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It Won't Always Be Like This

Prompt: Not all promises are meant to be kept, not all forevers are meant, and he learned it the hard way. They shared a dream once, but not all dreams are meant to be fulfilled, no matter how hard you try.

General tags: multi chapter fic, hurt (maybe with or without comfort idk<3), nightmares, depression, idol au, ateez pre debut<3, yungi

CHAPTER 2

Chapter tags: none but lmk if i should tag anything

Word count: 5.1k

*

“Why did you choose to spend time with me out of everyone? It’s always been like this… You could’ve been with the others right now.” is what Mingi asked while he was laying on the grass looking at the night sky, Yunho sitting next to him, resting his arms on his knees and admiring the stars that were shining brightly. The grass was still wet from the rain that happened not too long ago and both of them knew that their clothes were dirty with mud, but neither of them cared. The air was so clear and refreshing and the grass tickling Mingi’s exposed arms were feeling extremely liberating.

Yunho turned his face to look at his friend, eventually turning his entire body and sitting crisscross next to him, scanning Mingi’s face and giving him a gentle smile. Mingi noticed as his features softened and how his eyes had a tinge of sadness that seemed to say something along the lines of ‘why would you even ask that?’.

“It was never a choice to begin with, you were just brought into my life and I couldn’t be more thankful for it, and it’s been this way ever since we met. I will always choose you over anyone else, Mingi.” is Yunho’s reply as he rips a fistful of grass-blades and throws it on Mingi’s chest, making them both laugh awkwardly. Mingi felt as his heart swelled from happiness.

*

The walk to the convenience store was silent. Mingi couldn't tell if either of them didn't talk because they had nothing to say or because Yunho was still somewhat upset, but he was too out of it to force himself to get any words out. It wasn't awkward by any means, but this time it just felt a bit more tense than usual, like he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have and was waiting to be scolded for it. It was a heavy and comfortable silence.

The convenience store was empty enough for them to eat inside of it, so after the two of them picked their items and paid for them, they sat at one of the tables and started eating, Yunho monitoring his friend’s every move.

“Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't feel like it.” says Yunho, being the first to break the silence, being already done with most of his food, still having saved a small amount of it to eat at the same time with his friend. Mingi stops mid bite of his kimbap, continuing his bite of food after swallowing the lump in his throat and chewing the food while nodding his head.

“Do you still want to debut?” asks Yunho seriously, now distracting himself with the wrapper of the plastic straw that was in his cup of juice half empty, avoiding making any eye contact with his friend, his gaze alone giving Yunho the answer before Mingi could begin to put it into words. “Because I feel like you are a bit off about the whole thing. And I don’t want you to feel pressured at any point. Is this still something you want to do?” Yunho continues, in a way adding salt to the wound, the wound in question being the truth Mingi was hiding from him.

Mingi feared this question. So much and for no reason. He himself wasn't completely certain of what he wanted. All he knew was that he wanted to be with Yunho, since being around him was the only time he was really happy. And while Mingi enjoyed dancing and singing with his friend, it didn't feel the same when Yunho wasn’t around. It didn’t feel the same as it did before, something changed. He started feeling a sort pressure that was weighing him. And seeing his friend be happy and succeed while he was stuck in his head made him feel like he was dragging his friend down.

“Of course I do!” he lied. As always he lied. Because disappointing the person he looked up to the most was more heartbreaking to him than lying to him. Mingi puts down the kimbap and continues chewing slowly after taking another bite.

“Have you written anything as of late?” asks Yunho after what seemed to Mingi to be a long break. Seeming as if Yunho had to take in Mingi's lie and dissect it, think about it more, giving possible reasons as to why his best friend would so insistently lie to him. Yunho knows how much writing means to Mingi, and he has always believed that once Mingi stopped writing, the dream would be dead. Such a simple and innocent question, but it held so much meaning, and Mingi knew what Yunho was after.

“I have.” and he was telling the truth. However the lyrics he wrote down weren't exactly some that would ease Yunho's mind in any way.

Upon Mingi’s reply Yunho raised his head and finally made eye contact with his friend. His eyes were full of hope, almost shining, and that alone gave Mingi the strength to at least pretend for some more, to force himself for a while longer.

