All this stupid kink has taught me.
It feels like the only men capable of giving you that intense, mind-blowing, completely uninhibited sex are able to do it because the entire connection is built on half-truths. Because they don’t actually respect you. Because it’s easy to degrade someone, to push them, to blur lines, to separate their body from their humanity when you don’t value them in the first place.
That’s the part that makes me furious.
It feels like the reason it “works” in the bedroom is because the disrespect isn’t just a role. It’s not just a dynamic. It’s real. It’s woven into how they see you. And that’s why they can go there so effortlessly, because they actually think less of you.
And then the men who do respect you? The ones who see you as a full, complicated, worthy human being? They don’t want that dynamic. They don’t want to blur those lines.
So what the hell is this choice?
Good sex and feeling worthless.
Or boring sex and feeling somewhat valued.
Why is that even a spectrum? Why does it feel like I’m being forced to choose between chemistry and dignity? Between being intensely desired and actually respected?
I’m so angry I could scream.
Angry at them. Angry at myself. Angry that I let men who didn't even like me convince me this was intimacy. Angry that I didn’t see the manipulation sooner. Angry that I have to untangle what was real and what was just convenient for them.
Manipulative assholes ruin everything. They take your trust and twist it. They make you question your judgment, your desires, your worth. They make you hate what you see in the mirror. They make you feel stupid for believing them. They make you doubt your own standards.
And now I’m sitting here feeling nauseous, like this is just my life, like this is the kind of dynamic I attract or allow.
Everything feels heavy. And unfair. And infuriating.
I don’t want to choose between being respected and being wanted. I don’t want to feel small just to feel desired.
I’m just SO angry. I hate everything.
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