suicidal @tannanabanana - Tumblr Blog

I remember you warning and threatening me for umpteenth time, that i should stop smoking.

i remember doing it for a couple of more without you knowing it.

it used to annoy me how nosy and intruding you were before. if someone would tell me, almost two years ago, that i’d actually be missing your nags and homilies i should’ve laughed my ass off at them.

you nagging me is my easy button for migraine.

thus, here i am.

smoking myself to death hoping you’d stop me again.

but i know you won’t.

because you’ll never come back.

howbeit, i’ll still smoke.

for in some way, in some selfish and crooked way, i’ll get to be with you. soon.

danesntg-blog

December 16

It was such a bummer day. Aside from the fact that it’s freaking cold outside, the road to the supermarket was as slippery as an eel and driving is so damn impossible.

Since the outside world is a freezer at this season, i barely even go out to do the grocery. Every damn thing is so hard since every time i go out, i couldn’t feel my limb the moment I step outside. But today, is the day of doom. I run out of stocks and I starving since it’s already three in the afternoon and i haven’t ate any decent meal for the last two weeks.

I remember thinking, this day could’ve been the worse. I almost broke my neck tripping several times while on my way to my destination, and when i reached there, it was motherfreaking close due to heavy snowfall. Like WTF?!

I was hungry and pissed off and you don’t want to mess with a starving bear like me.

Hence, you, ha! The guts of you!, approached me and asked if i was okay like you knew me for a hundred lifetime and like i really do look okay.

I cursed at you and killed you for umpteenth time, in my mind, for being so nosy and asking if i was freaking okay.

Do I look okay to you? was my flying kickass response and you… hell you…

You look beautiful to me. was your dumbass reply that made me turn all shade of scarlet.

Heck, I should’ve known that was the start.

A CUP OF COFFEE

I remember how we used to fight over a small cup of coffee.

I was a hardcore caffeine addict and you’re a milk lover. How ironic.

I remember it clearly how you would always annoy the living shit out of me of having heavy meals for breakfast. I hated you for that. You always call me skinny when in fact I’m over fifty kilos. I know you’re just trying to make me eat when I sometimes don’t have the appetite for whatever you serve. always.

you would always remind me to drink lots of water. You never forget to fix me something to eat during lunch break, make it a turkey sandwich or just mere nutribar. Anything, as long as I’ve got something to fill my abnormal stomach, you’ll prepare it.

i remember how i would always laugh at how big your back pack was like you’re always going out for camping-- how it’s miraculously filled with different stuffs like umbrella, extra sweater, and food. And the funny thing was, it wasn’t for you. It was all for me. Always, for me. You always think of me first.

Day by day, I slowly got used to these little things.

You, waking me up at ungodly hour for a couple of run across the block.

You, always trying to snatch anything containing caffeine that i would hold.

You, who never gets ashamed of holding my hand in front of everybody.

You, making me healthy food and force feeding me.

You, who always remind me of how beautiful i am. That you would always be there for me, That you would always look after me. That no matter what happens you’ll always have my back and you’ll never leave me. Never.

Day by day, i got used to You.

And now that you’ve finally left me, i just can’t picture any single day without you nagging me of always drinking coffee, of depriving myself of little luxuries that i could spare myself. I just can’t get it into my head that there will no longer be You to brighten up my day by the very means of annoying me and loving me all at the same time.

How rad.

Today, I didn’t have coffee for breakfast.

I woke up at dawn break, ran a couple of miles to and fro the park, cooked something decent and wore those clothes you bought me last winter. Slowly, I’m trying to be the mature version of me i wished i was when i still had you. I wish, wherever you are, you’re proud of me.

I miss you so much.

#reminisce #miss you #depressing thoughts #letter for you #a cup of coffe #suicidal

WAS IT REALLY THAT HARD?

was it really that hard to admit that you’ve been going through a lot? if i’d only knew i shouldn’t have been a clingy narrow minded bitch like i already was. but why didn’t you tell me something’s wrong?! why did you take it all in by yourself???

we’re suppose to be a team, remember?

you thought me to live life with you and now you’re casting me out of your own.

you are so damn retarded.

you thought me to be clingy and dependent with you and now that you’ve finally realized you want no part of my life anymore you just left me.

i’m lost.

you showed me things i’ve never knew before. you brought me heights unimaginable. you rekindled the faith in me in an all knowing, all loving and all powerful kind of redeemer. you showed me things i wasn’t even familiar with. i was like a fish out of water yet you still managed to put up with all my bullshits just for me to live.

and when i get used to it you’ll just drop me. just. like. that. how dare you?!

you shouldn’t have done all those things if you weren’t planning to be a constant thing in my life.

all my life i’ve been building walls around me just to keep myself from hurting.

then you came: sending my walls tumbling to the ground and then aimed for my weakest spot.

it could’ve been easy for the both of us, if from the first place you already told me the truth.

i could’ve managed to keep myself on guard even after you left me.

you could’ve told me you were dying.

it may be hard to watch you suffer til you run out of breath but you could’ve told me so i could’ve took care of you til your last breath.

you are so unfair.

i hate you.

#emotional #depressing thoughts #dead #alone

Was I the only One?

Tell me, was I the only one who’s hurting? Of course not. Maybe just some random bitter thoughts but i couldn’t deny the fact that i am really hurting.

All because of you.

I just couldn’t see the world the same way like i used to before.

How dare you?

I know it is so wrong at all aspects to blame you for my misery but i can’t help it. I’m experiencing all of this right after you left me.

I hate you. so much.

but then i won’t deny too that i am missing you with all the being in me. can i have you back? if not, can you take me with you? please? i really can’t do this without you.

#depressing thoughts #bry alone llonely insanity suicidalteen