“That's great to hear! Are you gonna perform it at the audition?” was Yunho's next question. Mingi takes another bite of his kimbap, stalling the conversation. “I'm considering it.” he replies, mindlessly chewing.

“You would tell me if you had any doubts about continuing with becoming a trainee, right?” asks Yunho as he opens the bag of chips, patiently waiting for his friend to eat as well. Yunho never minded waiting for his friend to eat at his own pace, which is one of the many things that Mingi found so comforting about Yunho. How observant and considerate he was. He did so much without ever being asked to and without asking for anything in return.

“Of course.” another lie escaped Mingi’s mouth. Nothing would get in the way of Yunho’s happiness, not even Mingi himself. Mingi takes a sip of his drink and a big bite of his food.

“Wanna sleep over? My parents are gone for the week and we could practice the songs for the audition. And leaving you alone right now isn’t something I want to do, if I’m being honest.” says Yunho, giving Mingi a look full of concern, which made him feel so bad, so guilty, for making his friend worry and in a sense feel like he has to take care of him. Mingi feels like a burden. You are his best friend, you are not a burden is one of the things his brain snaps back at Mingi with, thoughts that he just brushes aside.

“Sure, that sounds fun. Let me just text my parents.” Mingi carefully places his kimbap on the table and takes out his phone, letting his parents know that he won’t be home tonight.

“Great!” says Yunho, giving his friend a bright smile which warms Mingi’s heart. “We can order takeout. And maybe you can show me what you started writing, if you’re down of course.” Mingi just smiles at his friend and nods, taking another bite of his food afterwards.

The rest of their stay in the convenience store was a bit more quiet, every once in a while talking about random things that happened throughout the week at school. The two of them went to different high schools, and Mingi would sometimes listen fascinated to the stories Yunho would tell him about the friends he made there, making it seem so easy to just fit in. By any means does this imply that Mingi was an outcast, but he didn’t manage to form any meaningful friendships other than the one he had with Yunho. Which is also why he valued the time he did manage to spend with him, however short it was. That was another reason why he followed Yunho everywhere whenever he had the chance, be it going to dance classes or auditions or just running different errands together. Yunho was worth anything and everything.

After taking his final bite of his food, Mingi crumples the wrapper and throws it in the nearest bin, his tongue itching to thank him for waiting for him so patiently and apologize to Yunho for taking so long with eating, but Yunho has insisted so many times that it’s no need to thank him nor apologize, since they were gonna spend time together anyway and he felt at ease making sure his friend ate, knowing how forgetful Mingi can get when it came to trivial things.

“Are you feeling any better?” asks Yunho while walking right next to Mingi, playing with the hem of his shirt mindlessly.

Mingi clears his throat, his voice having been unused for a while. “Yeah, I’m not lightheaded anymore, nothing to worry about.”

Mingi’s mind has been filled with names that Yunho has been saying, calling them his friends. San, Hongjoong-hyung. All people that Mingi has never met but has only heard good things about. People from the dance class that he never noticed, such as Yeosang. And there were so many people that Mingi had never heard about before, it felt like every time they hung out Yunho had someone new to talk about and Mingi couldn’t help but feel a tinge of unintentional jealousy. He always brushed it aside and called it selfishness on his part. All these people sounded like great people.

“I really think you’d get along well with San. Or even Yeosang! He was so concerned today after you passed out, he offered to help on multiple occasions, he really seemed worried. He even offered to call someone to pick us up but I insisted it wasn’t necessary.”

For some reason it didn’t quite register in Mingi’s head that everyone in the dance class saw him pass out, which brought some sort of embarrassment to his features. Everyone saw him be weak enough to faint during the class and become a nuisance, something that others could make fun of him for.

“Can we pretend this didn’t happen?” asked Mingi, not realizing he interrupted Yunho from talking. Yunho shut his mouth and immediately understood what his friend was talking about, the next few minutes of the walk being dead silent, Mingi giving himself a mental slap for making things awkward again.

