🍂

I just want to disappear II 22 II GER/NL

[silentsentencing]

was morbidsnarls

[crushediceheart]

🍂

[crushediceheart]

✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁

Motivation for October

🍁 The feeling of an empty stomach.

🍁 Being able to fall asleep because I'm too exhausted for anything else.

🍁 Getting into control again.

🍁 Feeling like I'm good at something.

🍁 Not gaining any more weight!

🍁 Not being ashamed when leaving the house.

🍁 I could do it before. I can do it again.

Note: This is a post for my personal inspiration and individual motivation. Feel free to interact with this post.

I'm already sick. But please, if you don't suffer from an eating disorder, do not look at posts like this! It's fucked up and will only lead to suffering in the end.

🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨🍁✨

[crushediceheart]

Thursday, 22nd October 2020

Breakfast 🍁 250 kcal

Oats with Red Berries: 150 kcal

Coffee w low-fat milk: 100 kcal

Lunch 🍁 390 kcal

1 Slice of Bread: 123 kcal

1 Slice of Cheese: 131 kcal

5g Butter: 36 kcal

1 Banana: ~100 kcal

Dinner 🍁 0 kcal

Total 🍁 640 kcal

Back to my bullshit. I need to be in control again.

[crushediceheart]

Besides, my problems hide in numbers that leave when I gag and heave

And heaving's kind of hard with your hands tied round your waist

Numbers - Pompeii

[crushediceheart]

I'm a fan of pro-ana nation

I do them drugs to stop the food cravings

Lana Del Rey - Boarding School

[crushediceheart]

How come, that in the end, starving myself always feels like the only right thing to do...?

[crushediceheart]

Me, a reasonable person: Everyone needs food, we have fat to protect their organs, an eating disorder can never make you happy.

Also me: neEd to Be sKinNnyyyy aSap!!!!

[crushediceheart]

[crushediceheart]

Sunday, 13th September 2020

Been healthy concerning the ED for a couple of months and now so close to relapse again.

[crushediceheart]

Wednesday, 18th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 107 kcal

2 Cornwaffles with PB: 52 kcal

1/2 Apple: 35 kcal

Honestly, fuck this shit. I'm gonna go of tumblr for a while and giving recovery a chance! I told myself i'm not ready, but you're never really ready... I don't want my life to be like this forever. It's better to get out sooner than later 🌄

[crushediceheart]

Tuesday, 17th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 0 kcal

Lunch 💗 173 kcal

Coffee with No-Sugar Almond Milk: 30 kcal

2 Rice Cakes with PB: 92 kcal

Mandarin: 50 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Dinner 💗 114 kcal

1 Cup Broccoli: 55 kcal

Vegetable Broth: 5 kcal

1/2 Bell Pepper: 20 kcal

1/3 Cucumber: 16 kcal

6 Cherry Tomatoes: 18 kcal

Total 💗 287 kcal

[crushediceheart]

Monday, 16th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 0 kcal

Lunch 💗 66 kcal

1/2 Apple: 35 kcal

Coffee with No-Sugar Almond Milk: 30 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Dinner 💗 103 kcal

2 Cornwaffles with Sriracha & Pickles: 52 kcal

1/2 Bell Pepper: 20 kcal

1/3 Cucumber: 16 kcal

5 Cherry Tomatoes: 15 kcal

Total 💗 169 kcal

[crushediceheart]

Why, why, why...? Why am I doing this to myself? I can't stop, I don't wanna stop. But I can only continue like this for so long.

[crushediceheart]

Sunday, 15th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 107 kcal

2 Cornwaffles with PB: 72 kcal

1/2 Apple: 35 kcal

Lunch 💗 5 kcal

Black Coffee: 5 kcal

Dinner 💗 501 kcal

Veg Miso Ramen: ~500 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Total 💗 613 kcal

[crushediceheart]

Saturday, 14th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 171 kcal

1/4 Cup Oatflakes: 89 kcal

1/2 Cup Raspberries: 32 kcal

Mandarin: 50 kcal

Lunch 💗 30 kcal

Coffee with No-Sugar Almond Milk: 30 kcal

Dinner 💗 108 kcal

3 Cornwaffles with Sriracha & Pickles: 67 kcal

Cherry Tomatoes: 24 kcal

1/4 Cucumber: 16 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Total 💗 309 kcal

Felt very depressed today. Having many different voices (e.g. ED, anxiety, guilt, ...) fighting in my head and leaving me confused. Frustrated with myself and feeling trapped. I'm not ready to get better yet because I can't imagine deserving it.

[crushediceheart]

Friday, 13th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 127 kcal

2 Rice Cakes with PB: 92 kcal

1/2 Apple: 35 kcal

Lunch 💗 28 kcal

Black Coffee: 10 kcal

Vegtable Broth: 5 kcal

50g Spinach: 13 kcal

Dinner 💗 93

2 Rice Cakes with Sriracha & Pickles: 72 kcal

1/2 Bell Pepper: 20 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Total 💗 248 kcal

Friday is the day of the week when I allow to weigh myself. Good thing is that I lost weight, I'm already underweight but not yet reached my lowest weight again.

ED voice is telling me I can't recover until I reach that point and that I haven't struggled for a long enough time. I feel guilty and embarrassed but at the same time I have zero motivation to get better because the ED might go away but then depression will kick in even harder.

Situation here is becoming eerie with people stocking up on food and public events being cancelled. My mom told my that I should consider coming home before the situation gets worse but I don't wanna panic, I want to trust that the government reacts quick enough now and gain control. The worst situation for me would be closed borders because I either might not be able to get home and stuck in a country without a support system or be a home but not be able to return to uni if they eventually open up again in April.

[crushediceheart]

Thursday, 12th March 2020

Breakfast 💗 139 kcal

1/4 cup Oatflakes: 89 kcal

1/2 Cup Raspberries: 32 kcal

1/4 Apple: 18 kcal

Lunch 💗 11 kcal

Americano: 10 kcal

Coke Zero: 1 kcal

Dinner 💗 125 kcal

Rice Cake with Sriracha & Pickle: 36 kcal

1/2 Bell Pepper: 20 kcal

1/4 Apple: 18 kcal

Decaf Cappuccino: 51 kcal

Total 💗 275 kcal

Today the Dutch government decided to shut down all universities until April. This means I won't have classes or exams on-site. I don't know whether my university will come up with an online teaching solution. I'm not really afraid to become sick myself but it's scary how everything goes so fast and I hope they won't be a public panic and that I'll still be allowed to travel to Germany next month. Being stuck here on my own with the ED would probably be a bad idea.

On a different note, my therapist rescheduled tomorrow's appointment til next Wednesday and also told me his supervisor will be present during the evaluation. Last time we agreed that I probably need a different kind of therapy. He also confronted me about my weight loss. I'm afraid what they'll say next time I'm there but I would have preferred to be over with it tomorrow and not wait until next week.