âyou implied that i had a, what was it? checkered past,â she reminded darcy, her own arms loosely circling her waist. âi donât think youâre trying to be malicious, but i also donât think you realize the impact of what youâre saying.â normally esme turned a blind eye to the hushed mentions of her misgivings, usually because they were never actually said to her face, but this was a struggle, as she truly didnât believe darcy even realized why esme was offended. her past was sordid, sure, and even now she was far from perfect, but she liked to think she was still a decent person for it, or at the very least that her least harmful transgression was the one on trial now, even if she was the one willingly approaching the bench. âi wasnât going to tell you the details,â she countered, having learned her lesson already. for a moment she actually felt bad for darcy, the way she instinctively tried to hide any amount of desire she saw as wrong. âdo you know how different things were when our parents were teenagers? and do you think your parents didnât act on impulse, not even once?â that much was a moot point, and getting into rebelling against parents was not a hill esme was willing to die on, knowing her values there differed with more than just one person. âregardless,â she quickly dismissed, âand no, i wonât tell anyone about your biologically instinctual and natural desires that you keep bottled up because someone told you to be ashamed, donât worry. your reputation wonât rival mine anytime soon.â
she felt like she wasnât getting anywhere with the other girl. she had set out simply to invite her to join friendship club and help end the baby project and ended up talking herself into a grave. and knowing esmeâs reputation, she would likely start throwing dirt on top of her at any moment while the funeral march played in the background. âiâm really not trying to be malicious at all,â she was grateful that she realized that and maybe today was not going to be darcyâs death day. âi just totally talk without thinking sometimes. i need to really work on that if i want to make new friends and recruit new members,â she told her. it was all too easy for darcy to get caught up in the moment and not realize just how judgmental she was as a result of her raising. she wasnât sure how, but she needed to learn how to balance the principles that her faith was ground in and not being a judge-y bitch. she was a work in progress. âoh, good. not that you shouldnât talk about it,â she tried to cover quickly, âi mean, itâs your life, do what you want. but like i figured youâd have people you were closer with to talk about it to. so yeah, iâm glad we agree on not,â she waved her hand in front of her throat like she was cutting the conversation, âgiving me the details,â she knew she was still just talking too much rather than letting bygones be bygones. âlook, no offense, but i donât really want to think about my parents acting on impulse,â or think about them at all even though she was the one who had brought up the conversation, âbut iâm sure they did some things without thinking or impulsively, but they didnât do everything until after they were married, iâm sure of it,â her cheeks were reddening just thinking about what she was defending. she wasnât sure whether to be grateful for esme agreeing to keep her secret or feel some other type of way because of the way she phrased it. sure, it was natural, but that didnât mean she should allow herself to feel them. right? that was a thought she wasnât quite ready to explore. âthanks, i think,â she told her.