“You are not weak for reaching your limits, Mingi. We are supposed to know our limits and work around and within them, this time you just overstepped them, and that’s fine. You didn’t inconvenience anyone, we were just worried. But if not mentioning this will make you feel at ease, then that’s fine as well. But needing help isn’t something you should feel bad to ask for, especially asking me for it.” says Yunho in a low voice, low enough so only Mingi can hear. Low enough so that maybe it will reach Mingi in a deeper way.

Mingi just nods and keeps his head down. There is something so embarrassing about being comforted and understood so wholeheartedly. He felt seen and exposed whenever Yunho said just the right things. Most of the time Mingi was left speechless at the way Yunho could understand him so well so quickly, when there were times when Mingi felt like he didn’t understand himself, let alone another person.

Mingi just let his head down, feeling in a way scolded, and continued the walk to Yunho’s house. Turned a left, and finally reached his house. His friend unlocks the front door and enters, Mingi following right behind, taking off his shoes quickly.

“Wanna play Mario Kart?” asks Yunho with a big smile on his face, lightly bumping his arm onto Mingi’s, which also makes Mingi smile. “Oh yeah, you are so gonna lose.” says Mingi, playing along and joining in on the playful atmosphere. Mingi pushes Yunho out of his way and runs to Yunho’s room. Yunho’s house feels so much like home to Mingi. Yunho is heard laughing as he is left behind and then heavy, quick footsteps are heard as Yunho follows right behind.

Once Mingi enters Yunho’s room, with his friend right behind Mingi is quick to set up the game for the two of them. Mingi sits on the ground, resting his back on Yunho’s bed, his friend mirroring his position, their upper arms touching. The familiar music of the game starts playing and they start setting up the course.

3…!

“Loser buys food?” asks Mingi, looking at Yunho with a playful smile.

…2…!

“Of course. No fainting this time.” replies Yunho, giving his friend a warning look. Mingi laughs.

…1…!

“I am not above using tricks and slightly cheating.” says Mingi and Yunho scoffs in reply, rolling his eyes playfully.

START!

---

“WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!” screams Mingi surprised as he is surpassed by Yunho at the last second, leaving Mingi a speechless loser.

“I am not above cheating and using tricks either.” says Yunho simply, winking, with a huge smile on his face.

Mingi’s mouth opens wide in shock, still processing the fact that he lost at the very last second. He playfully punches Yunho’s arm repeatedly, continuously saying things such as ‘How dare you! We need to play another round! You betrayed my moral loyalty! You will pay for this you fucker!’ which made Yunho laugh loudly, his cheeks hurting from the wide smile he had plastered on his face for so long.

Defeated, Mingi stops playfully abusing his friend and lays on Yunho’s bed, looking at the ceiling desperate. He is still in disbelief that he lost by seconds.

“How does fried chicken from our favorite place sound to you?” asks Yunho once he stands up, towering over Mingi. “Fine.” Mingi says and then stands up and pulls his phone from his back pocket, calling the number to the fried chicken place, still sulking over his loss which maintained Yunho’s big smile. In his eyes, Mingi was the cutest person at that moment.

“The food will get here in around 30 minutes. Which songs were you thinking of auditioning with?” asks Mingi as he throws the phone somewhere on Yunho’s bed and crosses his arms over his chest, looking at the TV screen where Yunho’s avatar was still jumping victorious while Mingi’s was celebrating with getting the 2nd place.

“I’m really stuck between these two songs, and I wanna improve my overall technique before the audition so I should master the song completely, you know?” Mingi nods and sits on the bed, slapping his hands on his thighs. “Let’s hear them then. I will pick for you.” Yunho nods and starts looking for the instrumental version of the songs.

“My main two options are Grenade by Bruno Mars and Let Me Love You by Mario. I managed to shorten the amount of options I had but I really can’t pick between these two.” is the last piece of information Yunho gives before the instrumental to Grenade is heard from Yunho’s phone. Yunho was holding the phone in front of him, looking at the lyrics, Mingi assumed.

As the song went on and Yunho sang his soul out, all Mingi could pay attention to was Yunho’s subtle facial expression changes: the way he would furrow his brows and squint his eyes when hitting a higher note, keeping the rhythm and the beat of the song with his foot so he wouldn’t sing too fast or slow.

