Collecting Hell Fire

[dailynostalgia]

All I do is repeat I wanna kill myself.. all day long

[dailynostalgia]

January 22, 2022

I’m beginning to feel absolutely insane. I cant cry and I cant find any joy in my day. I feel numb but also feel like everything is about to end. This doesn't feel real. I keep disassociating. I feel suicidal and im home alone right now and it would be the perfect time. I just want my chest to stop hurting its so tight, I cant focus on tv, I cant focus on my phone. I cant find a second of contentment. Pleasure is dopamine and happiness is serotonin. The only thing that stops serotonin to from working is dopamine. There for the more you seek pleasure the less happy you will be. This has me second guessing everything. Im in my head constantly, because now im afraid if I choose to do something is it to work towards happiness or pleasure. I feel as though most things we do throughout the day are to satisfy some sort of instant gratifaction or instill some sort of pleasure. So what is the opposite of that sitting there bored in your head. Too afraid to move further and further away from happiness so I don't work towards anything, because in doing so I create pleasure. Im afraid that experiencing any form of pleasure will end in my suicide. Ill never be happy. I just want to be able to breathe right now my chest is so tight. This isn't real. I just need some sort of relief. I need something. I need help, im begging for help. 

[dailynostalgia]

Regret- January 17th, 2022

Ive had racing thoughts all day and keep having flashbacks. Its like im forcing myself to feel the pain I've gone through, I've been relatively happy recently. Is this just my brain protecting itself. im dissasocting in and out constantly. Im forcing myself to relive the heart break I had with my ex, there is nothing in this world that has been as hard as that. Nothing else has destroyed me the way that did, and for so long. Almost 2 years after and anytime we would have a conversation I would watch tarot readings on youtuve, and like always it would say something along the lines of theres a person coming back into your life. This would drive me absolutely insane I would obsess and fantasize over him. Its been a few years now and were actually good friends, I haven't been hurt over the break up in a while. The last two days have really gotten to me though. Not because I still love him but im filled with regret. Everything I've thought about for the past few days is regret and how much I've disappointed the people around me. I feel regret with almost everything. Even if its instant gratification soon after I fall deep into regret. It consumes me. I went grocery shopping yesterday, I was so happy walking around the store and getting healthy foods, but as soon as I checked out I told myself im not going to eat any of this food. This happens with clothes too, I convince myself I have to have something and I either wear it once or not at all. I think this can all go back to the money thing I had mentioned before, the way my mom would hold money over my head. I never thought I would be as shallow as to think people spending money on me is equivalent to love. Lately I've come to the conclusion that may be the case. I keep thinking back and I've never made the right choices, I've always taken the hard rode, for god knows why. Its hard for me to think about any of the good times in my life all I can think about is the bad. Ive convinced myself to not get into another relationship, not to drink or do drugs again, not to have certain conversations, not to try new things, because after all of those I always feel regret wether it be immediately or in a few months or in a few years. I don't want to be as childish by describing it as the ick, but its more intense than that, my stomach drops and my heart is empty. Even now being in a sober living, in a year ill think back as to why I was so stupid to even have gotten myself there. Ive just been a huge problem for everyone. I never expected myself to turn out like this. I don't even want to try to go on. Sometimes I think I would be fine just going back to drugs. Running away because thats what I always end up doing. My dad is paying for me to be here and I just know we probably won't have a relationship after. No matter what I hate myself, I have regrets, I disappoint everyone, I hurt everyone, and selfish, and more. Is any of this worth it, sometimes I wish I had just OD’d and been done with it. I should've died, I should be dead. Things would all be so much easier, or maybe I am dead and the life im living currently is just a punishment. I am however a good person and treat others Kindly and always consider others feelings, unless its my family. But my actions just don't line up. I don't understand any of this. This is a cry for help, please someone help me. 

[dailynostalgia]

Serenity-January 2nd, 2022

The definition of serenity states; the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. I really don't think I've had a consistent feeling of serenity at any point in my life, sure I've had maybe a few days go by and I wasn't as anxious as usual. For the first time in my life I feel at peace with where I am at, even though I'm not in even the slightest at a good point in my life, I am however at peace with it. Ive come to accept the fact that 1. I am an addict 2. its okay to be upset, 3. God is real, 4. The universe will not through anything at you, that you cannot handle, 5. Things happen for a reason. I am probably at the lowest point in my life, but in a way its encouraging because im able to start over. No where to go but up. Recently I came to the realization my life is actually not that bad, sure I did just come out of the worst and dreadful year of my life due to drugs. But right now, things are pretty amazing. I started a new job, right on the beach at a juice bar. I live right by the beach and moved away from the city I grew up in and was so desperate to escape, Im going back to school and finally figured out what I want to study after many years of going back and forth and feelings as though I needed to pick right now in this moment what I had to do for the rest of my life. I don't need to have it figure out though, its okay to not know, and I am terrified of the unknown I always have been. Im also officially 2 months sober. Yeah, all this sounds great but almost too great, my mind hasn't completely transformed, so there is a little negativity that lingers and trying to convince me that this all won't last forever, I will have trials and errors, that I may not be entirely prepared to handle. For right now though im going to enjoy the peace, enjoy the cal, and enjoy being untroubled. 

