etc.). Right now I'm at a library supposedly doing editing work but to be honest I've wasted most of the time. I don't know how to work like a regular adult person. The only thing that really works is having someone else work with me the whole time, and that is a very difficult thing to arrange.

Ok, back to it I guess.

[weepingwidar]

Jessie Homer French (American, 1940) - Memento Mori (2022)

[dateamonster]

revealing your scaring the hoes type interests early on in a relationship is a good way to secure only hoes of bravery and fortitude that will craft horrible dreams and beautiful nightmares with you

[crisishauntline]

if only i could fix my fucking shitass goddamn adhd brain

[rubacmk]

☠️

[cryptotheism]

I always wanted to be the guard that tells only lies

[cryptotheism]

I mean I've actually never wanted to be that.

[cryptotheism]

Stupid stupid stupid. C'mon. At this rate I'll never be a lie guard.

[isbergillustration]

You Are Being Observed A Normal Amount

[crisishauntline]

Mother’s Day/Commencement

My education ends here At this curb  Waiting for the traffic signal to change: Pedestrian, Robed in May sunlight,  I cross over And rejoin the hushed throng of new plants  Blooming row upon row  Along the sidewalk before me. I am swept along  By the bright tassels and still fireworks Of a thousand aloes, brushing past  Fuzzy yellow-red kangaroo paws, And bowing graciously to The silent cheers of awestruck fortnight lilies When I reach my door. My education  Does not end here, Nor in my kitchen, where I pluck Leaves like full-bellied sails From this basil plant, Like the one in your garden To bless this food  You taught me to make for myself To keep myself Growing. 

-May 2018

[crisishauntline]

Cannot believe how good and safe yet completely expansive it feels to be in love this time around! I know there will be difficulties because that's how life/love is, but God, this feels so wonderful. And it's so much more than a good feeling. I really feel like we are well-matched partners. I think we're going to help each other grow so much and be together for a long, long time. <3

[crisishauntline]

Whenever a new, sweet someone holds me, touches me in a way no one else has, my sense of time and space shifts. I notice the tug of a waking Want as exquisitely mine as their hands at this moment, this second, a seed of sole fascination. The age-old, unheard duet wakes me up with a shock, starting at the knock of a stranger. In the span between sleep and my opening door to their shape slipping over the jamb, time’s hand beckons inside of all versions of me that did not know there were loves of this kind. I am like a wave stilled by a phase shift in the tide. The full moon turns to ink and pushes, not pulls, The low riptide reverses, snatching past seas to shore, so my every Then comes into now, and then farther, just past the queer edge of where I knew that I—anybody— could swim.

-4/23/2024

[crisishauntline]

I am so ready for this chapter of my life where I'm actually happy! Like, just about every day now I wake up happy to be alive and generally excited for the future I am building! Which is especially crazy given the state of the country/world. But nonetheless it is TRUE!

I feel like my relationships to music and creativity have changed so completely this past year, in every way I could have hoped for—and all because of small but real and important steps I took for myself! I now have a fantastic community of other creatives, musicians, and morbid weirdos to collaborate, organize, and revel with. I am simply over the moon about it all. I feel so powerful, and in such good company.