Sometime during the middle of the song Mingi realized how enchanted he was by his friend’s singing, so much so that he wasn’t even hearing his voice anymore, he was just looking up at his friend and admiring his talent, his passion. How desire to succeed would flow through and out his body with everything he did. Everything Yunho touched suddenly had the potential of becoming greater.

Yunho was shining so brightly and even now, as he was standing two steps away from his friend, Mingi couldn’t help but feel like he’s light-years behind. Standing so close to Yunho was burning his skin and hurting his eyes, but the warmth Yunho offered, even though torturous in this moment especially, felt so good that Mingi couldn’t help but be selfish, indulge in this friendship a while longer, stick to him for a bit more time and maybe, just maybe, Yunho’s brightness would rub off on Mingi, even though Mingi knew that it could never be possible, and he would just extinguish Yunho’s flame while trying to protect and amplify it.

“How was it?” asks Yunho after clearing his throat, getting Mingi’s attention finally. Mingi closes his mouth that he realized was slightly hanging open and then opens it again to think of something to say, but no words would dare to leave his throat, as if stuck somewhere on their way. To be completely honest he didn’t pay as much attention as he should’ve but he heard snippets of it while he was getting too much in his head and then back to reality.

“Was it that bad?” is the next question Yunho asks, his voice heavily laced with anxiety. Mingi stands up offended, as if he himself got insulted. “What? Hell no!” says the words as if punched out of him, and takes a big step towards his friend, resting his hands on Yunho’s shoulders and looking for his eyes.

“It sounded so good, Yunho-ya! You improved so much in such a short amount of time, I am genuinely impressed, I was speechless. Your high notes are so stable and consistent and your facial expressions are so eye-catching, I was truly just mesmerized.” rambles Mingi while not breaking eye contact once, seeing as Yunho’s anxiety melted away with each word Mingi said, bringing a huge smile to Yunho’s face, which made Mingi’s heart skip a beat as he realized how silly he sounded.

Mingi has never been vocal about his high admiration for his friend and he felt so vulnerable and exposed in that moment that he felt like he was burning up. The words he just said were repeating continuously in his mind, making him more embarrassed by the second.

“Thank you so much Mingi, it means a lot coming from you. I really appreciate it.” Yunho replies, which makes some of Mingi’s embarrassment go away. Yunho pulls Mingi in a hug that the latter is quick to accept and reciprocate, squeezing Yunho quickly before backing away from the hug and sitting back down on the bed. “Come on, next song.” Yunho nods and looks for the instrumental.

Yunho starts with the ad-libs as soon as the instrumental starts playing and Mingi tries to be focused this time, really wanting to help his friend with constructive criticism and honest opinions, otherwise he was starting to feel like he was wasting his friend’s time, even though he just couldn’t help being distracted and mesmerized by Yunho’s pure talent. He embodied each song he sang, giving the lyrics and the way he interpreted a separate meaning, putting his own touch on it.

Up until the last minute and a half of the song Yunho didn’t get to showcase his vocal range, but as the ending approached, he was belting the higher notes and showcasing his vibrato quite well. Mingi looked at him as he reached a higher note and the corners of his mouth went up in a proud smile. Yunho did improve so much and Mingi didn’t even notice it until now.

As the song ends, Yunho closes his phone and shoves it in his back pocket, anxiously waiting for feedback, shuffling from one foot to another.

“Your voice is very stable and your vibrato has improved a lot since the last time you attempted it, but I worry that if you are to go with this song, the people at the audition might either see the potential behind it or simply turn you down. You do have very good control with both songs and it’s obvious you’ve been practicing like crazy, so I see why it’s so hard for you to decide on one.” Yunho nods along and lets a small smile slip on his lips, being proud of himself for earning Mingi’s praise like this.

“I think you can either decide based on a coin flip or we could get a drink and let our drunk selves decide!” suggests Mingi while standing up excited, as if he just had the most genius idea. Yunho bursts into laughter and leans himself on Mingi while catching his breath.