[dailynostalgia]

Booty Blade Tattoo Thong

[dailynostalgia]

Self Love Rant-December 25,2021

I’ve always heard the cliche saying of, you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. I’ve never understood it or really have ever paid any mind to it. Am I know you're hoping that this is going to be some sort of revelation on how I discovered what self love is and how important it is and how life can't go on without it. Im not going to bullshit you. I still have no idea what it means. Some days I have absolute love for myself and others I am filled with complete hatred. On those self love days, I'm not even sure if it is actual self love, maybe god complex. On those days I usually talk to as many people as I can to see which guy can compliment my ego best that night. Which I don't see as necessarily bad, but I do know its not something that is constructive to my character development. Just like with everything else in my life its either one extreme or the other. All things in my life re black and white. I have no grey area. Well thats not completely true. Some days I feel completely grey, like I'm just floating along through life and complacent almost. As though I'm not working towards anything. Technically I am though, I just got sober (today actually makes 2 months), moved to a new city (mainly for sober living and my dad wanted me out of Orlando because he knew I would get in trouble if I had gone back to the same place where I used the most), applied to a new school in this area, looking for a job (hate this part). Which are really just things that I should already have and be a consistent thing in my life. These are the things I am supposed to have done, there is no pat on the back for accomplishing those things. Even with getting all of those things accomplished my dad still thinks I'm moving along too quickly, he thinks its not a good idea to get a job or go back to school. On the other hand he gets mad every time I ask him for money, not because he can't afford it but because he doesn't trust me to have any money to my name, he's afraid I'm gonna get money and just run off. He also won't let me have my car back. If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't. He argues with me about money but also doesn't want me to get a job. A part of me becoming a better person is doing things that are productive. I’m just trying to figure this all out I'm still so confused on how I'm going to move forward with this. All I know is I have to completely change every little thing in my life. ANYWAYS moving on. I wouldn't even know where to begin with self love. Theres all these things I don't know how to begin. Ive always been too afraid I want to take chances and lean into the uncomfortable, its the only way ill grow. I've never been able to do that. I know I've mentioned it in a previous post, but I'm basically conditioned to be scared to try things and wait for my mothers approval to do anything for myself. Im 23 years old who the fuck my age still does that. It also is a money and codependency thing. While I've been here I'm not supposed to be talking to her. This completely got off track, but I'm really not sure how to work on self love.

[dailynostalgia]

Put a little fire on it..

[dailynostalgia]

