
@theartofmadeline
Sweet Seals For You, Always
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Noah Kahan

#extradirty
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Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

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art blog(derogatory)
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@cynthiaunderground
if you’re reading this
a lump sum of money is on the way to you
My mom asked me tonight if I would start a gofundme page to help defray the costs of planning Jonathan’s memorial and cremation. I told her that the fees for that site are crappy, but that I have a paypal where people can donate.
So, I figure if my mom is worried about it, it’s probably worth posting about again, even though asking for money makes my skin crawl.
For those who haven’t followed me for very long, pictured above is Jonathan, my ex-husband. He had a tremendously difficult life including the murder of his mother when he was seven, lifetime abuse from his father, periods of homelessness, PTSD, depression, and schizophrenia that manifested very late in his life.
Jonathan was a Navy vet who never saw combat and worked as a search and rescue swimmer in Puerto Rico. He used the Navy as a vehicle to fund his education. After he did minimal time in the Navy straight out of high school, he went to a community college to learn visual art, and he trained as a nurse.
Jonathan and I had been together since 2007, when we met. We barely spent a day apart that entire time. Over the past four years, his PTSD became more intense, and his schizophrenia really manifested for the first time. After years of intense delusions, being held hostage for a month, half a dozen hospitalizations, taking off a full year of work to be his caretaker, and accruing $30k in medical debt, I finally said this year that I wanted a divorce. I knew that if I stayed with him, my own mental and physical health would end up killing me.
We stayed very close since our divorce, talking almost every day, and I still served as his primary caretaker. He still felt like my best friend in many ways, and certainly was the person on earth who knew the most about me and spent the most time with me.
I was shocked when he abruptly disappeared at the end of September, but I knew this time was different. In a bout of intense fear and delusions, Jonathan committed suicide on the first of the month.
The police tried to be helpful, but wouldn’t search enough. Jonathan’s friends and I searched the area where his truck was recovered, just like you see in the stupid movies about stuff like this. And we recovered his body.
I have been made the executor of his estate–which means that his family doesn’t want any part in making arrangements for him. I am spending money on things I never thought I would–cremation, towing fees for his truck, copies of his death certificate.
Jonathan did not have very much money, though he did work full time. He does not have an estate that will even begin to cover the costs of wrapping up his affairs.
Jonathan was a good man. He was a feminist, a liberal, someone who cared about the homeless, about those who were disadvantaged. He volunteered with kids in an after school program in one of the poorest parts of our town. He helped people with his carpentry skills for free when their homes needed repair–usually elderly people on fixed incomes. He showed up with his giant chainsaw to help clear trees for strangers after more than one hurricane. He painted me a gigantic portrait of my bulldog. He liked hard pretzels and sweet coffee, hiking and training bonsai. Jonathan was a good man. He wanted to build furniture, make art, and write rhymes. He didn’t ask for this terminal disease.
Here’s the obligatory labels for me, Kelly, Kay, his ex-wife: I’m trans, bi/pan, have meniere’s disease (which causes vertigo and makes me hard of hearing), and I’m depressed and anxious as hell (but responsibly medicated!). I work from home as a self-publishing writer of gay romance. I used to have an objectively successful career doing this. But now I am 33, and I have made less this year than I have since I was 20.
I live with my parents, my car is paid off, I don’t have student loans, I budget meticulously at this point, but I have an astounding amount of debt from taking care of Jonathan for four years, full time. I managed his medications, came with him to appointments, figured out how to pay for his prescriptions with no insurance, spent nights sleeping on the floor in the ER with him, visited him when he was hospitalized, and acted as his best friend, wife, and caretaker.
I am now working on getting my income back by writing again, but I am also dealing with my own mental and chronic physical health issues and all of the fallout of losing someone who I spent the last 11 years with.
My parents are helping as much as they can, but my dad lost his job at the beginning of the summer, right after I filed for divorce. My friends have helped, THEIR friends have helped, my parents have helped. His family has nothing to offer and that’s not their fault. But I’m in a tough spot that continues to be tough.
So if you’ve got a dollar to throw my way so that I can get my ex-husband cremated, so that I can host a memorial (at my parents’ house) that his family and friends can travel to from out of town, so that I can pay my bills while I manage the fulltime job of shutting down someone’s lifetime of accounts and information–
If you’re able, I would love if you would donate to me: http://www.paypal.me/boyswannabeher.
As promised, when I get anon hate, I’m just going to reblog this. I now have a Venmo account set up, too. You can hit me with paypal or venmo at [email protected]
Reblogging for the most recent anon 👍🏿
Got another fun anon overnight 😘
Hi anon!
