suicidal

  your non-stereotypical teen girl  

[tannanabanana]

A CUP OF COFFEE

I remember how we used to fight over a small cup of coffee.

I was a hardcore caffeine addict and you’re a milk lover. How ironic. 

I remember it clearly how you would always annoy the living shit out of me of having heavy meals for breakfast. I hated you for that. You always call me skinny when in fact I’m over fifty kilos. I know you’re just trying to make me eat when I sometimes don’t have the appetite for whatever you serve. always.

you would always remind me to drink lots of water. You never forget to fix me something to eat during lunch break, make it a turkey sandwich or just mere nutribar. Anything, as long as I’ve got something to fill my abnormal stomach, you’ll prepare it.

i remember how i would always laugh at how big your back pack was like you’re always going out for camping– how it’s miraculously filled with different stuffs like umbrella, extra sweater, and food. And the funny thing was, it wasn’t for you. It was all for me. Always, for me. You always think of me first.

Day by day, I slowly got used to these little things.

You, waking me up at ungodly hour for a couple of run across the block. 

You, always trying to snatch anything containing caffeine that i would hold.

You, who never gets ashamed of holding my hand in front of everybody.

You, making me healthy food and force feeding me.

You, who always remind me of how beautiful i am. That you would always be there for me, That you would always look after me. That no matter what happens you’ll always have my back and you’ll never leave me. Never.

Day by day, i got used to You.

And now that you’ve finally left me, i just can’t picture any single day without you nagging me of always drinking coffee, of depriving myself of little luxuries that i could spare myself. I just can’t get it into my head that there will no longer be You to brighten up my day by the very means of annoying me and loving me all at the same time.

How rad.

Today, I didn’t have coffee for breakfast.

I woke up at dawn break, ran a couple of miles to and fro the park, cooked something decent and wore those clothes you bought me last winter. Slowly, I’m trying to be the mature version of me i wished i was when i still had you. I wish, wherever you are, you’re proud of me.

I miss you so much.

[danesntg-blog]

December 19

What part of I’m not interested do you not understand?

Right after you told me I was beautiful the other day, i marched my way out and left you, and me being the most lucky creature on earth (sarcasm dripping), tripped flat on my butt.

I did expect you to laugh at me, being the trying hard snappy snob bitch that i was, but you didn’t. You helped  me with all those concern concern of your face. I was actually scared at that time.

I was hiding everything with a tough facade though honestly, i was scared. The moment we locked gazed something in me turned into chaos and I know you’re nothing but trouble for my own liking.

That’s why i tried to avoid you.

But whoever psycho invented the word Destiny, is a bummer. You were my classmate for few of my class and unfortunately for me, my seatmate in literature. Yay. Not.

But this day, being the idiot you are vandalized a school property asking me for lunch? I mean, seriously?

I wasn’t even pretty. i wasn’t even a girlfriend material, even fall near “fuckable” type. Then YOU! Just what the hell do you want from me?

[danesntg-blog]

December 16

It was such a bummer day. Aside from the fact that it’s freaking cold outside, the road to the supermarket was as slippery as an eel and driving is so damn impossible.

Since the outside world is a freezer at this season, i barely even go out to do the grocery. Every damn thing is so hard since every time i go out, i couldn’t feel my limb the moment I step outside. But today, is the day of doom. I run out of stocks and I starving since it’s already three in the afternoon and i haven’t ate any decent meal for the last two weeks.

I remember thinking, this day could’ve been the worse. I almost broke my neck tripping several times while on my way to my destination, and when i reached there, it was motherfreaking close due to heavy snowfall. Like WTF?!

I was hungry and pissed off and you don’t want to mess with a starving bear like me. 

Hence, you, ha! The guts of you!, approached me and asked if i was okay like you knew me for a hundred lifetime and like i really do look okay.

I cursed at you and killed you for umpteenth time, in my mind, for being so nosy and asking if i was freaking okay.

Do I look okay to you? was my flying kickass response and you... hell you...

You look beautiful to me. was your dumbass reply that made me turn all shade of scarlet.

Heck, I should’ve known that was the start.

[danesntg-blog]

I remember you warning and threatening me for umpteenth time, that i should stop smoking.

i remember doing it for a couple of more without you knowing it.

it used to annoy me how nosy and intruding you were before. if someone would tell me, almost two years ago, that i’d actually be missing your nags and homilies i should’ve laughed my ass off at them.

you nagging me is my easy button for migraine.

thus, here i am.

smoking myself to death hoping you’d stop me again.

but i know you won’t.

because you’ll never come back.

howbeit, i’ll still smoke.

for in some way, in some selfish and crooked way, i’ll get to be with you. soon.

[beautifulteenagerblog]

[thewolveswithin]

Johnny Depp at the ’Mermaids’ premiere - December 10, 1990

[teenagerposts]

[teenagerposts]