Untitled

[danwhiteportfolio]

The Thinking Man's Cum Bucket

The Thinking Man’s Cum Bucket

There’s this retired porn actress famous for the fact that there really wasn’t any limit to what she would allow to be done to her. I’ve seen her described as the thinking man’s porn star, but they put “the thinking man’s” in front of anything they’re embarrassed to like so they can pretend it’s more than it is.*

Anyways, I haven’t seen a single scene of Sasha Grey’s where she pushed back against…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Titters Averted as Seventieth Vehicle Compounds Tragedy

Titters Averted as Seventieth Vehicle Compounds Tragedy

Recently there was a 70-car pileup on an icy highway. I just want to know how thankful everyone else involved was when that final guy plowed in?

“Thank god for you, sir. You don’t know the great service you’ve done here.”

“What? More than all of these cops and firemen?”

“Absolutely. You’ve released us from the horror of no one ever taking us seriously.”

“But I killed a family.”

“Yet on the…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Jessie

There was an Earthling who lived in a small farming town three quarters of a century or so ago. Her name was Jessie and she loved to dance.

She loved it so much that her father, the local butcher, built a hall off their house where the whole town would gather every Friday night for music and dancing. At the center of it all Jessie would whirl away in her heaven.

Then came the summer she fell sick.

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Henry V

Henry was an English prince. A prince is a guy who is going to be king when his dad, the current king, dies. A king is a guy who sits in a giant chair and tells other people what to do. Earthlings get to be king by claiming someone in their genetic history was a king or should have been a king. And that person got to be king by killing a lot of people. Bloodlines and bloodshed are the key factors.

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

The Taint

The taint is the part of the human anatomy between their anus and penis or hoo-hoo. Or both, because there are Earthlings who have a penis and a hoo-hoo. They might have a special word for the place between all three, but I don’t know what it is. Traint, maybe.

Anyway, I don’t know why they have a word for the place between their poop hole and their sex part(s). It’s just a no-man’s-land,…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Things Themselves

I hate things.

Objects.

They’re so willful, yet slavishly obedient to the laws of physics.

“Oooo – If you knock me over, I’ll fall immediately to the ground and break, like I have no ability think for myself.”

Stupid containers, with their fluids spilling all over the rug. And the rugs themselves, “Sure, I’ll soak that right up, no problem. That’s what I’m for.”

No, that is not what you are…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Al-kee-hoo: Part II –A Paradoxical Paradox

Al-kee-hoo: Part II –A Paradoxical Paradox

This report starts here.

They hit upon alcohol pretty early in their existence and they’ve been concerned about it ever since. Like everything they come across that causes pleasure, a number of them are against it. Granted, there are some strong arguments to be made against drinking alcohol, but those are never the ones other Earthlings use.

“I say unto you, brothers and sisters, alcohol will…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Al-kee-hoo – Part I: A Liquid Contronym

Al-kee-hoo – Part I: A Liquid Contronym

It is the greatest of fluids; it is the worst of fluids. It is the bringer of joy; it is the bringer of woe. It releases tension; it creates tension. It is the source of their greatest inspiration; it is the source of their worst decisions. It raises ugliness to beauty; it is the cause of morning regret.

Earthlings are generally born with fewer inhibitions than they grow up to have. This is what…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Suffering for Comfort

They all claim to strive for comfort, but once they get there, they look fondly back on how much they suffered before. For how much they strive for leisure and ease, you never hear them brag about it.

“You kids think you have it easy? When I was your age I was hand carriedto school. On down pillows, no less! That was luxury. Do not speak to me of your whoop-de-doo vehicles with your ‘sound…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Cock Fight: Part II – Semantics This report starts here. Men are very focused on their penis size; It's a big issue for them.

[danwhiteportfolio]

Wiener War

There’s a story where Brahma and Vishnu were arguing over which of them was the dick-swingingest god.

Brahma was like, “Dude, I’m the Creator. I created all this. Ergo, I’m the top cucumber.”

But Vishnu was like, “Psh. All of your creation would fall to ruin if not for me. I protect it all. So obviously I’m the big banana.”

“Dude, you’d have nothing to protect if not for me. You needed me to do…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Questions

I have a bad habit of thinking the actual question being asked is the question actually being asked.

I’ve come to expect this sort of confusion when talking to the females. The correct response to “Does this skirt look right on me?” is neverto stop and consider it. I’ve learned that much. The rule of thumb is that the question behind every woman’s question is either, “Are you a potential mate?”…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Sodom. And also Gomorrah: Part III –Lot's Wife, Pillar of the Community (Ba-dum, Pshh)

Sodom. And also Gomorrah: Part III –Lot’s Wife, Pillar of the Community (Ba-dum, Pshh)

This report starts here.

The next day, Lot and all headed out. As they left, the angels warned everyone not to look back at the city because it was about to be destroyed.

“Why not?”

“It’s how we protect our trade secrets. Now get to the hills where you’ll be safe.”

“The hills?”

“Yes, the hills. Those ones over there..”

“But I’m scared that if I run to the hills, the destruction will overtake me…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Sodom. And also Gomorrah: Part II – The Low Bar for Righteous

Sodom. And also Gomorrah: Part II – The Low Bar for Righteous

This report starts here.

YHWH’s angels went to Sodom and at the gate they found this guy, Lot, who, as it happens, was Abraham’s nephew.

“Good sirs! May I offer my home up for a foot bath?”

“Nah, just had one.”

“Then at least come to my home and sleep with me.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, not sleep with me sleep with me. Just sleep under my roof. I’m not a freaking Sodomite.”

“Thanks, but we’re just going to…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Sodom. And Also Gomorrah.

Sodom. And Also Gomorrah.

YHWH decided to level this town called Sodom because it sinned a lot. It just wouldn’t stop. They were so bad they even got a whole predilection named after them. They earned it. It’s a doozy. (Butt sex, in case you’re wondering.)

He also destroyed Gomorrah, but they didn’t hold to anything unique. They were all over the map, perversion-wise, so nobody remembers them. It’s all about branding.…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

The Scientific Method

Here is the Earthling way of figuring out how the universe works: They take something very small and whirl it around really fast – as fast as they can get it going – and smash it into something else just to see what flies off. By doing this, they’ve come to realize that the universe is made of increasingly smaller things. Big surprise.

Before they do it, though, they make guesses as to what they…

View On WordPress

[danwhiteportfolio]

Native Tongue: Part III –Contronyms

Native Tongue: Part III –Contronyms

Native Tongue: Part III –Contronyms

This report starts here.

To understand Earthlings, you have to understand that even their language is conflicted. None of the following statements are considered insane:

The oversight was due to a lack of oversight. Had there been more oversight, there wouldn’t have been as many oversights.

This is who was left after the others left.

We had reservations about…

View On WordPress