[cryptidsandchamomile]

I'm never going to get better my life is already wasted and I'm just a burden

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I'm just so tired and I ache for a better life that I know I don't deserve or will get

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I just want help I can't keep waiting I can't keep doing this with no way out anywhere in sight

[cryptidsandchamomile]

He should've just pulled the trigger like he yelled he would I feel like I'm dead anyway

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I think the part that's most upsetting is that I would give everyone from my past another chance. I wouldn't have led them on and given them hope and then shut it down once it came down to it.

I think I was just calling it forgiveness and seeing the best in people, but in reality I've just led people trample over me because I was convinced it's all I ever deserved or that it was the closest I could get to real friendship.

I'm grateful I have two people who've shown me it doesn't have to be that way. I just wish that in all my years of living it would've been more than just two at this point.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I'm sitting with it, redirecting my thoughts, stepping back and seeing what's the real source of my pain and sadness

If I was even able to do this before I wouldn't have been able to recognize it and realize that I'm doing what must be done. This is the way through and I'll be okay with time

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I now understand what they mean with the body holding onto trauma because I'm shaking and hurting all over as if it's slowly being released after getting some closure

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I need to give myself grace for finally going through the process of healing. It's not fast or glamorous or how I want it to be, but it's needed so that I can grow as a person. I cannot stay stuck how I was, and I am making progress even if I can't see it for myself

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I'm grateful for the three people in my life who haven't given up on me. I want to have hope for the future, I want to be happy again some day

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I reached out to someone from my past and they said they would rather not meet up again and another one has ignored me completely. It hurts and it sucks, cause I am literally all alone, but perhaps it's for the best. I've been holding on to the past for no reason, while knowing deep down I couldnt go back anyway.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Id rather be dead than live through this for 3 more years I'm so tired

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I didn't want this I didn't ask for this I just needed help and I'm still not getting it

[cryptidsandchamomile]

It was a choice between killing myself in the US or moving back in with my childhood abuser in my home country to receive mental health care

I think I've made the wrong choice

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Don't know how much longer I can just bare it

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Got told the voices I hear are trauma related but that nothing can be done about it until I can get therapy (which is still months, if not a year away) so I just have to ignore it for now and go about my day

She told me this isn't weird or uncommon and I shouldn't feel ashamed about it but I just don't know what to do now, I don't want it to get to a point again where I don't feel in control of my own body anymore

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Nothing worse than a mother who hates you and yet won't even admit that to herself

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I really hope my next life will be kinder to me I'm so exhausted and I just don't see it getting better anytime soon