::blows a kiss to my suspicious anons::
hey also if you’d like to reblog this to keep helping, that is awesome, but please reblog a version that doesn’t have this screenshot :) Thank ya!
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU!
Salted Caramel Apple Pie
Keep reading
fucking christ I am sobbing
“If the men find out we can shapeshift, they’re going to tell the church!“
i didnt learn anything about contouring but that’s okay
Her fuckin Katherine Hepburn Done With Everything accent is killing me
-PTERODACTYL SCREECH-
17 notes to self for a good life
Don’t wear a sports bra to work. You think you’ll be comfortable but your boobs are going to sag and ache by hour 3.
No one has time for full makeup, but at least put on eyebrows before you leave. Your face will literally feel more assertive.
Negativity is boring and no one will remember you for it. Unerring positivity is the ultimate rebellion.
Your body is not your masterpiece. Your life is your masterpiece. Appearances mean nothing if you are not engaged in the world around you. Staying fit and healthy is a good thing, but don’t let it get in the way of real experience.
Eat food that makes your body and brain feel good. Don’t ever force yourself into a diet that you hate. Eat to fuel your best life. Don’t ever force yourself into exercise that you hate. You have a higher purpose in life than burning calories and toning thighs. Exercise to feel awesome.
All your hard work goes to waste if you don’t get enough sleep.
Simple quality always trumps tempting quantity. One pair of Docs matches everything and will last forever. And you’ll never wear those ten shitty pairs of cheap heels anyways.
Fashion is fleeting, but classic practicality is always in style.
Fancy soap is nice and all, but you’ll be just as clean and healthy if you use the generic brand. Save your cash and use it for something that actually matters.
Simplify your material existence. Don’t have more; be more. Do more.
Leave your house and do something social at least once a week. Even if it’s just a 20-minute coffee break with a cute stranger. Don’t stagnate. Be human.
Feelings are gross and uncomfortable but they’re a necessary part of having a healthy existence. Don’t avoid them.
Your sex life is no one else’s prerogative and has nothing to do with your respectability unless you lose respect for yourself in the process. If you want to have sex (and your partner/s want to have sex), have sex. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t.
Self-awareness is a powerful weapon, but a weapon is useless until you learn to wield it.
Travel is the only way to buy happiness.
Life is too short to put shitty fabrics up against your bare skin. Go buy some well-made, high-quality underthings.
Life is also too short to never have brownies. Make time for brownies.
Reblogging for myself. Especially, “don’t stagnate, be human”.
You can be in a relationship for 2 years and feel nothing; you could be in a relationship for 2 weeks and feel everything. Time is not a measure of love
relevant as fuck right now (via alalae)
The signs:
Aries: Something about you makes my blood boil in a unique, uncomfortable way, you are full of mystery. You have black holes for eyes, remarkably, that are too intense for most people to look into. You have no control over your greatness, you were born this way. Notice it and blossom. Not a single person on earth can blossom like you can. Not a single person can blossom like you will. You have great and empowering words to say in this life, make sure to say all of them without fear. You are not afraid. Be great.
Taurus: You are so lovely, the embodiment of nature, the embodiment of all the naturality in life created by the one and only, engulfing creator. I remember losing you and all nature that surrounded me seemed to shrivel and die. My heart ached when I heard the crunch under my feet of every dead leaf I walked upon. It brought me so much pain, i felt like death. I lost my vision and a bright white light came over me, fading into a soft glow and all I could see was your face. If I was dying, this was my glimpse of heaven, it made me want to die. I would rather die with your image in my mind than not have you in such a short, sometimes seemingly meaningless life such as this one. Perhaps you were just too lovely to be with someone like me, perhaps too lovely to be in my filthy grasp. You are my glimpse of heaven. How I long to be able to tell you that. How I long to be able to sing to you and whisper you the sweet words I never did. I am so sorry.
Gemini: I feel so naked when I’m with you. You strip me of my walls, you strip me of my guarded defenses, leaving me completely and utterly vulnerable. You shatter any mental boundaries I possess. You open my mind to the awareness of a mind. You show me to simply have a mind, such a power house is astonishing. You leave me breathless with your aura and creative, rhythmic way of speaking to everyone. You introduce open mindedness like no other, freedom like no other, a genius. With you, losing my mind and falling into madness is okay, almost a necessity. In life there simply seems to never be enough time. You show me how to embrace the lack of time we all have, you show me that death is the inevitable and that its not as important as we make it. The important thing is to experience life fully, entirely, with every part of our being. To be thankful of the rare oddity, the rare adventure we have all been gifted with called life, to dance with the music of life. I swear I’m out of my mind and that’s a wonderfully beautiful thing. Thank you for teaching me that.
