SPEAKING OF COMMUNION
What: [NumberOneRatedSalesman1997] X [Reader]
Fear: WHY BE [Afraid] WHEN YUO CAN [BuyMore]!1!
Price: 755 KROMER
Proud Owner: SPAM--SPAMTON G SPAMTON
Warnings: DON'T TRU5T WHAT [You] SEE ON [TV]!!1!
When Spamton realized he was in love, he knew he had some things to scrounge up. For one, he needed to find some [kromer] if he was going to be able to afford a [Commemorative Ring] for you. Naturally, he pretty much knew you were the one right from the start, and in his mind, if you liked a car on the lot, you needed to get it before anyone else could. So, money. Ring. Fast. And he'd be damned if he was gonna put that other ring on you.
Another thing to find was his mind. Spamton knew he was screwed up, and on top of that, knew how easy it was to make the wrong decision. Lucidity wasn't his strong suit, sure, but he was keenly aware that you were his [shot] at happiness, and he yours. This was one thing he wouldn't mess up--one person whose skies he could still clear. When you told him he was staying in your home, he felt like he was cruising on some sort of new road that wasn't on the map. It was a good feeling, he decided. "THIS PLACE FEEL$ [Five Star Rating]!!! 4ND 4ND 4ND I HAVE [Hot Babes In] !? DEAL!!! B3ST DEAL!!! LET5 [Shake On It]."You decided a kiss was better, even if Spamton turned red like he was about to explode, murmuring something about watching out for his nose.
Spamton really gasses you up on just about everything you do, citing "evidence" from his life to make it seem more "obvious". He means well, but Spamton reminiscing on anything is usually a word-disaster."YO'UR [pan-fried] [CAAAAAKE] IS [Get Outta Town]!!! [Number1RatedSalesman1997] WOULD KNOW, [Luxurious Hotels] WAS MY [House] UNTIL MY LIFE [gone down the drain]! BOY, DID IT [IT BURNS!] [IT BURNS!]! GRE4T COOKING BY THE W4Y! [IT BURNS!] WITH FLAVOR! [IT BURNS!]" The incredibly loud sound bytes are disturbing enough to get you to launch over the counter and hold Spamton's mouth shut so you can try to salvage the mood you two had earlier. When you slowly remove your hands and sit down in front of him, he does his best to choke back a deranged cackle (after shoving another whole pancake into his mouth). "...[We Apologize for the Inconvenience]."
You like Spamton, you love Spamton. And you like him for who he is now, not who he could possibly be in the future. And that means accepting that he's quick to pull a scam on you. He's tried a few things before. "[Invest] IN TWENT%Y PER%ENT OF THOSE [Magazine Special] [Custom Suits] AND I'LL [Pay...] YOU BACK [100% Guarantee] [Suits]!!!" And that was just one instance. His newest scheme? He knows you like to kiss him ([HEAVEN] knows why), and that... He can use that. One day, he's nowhere to be found until you go outside. He's waiting for you at a ramshackle storefront with a sign that says "KI##ING BOOTH". Crossing your arms, you ask if it's a kissing or killing booth, because killing booths aren't allowed. Spamton... smiles. "EAHAHAHEAH! DO I [Look like the kinda guy who] [homicides]!? DON'T ANSWER THAT. IT'S OBVIOU5LY A [Romantical] BOOTH!!!" When you ask him how much a kiss costs, he replies, "NORMALLY I'D SELL MY [Beautiful] [MOUTH] AT 1997 MILLION KROMER, BUT FOR YOU IT'S [On the] !" He looks at you with eerie intensity as he jitters about in place. Deciding to humor him, you kiss his nose. "KROMER. [On the] KROMER. THAT WILL B3 [Five. Hundred.] KROMER. YOU SHOULD REALLY LET A SALESMAN [Finish His Pitch]!!!" Sighing, you get out your wallet so Spamton can have a snack. Better get used to it.
Spamton knows that it's pretty unethical to scam your partner, but he figures that he'll be investing it into something you'll (hopefully) be wearing for the rest of your life, so really you're spending it on you. So it's fine! He just hopes that you know how much he cares. His voice and his face don't really do a good job at getting across what he's feeling, so he hopes that you know it wasn't a coincidence that his soundbytes have started including a lot of lines from movies you said you loved. He hopes you know that the weird blue fried food in your fridge is more for you than him. He hopes that you know he thinks you look amazing in sky blue, even if all he could offer at the time was incomprehensible laughter. He hopes you know that every penny he's managed to con out of you was for a very [specil] ring... He hopes that you know!