“You’re the only one who will get drunk, Mingi, but sure. I will let you pick which song once you are black-out drunk, is that a deal?” asks Yunho with a chuckle as he wraps an arm around Mingi’s shoulders and pulls him into a tight side hug, a hug that Mingi gladly accepts.

“Then it’s settled!” claims Mingi between giggles and Yunho nods. The doorbell ringing makes the both of them redirect their attention towards the hallway and Mingi quickly makes his way towards the front door, snatching his backpack on the way and getting his wallet out, ready to pay for their food, Yunho a few steps behind him, excited for the food.

“Do you have any alcohol or should we run to 7/11 really quickly?” asks Mingi as he places the bag with their food on the kitchen table.

“I do have some but not enough. Let’s go and get some. Beer with soju goes great with fried chicken.” says Yunho and he goes ahead and puts on his shoes and grabs his backpack, emptying all the dancing equipment in it to make room for the alcohol. “Quick though, we don’t want the food to get cold!” Yunho says as he pushes Mingi out of the house with a big smile on his face, the both of them jogging towards the store after Yunho locked the front door.

Mingi was suddenly feeling liberated and at peace, all of his worries and concerns left him in the last hour he’s been together with Yunho and he wishes he could live each and every day this way.

They reach the convenience store in five minutes and start slowly walking through the aisles, looking for the drinks of their choice. They split, Yunho going for the soju and Mingi for the beers, the two of them meeting at the cash registry, Yunho paying for the four beers and four bottles of soju, carefully putting them in his backpack and leaving the store, now with no rush home, not wishing to break the bottles.

Despite the two of them being friends for so long, they haven’t hung out like this in a long while due to their high schools being so far from each other, even though Yunho did his best to keep in touch with Mingi. But now that school and finals were over they could finally focus on each other as well as everything else they had going on. They were now talking about nothing, having mindless conversations that Mingi wasn’t giving much thought to, but all he knew was that he loved everything Yunho related and anything that involved his friends.

The two reach Yunho’s house again, and after putting the drinks in the fridge (all but two bottles of beer and one of soju) and washing their hands, they finally sit at the table. Mingi pours Soju into the small glass and after taking the shot together, “Ok finally let’s dig in.” says Yunho, looking at the food excitedly.

---

“Remember when… Oh my God wait, fuck this was so funny.” says Mingi in between loud laughs, being too giddy to try and contain his laughter, his cheeks hurting. “Remember when I took too long eating lunch and you spent the rest of the day in my high school? The professors were so confused.”

“They did accept me very quickly though, once they realized I was not there to cause trouble. Some even asked me to attend their classes more often.” continues Yunho, with a huge smile on his face and rosy cheeks.

“They did like you more than most of the other students but who can blame them, you are very likeable and charming, and how smart you are just made them like you instantly.” rambles Mingi, looking at his friends with big eyes and raised eyebrows, as if trying to convince him that everything he was saying was true. Yunho just giggles out of embarrassment and covers his mouth that was growing in a bigger smile, looking at Mingi with adoration in his eyes. Mingi always had only words of praise for his friend.

While Mingi was still blabbering about God knows what, Yunho takes the opportunity to refill their glasses. “Stop with this nonsense and drink.” says as he hands Mingi his now filled glass, Yunho having his own glass in the other hand.

“I mean it, you know?” says Mingi as he opens his eyes wide and he looks at his friend, taking the drink in his right hand, and putting his left hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezing it. “You are such a bright and warm person, people are always drawn to you. Never doubt that about yourself.” says Mingi while stuttering a bit due to the alcohol in his system, always having been more lightweight than Yunho.

Yunho tries to hold in a laugh -one of embarrassment and endearment, not in any way laughing at Mingi-, feeling as his ears were starting to get redder and his face was heating up. Yunho starts to awkwardly laugh and with his free hand he guides Mingi’s hand that had the drink in towards his mouth. “Please just drink, Mingi.” says Yunho as he laughs awkwardly. Mingi always expresses his admiration for his friend, but that doesn’t make it any less embarrassing to accept or listen to.

Mingi finally decides to drop it and takes a few sips of his drink. “I think you should go for Bruno Mars.” says Mingi as he rests his forehead on the cold wooden table while his head was spinning.

