So, as a human being, I have the basic need to have people understand me. Simply put though, my head is like this convoluted mess. What makes sense to me makes little to no sense to most others. I don't know if this is because I'm on a different level of intelligence, or a different level of understanding or simply because, they're not in my head. So for the sake of wanting to feel understood, I'm going to try and give a sort of window into how I feel on a daily basis when I say I'm lonely, because I know I have people around me, I know I have people attempting to help me in their own way, but I just still feel alone and distant. So here it is:
You wake up, you open your eyes. You see nothing but this pitch black darkness. You can't see anything, you can't hear anything, you can't feel anything, or taste or smell... Nothing, but the one thing you do feel is cold. You reach out into the dark emptiness, seeing if you can feel for a jacket or blanket or just any kind of something to cover up with. You reach in all directions but there's nothing. You then begin to wander around quietly, trying not to disturb anything or anyone, if indeed either exist here. You wander for a good while, until you see what looks like the shape of a person, send hear the echo of a voice saying "this way, follow me". You then, reluctantly, follow this voice and human like figure. You suddenly begin to feel a sense of warmth the closer you get. Then, suddenly, as you get to where you can almost see their face, you realize, they're fading. Slowly fading into the darkness, and you suddenly start feeling cold again. So you continue to wander more until you have this happen a few more times, each time ending the same as the last. Momentary warmth and comfort and being led on the "correct path" but then everything suddenly falling apart. You begin to grow angry, upset, scared. None of these figures are staying for long enough for you to find your way out of this dark, frigid place. You begin to yell out for help. You hear more echoes asking "what's wrong?". You try to tell them, but the echos soon stop. You realize those are gone now too. No voices, no figments to lead you. Wandering in every direction has gotten you nowhere, trusting these figures leading you to "the path" got you nowhere, and listening to the echoes of the voices leading you and seemingly trying to care has gotten you nowhere. It's at this point, that very moment, you realize the truth. It's not actually dark because there's no light to guide your path, it's dark because there's too many people in the way and they're blocking the light to the right path. It's not that you can't hear anything, it's that you're hearing everything and it's clouding your judgment. It's not that you can't feel anything, it's that you're feeling everything and it's caused you to go numb. You're being so overwhelmed by everyone else trying to lead you in their own direction, that you can't focus on your own path right there at your feet in front of you. You keep feeling like things are going cold and those people are leaving, only because they can't see your path, they can only see their own, therefore, they can't lead you. You can't lead someone down your own path because everyone's path is different. There may be similarities, but no one path is the same. Nobody can truly lead you, but you.
This is what I feel when I say I'm lonely. I'm lonely because I'm letting others lead me without listening to myself. They tell me "do it like this" or sometimes try to force me saying "do it like this or I won't help you" but of course I mentally reject it if I feel it isn't me. We all know the saying "don't knock it until you try it" but sometimes, you just know it won't work. So this loneliness I feel, is the fact nobody wants to help me stay on my path, it's because most want me to go down theirs instead. What they don't understand is that you can't force someone down your own path, you simply have to wait until those two paths join on their own. I'm guessing that's how finding love is too. You can't force one or the other down each other's path, you have to allow both to meet on their own at the exact moment they're meant to. Not really unlike fate, except here, you can control where your own path goes, but it can't be exactly like someone else's otherwise you'll just be wandering in that dark room of nothing again. So that's what I'm always trying to do, find my way back to my path while avoiding taking someone else's out of feeling lost, and finding myself in that cold dark nothingness. It's just that there's so many trying to force me to follow them, that I keep getting led astray.
areudirty
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
2087