Cancer: I would make love to you in the sweetest, most enticing way because I deeply believe you deserve to be made love to like no other. I hope you remain soft, I hope you have the strength to. I say this even though I know you will. You have always remained selfless, you have always remained kind, somehow. I do not understand how someone can turn such pain into beauty. Your creations are just as beautiful as you are, that is so admirable. You shock people with such generosity, you are completely, utterly and naturally divine to the point you are unhealthly wanted by every pair of eyes, even the blind. I swear its like the blind regain their sight in your presence. People notice you in a crowd, don’t doubt that. People especially notice you when you think you are not being noticed. You are the most beautiful conscious being and that will never change. You have angel lips as sweet as honey, your voice is melodic. I have always ached and dreamed for you to love me. Please one day love someone like me. Your being is so lovely that I can’t help myself from hopelessly weeping. You are a walking art piece, a priceless masterpiece. I lost everything the first time I looked in your eyes. I lost everything.
Leo: Remember that people want to be like you, just as much as you want to be like them. You can be admirable of others, you absolutely can be, but live your life knowing without a doubt that you are the best there is. Countless people admire you and want to be just like you. Effortlessly you shine brighter than the sun itself and when you smile, every pair of knees weaken, instinctively and inescapably bowing down to the ingenius design you are. Your mind and appearance radiate exuberance. I pray you can fathom just how special and gifted you are because you yourself are the unfathomable. You are inspiration and ambition, the abstract dreams I have at night that inspire my creativity, that lead me to create the never before seen. You are surrealistic art, our God’s most treasured and individualistic specimen. You are not only that but also the sun that lights the entire sky, you are the sun beams that sink into and warm my skin when I stand in such brilliant light. You are the light that keeps me from opening my eyes, preventing blindness but how I foolishly dont mind and long to go blind by such greatness.
Virgo: You remind me of sleep but you also remind me of night terrors. I feel like I don’t know who you are, slightly fearing you. Seemingly the most difficult puzzle to put together. I wonder and ponder if you are the worlds never ending puzzle, if I will ever figure you out, i have never been able to entirely comprehend your depth and mystery. You are almost frightening, shockingly and startlingly enchanting. You are hypnotic and maneuver with magic. I do not know the depth of your mind and apart of me never wants to. I enjoy the enigma you are, forever intriguing and intelligent. Ask me personal, peculiar questions and I will unintentionally and completely open up to you, instinctively trusting you. Your questions are always intense yet tender, your mind must be filled to the brim with intellect and perplexing art. Your mind is a masterpiece and your soul is ethereal. Extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world. I hope you can live with and fall in love with your sly mind. I am in love. May you always be yourself, may you feel everything you are meant to feel in this life and may you surface from the darkness.
Libra: You are the bittersweet lonliness that the sad and dreamy ones feel midday, swirling like the wind, leading long, lovely hair to flow, swirlingly and gracfully making your way through clothes, sending goosebumps down backs, leaving a lasting, cold and drowzy sensation. You’re the words in a book that readers grow tiresome of until finally falling asleep, leaving them with their adventurous dreams connected to the adventurous story they just took in. I see you in every free, soaring bird. I feel you in every unique and precious song that lively birds compose. You are melody, rhythm, sound, the grand orchestra. You are poetry, expression, a famous sonnet. You walk with fearlessness, you live with each lovers name you’ve ever loved written and embedded on your flashy skin. You are autheticly rare and always ready to entirely open yourself up, to let the flowers you encompass within bloom for all to see , appreciate and mesmerize. My god, do people mesmerize you.
Scorpio: I’m so lustful of you, lustful out of complete, biting love. I’ve never fallen so deeply and madly in love with a soul, It is insanity. You are full of demons that I face from loving you everyday and I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you and live with them, deep inside, haunting and strange. I have been face to face with insanity, letting your wickedness and sin make its way within me. It all makes me more infatuated. No matter how hard I try to find your core, your raw center, I can never seem to dig deep enough, I can never seem to withstand the screams, painful howls and blackness that your inner monsters let out and intensely sophocate me with when I try. When I give up, it’s like you see my vulnerability and you see it as me being submissive, knowing this is when you can strip me naked and consume me entirely, this is when you know and are proud of the secrets you keep from me, this is when you know you own me because I will fail to figure you out, i will fail to get anything from you yet continuously crawl back for something, for anything I can get from you. You have me in a trance that I can’t snap out of, you need the control because it brings you security and deep, sinful satisfaction. You experience a sense of peace in knowing that you can cause me to feel pain so that you won’t feel so alone and lost in your own. I want to make love to you and feel the pain I experience from being in love with you. I am incapable of leaving you alone, regardless of the sorrow i experience. I will never let you feel alone. I will feel this pain with you, right by your side, my ride or die. You are not alone. Maybe this isn’t love, maybe it is just madness but I’ve always been mad.. but not as mad as you.