“What are you going to audition with for the rapper position?” asks Yunho as he clears up the table a little, sorting everything in piles for plastic, paper and then putting aside the dirty dishes.

“One of the raps I wrote a while ago I think. I have to decide on which one.” replies Mingi honestly as he raises his head and looks at Yunho through heavy-lidded eyes.

Yunho just nods and takes another big sip of his drink.

“What if I don't pass the audition?” asks Mingi as he blankly stares and Yunho. Normally he wouldn't verbalize his insecurities like this. Especially not the ones that had to do with the audition as he doesn’t want Yunho to catch on to Mingi’s loss of interest in debuting.

Mingi straightens his back and puts his hands on his lap, making them into fists and waiting for Yunho's reply, expecting him to tell him to give up and save himself the time and embarrassment of being rejected.

Yunho furrows his brows. “Why would you even think that, Mingi? And even if that were to happen, which it won't, but if it did, it would be their loss and we will go to another company.” Yunho simply replies.

“We?” asks Mingi confused as he raises his head as if startled and looks at Yunho with wide eyes. Why would Yunho change the company only because Mingi wouldn't pass?

“We are debuting together, Mingi. Under the same company. No matter what. I am not leaving your side.” quickly answers Yunho to reassure Mingi, putting his hand on top of Mingi's clenched fist and that’s when Mingi finally loosens up a bit.

“Even if… There will be a day when my burdens and problems will be too heavy to carry? And it will get exhausting to help and understand? And what if my company won’t be pleasant enough to have around and I will drag you down with me?” are the words that leave Mingi’s mouth as his body goes limp and looks at Yunho’s hand covering his own.

Mingi surprises himself with the words he just let out as he did not plan on giving away so much of his insecurities in one night, and he wishes that he just imagined saying those things out loud, but that possibility is quickly excluded as with the corner of his eye he sees Yunho raise his head straighten his back to look better at his friend that was still just eyeing their hands.

Yunho lets out a deep sigh which makes Mingi hold his breath as if it was his last in return, closing his eyes shut and expecting the impact of Yunho’s words. He was expecting for him to agree with him, tell him nicely that he won’t be near him to witness Mingi’s downfall. That he wouldn’t want to see how flawed and broken his friend really was, and how much worse things could really get.

But that didn’t happen.

“Especially then. If those days ever come, I will be here to soften your landing as you stumble and fall, which is normal to do. Sharing your burdens would be my pleasure, Mingi. Please allow me to stay near you and please allow yourself to lean on me when you need the time to rest.” Yunho squeezes Mingi’s hand reassuringly as he is observing his features. Mingi still has his eyes shut close, trying to stop any tears from leaving his eyes. “You’re not weak if you rely on others. You are not weak if you need help. Nothing you ever do needs to be done alone. Please let me help you Mingi.” continues Yunho, hoping that his words will reach the Mingi that is sitting beyond a brick wall that he built himself throughout the years to shield himself. But in moments like these it seems like this wall is hurting Mingi more than protecting him.

“Come here.” Yunho pulls Mingi in a hug that he is quick to accept. “You don’t have to say anything to all the things I said, I just wanted to make sure you actually hear what I’m saying.”

Mingi sniffles and nods, which makes a nostalgic smile form on Yunho’s lips. Mingi has always been more fragile than he seems, which is what Yunho always found so endearing about him.

Mingi indulges in Yunho’s touch for a bit longer, allowing himself to fully calm down and saving Yunho the misfortune of seeing his friend all teared up. This isn’t the first time Yunho is here to comfort his friend and it isn’t the first time that Mingi ends up crying in his arms. Mingi loosens his hold on his friend and backs away, pretending nothing happened, and getting up to pour himself a glass of water.

“I really think you should go with Grenade for the audition.” says Mingi after drinking two glasses of water and after he rid himself of the dry throat sensation he was feeling.

Yunho chuckles and smiles widely. “Thank you.”

a/n: reposted the second chapter because i added something to it at the end. initially it was supposed to be the 3rd chapter but then i changed my mind and decided to add it to the 2nd

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