Tension-Dec 23,2021

I’m not sure if it was being locked up in rehab with only girls for a solid 30 days or if I'm just having a little crush. I’m now also living with 11 other girls in sober living. Which is fine because we some what have contact with the guys house of sober living, but very restricted. We mostly only see the guys at clinical and AA/NA meetings. Were only allowed to talk to them at clinical though, and at AA/NA meetings we have to completely ignore them. We are allowed to talk to any other guys at the meeting as long as they're not apart of the guys house in our program. They don't want any of us fraternizing with their house. Which is kind of valid, they've had an issue before with girls sneaking guys into our house to hook up. Which pretty much ruined everything for us, and we get in even more trouble if we have any sort of communication through cell phones and social media. Some girls in the house have been caught giving their numbers out to them which only ruins things for all the other girls. So now things are extremely restricted. But anyways the point I was getting at is that I now have a crush (es) on some people who are part of the program. But its not anyone who I would even imagine it would be. I’m usually into younger guys (I'm 23) but I'm swinging the completely opposite way this time. They are both authoritative figures in the program. It hasn't just started over nothing or anything I'm making up in my head, there is definitely some sexual tension. First is one of the threapists (Z) at clinical. He's always messing around with me and making fun of me but then also always complimenting me. Ill talk about how I'm breaking out and he always tells me I'm so pretty and I don't need to wear makeup, then he added I don't date girls who wear makeup. He also is always talking about how much money he has and how great his life is, in some sort of way trying to impress me. He talks about how he's able to guide me in the right direction and be someone I can rely on and trust since I've never had that before. Today he allowed me to run group which is something I haven't seen him allow anyone to do before. Theres just some sort of tension there. Then there is one of the house managers (H) from the guys house. I’ve always seen him around clinical but never really spoke, but we would constantly make eye contact. My therapist (Jennifer) always would mention how he had an amazing life story to share about his drug addiction and how he over came it. Jennifer would ask him to tell it in group all the time but he's only done it once for her. Yesterday I asked him to share his story and he said he would but only because I asked. So he shared and it was so unexpected. The things he went through was nothing like how he presented himself. He was basically homeless his entire life and now he works at an Intensive Out Patient doing all the medical parts and handling new comers but also handling everything for the guys house, this is all a full time job. He’s only been there for 2 years, so only 2 years ago he was sleeping on the street. But to continue like I said we always make eye contact and when he would laugh during the group I ran today, and every time I would laugh id look his way just to see if he was looking at me and he was. Some of the girls and guys went home for Christmas, even though I'm only an hour and a half from where I live, while others live states away, I decided (rather my family decided) that I would not be going home for Christmas. So our program manager tried to take us who did stay in town to do something, we went bowling (sounds boring and basic generic childish whatever). While there I asked if the program was going to pay for our food, I purposely went out of my way to ask him. At first he said no..they weren't paying for everyone food. I just said oh okay, no worries and walked away. Then a few seconds later he stopped me and gave me his personal card and said he would pay for my food, but only mine. This is when I officially knew there was some sexual tension or that he is at least attracted to me. He also helped me to bowl the right way.  Right now I'm feeling very insecure because of all my acne like I had mentioned before. Ive never been into older guys, but maybe something has changed in me, I don't know what it is. Or maybe its just the sexual tension I enjoy. Ive been told that everyone in the guys house has said they think I'm cute or want to talk to me. (not being conceited) But before that I enjoyed the little bit of sexual tension between them when I would see them at clinical, but after hearing that they all want to talk tome I've just become completely uninterested. Not sure if its because the guys house is filled with a bunch of drug addicts with their lives being a mess, while the men I mentioned running the program are successful and sober. Probably the last one. Ive noticed I've always been attracted to people who are doing better than me in life. I also know I love love love romanticizing about guys rather than actually hanging out or even going on dates. Until I figure it out, ill continue to live in the fantasies I create in my head. 

[g35h-cyberninja]

[dailynostalgia]

Paranoid-Dec 22,2021

I don't know if I can continue to live in the sober house. I don't know if something happened during my overdose like I had experienced some sort of ego death or whatever it was, I remember waking up after 1 day of being unconscious and when I woke up I looked at the ceiling of the hospital and it was wavy like when I did acid and shrooms in the past. But this way because of the whole bottle of Benadryl I took. Maybe something terrified happened and its completely changed me. I remember nothing. I try to talk to people about this but I'm afraid they'll think I'm crazy. I wish I could know what had happened. My dad said the image of finding me laying there is engraved in his head.Ever since my overdose  I've become more and more paranoid. I’ve experienced some form of paranoia before hand, but not like this. Besides the things I was paranoid over before pretty much turned out to almost be completely true. So I'm not sure am I paranoid now or is my intuition far more advanced than I give myself credit for. Whenever I walk into a random conversation going on in the house and any sort of “they”, “she”, “her” I assume the worst and its about me especially when they don't say names, I feel as though they're making fun of me right in front of my face. I always hear about the drama and shit talking and stealing going on in the house, but I don't partake in any of that. I don't have the energy to keep up with all of that. Weird honestly because before I feel like I would've Kinda been all about that. But ever since the overdose I'm a lot more calm and timid and feel like my morals are completely different. Even in the past I would constantly try to convince myself that my thoughts weren't real and not trust myself. I think I've just always second guessed myself. It stems from the way I was raised, my mother always played mind games with me. Whenever I wanted to try something new or head in a direction she didn't want me to go in, she would tear me down but in such a way she made me think it was my own self talking myself out of these things. I still don't feel anything about my overdose or really understand the severity of it and how it changed my family. My dad keeps referring to this as a family emergency. But I didn't want to take it that far. Im afraid that he's paying all this money for me to go to rehab and intensive out patient, but I don't know if I can make it through. Not because I don't want to be sober but because I can't live with myself. Im so suicidal and its so hard for me to differentiate between my real emotions or bipolar or BPD, I just don't understand anything about myself or whats actually going on in my head I feel crazy. I do know that I hate myself and am disgusted by myself. Im chunky now, but have no butt, I have such bad acne, Im in constant fear that I smell odd, and its consuming me. I don't want to be here if I have to deal with all these thoughts in my head. And thats the thing too, I don't know if I'm just being dramatic or all of this is something I need to deal with. Ive never actually dealt with anything thats gone on in my life. Suppressing is the only thing I know how to do. Im a mess, this whole thing is a mess.

[lostgirll666]

🥀.

[do-drugs-give-hugs]

[do-drugs-give-hugs]