Sagittarius: You are the book of everything, a book holding all the knowledge in existence. You are the infinity sign, you are lively, always hungry for life and full of wisdom. Youre the feeling you get on a hot summer day, laying in the center of a sweetly scented meadow, taking in every bit of the sun, not being able to suppress a tight smile. Feeling at complete peace, no worries or a feeling of weight on your back, feeling free and open in the mind. I want to be alone with you and hear you speak about all the things that go on in your head. I imagine you have a billion things to say, or maybe nothing to say, it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is exist and you are performing one of the most incredible things possible. People forget that simply being alive is utterly mindblowing in itself. You give inspiring advice and shock people with your spunk and inner lightening. I appreciate your uniqueness and ability to be open to every side of a spectrum. You are the instant, refreshing feeling you get from diving into a cool pool on a hot day, your my child hood memories, you are the embodiment of an entirely fulfilled life. Your soul has lived a thousand different lives, you will exist for eternity. You are existence itself. Live free and die free, make your inevitable mark on this world. It belongs to you.
Capricorn: no one’s ever ready for what you’ve got to offer to this world, you can do so much with so little and have an achingly powerful mind and aura. You don’t have to do anything to shock and mesmerize mankind, just be yourself. You change the world with your ambitious actions, you change people simply with your way of presenting yourself. You are intelligence, skillful and have the ability to accept time, accept that everything takes time. That’s something a lot of people can’t do. You can do so many things others can’t, but you are not flashy. You are low-key while remaing self assured. Maybe you experience a lot of self doubt, but im telling you right now, you shouldnt. Your jokes and attitude are like a fun house, utterly amusing and dirty, sometimes scary. You are full of original ideas that you can easily bring to life. I hope you know how much you actually benefit and effect our species. You have immense purpose, see that you are the greatest and anything you want can be obtained. I hope you know how attractive and special you are. Absolutely outstanding.
Aquarius: life is a lonesome experience, you understand that more than anyone. You carry the weight of humanity itself with you everywhere you go on your back. To fit in seems like a maze that is unsolvable. Your aquarius minds are unending, no limitations, you are mad men. Not only ingenius but geniuses yourselves. You obtain something no one else can obtain and this can never be taken away from you. Nobody quite understands what makes you different, you dont even understand it yourself but you feel it deep within your bones. “I do not belong here, I do not belong anywhere and I don’t want to belong anywhere.” So hard to comprehend or understand, you are utterly perplexing but so fucking beautiful. I can’t fully convey in words how astoundingly beautiful each and every one of you are. Let someone take a look into your eyes and theyll travel through space, adventuring and absorbing the sight of multiple universes. Let someone take a long look at your face and watch them get lost in mesmerization. Magnetic, mystifying, heartless, mythical beings. A world such as this one does not deserve you or your revolutionary touch. You are the lone, last star of each ending night, still shining brightly as the sun begins to rise. Glowing alone to express your individuality, glowing as brightly as you can until the sun puts you out but you are always going to be there again when the sun goes down and you are always going to be the last one shining when it rises again.
Pisces: you are hands that are made to create art, you are the creases in the hands of an infant. You are the start of life, the start of plant life, the start of a human life, the start of an animals life. You are the smoke from my cigarettes, dispersing through out the air. I hear you everywhere I go, echoing in the back of my head as a guide to being a better person. You make me want to be a better person. You are the sweet cherries around my sweet ice cream, you’re the soft, enchanting scented lotion I spread on my skin. You are the goosebumps left after a lovers sensitive touch. You are the feathers that fill my softest of pillows. You are the sweetest of piano music ever played. I love you. I miss you. You will be with me.
Have you ever considered modelling? You look really good.
Oh Anon, I prefer being behind the Camera but thank you.
Not @cinespia but a good reminder and what is and what will always be the best happening in #LA #lalaland (at Greater Montreal)
Dear @myproteinus this doesn't taste like 🍫🍫🍫🤔